Believer,

You are right. It's just my need to CONTROL and I have NO RIGHT whatsoever.

One more thing for G-d, and NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

Good girl Queenie. I'll check in later after I get home.

Hope you are having a good day....

Queenie,

Did I miss it?

Did you deliver the Plan B letter?

Ah NO

My A hasn't delivered the LSA agreement and so I am on hold. You don't know how much I want that delivered and be done with it.

I'm so done and now I can really see the difference in me when I see him and when I don't.

So are you waiting for WH to AGREE or RESPOND to the LSA before giving him the Plan B letter? Or are you just waiting for him to be served?

Just waiting for him to be served. Plan B is about ME and protecting me from HIM.

I learned so much about how dangerous it is for me to be around him. He is GONE and I can't STAND the person who has taken over.

He is mean, cold and not my H.

I need to be away from him completely if I want any sanity. I feel the difference in me.

Totally do I get why no contact will be the only way.

My YS lost his first game 6-1. Evidently they got smoked. He got two penalities. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I just love listening to him talk after a game and the animation that goes with it.

My OS has a game tomorrow. Because he is on varsity now he gets to wear his jersey. He acts like it's no big deal, but it is. He has always had the talent to be on varsity, but his ego and attitude have stopped him. It's so awesome being able to spend time with him and watch him grow as a man.

Tonight on the way home from practice he told me that he was dedicating his season to me. I almost cried, and told him that he dedicate it to our new family and our recovery. He agreed. Then we went to dinner. He has his first game tomorrow night, bummer that I have to go to 2nd job.

I think I have decided to hold off on the house for now. A few reasons really. 1. Trying to show WH that I was moving on, and I am, but realistically I don't want to take on that kind of debt. Not right now because my life is in such turmoil. 2. I don't want to move again and the boys are settling into this place. So I could use some ideas on how to spruce up the place and make it a little more homey, but respectful that it's not my place. 3. My dream of living in Israel is still in my heart and I don't know if I want to tie myself down to a house.

It's not that I am totally saying no, I just am being a little more cautious and slower moving on the house. Besides this apartment has a pool, jacuzzi, clubhouse that I could rent out and exercise gym. I also am considering cancelling my membership at gym because the boys aren't going and I prefer to walk outside, even in the rain. I walked 4 miles tonight.

I am also toying with selling our 52 inch tv, which H wanted, not me and getting a flat screen smaller one. With the money that I can get for the tv, I could by a wall unit and have more room in the apt.

Any thoughts?

pool and jacuzzi? yeah, I'd be staying there too! Sell the tv! buy the tv you want! Do what it takes to make the place feel comfy! Call it home for now, sprout where you are planted... you're a strong plant and can be "repotted" when and where the time comes ;-)

You sound great lately!

As long as WH stays out of my life, I do pretty good. I can tell the difference in me when I have contact with him. I ready to not talk to him anymore.

Yep, pool and jacuzzi and I just happen to get one month off during the summer with my new body in tow.

I have ALWAYS hated the tv, but it was what the H WANTED. Not me. He just pushed until I gave in.

What can I do to spruce up an apt without having it be holes in the walls? I am new to this.

I am a strong plant, more strong than I realized. And tonight I realized how I come alive when singing Jewish songs in particular. My heart and soul call to Israel if not to live there, to visit. I love my religion, I love my heritage and I love knowing there is a homeland that is for ME when I am ready to go home. I can imagine sitting on the beaches of Haifa, hoping the bombs don't land <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Seriously, do you ever just have that feeling that you know you belong somewhere else one day. That's me. My heart belongs to Israel and making aliyah.

Unless H comes home. Then I would give it up for him.

Thanks Serenity, I am really working hard to build my new life and move on.

Talk to your landlord. They usually don't mind if you paint a wall, as long as it is a pale enough color that it could be covered in one coat when you move out. New slip covers can bring color in and make old furniture seem new. New bedding could help make it "your" bed. Go as girlie as you want! Get new placemats for the table, a new shower curtain... anything that says, "this is my space." Plants liven things up too. And if you do decide to make a nail hole, it can easily be filled with putty or plain white toothpaste when you leave.

That's what I was going to say... does the landloard come into your apartment? Will they know you poked a couple holes in the wall. We did in the apartment we lived in. I couldn't stand to have bare walls. Just remember to make it look good as new when the time comes to move out. Putty the holes, sand over them and and a touch of paint... nowadays you can buy small cans to match ANYTHING! I like the idea of adding plants and making the bedroom as girly or GODDESSY as you like!

I am very fortunate in that my walls are already painted a pretty color. It's the fact that there are just blinds. I would love to have curtains.

I like the idea of couch covers, though again I love my couches. I think plants are a good idea. I have it nicely decorated, it just seems to be missing something.

I really think getting the tv out of there would be a HUGE start for me. I HATE that tv.

I think the idea of painting the walls is a great idea. I'll check that out, not to mention getting touch up paint for any "holes" I do make. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you.

Hi Queenie,

You are doing so well. I'm proud of you.

There comes a time for all of us when we realize that there isn't anything else that we can do but protect ourselves. Hence Plan B. It really does help because we don't want to hurt anymore. WS's continue to inflict pain upon us if we let them.

For your apartment, of course paint is always a great thing, but other than that buy only things that you can take with you. I just recovered two loveseats in my living room and it added a lot of color. I'm making bright pillows out of some coordinating fabric. I also made a duvet cover and pillow shams for my bedroom which really added a lot of color. There is so much that you can do to add color and fun. Make a quilt!! The only thing that I bought for my condo that I can't take was plantation shutters. I love them and it was the look that I wanted so I did it. I plan on living her for a while though.

You are doing so well Queenie, and you have come a long way. Let's talk soon.

Hello Warior Goddess!

You keep thinking I disapear, but i'm still lurking arroud.
You are doing very well for yourself Queenie. I just wish your L would get his butt in gear.

I get vouch for what beleiver is saying about your sons. He will need to forge that relationship. Seeing that he's already doing a pretty good job at destroying his relationship with his D, he's going to have a tough go of it, and will regret it.

Prayers Queenie. (Yes I continue my bible studies with my mentor, not as quick as before but still reading daily)

It's a fact, I miss talking to you, but it's for the best reasons possible.

How is recovery going? What are you learning that you didn't realize?

I wish my L would get it together as well. I am really ready for Plan B.

I completely agree that what he has done with his kids is HIS problem and not MINE. I have to STAY OUT OF IT completely. He has surely made a mess of things, but it's NOT MY problem.

I don't think anyone can be praying harder and talking to G-d more about things than me. I wake up in the morning and start talking, all throughout the day, and the last thing I do when I go to sleep at night. I imagine myself sitting in front of him as he sits on his chair and I just spill my heart out for his desires for me.

Without a doubt, when I DON'T see WH, I am in a MUCH BETTER space. The drama of HIM will be nice to NOT have. Though I really do MISS my H very much. I told his team manager that I was fighting for my M and that I needed him to have that information because even though it may look like I am giving up, I am standing in the background and fighting for my M as hard as I could.

I don't have many people I can tell, so I am with anyone possible.

I miss you TMTS, alot..

Hi Queenie,

Just checking in on you. Sorry we didn't connect yesterday. We'll keep trying.

How is your Plan B coming along? Keep us updated so that we can help you through...

Chai,

I sent you an email.

I have left 3 calls and two emails to the lawyer asking what is happening. NOTHING....

(((((((((Queenie))))))))))))

I know it's frustrating, but in my experience so far, these legal things tend to take a while to go through.

Keep your chin up, you're doing right by God, right for you, and right for your kids.

Be proud of yourself, and know that you are worthy of each and every one of God's blessings in your life. Just don't ever forget to be thankful for them as well.

We're in your corner!

James,

You don't know how much that means to me right now. My head it doing stupid crazy things because I'm just scared.

What is wrong with me? Why does it have to be so hard to not try and control things. Just let it happen and be.

No wonder G-d is working on me. I am a mess.

Queenie,

Wanted to stop by and thank you for this thread...you have many awesome posters supporting you...

I'm happy you stopped adding to your pain, too...no longer choosing to read WH/DS emails is another healthy choice you are making, IMO.

One thing I noticed you did...and it goes with your HABIT of control...is that when you saw your WH offer to come to the games...you took that and ran with it...went into the future as if WH really would come to the games.

Easy to offer. Hard to follow through. Do not go where you have no control...helps teach your urge not to go there, either. You don't control the future or the past...just right now. And it's not that you don't have the right to control...you don't have the ability.

Like all of us...which makes you so embraceable...and not a mess. You've got an automatic habit to end and a new one to begin...like so much you're already making new in your life...this, too, will pass.

I promise.

You already know that in not choosing to think, believe, perceive that you control that which you cannot...that you are honoring God, getting out of his way to work in your life, your marriage, your parenting...your heart.

Your sweet, true and brave heart. There's not a thing wrong with you, Queenie.

I'm wondering like others about your choice to not give him the Plan B letter instead of waiting it on the L's actions...how would going dark now interfere with the LSA? (I'm clueless...really don't know.)

LA