phoenix,

You ROCK! You are doing great!

Best wishes and best of luck to you forging ahead with Plan B!

Charlotte

(Sometimes I think Plan B=Plan Brave...)

thankyou.

do you think he will understand that from the letter, or is there a better way to add it/say it?

i had my meeting with my lawyer tonight - it went well except that i couldn't stop crying this time.. he had brought a copy of the petition this time for me to review and sign and it just seemed so.. awful! H is so crazy.. so hard to understand how he could have gotten us to this place. just feeling sad. but ready to go. i'm sending it first thing in the morning (lawyer loved it btw).

I am so sorry, hon. Are you talking to your mother about all this??

What did the lawyer love?

my father has passed away and my mother is mentally ill, so no.. but i have some really amazing friends - one of whom is visiting right now and she has been wonderful. my boys love her, too. our church has also been amazing - God has definitely provided in that relational way.

he just loved the letter, the way it was worded; clear, honest, firm. he said it also gives a good paper trail regarding my own efforts and wishes, should the divorce proceed.

thanks for all the support..

.........................

I'm assuming that this takes place immediately.

The terms of visitation are unacceptable. Your suggested removal of my
access to OUR home and one of my nights with the boys is drastic.
Perhaps you have forgotten that I am still completely financially
responsible for you, the boys, and the house. I'm theIr father and I
love them. I've been steadily commuting an average of 3 hours each
night to spend 2 hours with them. I am a dedicated, loving father.

Though I will not be able to see the boys on thursday this week, I am
certain that I will see them the following thursday.

...............................

thoughts???????

Throw it in the trash and stop reading his emails. Have your intermediary send him a message inviting him to pass all pertinent communication through her BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE READING HIS EMAILS.

In the meantime, set up a RULE on your email program that bounces all of his emails directly to your intermediary so you don't even see it. Don't read any of his emails anymore.

Have your intermediary write something along these lines:

Dear Joe,

Phoenix is forwarding your emails to me so I would appreciate it if you would go through me if you need to speak to her so I can make sure she sees anything important concerning the kids. Otherwise, she won't see the message.

I will be happy to pass on any pertinent information regarding visitation schedules or finances. Any other information would not be passed on as per her letter.

Thanks much Joe,

Sally Intermediary

Melody is right. Don't read his emails. He will most likely find one excuse after another to contact you. It will be about visitation, the bills, a tool he left, and on an on. That is what my ex did. He contacted me at work when I stopped answering the home phone.

What a load of entitlement crap! A "dedicated, loving" father who has abandoned them for his sleazy affair. He believes he is entitled to carry on his affair life, abandon his family and still reap all the benefits of a married when the spirit moves him. UGH! Talk about a wayward mind, phoenix. This is pretty bad.

It's HIS choice to spend 3 hours a night driving to spend time with his children...he could END HIS AFFAIR and spend as much time as he wants with them. Don't let him guilt you into changing your mind.

The ball is in his court. He can choose to end his affair and come home to his family. But he can't have both. That's the part he needs to realize...and it may take a little time.

You guys are just awesome. phoenix, you stumbled into the most beneficial place on the 'net to save your family.

P,

Do NOT let this rattle you. I'll tell you exactly what people here told me:

Stay the course
Stick with the Plan
This is wayward babble


Stand firm, P. You are NOW in Plan B. You didn't give him the email to ASK HIS permission. You gave him the email to TELL HIM YOUR boundaries. Refuse his contact. Use the intermediary. THIS is a perfect example of why you have one set up.

Hold on tight. If I remember right, you were filing something with your attorney. When he gets that and when you do exposure at work, he WILL try to break your Plan B. Be prepared for that. Think through HOW he might try. Post your ideas here, so we can help you avoid him actually getting through to you.

You are protecting yourself. You have taken control. I am so proud of you. I know how hard this is. I know how scared you are. But YOU are an amazing woman. You are a strong woman. You can get through this. God is on YOUR side, your children's side. He will see you through.

[quotePerhaps you have forgotten that I am still completely financially responsible for you, the boys, and the house. [/quote]
This sounds like a threat to me. I would forward this to your lawyer and ask him to keep it on file.

I forwarded everything that might be useful or relevant later to my attorney to keep on file.

One more thought, P.

He doesn't even like the SOUND of his reality. When my FWH would bulk at my boundaries, I would say to myself (with major attitude), "Welcome to reality baby!"

Your WS is about to get a big dose of reality...the reality HE chose by abandoning his wife and his children.

If this statement weren't so sad, I would be laughing my behind off.

He is NOT dedicated or loving. He has LEFT his children and wants to be a part-time parent. A dedicated loving father would NEVER leave his children. Don't buy into that crap. He's just trying to guilt you. Stand firm.

Amen to SMB. Phoenix, don't let him scare you, he is just testing your resolve BECAUSE HE DOES NOT WANT TO LOSE CONTROL OVER YOU. He is angry because you will not allow him to have his cake and eat it too. You have made yourself UNAVAILABLE FOR ABUSE. Hang tough, my friend.

thankyou everyone. so much. i was offline because we took the kids to a museum this morning to try and get out, away from this all. but i felt like i was having a panic attack all morning. i just feel afraid. i don't know what he might do - but he's very smart.

i definitely feel like he was trying to threaten me into keeping things the same - does he think i might have forgotten that i don't have any income myself and four mouths to feed?? but he's not feeding us out of the generosity of his heart - it's because he married someone and had three kids!!

but he still screws up my thinking so much.. i appreciate your verbal affirmations of what is really going on and what you hear.

i am having the locks changed tonight - and i will do as you suggested with the email filter. any other way that i should be prepared for what he might do next..?

P, we have even had angry waywards threaten LEGAL ACTION to force the BS to talk to them, so just be prepared. [I will help oyu with this if it ever comes up] Have an effective plan in place to prevent him from getting through in the case of:

1. phone calls [screen your calls and don't answer]

2. if he comes to the house [don't let him in. simply answer the door, or speak through it and tell him you expect him to respect your request for no contact - politely close the door]

3. emails [bounce them to your intermediary WITHOUT READING THEM]

A wayward is crazy and the embodiment of self will run riot, so just expect a temper tantrum and you will be better prepared. Once he sees you mean business, he will back off. But if you relent and let him through, you are done. He will know he can play you like a fiddle and that is the LAST MESSAGE you want to send to a wayward.


God help the man if he withholds your support, that is all I can say, because only God can save him in front of a judge if he dares to pull that stunt. Your lawyer knows you will have him by the you-know-whats if he messes with your support.

P,

Just thinking about you and praying for you.

You are doing great. You are a courageous woman.