LA

I'm sure Queenie will have a more comprehensive answer, but I -believe- it has a lot to do with WH still contributing some of his check to her, and wanting the backing of the LSA to ensure that that continues into Plan B..

Ahhhhh...

Money.

Does that mean by not going to Plan B she keeps him giving part of his check? I understand the very real fear...don't understand where she has control, no matter what she does, over him paying or not.

He pays.

LA

Thank you Loving for your kinds words. I truly appreciate it. I am definetly working hard to let go of this NEED to control and get out of G-ds way. SO HARD FOR ME.....

I never really looked at my need to control as a habit, more as a character defect as it kept showing up in my AA 4th step. Thank you for saying it this way. I can pray and ask G-d to replace it with something that he wants me to have instead.

I'm taking your promise and holding it in my heart. Thank you.

I have to admit, in my craziness it never even occurred to me that he might just be talking. Besides, that really isn't the point, is it. It's my need to control and learning to change that, which is really the bottom line.

So, I am praying, asking G-d to remove this desire and need, putting it out here for people to call me on it and keep focusing myself on something else.

I didn't know this, thank you for saying it. Because all I want to do today is walk in G-ds path and not mine. Thy will be done not MINE. I am saying this over and over again and think I need to start reciting the Serenity Prayer. I have tools, I just need to stopped, be still... pray and let go. Imagine something that brings me peace instead of this craziness.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

As for Plan B letter. A friend commented to me that one of the reasons WH is offering to come to the games is to get back at me for showing up at his game and embarrasing him. It never occured to me that I was doing that, just that I was staking my claim. If I did embarras him, he is very MAD at me and looking for the opportunity to hurt me because he plays games. He as always played games.

If he gets my Plan B letter, it will make him mad and he will try and mess with the money. I can make it a couple of weeks, but not long term. I am not the game player he is and want to be protected as much as possible. Therefore once the LSA if filed it would take 2 weeks to get him into court. I hope that explained it. If not, please tell me.

This WH is very dangerous, devious, a liar and out to destroy me. I can tell by the way he is when I am around him.

Somehow, SOMEHOW, I have to find a way to block out what I allow him to do to me. It's so ironic, we took a personal growth class for almost a year and in the end we worked at getting me to completely open up and totally trust him. And those walls came down and he went in for the kill by doing this. Now I have to somehow put those walls back up and I can't find them.

Trusting him was something I worked so hard to do because of his past and the deep hurts he inflicted over the years. And when I finally did, like the last time, he destroys it while I am at my most vulnerable.

If ANYONE has a thought on what this is about, please help me understand.

He is giving me half of his paycheck. If there is ONE THING his ACTIONS have been is giving me the money. BUT I have gone out of my way not to make him angry or push his buttons. This LSA will make him angry because I have asked for sole custody with no parent input and no contact with OW.

I have seen this WH's anger and it's dangerous. I don't know him anymore and want to be as protected as possible.

You know, LA maybe this is just one more way of me trying to control things instead of just leaving it in G-ds hands. What do ya think? LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You didn't ask me but I'll share what I think. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

In this particular situation, I don't think this is you trying to control but rather it's you being smart, looking out for you and the kids. Now that I think this through, I agree with you that you SHOULD wait on the Plan B until the hearing on the LSA. No sense in poking the hornet's nest without protective gear. After the hearing, he can get mad all he wants, he still has to pay and you can be on your merry way.

You're doing great Queenie.

You know PM I treasure it when you share and think your thoughts with me.

How do I learn to tell the difference between me being smart and protecting my children and myself or it being my need to control? This is a boundary or sonething so foreign to me.

thanks PM, I don't feel like I am doing great today, but I can promise you I am praying and working hard to keep this clean and learn from this internal upset and what's feeding it so I can not have it repeat itself.

Hi Queenie-

Still fighting the crud-it's taken my voice- but that gives me a bit of time to check up on MB stuff. One thing I know about parenting plans in our state is that your boys are old enough to have a say in what they want. The parenting plan can reflect that.

My YS was 14 when all this started and he made it very clear that he didn't want to "have to" go to his dads at an assigned time. My L put that in the paperwork.

He goes over now when he wants and isn't busy with his many activities. That might be a good way to approach that part of it.

And, at least our state is tough on the issue of CS. If your WH decides to withhold $ to be vindictive, the Support Enforcement Office will take care of that. You might want that to be written into your plan as well. That way, the $ comes directly out of his check and into your account.

Hope this helps. You really are doing great.

Queenie...I'm good with your choices. I respect they're yours.

What if in the year-long personal growth...God was working on your behalf, for your walls, which gave way too much power to others...and that the trust was in knowing WH made his own choices, each time? Seems terrifying at first, maybe...then, wonderfully secure.

We all make our choices. Your trust didn't make him go in for the kill. Your respect, love...nothing of yours makes him choose.

He chooses. You choose. Even at our best in partnering, we remain individuals...and in control of the door of influence on us...so do we at our worst.

What WH does is/was about him...his timing, his choices...his reasons. You don't know his intent...or whether he was embarrassed by you showing up at his game (you rocked, IMO) or not...you don't know about his offer to go to DS games, either...

Would you consider accepting what you don't know hits that fear in you...your button...which then drives the urge to control? When you accept what you don't know now...may or may not know later...and focus on what you really do know, I think you'll find your automatic habit derailed a bit.

Sounds like you have a supportive friend who is in the habit of feeding your not-present state of mind. Speculation is like a DJ...and LB's don't just hurt a marriage...they hurt us inside...rob our own love banks...and distort reality. It's okay not to know right now...truth is, you hurt...and you're gonna hurt for awhile...and you fear, too. You're not alone. Don't reach for more pain...easy does it.

You have all the tools for living skillfully. Your own self-doubt is a harm only you control. You truly are new every day because God gives all humans the opportunity to make different choices; even the tiniest ones.

You know your H...and you've come to know somewhat the WH. Careful of assumptions because of the pain they may add to you inside, 'k?

I go with PM on the priority...as a self-care measure, you're choosing not to give him the Plan B letter until you have the court backing you. Okay. Would you in the meantime consider you don't know what his reaction would be, if he would even be angry or vengeful...which may hurt worse than if he were?

That you choose your actions based on your own code...your stuff...then you are not controlled or controlling. You're you...you're free.

LA

Hi JT, I'm sorry you aren't feeling good still. I can see how awful this is with all our kids. They are dropping like flies, and now we are having the worst case of lice outbreak that we have had in 12 years. UGH... I itch just thinking about it.

My L told me that in King Cty, I have to write in that WH has to have access to children at least every other weekend. Somewhere it will be made clear that the child gets to decide that. But I have to have it written that WH is allowed to have him.

I don't believe he will do anything once the LSA is in force, but if he had gotten th PBL first, I just have NO IDEA what he would have done.

I guess I'm scared that standing up for myself is going to push him away even further. I know G-d has plans for me, but the feelings are still there. And I am praying to not give them power.

It does help... Is there anything I can do for you? I sure don't feel like it today, so I am trusting you all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Queenie

Honey, you didn't push your WH-he walked away on his own. All of these things are consequences of his own choices.
It just feels odd to you because you have shielded him from these for a long time. It's an old pattern and it's hard to break.

Also, you aren't "pushing him away" by filing a LSA or by going into Plan B. You are protecting your kids and yourself. You are protecting them from financial troubles that could happen. You are protecting yourself from any legal things that may come down the road because of WH's choices. And you are protecting your heart and the love you have left for him.

Keep me and my very raspy voice in your prayers. I was home enough last year for a decade of sick days. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

LA, can you please explain further, I am not sure I get this. Sorry.

Beyond a shadow of a doubt I would consider this. I think that this goes back to my childhood and certainly in my M. There were ALWAYS so many games I was left guessing and wondering all the time. I HATE the games and feel the need to know and understand because for SO LONG I have not known or understood. Does that make sense.

It's weird... I just realized this and am not sure I am going to say this correctly. I think G-d is calling me to walk into the UNKNOWN and COMPLETELY TRUST HIM, and he KNOWS that this is so FRIGHTENING TO ME, because I lived in the games and unknown my whole life. The piece that is different is I felt alone, but today I have G-d.

Wow, LA you are sharp today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You're right of course, my own fear is that he won't give a rip that I have done this and just be relieved to be rid of me.

How can I learn to do this? This is the stuff that is so new to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Funny thing about walls we put up inside ourselves...we tell ourselves it is to protect us from attack...hurt...when the hurt comes from the inside.

And often, the attack does as well. Sometimes, we continue reliving the attack after it stops...because within our walls, there are echoes.

I believe that God is showing you that you have walked in the unknown all your life...no matter how much divining, mindreading, game-playing or distance you've done...in reality, each day was unknown to you. You had the experience that your control was extended because that was your belief.

God could be aligning you with reality...so you can experience, in its fullness, without coping mechanisms in the way...more intimate with God. When we stop taking what others think, believe, perceive as about us...in our control...and respect they think, they feel, they believe and perceive...their choices, not ours...then we're on the road to partnering, not parenting...loving in respect.

No walls...just knowledge. Assumptions are addictive, IME; subtle and sneaky...and like you, I fed on them like mana...felt like sustenance...coping...handling...rather than understanding and thriving.

Funny thing though...because I assumed so much...I assumed love...which meant often I would not feel it, because I didn't know and believe it...which left the "control", my power, in others' hands...for them to have to make me feel...which meant, make me believe.

Seems safer to make others' choices about us...factor ourselves into them...cross that human boundary...until it's deadly...like an A...then we see our limits...God's design of us...that we cannot be the cause, control or cure of others. That's our limit...and because of that, we're free to focus on what is within our control...we choose our very thoughts, our beliefs (one by one), the way we perceive and view...which results in what we feel...signals to alert us to what we can control...

And only we can know. No walls required. Healthy boundaries around us, about us...progressive enforcements...upon our own choices...like not to assume, not conjecture, not divine or self-deceive...not what we want. Not who we really are. We do and not do. So do other humans. You're responsible for your choices...you have no say in the outcome...and God made it so you choose your results.

He's leading, you're with him...no doubt. Again, I offer to you Alanon...those same 12-steps look very different from your AA ones...though they are the same...when you understand that false control is what you're addicted to...what you give up to your higher power.

Took a lot of self-control, belief, love and devotion for your long years of sobriety, Queenie...which is when you really stood in the place you have control...God-given and guided. You're just learning more, growing more...aren't you?

(Alanon and Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend...they reinforce each other)

Difference in living from fear (control) and from love. Very different experiences.

LA

Loving,

I have printed out what you are saying because I sense it's important to my personal growth, but I am not getting it. I want to read it and pray on it and see where it takes me with G-d.

I'll be back tomorrow.

Thank you

Queenie,

Read Psalm 107. I won't quote it all but have some observations for you.

In verse 4 we see those that got stranded in life and felt hopeless. In verse verse 10 we see those who lived in a prison of their own making because they rebelled against God. In verse 17 we meet those who were afflicted because of their rebellion against God and their foolish ways. In verse 23 we see those who were in peril because they were doing their job, It was through no fault of their own, yet they were in danger of being engulfed by the waves.

In every single case, when they cried out to God, "Lord help!" God lifted them up, brought them to a place of shelter and provided for every need. Those who were fools and were afflicted were saved from death and healed. Those who were lost in the dessert and were thirsty were brought to a city where they were fed and their thirst was quenched. Those who were lost at sea as the storm raged around them were brought into safe harbor where they were no longer in peril.

And even those who rebelled against God and had created their own circumstances because of their choices, when they realized their condition and cried out to God for help, even they were set free from their chains and released from captivity to their sins.

God rescued all of them...Once they cried out to Him...

Verse 43 says: Whoever is wise, let him heed these things and consider the great love of the Lord.

He will save you Queenie. And He wants to save your WH but he has to cry out to God for help before God will do it...

Psalm 107:1 Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever.

I am overwhelmed at all that I am learning and so very confused to be honest.

This boundaries, control, and fear thing just boggles me. I am reading what you are saying Loving, but I am having hard time digesting it. Can you please help explain it further. I'm sorry for being so dunce. Either that or my mind is fighting it because you are so dead on, which I have a feeling is the case.

I really appreciate you taking time and breaking it down.

Mark, I actually read that Psalm alot. I know G-d is there, I just wish I could physically feel him. Any suggestions?

Queenie,

God promises that if we seek Him with all our heart that we will find Him. He wants to meet with us right where we are.

It's easy to have faith when we feel His presence, it becomes more difficult to believe when we are in chaos. The too most difficult times to feel God's presence is when things are going really well, because we tend to forget about Him and forget that all that we have comes from Him and is really just on loan to us.

It is also very hard to have faith when things are going very badly for us, because then we start to question all the things we believed including His love for us. For how could a loving God allow us to suffer so much. But our suffering is merely the consequences of sin, both ours and that of others. It comes with living in a fallen world where sin and rebellion against God is what is the norm.

At some point, if we simply cry out to Him and say "Lord! Help me!" He will make Himself known to us. But we have to be willing to rely totally on Him and stop trying to do it for ourselves. This is what is meant by "letting go and letting God..."

How do I know God cares for me and that He is still watching over me when I don't feel His presence? I know because He promises that He cares and will always be there. He told Joshua to be strong and courageous and to not fear anything. "As I was with Moses, so I will be with you!" Once we understand that this is true, it is up to us to act as if it is true. It isn't enough to believe, we must act as if we believe.

When Noah was building the ark in the middle of the dessert, without a rain cloud in site, he continued to do what God called him to do, because he believed God and acted as if he did. It says of Noah that he believed God and that God counted it to him as righteousness. It isn't what we do for God that matters, but what we trust in Him to do for us...

Mark

This I get with every fiber og my being.

I get caught up in the non action instead of just keep putting each toe in front of the other and know that when I get to the end of where G-d wants me I will be blessed.

My faith will come from not seeing, but believing and keep doing the work.

For so long I relied on me to take care of everything and was alone. I am NOT along anymore because G-d is there right with me and I just have to keep asking for his guidance every step of the way and perservere even when I don't think he is speaking to me.

It's quite amazing when you think that I really am NOT alone anymore, no matter what. Things and people can sadly come and go, but my relationship with G-d is mine alone and NO ONE can take that away. I may not take care of it or nurture it, but it is ALWAYS there for ME.

That's where the complete dependence on G-d in Psalm 23 comes from doesn't it?

On a mommy note - my YS played his second game. I got to scorekeep which I love to do. I also am team mom which keeps me active with him and his team and best of all, my son scored 4 goals and one assist. They won 10-4. It was a priviledge to watch him and a gift from G-d knowing that I have this time with my children because G-d is blessing me with it.

Mark, if I don't see you before. Good Shabbas. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hello my friend-

Psalm 23 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


I'm still croaking like a frog, but feeling better.

Your bracelet is a part of my life and body and I don't imagine it will ever come off. I love you, JT...

I'm so glad you are feeling better, I worry about you. With your past this isn't worse because of it is it?

What are you doing this weekend?