OK-- so I'm gonna be packing up for the day here soon...

Here's my plans for the evening:

Stop and get a card and balloon or something along those lines on the way home since hubby's foot hurts. Go to dinner at one of his favorite places. Then, go browse shops and get some coffee, until the comedy club at 10. Then home, and maybe if all goes well a little SF.

I'll probably check in tomorrow, let you know how it went (unless it goes horrendous, then I'll be back tonight!). TMTS-- GOOD LUCK!!! You'll do great!

RIM

You forgot about putting on your sexiest outfit and the glamourized make up and hair...

I'm outa here, have a wonderful night and I hope we don't link up on here until tomorrow. Good luck to you too.

Oh you better believe it!! Hair, makeup, nice outfit that's sexy, but not too revealing.. THE WORKS!

OK-- I'm out! Good luck, talk to everyone tomorrow!

RIM

Our date night last night went better than I could have even expected!!

So, hubby had a toe nail that was infected on his big toe removed yesterday. So, our date night needed to be something where he could sit a lot because his foot really hurt. I used his hurting foot to be EXTRA caring and concerned, asking a lot if he was OK, walking slow with him, helping him wrap it before we left, etc.

So, we went to dinner at one of his favorite places. I didn't tell him where we were going or what we were doing for the evening at all. I just told him to be ready at 630. We went to dinner, which went really well. And then we had about an hour before I had tickets for the comedy club. We went to Barnes and Noble, got some coffee and browsed some books together. He couldn't walk much, so I got him book while he sat. That went really well. Then we went to the comedy club. Well, the show was someone we had never heard of before... and was EXCELLENT. He was hilarious! Hubby really enjoyed the show a lot-- said it was one of the best comedy shows he's ever seen. It wasn't that crowded either, which was nice. Afterwards, I bought him a T-shirt from the comedian that has a funny little pun on it. After the comedy show was over, we went across the street to a microbrewery. We split their "sampler" (you get a little bit of each one of their microbrews), and then we picked our favorite. We were sitting there talking, laughing, and having a good time-- when the comedian we had just seen walked in and sat down with us and started talking with us. So, we talked with him for about a half hour.

We got home at like 1 am. It really was a great night. We had a little SF, and then went to sleep, snuggled all night. This morning I helped him wrap his toe up again, and now I am going to go to the gym (he can't go because of his toe), and go grocery shopping, and then we are going to get something for dinner and go to the mall to return a Christmas gift....

He also said while we were at the mall that he wanted to get the NEW wedding band I gave him on New Years resized so it fit him. The deal was that he was supposed to wear in on this chain around his neck until he was ready to wear it on his hand, which would symbolize his re-commitment to our marriage. I just said OK very neutrally, and I'm not sure if that means anything... no expectations, right?? Later tonight we are just going to watch the football games, and we both have a little work that we need to get done for work, so we'll just spend a quiet night at home.

So this is when "no expectations" is hard for me... once we've had a good night and it seems like we are making progress. Then expectations start to creep in... so I'm trying really hard to keep them out.

That was my night!

RIM

RIM!!!!

This is awesome! Remember that you were the WS, so the dynamics of what you're looking for is different. HE WANTS THE RING SIZED??? SF, Cuddle all night. Look it sounds like your H is just scared to get his heart broken again. Read him some of the posts from here, pick stuff that you have see him struggle with to show him that he can get some support and get some of his fears out in the open without needing to make it a confrontation. See what he says. Have him read my stuff if he's open to it, maybe he'll understand that many of us dream to be in the position he's in. Then you guys can slowly work in the MB principals so that it doesn't even happen again.

Expectations! You’re beyond expectations now, sounds like he's coming around. Be there for him like you been, keep showing him how much you love him. Don't forget the roller coaster though and be aware that he might get down.

You're doing awesome, and I can only hope to be in a similar situation one day.

OK-- so the rest of the day has been EXCELLENT. I feel like this is a dream?!?! Someone PINCH ME?!!?

So, I went to the gym and then went to the grocery store. I texted him when I left the gym to go to the grocery store (I've been telling him my every move recently, so there's no questions...)... and I got a text while I was at the store that said "you looked gorgeous last night baby". I texted back "thank you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
*blushing*". And then later on, while I was at the store he texted me "I miss you!". Whoa!!! I was totally floored. He hasn't said and done things like that since this summer!

So, I came home and took a shower, he brought me a drink while I was in the shower-- which was sweet of him. Then we went to dinner, and he was being really sweet while we were at dinner, opening my car door for me, etc. Things he hasn't done since we dated a long time ago! We went to the mall after dinner, and he turned his ring in to get re-sized!!! Ahhh!!! I didn't ask him what that "meant". I didn't want to bring down the mood. I just let it go!

We just got home a bit ago, and he's been being super sweet to me. Making me a drink, giving me little kisses... WHOA!! Oh yeah, and he mentioned to me that he "bought me a present online today, and it should be at the house sometime this week" AHHH!!

And, he sent an email to his boss to ask for the time off for the snowboarding trip to VT too.... and cc'ed me on the email. And I haven't even BROUGHT the trip up again...

I am totally floored. This is my hubby that I haven't seen in AT LEAST 6 MONTHS, if not even longer. I'm not sure where the heck this came from, but I'm not complaining.

TMTS-- building a gingerbread house, that's GREAT! That's such a cute activity to do together. I really hope she hasn't had contact with OM. I'm so glad your weekend is going well too!!!!

Yay!! I'm on cloud nine!

RIM

Hi RIM,

That house and table ended up a complete mess and so did we, but it was fun to build and eat. WW didn’t participate much just kind of hovered, so I just went ahead and focused on the kids. She's over at the neighbors now helping her get her little guys stuff back.

It sounds like he might be coming around. Great stuff.
Ride this high as long as you can, but please prep yourself mentally for some pulling back. He is still a manly man after all and we all will tend to pull back a little after getting this close. If he does go back to what you were doing and let him come back, because he will. Look if he was really serious about calling it quits he would have, so it looks like you guys are in good shape.

Please try to show him stuff from here, I think it would benefit him to get perspective from others that are going through the same types of feelings.

Also get the 5 love languages! This book is what first opened my eyes. It's and easy read and is written in a way that makes so much sense, than you introduce MB principals because they take the same concept but expand it.

I am so happy for you!!!

If he knows you post here, tall him that he's got a fan here that would love to chat with him.

Glad your night went well TMTS-- I'm gonna try to get hubby to at least read here later tonight. We are watching football now and cuddling on the couch (I was taking a quick bathroom break and checked in here). I'll let you know how it goes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hope the rest of your night goes well!!

RIM

RIM, What ever you do don't push it. Make a little comment about it and see if he shows interest, If not let it go.

Baby steps at this point. It looks like he's starting to see that the future is not so bleak, and you don't want to take any backwards steps now.

Same goes with talking about the past, if he asks anything make sure you keep you answers about how you feel and not what he may or may not have done.

I'm so happy for you!!! Could you send some telepathic signal to my WW, I only wish she would want to do half as much as you are to save your M.

So far so good today! Got up, and he went with me to work really fast, as I had to check in for a half hour there. I've been taking him with me recently, so there's no questions at all-- since my OM was someone I worked with (he since left, so I don't work with him anymore).

Now, I am going to go for a run with my dog, and he's watching football. We are going to make some food and just have a lazy day around here. So far, so good!

I didn't bring up the posts here yet. I figure maybe I'll do it a little later on today, just bring it up in passing and if he doesn't show interest I'll just drop it.

I haven't had, or even brought up any R talks at all. I figure he knows what I want.,, I've told him over and over! And if he wants to talk about it, he can bring it up. For now, I'm just letting it go.

I'm just hoping when we go back to work this week that this keeps up. (is hoping having expectations??). Usually our weekends are OK, but then when the work week (and his stress) starts and we are 'separated' again and not spending all of our time together, his negative feelings return.

Although, I really feel like we turned another corner this weekend. I really do!

Still... no expectations, right??

RIM

Hi Rim,

Thanks for the encouraging post on my thread. (I'm not doing so well right now, so I'll read it again tomorrow)

Try to stay connected with him during the day. Show him you're thinking of him.

You're doing great!

Hi RIM,

How are things at your end? How your hubby doing (How's his toe). Tell him he's got a supporter out here. I know he's knows that you've been talking about his temper. Tell him he's got someone here that can relate. My fuse was pretty short too, more with the kids though. So maybe with a little caring and a few 2x4's might help him get a better grip on than.

Here we go again.... things going downhill... I stayed strong though. He's going to poker, I'm going to class soon. I'm supposed to meet him at home afterwards. He says he's angry at me because it took me so long to get to this point. And again, he keeps saying he doesn't know if he wants this marriage anymore, etc etc. Sigh. I kept strong. It was all online (it ALWAYS is, drives me INSANE we can't talk about this stuff in person)... and now he's ignorning my text messages. I sent him a simple cheerful text about how I missed him and looked forward to seeing him tonight. He didn't answer (shocker).

I have a feeling he won't come home and he'll go out drinking after poker (what he usually does when he's upset). Sigh. He'll come up with an excuse, and he's got a friend in town, so I'll bet that that's what he'll do rather than coming home.

He says "he knows we could make our marraige better if we both try" he just doesn't know if he wants it. Sigh. And then on top of that, keeps saying he doesn't trust I won't do it to him again-- that people say once a cheater, always a cheater. I said, that is true in SOME CASES, but not all! And plus, he has a lot of balls saying that since HE'S HAD THREE EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS!!! THREEE!!!!! Plus, I know he had a few with his long term girlfriend prior to me also-- because I was his friend I knew they were going on. Its like he just wants to bail when things get rough with whoever rather than fixing hte problems.

So-- we'll see how tonight goes. I'm going to the gymm after class to run off some steam.

RIM

Geez RIM if you could only change places with my husband. He is the WS and i would love for him to come around and try and work on our marriage. I would do ANYTHING for that to happen as it is i have husband who again is running from his problems instead of trying to fix them. It's hard and it hurts.

Keep going with it i'm sure he will come around.... i am praying for you

Hi RIM,
Last weekend it was anger, now it looks like he's playing games with you... or are you over-reacting? What's going on dear? You're scaring us here. I hope he wasn't getting mad while this was going on.

Let us know that you're ok...

RIM - You alright?

This all happened on instant messenger, like it always does. He left and went to his poker night, and I'm getting ready to go to the gym. He sent me one text that just said "your present came" (remember the present from this weekend??). I texted back "yay!" and then called him when I got done with class. No answer. this is all pretty much standard operations for him.

I don't think I am overreacting. He actually had the balls to tell me that he knows he did everything he could before and during my A. I almost jumped on that one, but I didn't. There were SO MANY THINGS he did wrong, it is ridiculous. You know how you are supposed to discover the unfufilled ENs and then learn to meet them!?!? AO ALL OVER THE PLACE, ALL THE TIME. Before, during, after. Never really stopped. And the only ways to deal with the anger-- either wall it all up or explode. I have only seen maybe once or twice, in the 10 years I've known him... for him to deal with it ANY other way. He either just shuts down and walls it all up, or explodes. Also, he has a lying problem. He's always been a "lie to cover my [censored]" kinda person. I caught him lying even BEFORE we got married about going to lunch with other girls, etc. Not to mention, he NEVER MENTIONED his two EAs until AFTER I told him about mine (and yes, I told him. He did not have to find out on his own. He didn't even question me. I just sat down and said "we have to talk"-- and told him). The lying CONTINUED during the A. Not even just about his A-- but sometimes about where he was, what he was doing, etc. I just couldn't believe he had the BALLS to say that he "did everything he could". WTF?!?! OOOOHHHH... I was SOO MAD. It was probably better off we were on IM because i was about ready to STRANGLE HIM for that one. Yes, he stepped up, BUT TO THIS DATE, HE HAS NOT STEPPED UP IN THE WAYS THAT ARE MOST IMPORTANT TO ME. And I'm trying very hard to do that for him.. but its hard when he acts so immature sometimes. That is what it is... it is not even that he's upset and angry... he deals with it VERY immaturely.

I'd say angry outbursts and lying are my two major concerns. He "leaves out" things he knows will make me angry, and lies about other things-- sometimes even about really dumb things, like where he got a tie. How am I supposed to believe more important things that come out of his mouth if he lies to me about WHERE HE GOT A TIE?!?

I am tired of the games. I am really tired of them.

I'm really frustrated right now. REALLY FRUSTRATED. I'm going to go to the gym, and then go home. Maybe its good he's going to poker tonight. Because right now I'm about ready to lose my cool with him. He just makes NO SENSE! NO SENSE! And what pisses me off more than anything is his assertion that "he did everything he could" to save this. Well, before I even left the house, I caught him lying to me about where he was one night (this was apparently when he was trying "so hard" to get me to stay..) He was at the strip club, and he lied to me about where he was. I asked him, he lied. I found out myself (by accident, actually) where he actually was, asked him innocently again, just to give him a chance to tell the truth. HE LIED AGAIN! This is "while he's trying to keep me there". Oh-- and he was shopping around on yahoo personals BEFORE I EVEN LEFT THE HOUSE... and put a profile up (saying he was single!!) THE DAY I LEFT THE HOUSE. THE DAY! That was how he met OW. Does this sound like someone that was TRYING SO HARD to you?? Oh yeah-- and all the nights, I called him, asked him to come over, told him I wanted to see him-- and he said NO! NO!! Now, I ask you TMTS-- if your WW called you and said she needed you, wanted to see you, missed you, loved you, and essentially BEGGED you to come over..... would you say NO?!?!? Would you turn your phone off and ignore her??!?!?

Oh-- and I finally figured out what that weird number was. It was nothing, just a service call for his car from the company-- or a reminder for it. So freakout for not.

Sometimes I wonder why I came home at all. He says over and over he's changed... that he's different. I don't see it. He's still a workaholic that is manipulative and doesn't really care much about my hurt, or me in general. He still drinks an awful lot, and that drinking brings out a mean streak sometimes. He doesn't listen to me or what I need. He's still very self absorbed and self righteous. And blames everyone else for his own problems. He still abandons me left and right. The only difference is he's even QUICKER to anger, as far as I can see.

He keeps saying his love for me is different now (very similar to ILYBINILWY). That he doesn't trust I won't do it again. That makes NO SENSE to me either. You know why?!??! Geez.. I CAN USE THAT SAME ARGUMENT ON HIM!! I'm so tired of the double standards. So tired of him justifying all the damage he's done to this relationship-- and refusing to take responsibility for his role in all of this. I honestly believed him... even though I was so scared he hadn't really changed... I believed him. Now I'm just staring to think I was STUPID.

If your WW comes home... don't let your resentment of what happened get in the way. Please. The resentment is ruining our marriage.... but he refuses to do anything about it.

I suggested counseling with the Harley's.. just to get a game plan. He said no.

Oh-- and he's still in the process of interviewing with a company all the way across the country. So he can move away with out me.

WHY DID I COME HOME AT ALL?!?!?!??!? Why??? to be PUNISHED?!?!?

Really frustrated. I need a 2x4 and a hug right now. I just don't get why we have to play these f*ing GAMES. Why we can't deal with this maturely. He says "he can't" and "he won't" until he "figures out what he wants". So we are just going to live in limbo and be tortured??!?!?

I'm thinking more and more that now HE'S just having his cake and eating it too. He enjoys these mind games, and he enjoys the "power".

I bought plane tickets for us for VT today....

I just don't understand why it has to be this way... when I do everything right, EVERYTHING... I stuck to the plan TO A F'ING T today... to a T... and yet he STILL acts like an immature baby. I guess expecting him to act like an adult would be just that though... EXPECTATIONS.

He says that he just doesn't know if this is what he wants, but he knows that we could make it better. WTF?? So-- if we could make it better-- why would you even WANT to "see what else is out there"??? That is what I don't get. I don't understand that. I never thought in my head "hey, we CAN make this better, but I just want to see what else is out there...". My only thoughts were that we COULDN'T make it better. And maybe I was right... He says he doesn't trust my changes in myself... and I understand that. I didn't trust his. And apparently I had a reason to!

Well, he just texted me that he was on his way to poker now. And I called him (all cheery, of course, f'ing plan A....) and said that I was going to wait for him to come home to open my present that he ordered me this weekend. He sounded just fine on the phone. Said he's see me at the house later tonight, around 10. Said he'd call if he was running late. WTF?!??! I don't get the mood swings. And its fine if he has mood swings, but the way he deals with them SUCKS. But he thinks he doesn't need help. He's in denial.

He's in total denial.

I need to go to the gym.

2x4 and some hugs solicited and appreciated right now.

I feel like you guys are all I have. All of my good friends have moved out of the area... and the ones I made during my A I no longer talk to because they were enablers, and are friends of OM and it isn't right. I'm so alone....

RIM

{{{{{{{{{RIM}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{{{RIM}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{{{RIM}}}}}}}}}

You’re not alone so long as you check in with us. I can't 2x4 anyone that I respect so much for one coming out of the fog, having faith that he could change, sticking with it through the resentment and AOs. You’re a star in my eye!



Not unless I knew that she was cake eating. If I knew that the A was over, I'd be over there, no question.



If I should be so lucky, I will do all I can to push it aside. You'll keep me in check right?

I really feel for you. You're trying so hard to make this work.

Why did he want you to come back? That's the question you need to answer for yourself. Is it because he loved you or because he sees you as a trophy he lost and wants to win back? (Sorry, I know that's not an easy one).

How would he respond to you sitting down and telling him what you said here in a calm manner? Would he loose it or actually listen and engage? Do you know of any way to bring up these issues?

Now look back at your reaction to his EAs. Did you react in a similar way and he getting back at you?

All this being said your plan a seems to be solid, but should he not be in some sort of plan a as well?

I'll be around for a while (I'm re-formatting my home computer). So check in latter please, and try not to get into it with him.

Take care.

OK-- so our deal was when I called him that we'd meet at the house at 10 pm. So, I leave the gym (close to our house) at 9:50. And I'm in an OK mood. Better.

Well-- he said he'd call me if he was going to be later than ten. So I text him when I'm leaving the gym... "leaving gym now... where are you?". He doesn't answer... so, I figured he's driving home. Well, I get here, at 10:05-- and he's not here. Still, I don't panic... its only 5 minutes, right?? Well, I get inside, let the dog out... its 10:10... and he texts me "at poker". Which is over a half hour from our house. WTF?

So-- I call him. He's all apologetic... "oh I didn't realize it was after 10". Perfectly plausible... EXCEPT... that's the excuse he uses ALL THE TIME. I don't buy it anymore. He loses track of time an awful lot. Then he proceeds to tell me he's going to stay out and get a drink with his buddies (told you!!). He says he'll leave the bar by 10:30. Its 10:14 at this point. He's not even AT the bar yet. Yeah right. So, I tell him this, and say I wish you would have told me you were going to be late, I would have stayed at the gym longer (true...). He says he'll leave by 10:35, and CALL WHEN HE LEAVES. I don't believe him.

But-- it gets better. I need advice on this NOW. RIGHT NOW, BEFORE HE GETS HOME. So-- he's had trouble with alcohol in the past. We know this. And his "friend" who happens to be his podiatrist, thinks he's all cute and gives him vicodin every time he goes in to get something done. Nice friend, eh? Except that is the LAST thing he needs. And he gives him a ton. I made him dump one down the toilet the last time... and he did... when he was "trying". He refused at first, and then when I threatened him, he flushed them. He was also taking several of mine (I had them prescribed for me in August when I broke both bones in my forearm and one was completely dislocated... hurt really bad... playing softball... legitmately needed vicodin...) and stealing them from me back in August/September

Well-- long story short, this time, when he comes home, I ask him about pain medicine. He claims he told the doctor he didn't want any. LIES! Tonight, I find the bottle, with 11 (yes, ELEVEN, SINCE FRIDAY!!) pills missing form the bottle. He lied to me. They were prescribed... and he picked them up... on Friday. That means all of Friday night and probably Saturday was a sham. He was high. On vicodin.

I'm heart broken. He doesn't know I know. And I don't even believe he'll leave the bar at 10:35. That means I have until about 11 pm to figure out what to do now.

I NEED HELP NOW. What do I do about this vicodin and the lying??

PLease help me.

RIM

If he's been drinking tonight (and possibly taking Vicodin on top of that) I say don't confront him tonight. You can't argue with a drunk. Wait until tomorrow when things are calmer and you've had time to sleep on it. You really do need to talk honestly to him though. He sounds like a wayward to me. I dunno. Either that or he's taking what you did and using it against you in the worst way. Either he wants to recover or he doesn't. But tonight's not the time to find out.