Well me and my H (and obviously our kids) are all ACOAs. I think i have never really thought about the effects of it on me or on them.

In our case i have never been a drinker (maybe once a year if that) and my h has for the most part (except during the affair) always been one that would not drink and drive anyway (he pretty much had a built in designated driver in me). And i have always talked to my kids about it. I guess i never even thought about the effects on them since i have always talked to them about it.

Is this wrong of me? Should i have done more than that for them? All of this worry from all of you makes me worry that i haven't done "right" by my kids.

Oh, my worry is MINE, stemming from my fear that I'm going to screw up my son. I have been reading about boundaries. In that book, it describes the first three years of life, when we begin practicing detachment from our parents and learning to say NO. My son suffered a great TRAUMA during that time, and I wonder how that will affect him.

I used to FEAR how the separtions would affect him, now I know that they have and he will carry that in his makeup forever. What's done is done. I also became angry really easily during the last two years, and would find myself escalating to the point where I was yelling at my son. He was only four or five at the time. I'm horrified by it. His boundaries are gonna need some work, I'm sure of it.

As for the drinking and your children, I can't really advise there, because I'm not even sure what to do about it right now.

Today, my struggle is letting go and giving it to a higher power. I want PWC to be gone, to leave, so that I don't suffer WITH him anymore. Today I am teetering on the edge of asking him to leave. I honestly don't think he would even if I asked; he doesn't want to struggle financially, or lose his house, so I suppose he would stay in a bad marriage, just to not have to suffer. Meanwhile, I suffer. I also don't want to see PWC HURT; how twisted is THAT! I have to learn to detach from this, but right now, I'm having a hard time not doing the ALL OR NOTHING thing. It's either I'm in it and trying to show him love, or I'm out and comletely gone to him. I have no middle ground right now.

I can't even decide if the Valentine that I sent him was something I really wanted to do, or was I trying to make him feel loved so that he would SUDDENLY get that there are bigger things at play than him here. I thinks it's a little of both. I honestly want to cancel the delivery, but then I think I'm ridiculous. OY, what a mess it can be inside my head.

Some days I'm clear and focused, somedays it's all muddled in there.

SC, talking to your kids is never wrong, as long as you are using facts and reality, not emotionally biased information. WE can only do what we know. Maybe more knowledge will help you. Read up on Boundaries; it's a good read and you may find better ways of helping them, and helping yourself.

It's either I'm in it and trying to show him love, or I'm out and comletely gone to him. I have no middle ground right now.

Sounds like limbo land for you SL. Take it one day at a time, you'll know what to do when it's the right time.

SL,

It is funny how much people can be alike, i know we are all different but in many ways so alike. I too always want to fix things so reading this just made me wonder.

My parents had me later in life (my mom was 38 and my dad was 45 when i was born) so growing up there was a bigger generation gap than most of my friends (most people thought they were my GRANDparents). They were from the era that you did not talk about many of the things that i feel you should talk to your kids about.

I think because of that i have ALWAYS talked to my kids about everything. I have answered any question they have ever asked me in terms i felt they could understand for their age. Even the tough questions i answer to the best of my ability and what i think is morally correct, yet i also challenge them to tell me what they think too.

I think anyone who is a true mother worries about their kids. My daughters tell me that i am their freind and that gives me great but i too just worry how everything i have done (or not done) will affect them in adulthood. My two D are already there (adulthood although barely) and my S is close to being there and so far they seem like really good kids so i just hope that continues.

And i wish i knew what to say about PWC, heck i have the same feelings as you quite a bit and i do not have half the issues you are dealing with. All i can say is just keep chugging along. I have a freind that had BTDT and divorced her WH and she always tells me you will know when you have "had enough" and so far i am not there but it sounds as though you are close. So sorry for you (((((((((SL)))))))!!!

This just all around STINKS sometimes.

Life isn't fair, blah blah blah. I'm not crying over spilt milk though.

I can't stand walking into the house knowing that my husband is not going to respond to me. It's a crappy situation. I also feel like I'm left holding the decision making reigns A LOT! Maybe that's what God wants for me, to learn to let go and to trust that all things will come to me in time. It's tough. Even with guidance, the buck stops here. I know it does, and I'm hoping that my anger doesn't win out before I find the proper solution for me.

As it stands, I can't see staying with him, and it's not because I don't love him, but because I may not find what I need with him. I also don't want to get tangled up and sicken myself further. I can do Alanon with him there or without him there.

Today, my emotions are bubbling at the surface, as you can probably tell. This time of year is difficult for me. My mother died on February 12th and we buried her on February 14th. I didn't want to celebrate this holiday after that for a while. I dunno, just a very emotional time for me.

Also, my former step father recently contacted me, and a whole mess of stuff has been rolling around in my head. Do I really want to talk to him again? Why does he want to talk to me and my siblings? Is it nastalgia, or is it a need to have a connection with some family (he has no children of his own; continued marrying single mothers and divorcing). HE was not the nicest man when we all lived together; he was pushy and angry and possessive; showed very little consideration for us kids--seemed like we were just part of the package that he HAD to accept by marrying my mom.

Lots of stuff happening inside right now.

Unfortunately i too know what you mean about the feelings of when your mom died. I have lost both of my parents and not only do i have a hard time around the time of year i lost each of them, i also do not feel the same about mother's or father's day since then.

Just know that we all are thinking about you and praying for you.

EXACTLY!!



And when that happens you are compelled TO DO something...in order to numb yourself..to get those FEELINGS to go away. Standard ACOA, SL. Get yourself the BASIC ACOA book. I just saw it at B&N yesterday. I'll come back in a moment and tell you the name.

I had to learn to FLOW with the FEELINGS. Just let the FEELINGS be the FEELINGS..like LABOR PAINS...learn to go through the FIRE to get to the other side rather than trying to SIDETRACK and AVOID. Learning to deal with the negative feelings allows us to truly experience the GOOD feelings as well. Tell yourself that THIS WILL PASS...and I certainly know about grief...

And about that STEPFATHER..you already KNOW the answer to that one..dont'cha lady who just started with Alanon and immediately needs to stop that CARETAKING?

All of this is hitting you square between the eyes, too, and it's hard..happened to me, too, when I was about your age...but you will be so THANKFUL in the long run...after you GROW through this PAINFUL PERIOD of EPIPHANY...all those LIGHTBULBS going off...

Here is THE BOOK that I highly recommend:

Adult Children of Alcoholics

I think..and I may be wrong..the next step is to talk to him about how you feel about his drinking..that it's not OK with you..NOT TO MAKE HIM DO ANYTHING..since you are in fact POWERLESS..Remember?..YOU ONLY CONTROL YOURSELF and YOUR THINKING...

I just ordered that book myself.

One concern I have is that excuse starts being used as a crutch. Not everything can be blamed on the FOO.

Fox

It can be a crutch if one get's caught up in the UNDERSTANDING without APPLICATION.

The KEY is to begin taking charge of your own life in the NOW. I had to disconnect myself from my FOO to lead a happier life, being continually cast in the caretaker role..even as an adult..YUCK...

Thank you Mimi. The emotions are so high right now, and I'm physically tired every day, and it's just all coming together at one time right now.

I did reply to my former step father's email, just to answer his questions. I am not interested in pursuing anything with him right now, maybe never. I just never loved him or respected him as a child would a parent, or even a loved one in general. He didn't SEEM to care much for us kids; we SEEMED more like a nuisance.

Okay, so what do you guys mean by FOO? I've thought it out and can't figure the acronym out; feeling a little doofy, cause I'm sure it's something obvious.

As for talking to PWC, I have. I do need to tell him how this is all affecting me now, as I feel differently than I did even a week ago. I feel like so much has happened that I'm not sure I even want to let him in right now.

LA mentioned being still, not withdrawing or dancing, but being honest and standing still. I just see that I need to let this all pass, to calm down, gain some real perspective and take care of myself. Things are really RAW right now, like a festering toothache.

(((SL))) I'm sorry things are especially hard today. You've had more than your fair share of trials.

Take a deep breath, take it a little easier today, and give your brain a day off ok?! Just be.

as always thoughts and prayers are with you and yours!

FOO= Family Of Origin



Ditto.

Hugs to you SL. (((((SL)))))

Gotta head to a meeting. Check back with you later.

Fox

This works for me daily!

I am thinking of you SL. Hugs from the Rockies.

I may fall victim to this. Guess I'll read the book when it gets here and go from there. I may look you up for some help, mimi, if you don't mind.

Fox

SL,



...yeah, I like your plan....particularly the: TAKE CARE OF MYSELF part!

...breathing deeply can also help a lot.

You will get through this, SL.

(((((((((((((((((SL)))))))))))))))))

I figured it was Family Of Origin.

I'm currently reading "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend, and it's already a real eye opener. I think it's bringing up a lot of STUFF, and it is painful, some of it. I'm not just talking about what's happened to my DS, either, but what's happened to me. I'm so wishy washy right now, too.

One minute, I'll think about the drinking and our patterns, and see it for what it is, then the next, I'll be minimizing the drinking, and assuming I'm doing something wrong, or just not laid back enough, or closed off, or something or other.

Why do I do that? I make excuses for the behaviors, by minimizing them. I then try to think of the NEXT thing I can try to open up PWC's eyes, see what he's missing out on, what he's slowly losing. Intellectually, I know I can't open his eyes, but I so long for our M to be safe and happy again that I keep trying, only WHAT I'm trying isn't working, hasn't worked, and I don't believe it WILL work.

To not be TOUCHED by your spouse for months is SICK, to me. Obviously, I've always thought this, even from the beginning. I don't believe there is anything I can do about it, yet I keep trying to step into the dance, to give and hope that he will give me what I need. He's shown me over and over again that he doesn't respect me, that I'm not first after him, that my pain is not worth comforting. It's amazing that I keep going back for more. When I cry, he doesn't even look at me, doesn't touch me. It's like a slap in the face. So, the result is that I don't cry with him anymore, I cry alone, comforting myself with what I can. It's probably not his JOB to comfort me, anyway.

THis is why it's so painful right now, because I realize I have used all the excuses up, for why it's not working, and finished convincing myself that If I just do this one other thing, then he'll come around. The fifteen hours I struggled with and struggled with. I've made multiple suggestions, most so that we can be together at home after our son goes to sleep. We just ended up watching TV or movies, not sitting close. I tried, but when he did or does touch me, it's like I'm an armrest. His limbs seem dead or even repulsed. THat response then repulses me; I don't want to go where I'm not wanted. I dunno, I'm rambling now.

I really, really think that HIS DRINKING explains it all..

A FALSE RECOVERY because he's traded ONE ADDICTION for another...

This CHANGES the whole gameplan in my eyes..my opnion...

NOW..you really, really focus on YOU and getting yourself further healed EMOTIONALLY and PHYSICALLY..

There's no rush..nothing that you've gotta do...but get yourself HEALED...

Take that first step and realize that you are POWERLESS over HIM...

HE IS SICK and incapable of working on the MARRIAGE or any relationship until HE CHOOSES to work on HIMSELF...

I encourage you to become involved with ALANON because of the present and because of your "FOO" issues...

Be still and continue in your process of healing yourself...

((((SL))))..Luv ya, Girl...

Thank you Mimi. Thank you for hearing me.