RIM

I read your post on the other thread.

SLOW DOWN-everything is not going to be solved in one day one week or one year. NO one event will make everything alright.

Not trying to bum u out but just as MB"s is a process so is dealing with active a/cd issues.

Try Al-Anon for at least six consecutive regualar meetings and see if anything changes within you.

My family has alcoholism problems and my W and I are at different levels of recovery.
Even with abstinance M recovery according to DR Harley-"only becomes possible". The LB's created by the "ism" can linger on for a long time depending on how each person deals with it or works their own recovery program.

I wish you the best and will pray for you and your H.

I will also try to keep up on your posts.

ML has far more experience on this board than I but I just want you to know I know where your commin from

Chris

Hi RIM, I have read a couple of your posts, most especially the one where you describe your H's drinking pattern. He does sound like someone who has an addiction to me. The definition of an alcoholic is not how much or how OFTEN, but in what HAPPENS when they do drink. Many are very functional [we have a high tolerance] but our personality changes when we do drink. Most of the ppl who show up at AA fit the description you gave.

What does your H say about his drinking? I wouldn't expect him to admit he has a problem but a few signs will be a) lying about how much, b) resistance to stopping, etc. In your description you said that he needs alcohol in order to face life. That is a classic sign of alcoholism.

If he is an alcoholic, which I think he is, then Plan A would be harmful to him and you. It is impossible to meet the needs of an alcoholic and the A just uses such overtures to further EXPLOIT the BS. Plan A is nothing more than ENABLING the A.

Dr. Harley has suggested Plan B instead when the situation is very abusive. You might want to consider that if his drinking gets much worse. In the meantime, I would strongly suggest getting to Alanon meetings. They will give you great guidance.

And also be sure and post here so we can help you separate the bullcrap from the real deal. If your H is like the typical alcoholic, then he is a master manipulator.

RIM
Dr Harley wrote
When an alcoholic is married to a loving and caring spouse, the spouse's love and care is sucked in like a black hole. It drains the caring spouse of everything they have, leaving him or her not only exhausted, but also having failed to meet their sick spouse's needs. In these cases, the non-alcoholic spouse must emotionally detach themselves or becomes emotionally destroyed.


Al-Anon will help specifically with your ability to detach emotionally.
EDITED
After posting this I went back and read some of your other posts.
Just about everyone has said GO TO AL-Anon


WHAT DO YOU THINK THERE TRYIN TO TELL YA????

Chris

Hi everyone--

Thanks for the help and support. H is still in complete denial that there even IS a problem... so this is going to be an uphill battle. I think I was in denial for a long time that there was a problem too... way before my A even started...

I guess maybe I thought of someone with a problem as someone that drinks themselves into oblivion consistently... which is not really him. And I think that is why HE thinks he doesn't have a problem. Although.... awhile ago he DID mention to his mother that he thought he had a problem with alcohol. And he did mention to me that he thought he drank too much when he was out of town all that time in the beginning of our marriage too. So-- at least those thoughts are floating around in his head (or they were-- I think the denial has gotten deeper now though because he truly believes that he's "entitled" to drink now because of what he's gone through. Yes, I realize how much I made this worse!). His issues also seem to come and go. I really thought we were on the road to healing until this whole vicodin thing (which he seems to think is no big deal). And yes, Mel, he's VERY manipulative-- and a habitual liar, not just about drinking but about a lot of things.

TMTS-- I am in a better mood today. I'm just going with the flow at this point. I am excited for date night tonight, yes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And yes, I wish I could beat into your wife what I now know, and vice versa. Kinda funny how that works, eh? I am just taking things one day at a time.

I guess where I am struggling is I feel like I am fighting two demons at once... and I sort of have to do two different things to fight those demons. To fight for my marriage, I am supposed to make myself the ideal wife, and try very hard to meet his ENs, etc etc... (plan A). But, the alcoholism means that this is ineffective and I should detach. So I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place! If I plan A, I'm enabling the alcoholism. If I set boundaries and detach, I am very likely to lose my marriage because he's teetering on the edge of leaving anyways. Maybe I'm just misunderstanding the boundaries-- I'm just unclear on how I should approach this. I would think that the alcoholism needs to be addressed for the R to be addressed.... but, he's kinda forcing it to be the other way around at this point!

I get it, I get it. Gonna go to ala-non. I'll look up the meetings in my city. If anything, I don't want to be an enabler anymore. I think he realized before there might be a problem... but now after everything has transpired it has just sort of given him an "excuse" in his head to make it "ok" to drink. He's often said to me that "normal people would respond to all of this the way that he is", and that "having a drink or two helps him deal with it".

Also-- he's not the kinda person that can go somewhere and have a drink. Once that waterfall starts, it is hard to stop. But the really hard thing is... no one else sees this BUT ME. He goes out, has drinks with his buddies, and he's all cheery and happy and life of the party. The he gets home and screams at me for no reason whatsoever (he actually screamed at me over a dirty pot and punched a wall and broke his hand before my A. Over a dirty pot!! Oh, and once over an alarm clock too. This was all pre- my A). So, no one else sees the problem, INCLUDING his family. His mom has made the comment to me that when he drinks she doesn't see him being mean etc. (her father was an alcoholic-- a mean one she was estranged from)-- so she doesn't think he has a problem. I'm fighting an uphill battle tho, because no one else sees this. Oh-- and several of his friends have mentioned to me (and to him, but in a joking tone) that he drives a lot when he shouldn't. When I asked him about this, he just said in so many words he doesn't care if he gets a DUI and that he essentially thinks he's above the law and won't ever get one (that he's "smart" about his drinking and driving-- not meaning he doesn't drink and drive, just meaning that he thinks he can't get caught). And, in his profession, he gets a DUI, he loses his license, and essentially his career is COOKED. Doesn't seem to matter to him...

I'm taking it day by day at this point. Last night was fine, he made dinner, we had dinner, he worked for a bit, and then we watched some TV and went to bed with a little SF. Like nothing was wrong at all. I am getting good at my poker face, I'll tell you that. He has no clue what is going on inside of me anymore... I have gotten so good at controlling myself and my emotions...

So, date night tonight. We are going to meet at the gym after work (a little RC) and then go home and get ready. The only thing I know is that we are going to dinner for sure (I dont know where), and that there's SOMETHING afterwards. He said "nothing special". Maybe a movie or something. We'll see. Its a surprise.

RIM

Post deleted by nesre

deleted by RIM

Post deleted by nesre

Hi RIM,

Well....how'd it go?

Hey TMTS--

Date night last night was OK. We went to the gym after dinner, and then came home and took a shower. I got all goddess-ed up... (even more so than last week!) and he didn't say a word about it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

We went to dinner at a microbrewery in our town, and then went to the movies to see "Cloverfield". We both HATED the movie. It was quite possibly the worst movie either of us had ever seen. Oh-- and if you get motion sick, this is NOT the movie for you-- I had to keep closing my eyes because I was getting nauseous.

Anyways, it was an OK night. Nothing special, not like last week-- but nothing to complain about (other than he didn't even NOTICE my godessness!).

This morning he tried to bait me into another argument. He got all pissy and started yelling at me about something stupid. He was really pissy for awhile (he was overreacting, big time...) but then later on when we got lunch, he apologized to me for being an a**. I kept calm, but I did end up having to "talk him down" again. I really really need to break that habit and start letting him just sink his own f'ing ship. He got all pissy while we were in the car because he assumed I was making some sort of side comment about something (I really wasn't) and flipped out. I kept calm, and even APOLOGIZED for the comment, even though I didn't mean it how he took it. He kept the argument going and was just all around overreacting and being an a**. He actually turned the car around and said we were just going home, he didn't want to go out anymore (we were going to the mall to pick up his ring--which they re-sized too big and we had to send back again-- and get some lunch). We got all the way home, and when we were in the drive way, I calmly told him that I would still really like to go out and go to the mall, and that I still wanted to get lunch, and that I was sorry (again... sigh... meanwhile he's yelling at me and hasn't apologized at all for that... no expectations, right?). And asked him could we please still go together. He says "FINE" (more like barks it) and pulls out of the driveway all pissy. WTF.

I need to get better at letting him have his hissy fits and just letting it go. I should have let him turn the car around and go home and just went myself. Oh well-- he wants to be an a**-- then let him!! But I fall into old patterns, and again I end up "begging" and being the one to "rescue" him and being the one to reach out and offer the olive branch, all while he's being a jerk.

And at the end, I always end up feeling drained and resentful. That is why I need to stop. Because I was drained and resentful until he offered an apology at the restaurant (which was quite awhile after this incident). But even then, he REALLY doesn't see what all these AO-- and refusals to recognize my feelings once he's angry-- does to me. He just doesn't get it. This is how its always been, and I'm really starting to lose faith it will ever change.

Right now, he's doing work (again...) on his computer. He's been working a ton recently with this stupid client he's working on. I'm just watching TV with the dog on the couch and reading a little on MB. Next week he's gotta work 12 hour days all week, so he's going to be cranky as ******. This will be FUN!

I'm bad at the not begging and pleading part of plan A... really bad. I am an enabler of bad behavior. I'm slowly realizing this. And everytime this happens, I promise myself I'm gonna let him sink his own ship next time... and I still haven't done that yet!

So-- I guess nothing different than normal.

No problems with alcohol at all. I don't think he's drank at all since Wednesday. I wonder if he's still reading my thread here... (he claims he found it, and read it awhile ago... whether or not he actaully DID and whether not he's still reading, I don't know...)

RIM

I don't even know what to say anymore. Does he have any time where he can be happy and nice arround you?
How are you making out with finding a meeting?

RIM are you in danger? Can this eventually escalate to something physical. He does not seem to have much control. Just a concern.

He can be, (happy and nice)- but he picks and chooses those times and they seem to come at really random times.... right now, he's being fine with me, normal and nice again. His mood swings are crazy, and truthfully, I can't even really PREDICT them anymore <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Its seriously like he's got multiple personalities anymore!

Hubby's on Anti-D's too... so, that is also another wrench in the gears of this mess... he's clinically depressed, and self-medicating...

I truthfully haven't started hunting for a meeting yet. I've written down the phone number for the meeting place in my city... but they don't publish the address or time/place they are held at-- probably for privacy reasons, etc, I'm assuming. So-- I need to call the number on Monday. I live in a fairly major city, and there's quite a few "areas" listed in my city, so I'm sure I won't have trouble finding one that fits my schedule.

I'd agree H has very little control. He had very little control BEFORE all of this started. Now, it seems like any control he DID have before, he just totally doesn't even listen to anymore... its literally like it pops into his head and he says/does it.... with no rational thinking whatsoever. His ability to be a RATIONAL ADULT has gone out the window. And absolutely no capacity for empathy, whatsoever. He REALLY DOESN'T CARE how much he hurts me. Really doesn't.

I think I need to somehow stop enabling. I also need to get some semblence of my OWN life back. This is something I struggle with too... because I want to get some of my own life back, but at the same time, he is resentful because the last time I "built my own life"-- I ended up having an A. But, at this point, I've sworn off all my old friends from the A days-- I don't talk to them anymore. So, truthfully, I don't really have any friends in my city anymore-- no one that is more than an "acquaintance" type of friend-- no one I'm really close with lives within a 6 hour radius of me anymore <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

One of my favorite activities (a sport) is one that OM used to play with me, so of course, that's the end of that one too. There's really only one league in my city-- and he plays-- so that's it for that. I feel like in some way that H is taking advantage of the fact that he knows I have NOTHING right now except for him and my dog. I built this whole life, but then had to abandon it all when I abandoned the A-- because a lot of it was intertwined in the A. I feel like he LlKES that I have no one except him around here (I'm not close with my family AT ALL, but they are here too)-- and that really I have no "activities" except ones I do with him. So, I feel like I need to start rebuilding my life again-- if nothing else to make myself less "dependent" on him for happiness-- but I don't want him to get resentful thinking that I am doing it to get intwined in an A again. That's not my intention, of course, and I've learned my lesson!

This is just all very draining anymore. He's become a very selfish person that is really sucking hte life out of me slowly but surely. And its like he throws me just enough scraps anymore to keep me in the game and to keep me from just throwing in the towel. He was mentioned AGAIN today that he "wasn't sure what he wanted". I just ignored it. Truthfully, he says it so much anymore, that it doesn't even bother me as much as it used to. Its like mentioning that its raining outside or something to me anymore.

I think slowly I am losing a lot of love and respect for him... I just hope I can keep up this plan A... or whatever the heck I'm doing... for awhile. I was really hoping to keep this up until March.

What do you think?

RIM

It sounds like he's punishing you by sucking you into some sort of reaction. If you can get yourself to not fall for it, I wonder if it would make a difference. Is there somewhere you can go until he decides if he wants this or not? If he didn't want the M why did he accept you moving back in, this just doesn't make sense. It comes back to the question about his reconciliation plan, it doesn't sound like he has one. It seems like the plan is that you're back so all is good.

You almost got away with not answering my question...do you feel like you're in physical danger?

HAHA... Can't get away with anything with you, can I TMTS??

No, for now, I don't feel like I'm in physical danger. He lays a hand on me, I'm gone. That's all there is to that. And that I'm serious about.

And he has no reconciliation plan. I guess technically we aren't "reconciling" anyways... he still doesn't know if he wants this marriage and he refuses to put effort into reconciliation until he figures out if he still wants to be married to me.

He decided to give up on our marriage in September after I had been back home for 2.5 months... this was because OM wouldn't LEAVE ME ALONE. He kept texting me (I never answered A SINGLE ONE OF THEM from about June on...before I moved home) and calling me and emailing me. NC wasn't in OM's vocabulary-- even tho I had asked for it. I have since changed my phone number and haven't heard a peep from OM since October. But, H punished ME for OM not leaving me alone.

And in terms of somewhere I can go... hmm, that's a hard one. No, I don't think so... that's the problem. And where I live, if I leave the house, he can sue me for "abandonment"... but, I doubt he'd leave the house, and even if he did, I don't know that I could afford to keep it on my own for very long... I would REALLY be living paycheck to paycheck, and if anything happened I'd be SCREWED.

I don't really have any good friends that I feel like I could inconvenience enough to come and live with them for awhile. Plus-- my dog, my furry baby. She has to go with me... My parents live about 45 minutes north of me... but, my mom hates my dog and won't let her in the house (even under these circumstances, she wouldn't), and I REALLY don't want to have to stay with them.

I've thought about trying to find a short term or month to month lease, but finding a place to stay with a 80 lb rottweiler is hard. I've also thought about this place in our town that is more like a hotel, but they are an extended stay hotel (like little efficiencies). I don't know if they'd let me bring a dog.

So-- that is also where I'm stuck. If I was to go plan B... the logistics of it hurt my head! Plan B is easier when THEY are the ones leaving...

And yes, he likes to suck me into reacting. I'm really trying hard not to react, but I have a way of begging and pleading (I'm really bad at that) and in a way endorsing his bad behavior....

RIM

Well, aren’t we feisty this morning? LOL (I just read your post on my thread).

I take it you had more of the same yesterday?

Maybe we should sign up for trading spouse and let them miserable to each other while we sit back and laugh. LOL

HAHA!!! We can do that wife swap show!! THEN maybe they'd appreciate us!

Yesterday wasn't BAD, per se... I spent about 4.5 hours (literally) cleaning the house and cooking him some dinner while he sat on the chair and "worked" (and by work-- I mean, sat there with his laptop and primarily watched football... I think about everytime I walked past it looked like more football than work... but he never offered to help... And I just kept working, with a smile on my face, but grumbling inside about how ungrateful he is anymore... ).

We went to bed last night, and he was a little withdrawn.

Nothing BAD about yesterday, but nothing GOOD either. I swear, the more I "offer" the more he just takes me for granted. Its like the whole thing of changes in me DOES cause changes in him... just causes him to do LESS work for us.

I read a theory once about a see-saw hypothesis on relationships... and I think that might apply to ours. Anyways, the more one spouse does of something, the less the other spouse has to do of it type of theory. Its almost like I've taken over the ENTIRE responsibility of nurturing the relationship, and he's just sitting back and enjoying that!

I'm still going to keep up with this until he's done with this job, probably early March. I need to plan for my plan B anyways... figure this out logistically because right now I have no clue how I'd pull this off.

Oh-- and think he might still be reading here?? I dunno. All I know is on Saturday after he finished his "work"-- he had a beer before dinner and then one after-- and that was IT. Just two. And I didn't say a word for that to happen. And one (and only one) yesterday. That is just about unheard of anymore out of him. Usually once he has the first one, he just keeps going with them until bedtime. So maybe he's read my thread from this week again... who knows. Or maybe it was just a coincidence.

Yeah, I am feeling a little feisty today!! I'm Italian. Feisty is my middle name!

RIM

Post deleted by nesre

RIM

Saw you on another thread-Hope your feeling better.

Haven’t seen anything on your thread for a couple of days so I thought I’d just ask- how ya doin?
I’m not sure if your keeping up on itssjustjulie but it may from about page 14 be helpful to read. Shes slowly building a circle of support around herself with veterans of MB’s and Al-Anon. THE KEY WORDS HERE ARE
BUILDING SLOWLY.

May be something there to consider.

Chris


Me 49 –
FWH 1987
A/CD treatment 8/1986
DS 24
DD 14
Married 25 yrs
WW 43
EA/PA –1986/1987 A Ended after 1 ½ yr seperation-NC w/OM for 4 months-Me N/C w/OW for 3 mo after W asked me to give her up
Mutual agreement to get back together
A/CD treatment 1988
EA/PA 2004?—10/2006? Mixed w/alcohol relapse
Treatment 12/06 W-Just wants to leave A in the past-“WE” know what to do
Me-Houston-We have a problem (we need to work on) here

Hey Chris--

Thanks for digging my thread out. I've been really stressed with work this week and also being sick...

Not really feeling any better yet... hopefully tomorrow. I guess that's why I've sort of been MIA around here.

I have Julie's thread bookmarked, but have been bad about keeping up around here recently. I'll go take a look though.

I've actually been doing well since I last posted. I had encouraged H to post here awhile ago (which he didn't want to do...), but he had said awhile ago that he had found my thread on here and was reading along. I don't know whether or not he still is, but his drinking this past week (really, since it came up on this thread) has diminished greatly. This past weekend on Saturday, he only had one beer after dinner (which is about unheard of... usually once he starts he doesn't stop until bedtime...) and then only two on Sunday. Hmmm...

In terms of "what he says" about his drinking.... he has admitted to both me, his mom, and my mom in the past that "he has a problem with drinking". So-- at least in the past, he wasn't in complete denial. He seems to justify it now though, saying that after everything that happened it is "normal" to cope this way (he said that once awhile ago, and I just sort of looked at him weird...). Anyways, I told his mom about a few of the "incidents" (without details, just sort of vaguely described the Dr. Jekkel/Mr. Hyde behavior) a few months back-- and she called him and told him to be careful with the drinking because alcoholism runs in his family (he an uncle and an aunt that are full blown alcoholics, and also his grandfather was an abusive alcoholic that ended up estranged from his family). He never mentioned the phone call to me, but later on his mom told me that H didn't talk to her for a week after she told him that.

Anyways, I think he knows he uses alcohol to cope... but, I think at the same time he doesn't think he has a full blown problem because he thinks he's in control-- he doesn't drink every day (true), and because when he does drink he doesn't end up crawling on a bathroom floor eating a cheeseburger and slurring his words.

He's been really busy with work, as have I (and now sick...). So, really its sort of been calm recently.

I would say that on days where he has "a bad day" he will come home and drink 6-8 beers before bedtime. That actually hasn't happened in awhile.

This weekend will be a good litmus test, because a few of his family members are coming over Saturday evening for a "game night" (we get together and play board games and stuff occasionally)--- and usually this involves alcohol and lots of food... so we'll see how that goes.

So-- I guess part of my MIA-ness has been not much has been happening on the home front, part of it is I have been really busy, and part of it is that I've been sick for the past 2 days. H has actually been doing a decent job taking care of me... last night he went to the gym (we usually go together, but I just was too sick last night...) and he brought me home chicken noodle soup. Tonight, he said that he might stay home from his "guys poker night" they have every Wednesday to take care of me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> So, we'll see.

Thanks for checking in with me though. And you're right, I do need to build that circle of support.... I feel like we are on thin ice right now... but that slowly things are getting better.

RIM

Oi-- so I'm at home sick today. I've been sick for the past 2 days. What ever I have is one TOUGH bug! I haven't been THIS sick in awhile.

So, I went into work this morning, and then came home around lunch time. Hubby was OK last night... he still went to his "guys poker night" (even though he said maybe he'd stay home with me since I was sick... but no such luck... I didn't say anything about it, but it did sort of hurt me... I guess maybe he shouldn't have brought it up at all because then I got my hopes up...). Anyways, he got home at like 10 pm, and we just went straight to bed. By the time he came home, I had already taken nyquil so I was about dead to the world. He stroked my face a little then just cuddled me last night. I didn't bring up the poker or anything at all, I just let it go. I think part of why he was so nice last night was because he felt guilty for leaving me alone sick.

So, today I went into work and then came home around lunch time. Well, I signed online when I got home to talk to H. Well, he started acting strange. Then it comes out that he's felt "uneasy" this week-- because he's been working really long hours so he essentially doesn't know where I am or what I am doing. So-- I said, well you can always call me or text me... or the other thing I said is that if I say that I am at the house and you don't believe me... then ask me to send you a picture text, right then, of something in the house. So he's like, but that doesn't tell me that OM isn't at the house with you. Arrrrgggg... I said, that's true, but you can always call or check up on me whenever you would like. I dont' care. I have nothing to hide.

I said that I've done everything I can think of to be "transparent". I've changed my phone number, I always have my cell on me, I am willing to send picture messages, I call and tell him my whereabouts all the time... and we really only spend the "work day" apart from each other anymore always (well, except for his "poker night" but that is HIS choosing to be separated from me for that evening... and I'm fine with that, and I still tell him where I am and what I am doing...).

I told him, I can't think of anything more to do to help you. That doesn't mean I'm not WILLING to do more, but I'm doing as much as I can think of myself, without you TELLING me what more you need from me. At this point he sorta needs to "help himself" too... ie, actually CHECK UP ON ME... (he hasn't actually done it because he says "it doesn't help"...right... or he just doesn't want to see that over and over again I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE??). He says that it makes him nervous that OM lives somewhat close to my work (well, I THINK he does?? He MAY have moved?!? But I'm honestly not sure?? He may be in NY... but then again, I don't want to start "digging" to find out where he is either... but at the same time, then H is convinced he's still "hanging around" (which is totally not TRUE!).

I work in a secure, card access building that OM couldn't get into even if he wanted to anyways. He used to work with me, but no longer does. I actually had my boss make sure that his card for access to the building was deactivated awhile ago.

I mean, I understand his "paranoia" (but, to be fair, I have a lot of reasons to be paranoid about him too... I just try to be a little rational...). but at the same time... THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON! And, yes, I'm tired of being accused of it, but I don't react and I don't say anything and I just reassure because I UNDERSTAND. But at some point... he needs to work WITH me to help make this paranoia go away! Tell me what I need to do if I'm not "doing it right" (truthfully, I don't think there's much else i can do-- if anyone has ANY ideas, let me know. He has access to my cell records, and also my email accounts).

And he chooses today, of all days, to bring this up. I feel like complete crap to begin with. He was being all weird and quiet and trying to "bring me down" again like he usually does (its not like we can talk about these things and then he feels better or something, its like he just tries to drag me down to his level)-- so I told him I was signing off to take a nap, and that I was sorry he was having a rough time, and that if there was anything I could do, to call me.

So-- my question is... how much do I "coddle" him and how much do I just do some "tough love?" I feel like sometimes he does this to me on purpose to "punish" me and to elicit this response from me. Plus, I feel like it was a little insensitive today, of all days, when I feel like complete CRAP to begin with. But-- I didn't react. I just said I was going to take a nap before he could suck me in more, and signed off line.

So-- how much do I "coddle" and how much do I "tough love"?? I sort of need to protect myself here too. He's just sucking me DRY anymore. AND IM SICK! I'm sicker now than I've probably been in the past 2 years...

I want to be there for him, but it seems like when I am... he just sucks me dry and makes me feel like ******. And at the end, its not even like "he feels better"--at which point, maybe it would be worth it. But at the end, he's angry and upset, I'm upset because I feel like I can't do anything to help, and he won't let me, and that makes me feel like poop... and its like he just WANTS to drag me down...

I half thought about going to get him a coffee and taking it downtown for him (I'm sick, he'd have to come out and get it, but still..). Or signing back online. But I don't know how much more of being "beaten down" I can take, not today. I just feel like crap to begin with and this is hard to fight when you feel like that to begin with. It just takes strength I don't have today...

So what am I supposed to do?? Was it wrong for me to sign offline? He was being a pr*ck... and nothing I said could get through to him... I tried being sympathetic, and he was still being a jerk... so I just signed off. To protect myself. I feel like crap, why does he have to do this TODAY?!?!

I AM NOT TALKING TO OM ANYMORE. I HAVE NO DESIRE, WHATSOEVER, TO TALK TO HIM! H CAN CHECK ON ME ALL HE WANTS-- but he doesn't for whatever reason-- I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE!

So what now? H was actually so insensitive to ask me if I felt like meeting up with a few friends at a sports bar to watch the hockey game tonight. Um, NO! I CAME HOME FROM WORK EARLY BECAUSE I AM SICK... why in god's green earth would I want to go to a bar!?!? So-- I said he could go if he wanted to. He said he didn't want to leave me home sick. I half think he'll come home and end up going out with his friends and leaving me home anyways. I'm not going. I feel like crap! He said he really wanted to go but didn't want to leave me home alone (apparently it was OK last night though...)... so I said I would go if I didn't feel like crap (true!), but not tonight, and he could go if he wanted to, and if not, we could meet them for the next game.

I just don't know how to deal with him when he gets like this. Its like he DOESN'T WANT to feel better... he just wants to drag me down to his level. Its not like EITHER ONE of us feels better after this. WE BOTH FEEL WORSE... EVERY SINGLE, STINKING TIME!

Arg. Frustrated. So, do I sign back online? Do I take him coffee??

RIM

Oh-- and just wanted to add to the above that OM has NEVER EVER been in my house. EVER. He may or may not even remember where it is (I don't know). So H's argument about OM being in the house with me is just one that he's extrapolating, not one based on anything that happened. Not that that means that he "believes" me that OM has never been in the house, but I just wanted to add that.

RIM