Hi - my counselor gave this sheet to me when I first found out about the A. It's been helpful to look at sometimes, and so I thought I might share it.
She said that at first one skips around, back and forth through the early stages, but after awhile and toward the end process more steadily and predictably through them..

1. State of Shock
2. Unbelief (that this is really happening)
3. Express Emotion (tears, anger, rage, confrontational attacks)
4. Deep Hurt
5. State of Helplessness with Panic Attacks
6. Grieving begins
7. May feel sense of guilt
8. Resentment begins to mount
9. Fear of abandonment
10. Shame at this being exposed to others
11. Appeasement attempts
12. The Process of Letting Go begins in earnest
13. Sorrow and Tears Stage
14. Reality Sets in and Hits Hard
15. Loss is deeply felt at this level. The Intense emotions are more subdued.
16. Inner Strength begins to slowly build.
17. Acceptance Stage
Acceptance to things that cannot be changed and life goes on.
It is at this stage that a person makes an inner choice to become
either a bitter or better person. Having gone through the pain of
betrayal, either forgiveness or hate will rule the thought life.

Good post. I went through the unbelief stage for what seemed like months and months. I walked around like a zombie, thinking it couldn't be true.

That's a great post, phoenix, thanks so much for posting it. Did you know that Dr. Harley likens the trauma of adultery to that of rape or the death of a child? Here is his video where he speaks about that: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Great post!

My WXH had a LOT of baggage from his past: his mother dumped his father for OM, then she decided her kids from first marriage should pretend their biological father never existed and did not allow any contact between them and their father, then she didn't speak up when they were abused by their step-father, then my WXH was shot by his best friend, then his first wife divorced him after one year of marriage (THIS he deserved BTW)... then he never dealt with any of those things from his past. Instead he chose to take all his feelings of 'hate' about that stuff out on me. He never could bring himself to confront the people from his past who hurt him, or to even admit that they did hurt him. Instead he tried to oint out any and all minor flaws in me and react to them as if he had been grievously wronged; my mere mortalness was somehow a personal affense against him...

Oh, BTW the OW dumping him for an OM is all my fault too... just another thing in his list of reasons to "remind" himeself "to keep hating" me...

"Acceptance to things that cannot be changed and life goes on.
It is at this stage that a person makes an inner choice to become
either a bitter or better person. Having gone through the pain of
betrayal, either forgiveness or hate will rule the thought life."

I'm doing #'s 1-8 simultaneously.

It's just lately that I'm beginning to believe when my friends say his drama is not your fault.