RIF-thanks for sharing your story.

I noticed your wife was very young when she first married you. You were probably her first man. Mine was 25 at the time of the first affair, and is now 28. This was definitely not "young age experimentation" on her part.

If I understood you correctly, your wife never left home, and never co-habited with other men. She was pretty much "done" with having affairs by her twenty-first birthday. You've had to deal primarily with the emotional aftermath/impact of the affairs, not the affairs themselves. Plus, your wife was diagnosed with a mental health issue that might have contributed to her behavior.

I also see the enormous stake you had in saving your family with 3 kids by the time affairs came to light.

If you don't mind, I have a couple of questions (forgive me if they are too probing),

Was your wife ever motivated by things like having a full-time career with up to 80% travel?

Did she ever allude to any desires to build a life with one of her lovers?

Did she have a complete and loving/nurturing nuclear family when she was growing up?

Thanks again,

Hi 1CG,

I don't mind answering your questions at all... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Was your wife ever motivated by things like having a full-time career with up to 80% travel?

Mrs. RIF “agreed” to stay home for a year after the birth of our daughter. Once the year was up, she wanted to start working. The “first” A was with a guy from her new job.

Did she ever allude to any desires to build a life with one of her lovers?


The A that I suspected and confronted was a long term EA/PA. During MC, Mrs. RIF confessed that the OM said that he was going to “take her away” from me, but that she enjoyed the attention but had no real desire to “run away” with this OM. OM was an enlisted soldier and was getting kicked out of the Army. I was an officer and had a stable career. (This was a huge blow to my ego, and it took some time for me to work through this issue.)

Did she have a complete and loving/nurturing nuclear family when she was growing up?

Yes. Mrs. RIF’s family was as “stable” as they come. Her dad was a deacon in the church; her mom was a stay-at-home mom and was always there for her. She was the youngest of three siblings and was spoiled rotten. In the end, her own desires are what caused her to stray. She was “brought up” better than that.

Our situations are different, but I hope that some of what I've shared with you is usefull...

Semper Fi,

RIF

RIF,

Thanks again. This is enormously useful for me.

Regards,

Glad I could help! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Have you guys seen the stats as to the amount of time it takes for an affair to crumble? I am wondering, is it an average of months or years?

Also, what's your take on re-marriage as a method to wipe the slate clean (and also as an opportunity to get a pre-nup in)?

Gosh, I've seen them, but don't remember. A certain percent end on D-day, then I think around 30% last less than 7 months, 30% less than a year, another 30% less than 2 years, and only a few percent that go over 2 years. I'll try to find them.

Really the quicker reality sets in, the quicker they end.

Hi 1CG,

I don't know the exact stats, but from what I've seen here on the MB boards, once a good exposure happens, it's usually a matter of months.

Rebuilding normally takes from 1.5 to 2 years.

I never divorced so I can't speak to your other question...


Hope you're doing well this evening!

Semper Fi,

RIF

Thanks, RIF.

Problem is, there's no sensible exposure plan I see. My wife has no living relatives that could provide appreciable pressure. Her friends are all supportive of her, and her work doesn't give a damn as long as she produces. OM is divorced.

I've been thinking about this for a bit, and am coming to understand my hesitation to drag this out. Deep down, I do not believe my wife will ever leave NYC, so that means I will have to move there, most likely without a job in hand. If she stays in New York, there will never be a guarantee of no contact with OM (he works in the financial district). Without a GREAT job in NYC, I am not confident I will outcompete a Wall Street investment banker type who has lots of resources to spend on his new woman.

I guess all of this boils down to how resources, leverage and energy required for the winning my wife back are balanced by my motivation and perception of value my wife would bring to the table. I think I could do all of the above if affairs were not part of the picture, and I was just courting her. The way things are, I could move out there if OM was killed in a car accident, or something drastic like that.

1CoolGuy,


How long do you think it would take this banker type to look for another woman to spend his resources on?

-LE

1coolguy,

I have been reading this thread but felt you were getting great advice and had little to contribute.

It might be true that I still have little to contribute, but I thought I might offer you some thoughts. Do you WANT to live in NYC? Are you OK with living in NYC?

Do you really think that a much older man will keep your 28 year old W happy, when there are "younger" men in NYC making buckets of money? Do you think it is possible that the OM might trade your W in for a "newer" model in a few years?

I think the odds are high that one or the other will "trade" in the latest model in a year or so. Perhaps sooner. Your W does not sound like much of a giver, and a man with power and influence really needs someone at his beck and call.

I would look at this as a lesson learned, and IF the OM dumps her or she dumps the OM you might consider taking her back. It will be your call. This whole situation is very complicated, but it is about to become simpler on Jan 8.

I am not sure what I would counsel. But with the multiple affairs, her thousands of miles from you, the OM breaking up his marriage to be with her (I suspect he will regret that, unless that marriage was also the product of an affair), and you not being able to easily find a job in NYC, I would show patience and restraint and let this play out while being in plan A.

YOU have decisions to make about your life and your goals. I think as you establish your profession AND your personal goals, you might come to the point where she is NOT the woman to assist you in meeting them. Time will tell.

God Bless,

JL

1coolguy - I am curious about something since your posts have alluded to it but have not directly stated anything, so forgive me if I am prying into areas you'd rather not talk about.

In your conversations with RIF you were talking about "factors" involved in recovering RIF's marriage, and one of those was a 'strong religious faith.'

So what I am curious about in your situation is whether or not you, and your wife, have a relationship with God as born again believers?

My wife and I did, and that, more than anything has been the primary motivating factor in her finally deciding to end her 6 year affair and for me to attempt to recover my marriage with her. Left to my own "resources" and to my own "feelings," we would not be married today (about 5.5 years after we began the process of recovering our marriage.

But I prefer not to discuss "religious" things with you unless you felt it was important and that it might help you in your situation.

God bless.

P.S. JL has made some good points, and has also accurately said that this is YOUR decision, as the Betrayed Spouses.

JL & ForeverHers, thanks for writing. Your advice is appreciated.

We were close friends with OM and his wife (now ex) for 5 years, I guess I will never know when she started to view him as a potential sexual partner. They do have similar temperaments, and seem to be quite compatible (I can name 2 or 3 shared ENs they probably meet very well right off the bat). Because we were in that "close friendship" relationship for a while, there's little she doesn't know about the guy. E.g., we've stayed at their house dozens of times, and now she'll be living there -- she knows their kitchen as well as ours. She IS comfortable in her new role.

What complicates the situation is the fact that all 4 of us (me, my wife, OM and his wife) come from the same culture outside the US, and that shared cultural aspect is a big part of our identities. For that reason alone, I do see OM wanting to hold on to her.

There isn't much of a Plan A right now. I am not welcome at her place in NYC, so I don't travel there anymore. We last saw each other in early October. We talk mainly about the logistics of shipping her stuff to NYC. She's not interested in talking about anything remotely connected to our marriage, and I don't see a way to change that.

ForeverHers, my wife and I are "nominal" Christians without the strong conviction of RIFs. I do come from a background of devout faith, which I failed to grow so it would fit my current outlook on life. I am no longer comfortable with my "old" devout ways. My wife is content with just wearing a crucifix, as far as I can see.

JL--

Didn't quite catch the significance of Jan 8 date in your post. Can you clarify?

Thanks

I don't know, 1coolguy. I'm sure the affair will end because it started out so badly. The one thing the affairees know about each other is that the other one is a cheater.

I suggest you stick with Plan A, get a GREAT SETTLEMENT quickly, and then take your time looking around for another wife. The affair may end, and she may be back begging you for another chance.

1coolguy - well, as you probably already know, there is no such thing as a "nominal" Christian. There can be people who say they are a Christian, but without the true acceptance of Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior. "Saying" someone is a believer is not what "makes" someone a believer, and certainly your wife's actions belie the crucifix she is wearing and makes a mockery of what the crucifix stands for.




I really can't speak to this issue, since I have no understanding of what "culture" you are referring to.

It IS interesting, however, that if you were "close friends" with the OM and his wife, and he "just happens" to be living in the very city your wife felt "compelled" to go to for a job, that the affair predates the move by a long time.

Not at all sure what your "culture" thinks about adultery though. I would venture guess that it might not think too highly about it, but then people in affairs are very selfish and not really concerned about what "others" might think, only about what they "want."

Your own walk with the Lord, however, is something that you do need to think about, despite what your wife is putting you through. It may well be that your "current outlook on life" is a bit deficient and may need to be reevaluated with respect to what God "expects" from all who claim to know Christ.

God bless.

Believer,

Thanks for writing. My strategy is very close to what you're suggesting. I think I want to see this marriage end in the legal sense, mainly because of the opportunity to walk away financially whole. Also, if she's back and I decide, for whatever reason, to consider taking her back, I will need a clean start and a pre-nup that would reflect POJA. Also, I do not see myself being able to look for another wife while staying "technically married".

ForeverHers,

Thanks for writing. Appreciate your points.

Because of the various technical methods employed by the PI I used, I have a good fix on when the relationship got off the friendship track. It's amazing how many things these guys were able to track.

However, the job move was quite legit. She's now making twice as much money she did a year ago. She has strong ENs in respect to her being a professional woman and an independent moneymaker. Living in our current home state did not provide the professional opportunities she needed, and, unfortunately, I ignored that to my own detriment.

Unexpectedly, I received a phone call from my wife in response to an email requesting her to mail house and car keys back. This time she wanted to talk about "the relationship." Among other things she asked as to whether I saw reconciliation as a possibility. Although I was mentally going "are you kidding?", I gave her my best Plan A speech covering breaking off the affair, no contact, marital counseling, ENs, etc. She asked me whether I'd still plan on moving to New York as discussed originally. I said I no longer saw this as a possibility because of OM working a mile from her office and the issue this would create with NC. She stated she didn't see herself moving back to my home state with its dismal career opportunities, but wanted to continue the conversation because the divorce was a serious decision, I was a good man, and that she didn't want to ruin anybody's life.

I don't know whether this call was brought about by holiday remorse, the affair starting to go downhill, or a simple realization that the 60 day cooling-off period was running out and the big D was happening in Jan. However, your advice is welcome, as always. What should be my next step? I plan on continuing to talk to her, but not stopping the D process.

It won't hurt to continue talking to her. You always want to be able to look back without regrets. And you will need to decide if you would ever move to NYC. Sounds like that is where she is happiest. But I would never move to make her happy. BOTH people need to be happy in the marriage. And it sounds like she doesn't do well on her own.

So you have some thinking to do.