I don't think stating your #1 emotional need as harping!!!!

When we had our issue I was completely open and honest with my wife. This is an absolute deal breaker, I cannot see this working out. Not only that I would have never married you if this is how it was when we were courting.

I tried bargaining and explaining and finally I just said oh well it would be easier for you to fulfill my need then living alone and raising 2 kids but I guess it isn't that important to you. Low and behold when faced with the reality of the situation she started filling my needs.

Not necessarily MB stuff but you know what our M is better for it.

I was honest about everything, Frog. His participation is not mandatory, but will have it's own ripple effect.

I used the word HARPING to illustrate how a closed minded person would view the honesty, instead of looking on it as a chance to grow closer, and better understand your spouse, one might view it as criticism. The way I stated my needs was pretty concise, and I didn't say that he HAD to fill them, just that I won't exist in a marriage without them. This is my choice. He has his own choices to make.

If I say that I won't exist in a marriage without affection, admiration, SF, conversation, RC, and so on, then I believe that I have to GIVE these things also. His choice is to step up and contribute or not. If he WON'T contribute in the ways that I need, that is his choice.

Right leading by example and giving to him what you would like in return. I feel the same on that.


Have you clearly articulated to him what chosing not to contribute means?

If within x amount of time if I don't see significant progress I will do y.

Geez I think from my recollection you have tried almost everything.

So now it is clear that the "issue" is with him. Maybe he needs to see someone or talk it through.

Maybe that can be the start. I want you to go see and talk to someone to work through the WHY you aren't affectionate and touching etc.

It's clear that this marriage will be over if he won't do this. I'm at peace with this decision. I have not put a stringent time limit on it, but I plan on elaborating more. I wanted to give him a couple of days to think about it.

Each time I talk about my needs, I think about DS and the impact my decisions will have on him. I just can't be in a marriage without touch. To me, it's not a marriage.

I'm not asking him to jump my bones right now, but to begin to touch me, even in the smallest of ways, and then work up to the yummy stuff.

I don't want to get to personal but here we go down a slippery slope that I don't know if you have been down.

Have you ever just got undressed and said "Jump my bones right now"?

Just to let you know though you are treating him more then fair here.

I know how it feels when you have to way the kids in to your decesion.

I tell my W that she cannot make me happy or sad but she can be a source of happiness or sadness for me.

In a good M the Spouse strives to be a source of happiness. Touch makes you happy. He should strive to be that source.

Heck I wish thats all my wife wanted, but then again we would have 20 kids if it was.

Actually this is a GREAT IDEA... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I'm busy today..

But SL...looks like YOU have lots more of your own work to do...

Don't we all?

I'm STILL working on being a better wife...

I'm right there with you...

I thought you were doing the affection thing DAILY...hugging him, touching him...

Let's start that, OK?

I have to WORK not to even just ACCIDENTALLY touch my H in the bed at night...try leg to leg while he's sleeping...

LOTS OF HOPE left for ya...LOTS...

LATER...

OT:
What's the title, if you don't mind me asking?

I was touchin and huggin for quite a long time, Mimi. Without any type of reciprocation, it wore me down. I still did many OTHER things for PWC, just stopped doing as much of the touchin.

The last time I said "jump my bones" his body was less than receptive, and it hurt a great deal. It was a real ego and moral dive for me. I've since grown in my personal growth and know this was not about me.

I'm not quite ready to do the 'unwrap my gift' kinda thing again. I put myself out there many times. I don't plan on stopping, but I'm putting a limit on how much longer I can go without him telling me what he needs and beginning to see the importance of filling my most important needs.



This is how it USED to be with us. It has actually surprised me that this is such an uphill battle with him.

Rin,

The cd is called "Growing Pains". I'm looking forward to purchasing it soon. I'm going to wait until after Christmas to see if Santa heard my request.

MAN, THAT'S AWESOME!!!

Listening to Work THAT!!!!

THANK YOU SL!!!!

Rin's got new music!!! :doing the happy dance:

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

________________________

THat's it! I'm getting a new ringtone REALLLLL SOONNNNN!!!

"Just Fine" is a very uplifting song. I can't wait to have the whole album.

SL....OMG, GIRL...This CD is OFF the HOOK!!!

The whole thing!!!

I'm going to pray that Santa heard you!!!

YOU ARE THE BOOM!!!

Appreciate the heads up!

Silent:

May you be able to break thru to PWC soon.

I have offered to deliver the headslap personnally.

If you decide to take me up on that, you can get it touch.

Good luck!

I hope it works out.

(((((S/L))))

LG

Hey LG,

Thanks for dropping in! I hope he has more of an awakening, too. We'll see. It was a nice holiday; we spent lots of time watching movies together, in the evenings, and laughing and joking.

I've told him that I want to revisit some of the things I've said in a little bit (probably this weekend, sometime) and get his input on how we can get this party moving and groovin' in the right direction, together. We also have to discuss more about my post surgery recovery; he will have to take on the lion's share of duties around the house for a bit, and we will have to play it by ear as to when I can pick up doing more again.

I hope it all works out too.

Off to the dentist to shine up my off white, coffee stained teeth. Then to the vet with the dogs for their booster shots. I'll check in later.

Hi SL,

I am glad the holidays went well. It sounds like maybe the baby steps are starting to add up. You have done very well and deserve the best.

LG, your posts today have a sort of "signing off" ring to them. I hope not.

howdy chrisner!

It looks like a song is in order

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Thanks SL!

47 and doing good! Well, my right knee is more like 57 and a little iffy plus my first birthday gift this morning was a flat tire in a snow storm, 8 degrees and a driving wind but all in all I feel great!

Congrats again on your progress.

Well, as of this morning, I have spoken to WH about MC and about me being at the end of my rope. I've told him that I can't recover this thing alone, and that initially, I believe that recovery is a choice that is counterintuitive. HE must choose.

I told him that I love him, and I'm letting him go. I can't continue on this same trek. It's the same thing over and over again. I don't need him throwing me anymore bones, I need commitment, honesty and TOUCH.

I've told him that I am willing to do everything within my power to recover, but only if he truly commits.

This whole process has taught me some valuable lessons. Firstly, I cannot control anyone but myself. THat being said, I must speak up with what is troubling me, walking into the fear of the unknown, not able to control the outcome, but not living with an unsavory situation out of fear.

As for MC, I have suggested it a number of times, to no avail. I have found a number of marriage coaches in the area that deal in these problems with the same style as the Harley's, and also have suggested the Harleys. I have counseled with Jennifer, and taken her suggestions and applied them, as well as worked on personal recovery (thank God for you guys, pushing me to look inward).

PWC knows that I love him; he sees my changes (his words), he sees my efforts and said that it was HIM. I told him that I believe getting to romantic love and intimacy is a choice. So far, from my perspective, he chooses NOT to get there with me.

Basically, the conversation boiled down to him. THere is nothing more that I can do, until he chooses our M.

HE says that he has nothing further to add to the last conversation we had about this subject. He last said that he has to WANT ME, in order to DO this (recovery). The methods of the Harleys state that you can be in total withdrawal and still get it all back, with practice and application. I believe them. From what he says, PWC still believes that love is just supposed to happen, that you are supposed to FALL in love. I believe that it takes effort and work (even new relationships require constant attention, except we WANT to give that attention in the beginning).

All in all, I know I've made every conceivable effort to woo him back. It's just not working. He may be too lost, and only he can lead himself back.

I'm getting my hair colored today. It's short now, and it will be BLONDE (I have light brown hair). I'm looking forward to the change.

I'll talk at you guys later. Love y'all.

All in all, I know I've made every conceivable effort to woo him back. It's just not working. He may be too lost, and only he can lead himself back.

I'm getting my hair colored today. It's short now, and it will be BLONDE (I have light brown hair). I'm looking forward to the change.

I'll talk at you guys later. Love y'all.

Prayers out to you SL and your H (he also gets a big thunk on the head). The way you've handled you situation and your outlook has been very encouraging to me.

How blonde? I hope it's true for you that Blondes have MORE FUN! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey we love you to!

SL,

I'll be praying that PWC opens his heart to see that there are steps he can take, and needs to take to get your M to the level of intimacy it can have. I will be focusing in his gaining understanding that with the effort on his part, the long term payoff for HIM is HUGE!!

I don't think he sees or believes that at all right now. Drac admitted it seemed logical and possible,,,,but he didn't really believe in the Payoff being BIG enough for him to take the steps. He stayed mired in the same place as PWC,,,,,,,,,doubting that the steps would work, that the changes ARE possible, and mostly, doubting that they would be long term and permanent.

If you are able to continue doing so well, there is such great hope that he will come to see & believe, and then PARTICIPATE in doing his part to bring it all to fruition.

I understand that you can only go on for so long the way you have. So, my friend, I can only encourage you and support you in your current path & efforts, , , , which I find SO amazing and admirable. Keep your eye on yourself. Be sure you are taking care of yourself. Your personal recovery is a shining example to everyone who reads here.

So,,,,,,,,,I'll ask, too. Just HOW blonde are you going??!!