My W of 14yrs has told me she wants a D. We have had our problems over the years and has dropped that on me before, with the I love you but not in love with you speech. Now she says she hates me.

Bio:
When we married I was 23 she was 20 and pregnant. We have 2 children now 13 and 5. She thinks that is why we married. I don't think that at all. I love her and still do.

When we met she had recently moved from another state and was staying with friends. She was running away from a relationship that her family did not approve of. Which I did not find about until a few years into the marriage.

It became obvious to me that she was never really over this OM. It seems that she has always been able to follow what is going on with OM and has been able to keep tabs on him due to other family members. When things were difficult in our relationship she would often bring up feelings she still has for OM.

She had been really struggling with a lot of pressure at work and with life in general and I think that there was contact made with OM on a visit to her sister in other state when she went to visit her sister for a B-day weekend. We had been having some problems and she decided it would be a good idea to clear her head and think.

She made little effort to make contact with me or the kids that weekend and after I had not heard from her late Sunday afternoon I called and she was sleeping at 4:30 in the afternon. She said she would get ready and head home if she had to. She later called me and told me she would be staying the night Sunday.

She made it home late Monday and greeted me with the cold shoulder. I failed to mention that the week prior she had not been wearing her ring and did not take it with her.

She gave me the cold shoulder all week. Saying she was trying she just wasn't feeling it. She has been secretive and having late night phone calls with "her sister" that week.

Sunday the 11th of Nov. she received a call from her sister saying her dad arrived and was sick. I won't go into details but he does have health issues. So she emailed work Sunday night requesting a leave of absence and left back out of state Monday.She did spend time with her dad and took him to doctor that week.

While she was there she basically did not want to talk. She made no contact with work and lost her job. Her freinds had been calling my house and asking about her because she has had no contact with them. I finally told one friend the situation. I also spoke to her mom. Which she is also avoiding.

She has often told me she misses her family and wanted to be closer. Well I ended up taking the kids half way to her on the 21st so they could spend Thanksging with her and her family. She never made it to her D parents hometown but chose to spend it with her sister and her husbands family (which is somehow related to OM) so esentially OM family.

I was really concerned and did fianlly mention that she please not subject the kids to her being with OM with them present. She told me I was crazy and over reacting.

She came home yesterday and is ready to file. This is all happening extremely fast and she has no desire to work things out or see a counselor or read any books.

I have read HNHN and am working on LB. And having been really reading all the posts on MB I can. I have implemented Plan A to the best of my abilty. I just don't know how to slow her down or if I can.

She is in withdrawl and her taker is definately in charge right now.

I am greatful to all the people on this site I have been able to keep my emotions in check somewhat due the responses and posts I have been reading.

Thank you all! God bless.

fasttrack,

Welcome to MB.

Please email me at the address listed below.

I presume you have already read the "For Newly Betrayed Spouses" thread on the Just Found Out board. If not...do so.

email me regardless.

Mr. Wondering

I am very sorry you are here, ft, but you have probably guessed that your W is having an affair. The very best weapon you have against her affair is exposure. That is the stick of Plan A. The carrot of Plan A is to show her that you are willing to meet her needs and do your best to rebuild your marriage if she will end her affair.

But the first step should be exposure. Affairs thrive on secrecy and exposure is ruinous to them. Good exposure targets are parents, [ALL] spouses, siblings, etc. Your children should also be told the truth about the affair and given moral guidance.

When she talks about "filing" let her know that you won't cooperate in any divorce action and will countersue for adultery, calling the OM as a witness. Whatever you do, don't leave your home and don't agree to give her custody. Making her work for every thing will slow her down long enough for her affair to crumble.

She is in "withdrawal" from you?

Thanks Mr. W. I will do that when I get home I am at work now.

I failed to mention that she tells me that everyone tells her that I am the perfect husband faithful/loyal (reminds me of my dog). I go straight home from work love my family time.I am happy spending time at home. She is more sociable by far and has a very outgoing personality.

I really don't drink any more and haven't really since my early 20's. Maybe a glass of wine with dinner occasionally. I have contributed my share of LB and can list them if you think it will help.

I honestly am in shock at how fast this seems to be happening. She says that it is not happening that fast that she has only held on this long for the kids. Now it's time to do things for herself and not worry about what any one else thinks.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

MelodyLane,

Thanks for the advise. I will do all I can to slow her down.

The OM is her "true and first love" according to her. She has not confessed or will admit to contact with OM at this time. She says she is not being completely honest with everything for fear I will "use it against her".

She is in withdrawl from me mainly.But also with her family and friends. She is very hostile tawards me trying to provoke my taker and has succeeded a few times.

I have a hard time with the part about letting the kids know. That terrifies me.

Next time she goes to OM's location, hire a private eye to get you all you need in evidence for exposure.

Consider purchase of a keylogger for your computer and you can record all e-mails or letters she may write to him...more evidence.

Check cellphone bills online, and you can easily spot OM's number, as the frequency of calls will exceed all others....more evidence.

WS's always deny, and the more evidence you have, the more confident you can be in exposure. If OM is married, make copies of all you get, and furnish her with all the evidence, so she won't go into denial. She will be your best ally in establishing No Contact.

Sorry you find a need to be here, but this site can help you through this.

edited to add: consider purchasing a voice activated recorder (Radio Shack) to hide on a spare phone line in your home....again...more evidence...

Depending on the state some things are and are not admissable.

Most will admit tracking device information especially if you own the automobile. I have seen in some states it is perfectly legal to place a GPS device on any car as long as you do it (place it) on public property. Strange, I know, but that seems to be the rules that private eyes have to live by. (I also don't know how anyone would prove you didn't place it on public property).

Since she is out of town for days carrying on with this guy the GPS system may really help you out.

Check out the spying 101 thread for more detailed listings of items that will help you out.

Mr. Wondering

Had a talk with my wife yesterday. Told her I had to do everything I could to keep our family together. She did not like that and it upset her.

I brought up the subject of the OM and mentioned that she never emotionaly let go of that relationship and she said she had tried but couldn't. Told me that is who she is meant to be with. I said there is no way we can ever work things out as long as she holds on to OM emotionally or physically.

I told her I couldn't just walk away, she said I didn't care about her happiness and only am thinking about myself and I am crazy to be playing with her emaotions this way. She said I can't accept the fact that I am not "the one". And she made it clear that she hates me...

I am really having a hard time with this. I think I did a really good job with no LB's but she got extremely upset and was crying and started yelling at me. I told her I couldn't talk to her when she was like that and went out to hang some lights. After that I did not bring it up just made some dinner and got the kids ready for bed when I put my daughter to bed I went to lay down also.

I think she is moving out today she has some stuff packed. Not sure where she is going. I had talked to her prior and the kids will be staying with me.

I said earlier she was in withdrawl from me and her family and friends what I meant is withdrawn. She thinks everyone is against her.

We are in TX and she has had her work phone and I can't see the log of that phone. I think she has a Go phone or something similar now. I know she mentioned getting one last time she was going out of town. Has another phone that my son had that she took also. She is very cautious with the phone thing. Before she left the last time she was on her work phone "with her sister" when I woke up at 4:30am .

It really seems hopeless that we can work things out right now. I am not sure who I am dealing with. She is such a nice easy to talk to person that everyone loves. Now she does not care what anyone thinks or it seems what they feel. She is close to having me convinced I am the one that is wrecking this marriage. The things she says really hurt.

Is the OM single or married? Does he also have kids?

If he is married, you really need to inform the other man's wife about what is going on.

I hate to add this to the mix FT, but are you sure of the paternity of your children?

I had asked her about OM when she came back from 1st trip out of town and he is not married. She mentioned he was engaged but I am not really sure. He is in another state. This guy is her high school sweetheart.

I am certain with with paternity of kids. No test but not really any doubt. Son looks just like me.

There is another instance I recall of a possible A. She told me it was close but nothing ever happened. She did say she had strong feelings for this person. This was someone that she had spent a lot af time with. They shared a mutual sporting interest. That OM was married but that OM wife was always around.

Like I said I am questioning why I am trying to save this. She agreed to let me have primary household with the kids.

Speak to an attorney and get this in writing. It could be the most impostant thing you ever do.

This is probably a lie. You will need to get the goods on him and then EXPOSE the affair. Do you have a phone # on him? With a phone # you can have a PI track down his name, address and marital status.

I agree with MEDC that you should get primary custody in writing. But most of all you need to find out who the OM is, if he is married and START EXPOSING THE AFFAIR.

Yeah, I thinkk I will contact an attorney today and see of I can get her to sign something.

She told the kids yesterday when I was at work that she was moving out and thet they would have 2 homes... She says my son is "glad" we are seperating. I told her that is not true that he just has not accepted the fact that it's over. I am really worried about him. I have been telling him I will do all I can to make it work and she is telling him it's over. Supposedly she told him about her feelings for the OM. I didn't have a chance to talk to him yesterday about anything. After she blew up at me she went to him crying and I am not sure what was said.

She keeps telling me not to ask him who was around on Thanksgiving and the 5 days the were out of town at her sisters. Says I am making him uncomfortable. I think she asked him not to tell me. She had been asking me to lie to her mom the 1st weekend she went out of towm. She did not want her mom or dad to know she was that close to them but not going to see them. She told me to tell them she was just not home if they called. I told her I wouldn't lie but her Dad called and that weekend and I just told him she wasn't home (big mistake).

You need to tell that boy TODAY about the affair and give him moral guidance. He needs to be protected from her lies. She is going to screw your kids up if you don't step in and stop this NOW. She should not be allowed to allowed to lie to your kids and drag them into it. She is trying to drag the kids into her affair in an attempt to normalize it. Affairees believe they will give the affair an air of respectibility if they can successfully introduce the kids into it.

This affair should be exposed, ft. Find out who this man is and if he is married. BUT, tell your kids today and tell the rest of her family and your family. It should be exposed wide and far.

Keeping her secret for her is to ENABLE the affair.

Dr. Harley on kids and OPs:


1. "Do I let them talk to me about what they do with OW and my WH?

Yes. Knowledge is power, and you want to know as much as possible about what's going on. Besides, you want to be able to answer their questions about why their father is with the other woman.

2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)

Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse)."

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

This is a very normal feeling that you are experiencing, and I imagine you're getting a lot of off-the-cuff advise from friends and family members to cut the biatch loose. However, you have to remember that this is your life and your children's, and you need to make your own decisions that are in line with your code and are in the best interest of your children.

I have heard all of the nasty things that you have heard; "She was trying, she just wasn't feeling it.", "I'm not in love with you and don't know if I ever was.", "We're just not compatible (or right) together", "This isn't happening fast. It's been over for years, I have just held on this long for the kids."

It's all crap. The bottom line is that your WW has chosen to renege on her commitment to you and your children, and to place her destructive interests above all else. She has an absolute right to make her own choices, as do you. You can choose to become a better person by studying here, and more importantly, to become the best father you can be...and none of that requires your WW.

Everyone knows that divorce causes serious issues with many children, even it those issues are not instantly apparent. You can't stop her from divorcing you, but you can do what is right for your family.

I am currently reading Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker, MD. Here is a passage from the book that may help you clarify what you want to do:


Maybe your WW isn't worth fighting for, but when you read here, you will see that your WW's current feelings will probably be thrown into serious shock when reality hits. But you need to do what you believe is right.

Thanks,

LoBoy

Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn
by Jennifer Harley Chalmers, Ph.D.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8112_lesson.html