Thank you SD & FCF,

I am continuing my Plan A. WW is still not very receptive to anything and manages to put a negative spin on everything. It is amazing how she manages not to see any good in anything that I do. She has been sick and I have done all I could help her out but she told me Saturday that I had done nothing for her and didn't care about her. But I know I can't expect her to see anytihng.

SD,

I really wish I could get her to participate in anything as a family or with just me. She wants absolutely nothing to do with either right now it seems. She makes little effort to do anything even with the kids. She seems to be in deep depression and I am worried about her.

FCF,

She is a wonderful person and I wish I could tell her but she does not listen. Any compliment I give gets twisted into a negative no matter how sincere I am with it. She seems to think she is a horrible wife and mother right now.

Thanks for the comments!
Take care,

WW called me last week to inform me she was splitting the cell phone bill with me, she proceeded to right a check on the joint account, which she no longer contibutes to.

This past Saturday and then just a few minutes ago on the phone I informed her that if she wanted to split the bills then we should split them all. She is not working right now but I know she stashed some money. She proceeded to tell me how "unfair this is".(I wanted to laugh) That I am not giving her time to find a job. And that she has been sick all week and wasn't able to look.

I told her I need some help because I have some upcoming bills I need to consider. ( Meaning Attorney fees) She pulled her head out of her A.. I mean fog long enough to start seeing that I am not going D without a fight.

She is more concerned about financial issues then the kids well being right now it seems. Told me that she asked S13 who he wanted to live with and he said me and proceeded to tell me she would take D5. This is rediculous. Really struggling to keep Plan A in effect with her when she does this stuff. Not sure how long I can keep it up.

I think I need to start looking at developing my Plan B. What do you think?

Thanks,
FT

One of your first actions to protect yourself from this should have been to remove at least half of the money from that joint account and stop contributing to it. You should seriously consider doing that now if you haven't done it already.

One of your first actions to protect yourself from this should have been to remove at least half of the money from that joint account and stop contributing to it. You should seriously consider doing that now if you haven't done it already. [/quote]

MIM,

I already opened another account. There are minimal funds in that account. We have some loans and bills that are auto drafted and money in there is to cover that. There was never an abundance of funds to begin with. We don't have a whole lot of outstading debt but we don't have much money either.

I am worried about how I am going to pay for an attorney. It will be a struggle paying monthly bills on just my salary.

Would you recommend that I conitnue to ask that she pay for half while she is still in the house? I know she is planning a move or possibly even trying to get me out. I think me letting her stay and contribute nothing is just supporting her financially so she can save up some money and bail on us.

She tells me that she doesn't have a job but she quit it knowing she had nothing lined up.

Having a rough time today. Went out and tried to do a little Christmas shopping and found myself getting angry and feeling quite a bit a resentment towards WW about the whole situation. Really trying to get my head straight as it is almost time to head home.

Well I think I did ok yesterday. We talked about splitting the bills again since WW is staying at the house. She proceeded to tell me how much she has done for me over the past 14+ years. "She can't understand why I can't support her now". I said I have no problem supporting my wife but I will not support her affair. She didn't have much to say after that.

I guess that was the right thing to say?

Sounds Ok to me. Plan A does not involve providing support for any of your W's activities that cause further damage to your M.

Thanks MIM, I was worried about it being a LB.

I am trying to Plan A as best I can. But she always steers any conversation towards D or arrangements leading to D or finances. I continue to tell her I will only talk about our marriage.

I always invite her to go with us when we go somewhere or do anything but she always declines. I am having no luck with the 15 hours.

Now it looks like she is heading out of the state for a couple of days again. Her dad is scheduled for a surgery. Of course this will also be her opportunity to see OM... Since he lives nearby.

Are you contributing financially in any way to that trip?

No, she has some money that she stashed away before she quit. I wasn't suppost to know about it. Plus she mentioned borrowing some money from her mom to finance the D.

WW left to go be with dad for his surgery yesterday. She never confirmed she was going so I wasn't sure, due to bad weather. I had a feeling she was going.

I had left her a note on the mirror she uses when putting on her face. Told her she was beautiful inside and out and I loved her. I don't tell her that directly any more. Other then when she ask me why I don't let go.

It seemed to have a pretty negative effect maybe it's a positive who knows but it's how I feel... She would not answer any of my calls yesterday and didn't even call us to let us know she made it safely. She finally TM'ed me this morning saying they are at hospital waiting for the Dr to let them know how it went. Still won't call me...

Sticking too my Plan A but it seems to be getting harder a lot faster then I thought. Not sure how long I can keep it up...

Got a TM from WW. Looks like there was not an actual surgery today... Now another test next week and "possible surgery" next week.

I am pretty sure this will be a weekend with OM as he is nearby where WW is now... Been doing some investigating and got on classmates.com for her HS and it appears OM recently registered there shows him as "new". Most likely where the contact started as WW was registered there for a while...

This really sucks!!! I have my kids with me which makes everything easier for me. But it still SUCKS!!!!

Only communication with WW yesterday was TM. She didn't even call the kids last night. I know my S really notices this even though he didn't say anything. It is so hard for me to understand how someone can do this to their family.

I have been working on my journal and will continue to Plan A. I am also looking for any recomendations on what I should be doing to win custody if it comes to that. Apparently she has second thoughts about giving me primary. Not that I want to think about D...

Thanks,

WW called yesterday while I was at a Christmas recital with the kids so I didn't answer. She ended up calling about 4 times while were there and left 2 messages for the kids to call her. On the last message she said "I love you, bye". I know it was a slip of the tongue and she didn't mean to say it but I can't help replaying the message. I have probably listened to it 6 times since last night. It's been so long since I have heard her say that...

I can't help but still hope that all this will work out. So onward back into Plan A. I know plan A has helped me feel better about myself and the decision I have made to do everything I can to keep my family together.

Well I wish I had some good news too report but... WW is still out of town. We called her on Saturday since she doesn't feel the need to call us. DD was looking for something and thought calling WW would help in finding it. WW seemed busy and only talked for a couple of minutes.

She called on Sunday from her mothers house. Apparently her Mom wanted to say hi to the kids or I don't think she would have called. Fog is still thick and forecast is calling for increasing fog...

I was able to talk to her for a few minutes and I was doing my best Plan A. I was trying to figure out when if ever she might be coming home. With the comments she makes I feel like I am talking to a love struck teenage daughter rather then a grown woman.

Sorry to vent here but it makes me feel better. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

FT,

I didn't see where you pursued exposing to all of OM's family. Did you and I missed it? That would include his GF or finacee, if he has one. Or wife. Or ex-wife.

Have you talked with WW about counseling? About her choice to have OM both in fantasy and now reality in your marriage so that you guys can't grow together, be intimate together?

Did you take FCF's advice and share with WW how you feel...about your short dream at work?

When WW speaks about her feelings...validate them. Say, "I hear you feel resentful, angry (listen to what she says) about others knowing the truth about your choices, is that correct?" Say it calmly, lovingly...you really are HEARING her, not judging her. You are repeating to confirm or clarify what she is saying.

Her stuff is hers...her thoughts, feelings, beliefs, perceptions and perspective...just hers. Not yours to change, control, cause or cure. Her ACTIONS are what you're addressing through exposure...do not slack on exposure. Don't allow anything to hinder it. That's informing the truth of her choices and actions, not her stuff.

Remember to choose your own stuff...especially your beliefs...wisely. Don't live in the future which you cannot predict...stay present. She is deep into fantasy and has been for many years. She DISTRACTS, soothes with false comfort, and steeps herself in resentment, which feeds her entitlement...which gives her a false confidence, false self-respect and esteem. It's a deadly shortcut. You're seeing toxic choices generate long-lasting consequences.

You didn't cause them. You can't control or cure her of them.

What you can do is bring reality, steep yourself in it, in the present, and act from love and respect. Solely your own choices...I see you as choosing brilliantly well.

Listen and repeat back. Do not allow her back into your marital home until she's done a NC letter, gone to MC with you. Until she chooses the marriage. She abandoned her family before and you allowed her to come back. This time, do not, 'k?

Plan A is respecting her choices by stating them...she is choosing to not contact her children. She is choosing to pursue another man while married. She hasn't filed for D; she hasn't worked out custody arrangements...stay in reality.

When you listen and repeat her comments, they stop getting to you...because you can better hear her stuff as hers...her truth is nowhere close to the truth, 'k?

Stop your DJs...assumptions about whys...mucks up you see the actual whats and wheres...'k? Your perception of her being a teenager is actually right on the money...A's are about acting from our inner little children, not our adult selves. Part of the fog and rampant permissions to destroy and say we are not doing so...remember this and DO NOT allow yourself to act from your inner child, 'k?

Her FOO (family of origin) is what her A is about...the coping skills she saw growing up, coming right back...don't do them yourself. Keep bringing reality, respectful of choices...insert those when you listen and repeat.

Exposing the A is crucial to bringing truth and reality. Kudos on all you're doing, especially separating your bank accounts...on the joint one, be sure to remove her access to it completely...I'm sure you're the primary on the bill-paying account...you can do this without her permission, I believe.

Breathe...watch where you focus (past or future) and soothe yourself in healthy ways...as you do being their for your children (you really rock)...practice your listen and repeat with them...so they feel heard, experience your respect.

I highly recommend a book from the library "Between Parent and Child" by Eincott...an old book (it's in the 18th reprint) from 1972...which really helped my Plan A, change my life, and give me a fresh relationship with my sons. And others. Even coworkers.

Don't let her stuff into your brain until your brain knows solidly it's her truth, not the truth, 'k? You're her real husband...you are her intimacy partner...her A, her running from her own stuff is only about her...not you, 'k? That's the cruelest DJ there is...to make her stuff about you...and it's alluring, too...for if you are the cause, you can be the cure...and you really do know you cannot. She chooses.

You choose.

You are equals, 'k? You really are...equally powerful and limited. Another support group for you would be Alanon...because you are married to an adult child of an alcoholic. The behaviors continue even if the drink doesn't. The meetings are free and you can look them up in your area. They have Alateen, as well, so you may find a meeting for both at the same time...great support for your kids, too.

Watch your resentments, as well...if you stack them up, they will cover over your loving feelings...can make the love bank seem in the red when it isn't. That's one of the steps of how your real wife became wayward. Gimble said...

An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.

You are doing a great job...stay the course...feed yourself and your ENs...with self-appreciation, acceptance, admiration, attention, and awareness, 'k?

LA

fasttrack, how's it going?

LA,

I want to thank you for your reply. There is so much to digest and I will try and respond to all but I am at work so I will do it slowly.

The exposing to OM family is something I have not done. I was, until last night, only going on my gut and my WW comments about her only "thinking" about OM. I still don't have a lot of information on him.

I feel like I veered off the Plan A path last night. My WW called last night to talk to my DD she had called my DS before I got home. I usually take the time to try and Plan A because she won't talk to me any other time. I ended up asking her what her intentions were and of course she said D. I began to put some pressure on her in regards to A. I was really trying to get some answers or her to admit something at this point. Of course she got angry and has finally admitted to A.

She ended up giving up a lot more info then I expected. I found out that my BIL parents are possibly OM "parents" I gathered they may have raised him? She also told me that they are in poor health and if I wanted to kill them I should go ahead and expose to them. One is in the hospital now. At this point I will lob the last few grenades. I am going to pick a day maybe tomorrow.

Thanks again LA! I still have more to say just need to get to work right now.

Thanks,
FT

Hi SD,

I thought I was doing really good. Last night was a big blow backwards and it was a restless night. I am kind of beating myself up. I really need to re-focus. Just struggling a little right now.

Thanks for your concern!
Take care,
FT