RIM....

Change can be scary. But not changing is scarier.

Try to calm down and start writing out a budget and a plan. When there is a will there is a way. Once you do that, the next step is easier.

After you take that first step towards your plan, you'll realize that your life is no longer out of control. You're controlling it. It is a great feeling. Less fearful over what your H will do.

Here is where I am coming from...he is not going to change...actually the better way to put it is...you cannot change him. You can only change YOU. The only way I can answer your quesiton(s) is to start by calling a lawyer. Tell him/her you are being mentally abused by your H. That he refuses to leave the home and you do not have anywhere to go, and cannot afford the home on your own. I believe in cases where abuse is claimed, things may move very quickly. You can get him out of the home, and if he becomes violent, you can have a restraining order put on him. In the meantime, start looking for a job closer to home/family so that you can either live with them when money becomes tight or at least have a support system close by.

Listen to me, I am not trying to 2x4 you...I understand that your world is falling apart. Why do you think I was so tough on you? I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOU PUT UP WITH THIS ABUSE ANY MORE!!!! Noone deserves to be treated this way. It is deeply disturbing to me, and that is why I haven't been able to post to you for a while. It is like actively watching (or listening to) someone being tortured.

And it is frustrating to see that and yet the person who needs to take the first step is you, and I cannot make you, nor can anyone else here. I am sorry, but I am not going to calmly sit by and put a band-aid on your gaping wounds by talking to you in soothing tones and tell you everything is going to be OK while you Plan A him. He doesn't deserve it while he is abusing drugs/alcohol and YOU. He needs a wake-up call, and if he gets the help he so desperately needs, great, then maybe you can discuss a future with him. But by that time, I want you to be such a strong person who has found their own inner peace, that you can make a rational decision based on what is in front of you. Not based on raging emotions from the turmoil of your life as it stands now.

I promise you, once you take the first step, once you allow yourself this separation, you are going to see things more clearly. I PROMISE YOU!!!

But I cannot figure it out for you, as far as the details of how to support yourself, etc. I do know that there are abuse shelters where you can go to escape everything for a while, and I can tell you that if you take that action, the state cannot possibly consider it "abandonment." And you know what-- SO WHAT IF THEY DO!!! Your safety and your well-being is worth more than all the money in the world. Let him have the house...F him if he wants play dirty. Because you will be in peace, finally, and THAT'S what matters, RIM.

That's what really matters to me, and it should be what matters to YOU as well. Because you are worth so much much more than what he is offering. I hope you can believe me about that for just long enough to get yourself out from under his thumb. Because that's when things will become clear to you and you will find all of the things you are searching for right now.

Please, please, RIM, get away from him...

Call a lawyer Monday morning and get the ball rolling. That will end the issue of abandoment! Take the first step to your happiness.

Just got these this morning. We went to bed "mad" because he refused to calm down and apologize.

At one point last night, he said to me "Why do you always have to be the bigger person?". Ha. Had I thought about it... I mean, really... come on, what you want me to act like as big of an idiot as you just so you can feel better about how you are behaving?? COME ON.

Today we had plans to take the dog to boarding place she has to "try out" before she stays there in a few weekends for our VT trip. Then go to the mall to get him a new coat for VT and get some lunch and pick the dog back up. Tonight is "game night" with his cousins.

Well-- in a few I am going to get in the shower, and then go ALONE to take the dog. I don't even WANT him to go with me and ruin MY day. Not until he acknowledges his behavior. And I'm not accepting the whole "I'm just going to act like nothing happened" approach of his. He's still in bed. I'll just give him a kiss when I leave and tell him that I would prefer to go alone. I'll make an afternoon out of it myself. Maybe find myself a little coffee shop and do some reading/thinking.

Oh-- and I don't plan on participating in game night either, not until this "ends". I don't want to drag this argument out forever... in fact, I TOLD HIM THAT, that I just wanted it to be over, and I apologized myself. He refuses to apologize. He was being COMPLETELY irrational last night and really overreacting. And I'm not seeing things that way just for my benefit. I deserve an apology and some recognition on his part that what he did was TOTALLY wrong... especially since I took HIM out to a show HE wanted to see.... and took him out to dinner. That's the repayment I get?? Thanks, jerk.


So, as of right now, we are in a stalemate, I suppose. I refuse to just pretend like nothing happened or just "forgive" him for this. At this point, I need to have a little respect for myself. Sadly enough, he was pissy with me this morning tho when I tried to hold his hand when he got out of bed, so apparently he plans on dragging this into today and ruining today too. Oh well. I'll just go myself this afternoon, and he can have game night alone. I'll find something else to do or somewhere else to go.

I need to stand up for myself a bit. I went way too far into doormat phase with plan A.

I'll try to get back on later...

RIM

OK-- I know its a weekend and that means things are usually slow around here.

But I guess I want people's opinions on how much I should "hold out" here, on this issue from last night, and how much I should "give".

I feel like I am the ONLY person to give anymore. And I DO NOT want to brush this under the rug again and "pretend" it didn't happen. But at the same time, I don't want this to turn into a clash of egos and a stalemate-- which is sort of where it is heading now. But I still don't get why I am the only to ever "blink" when we get in these "contests". I hate knowing that every time I am going to be the one that has to patch things up.... while he sits there and gloats. Its not even like he holds me and apologizes and we move on both happy. Nope, its like he "won" and now he's "celebrating".

So I'm at work now. I have a few errands I can run. I called a few friends to see if anyone wants to get some lunch. No such luck. So-- I dont have a whole heck of a lot more to do right now...

So--- when I go home, how do I "behave"? This morning, I kissed him goodbye and just told him to sleep in. He was being a [censored], I said goodbye, I love you.... and he "pretended" he didn't hear me (I know damn well he did) and didn't say a word back. So I said it louder, and he finally answered in a monotone voice. He's being an immature [censored]. I didn't say anything,, was just all cheery and goddessed up and left with the dog.

I dont know if he's still in bed or not. So what do I do? What do I do about "game night" tonight? Do I refuse to participate?? That seems like I"m just sort of "stooping" to his level then... which I don't want to do. I don't want this to turn into a battle of wills. And I don't want to have to "resort" to his immature, controlling tactics to "win". I just want to move past what happened last with WITH HIM ACKNOWLEDGING MY FEELINGS. Not just brushing them off and only worrying about himself and his own feelings of anger.

So-- what do I do with the rest of my day? I REALLY don't want to just sit at my desk all day on a Saturday. And I don't have a ton of money currently, so I can't go shopping. Ideas?

RIM

So, in other words, you are going to completely avoid everything I said. I thought you had reached a point where you would actually start listening. Guess I was wrong.

I thought of something else last night as well...for all the screaming about you not having anywhere to go and how trapped you are and how the state will consider it abandonment if you leave and all that...You certainly weren't concerned with any of that when you moved out on your own a few months ago. You found all kinds of strength and courage and money to move out to be with OM.

So really, it's just a matter of choice. As long as you choose to be enmeshed in this drama, there's really nothing any of us can do for you.

Good luck and God bless you!

RIM, if you sat down with him and told him what you just told us but using "I" statements, how do you think he would react? From what you are telling I don't think he would give a crap about what you tell him. This is a child you are dealing with so treat him as such. When children are playing and one gets upset they simply leave, so do the game night but as soon as you see the behavior don't stand for it, just get up and leave. This is all about power and attention and the mistake you make is that when he acts like this you give him the attention he's looking for, so do the opposite, when he pulls the teenage power play, don't acknowledge it, just leave, no nasty looks, no sighs nothing, put on the poker face and leave. Next time he's with the dog, notice on how he interacts with her and ask yourself if he interacts with you the same way... This should tell you allot. From your end this is a boundary issue, and you let him set over them over and over again.
Use the computer issue that my WW used on me this week, I had set a boundary to not tell me about anything that has to do with her move, so when she did I said, "oh, that's nice, I got to go check on the chicken". You need to set these, believe them and stick to them; otherwise you will continue to be his doormat.

I'm sorry Lala and I are being tough on you, but we see the pain you're going through and it hurts us as well. Bottom line is that he does not deserve the RIM we have come to know and respect.

No TMTS-- I don't think you are being "rough" on me. You offer practical solutions. And you're right, he wouldn't give a crap if I told him how I felt using I statements... because I did that last night. And he didn't give a crap.

I guess what I struggle with is... so say he started being an a**... I get up and walk away. Fine. I can do that. Now, it turns into a battle of wills, right? I mean, what do I do after that? Do I come back an hour later and pretend nothing happened? Do I stay away until he decides to apologize and acknowledge he was being a [censored]? I mean, I left my house at 9:30 this morning, and as far as he knows... I dropped the dog off. I didn't tell him a single other thing I was doing. I am at work now. I have a few errands to run, then pick up the dog, then I'll go home. And he hasn't bothered to call or anything. I can't win the "battle of the wills" game. Oh.... and I'll bet my BANK ACCOUNT I get accused of being with OM when I get home since I was gone so long and didn't tell him where i was going. So then in his head he'll have ANOTHER reason to justify continuing being a disrespectful immature idiot.

So-- how to I react AFTER I walk away, TMTS?? Like now, when I go home. Do I just pretend nothing happened?? Because I guarantee if I do that, he'll just RIGHT ON that game. He loves that one. Because he gets off "scot free". And then the cycle will repeat. But if I try to talk to him calmly with "I" statements... its not going to get me anywhere either. He's that delusional and lacking empathy.

And Lala-- I seriously don't know what you are talking about me "avoiding". I need a method to help me cope and deal with this behavior. A plan A when he's "behaving" and a "time out" for when he's not. My fear is that by trying to "punish" him for "misbehaving" in the end, I'll be no better than him. Which is NOT my goal. I do love this man, and yes, he's got a lot of personal issues. And yes, he probably needs some "tough love" to straighten up, and yes, I've been a huge enabler. TMTS really said it well-- I give him the attention he wants when he "acts up"-- just like we are 6 years old.

And Lala-- I know you are scared for me, and I appreciate that. But I don't appreciate the "you're stupid" tone to your posts. I know you think I should just up an run away. But that's not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for help in NOT ENABLING HIM and in DEALING WITH THIS in a way that doesn't enable him, doesn't "reward" him for being an idiot, and doesn't kill me. And no, I haven't been that successful-- because I get sucked into the same damn traps over and over. (Although I have gotten MUCH better... but still not good enough).

So-- my plan is to plan A him when he's behaving. And LEARN MYSELF through al-anon and wherever else I can (the Harleys?) how to better deal with it and stop rewarding and enabling, and protect myself.

BUT... this is NOT in ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM a permanent thing. My plan B in my head starts in March. And, coincidentally, I should hear by then whether or not I am getting a large raise also. I am looking into getting into an "extended stay" condo place in my city. Seeing if I can take my dog. If not, well then I'll have to sign a lease, and we'll have to sublet the apartment if he so decides that he wants to try to reconcile.

But, my point is... yeah, he's an idiot. Yeah, this is emotional abuse. No, I shouldn't have to deal with it. But, learning NOT to beg and plead and always "run to his rescue" will help me with him and long term. It is a habit I need to break, now and forever... whether or not I end up with him or someone else. So I'm looking for help in that, not to run away. Not yet. Really he hasn't done anything worse to me right now that he hasn't already done before my A anyways. Plus-- I DO believe that he can be a better person, and that we can have a good marriage. But he doesn't get forever to figure that out.

Sadly enough, I also have very little hope for any sort of plan B. I really think it would turn into a battle of wills... he can't "give in" and decide to reconcile because then he'd be "weak". Just like he can't call me this morning and apologize and put this behind us, because then he'd be "weak". He'll hold out. Then accuse me of being with OM when I get home. (I'll get on and tell you that he did when I get home. I'd be SHOCKED if he didn't. He's very predictable anymore. Makes it a little easier to deal with <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

RIM

Hi RIM - Here's the deal on the walking away. It's not about the walking away, it's about the boundary. There is nothing wrong with coming back to him to discuss the same thing but if he goes past the boundary, guess what you do... If he knows that he can wait you out and eventually get a reaction from you, he's "won" and that's the cycle you want to stop. The whole trick is to not react negatively. This only works well if he gets something out of it by being civil. As soon as he gets nasty walk away. He'll eventually get the point or he will watch you close the door behind you. Doing this has nothing to do with the subject, it's all about what behavior you will tolerate. If he treats you like crap and that's what you'll accept, then that's what he will do, but if you decide that you don't want to be treated that way and walk away when he does, he will get the point.

I hope that makes sense.

Has anyone told you about the 180s? I learned them through Divorce Busters and used them with the MB principles to save MYSELF and was just blessed that they also helped my husband and I rebuild as chaotic a marriage you find yourself in.

180s are proactively changing the ways you behave and react with the WS. I had a lot of things to change but I did the 180s for me. I felt very empowered and I am happy to say that they have stuck.

If you are the one who usually beds and gives in during or after a fight and it makes you feel like crap--- do your 180 on that. Act in a manner completely opposite what you normally would and make it a PERMANENT change. I used to be the one who initiated all affectionate words, gestures, and conact. The day I implemented the 180s I had decided on, it definately got my WHs attention. I stopped being affectionate, I made him do the work. I stopped answering the phone immediately when he called home. Sometimes I didnt even pick up. Made him wonder what I was doing. I stopped sitting at home and would announce I was going out and just take off. That one really shocked my FWH. Id just take off for solo walks and stopped asking him to come with me. I bought new clothes, changed my hairstyle, wore makeup. Bought new nightgowns.

You need permanent changes to get yourself out of this mire you are in with your WH. His addiction and personality makes me want you to just work on getting outof there ASAP, but that is your decision.

Its time to conentrate on YOU and changing your behaviors. Make a plan. Stick to it.

I have to change a diaper right now but I will be back with a list of the 180s.....

deleted because I somehow submitted the post twice...

It does TMTS. Thanks. Although I don't think anything will happen at game night negative anyways. He's very good at putting on his "I'm a great husband!" persona when other people are around. He'll probably be all "babe" and "honey" and getting me drinks, etc. Aww.. how cute. This is what I'm up against too. Everyone thinks I'M the crazy one of our "mutual" friends. I know for a fact he's told a lot of people "half" of the story too (and guess which side he's telling...). So, everyone thinks I'm a cheating psycho ****** that is unsupportive. He's VERY manipulative. And VERY VERY VERY good at making other people think he's just such a great, moral person. He can be VERY charming when he wants to be.

OK-- I am going to try this "walking away" part. It is going to take a lot of strength to not beg. Its such a hard habit to break.

My plan: Going to call home now, see if he wants to run errands with me and then get lunch. I'll end the stalemate. Whatever. I'll let last night go. That's fine. One more thing to swallow isn't that big of a deal at this point... I've already got a huge repository of resentment <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> that is really just a drop in the bucket at this point....

If he decides he's going to be cranky about it or whatever, then I'll just stay away for awhile longer until he decides he wants to stop being a [censored]. If not, then fine, we can go to lunch and hopefully he can behave himself. If he can't then we go home. Immediately. I don't care if it is in the middle of my lunch.

Deal?

I'm going to try this new approach TMTS. I am going to like tattoo TMTS on the inside of my wrist or something and when I feel myself going down that slope... I'll just look at the tattoo and just walk away when he decides to be an idiot. And I'll give him time to calm down, and if he decides not to, well then I'll walk away again.

I guess I just get really resentful that he NEVER apologizes to me for ANYTHING anymore. He LITERALLY says I DESERVE it, therefore he shouldn't have to apologize. He can be a pretty big d*ck and somehow justify it in his own head so that he did nothing wrong. Its pretty amazing, really. I guess I just feel like when you hurt someone that bad, and clearly YOU were in the wrong, that person is owed and apology and repentence. But I NEVER get that. Ever. He just pretends it didn't happen... and then does it again later.

So, no more reacting. RIM is WALKIN' AWAY! Arg. Old habits die hard. Why do I want to save him so bad?!?!?!

I'm going to adjust what I'M doing to see if I can therefore insight some change in him. If I can't... well, this is his loss not mine. I've learned a lot.

And he's only got a little bit of time to shape up... or I'm shipping out. I just need to do this RIGHT... and stop enabling... and stop "rewarding" him for being an idiot... before I can walk away. Iv'e been doing a damn good plan A, minus the begging and enabling part... that is the part I need to master... then if he doesn't shape up... you're right... I DESERVE BETTER. This is ridiculous. It totally is. My life right now is one giant LB.

Wonderful... I just tried calling him and he turned his cell phone off. How immature can we REALLY be?!?!?! Arg.

RIM

RIM,
I haven't read all 17 pages of your thread, but have gleaned enough, if you will, to get a grasp for you and h are going through.

If you would allow me, IMHO, you and your H seemed to be locked into this circular dance with each other that is stagnant and producing no good results, irregardless of your efforts to reconcile.

The problem with the circular dance is it always brings you back to the point of origin, and thusly, no progress.

The biggeswt problem I see(with disclaimer), is that neither of you is communicating with each other about what your hopes and dreams are about your future together. Instead, each of you dwell in the past and the hurts you have heaped upon each other in what could only be viewed as, a dysfunctional marriage.

Do you remember your courtship and dating period before your M? the time when you discussed what it was about your future together that was soo attractive? It was a free flowing communication that excited and enticed eash of you to walk down the aisled together in the first place.

IMHO, You need to wipe the slate clean and remember why the two of you fell in love in the first place. this is a two way street and your H needs to come on board with this, and forget about the mistakes that took place in the M. You both do!

Progress will only be made when when you can both do as you did before your M, in a straight line with an ideal future before you as the goal.

Can the two of you reach that far back? I dunno, only you and he can decide that.

Explain to him that this circular behavior is pointless, and will be a living ****** as long as he is happy with it. OTOH, explain to him that this will not be your future, cause you refuse to settle for something less than you original goals, before you M'd.

I wish you well,

All blessings,
Jerry

RIM - you can make your own "walk away" statement. The point is that if it's not the behavior you can accept then you don't acknowledge it. I use this with my kids. See with ODD I do the walk away deal because if not it turns into a hooting match where she ends up grounded, but with my YDD the walking away just upsets her more, so with her I act like she didn't say anything, them when she comes around and says what she wants to say in a respectful manner I answer. Again the point is not to acknowledge the behavior.

Rim,it sounds like both of you are very reactionary people, which in itself is hard, but together, you get a double wammy of tempers flying and disresepct galore.

Try ACTing instead, kinda like the 180 principle.
When I first found out my Wh cheated on me, we were in the parking lot, his OW was on the stairwell and she blurted it out. I asked, "is this true" and he said "yes. I'm sorry. Slap me, I know I deserve it."

So I did. Right across the face. Bad move.

1) It was wrong. Plan and simple, even if he goaded me or "deserved" it.
2) I lowered myself to a level of physical abuse. What the heck? I am not an "abuser"...but what did I just do?
3) I loved this man. THIS was not love.

I could have ACTED.
1) Turned around, got in the car and left
2) Broke up with him.
3) Tell him I needed space with no contact for a few weeks to think about it.
4) Excercised, gone shopping, started a journal
5) Drowned my sorrows with my gf's and a botle of wine.

ok the last one was a joke (um, kinda), but seriously Res,TMTS and the others are really giving you some good advice.

I sincerely and remorseful apologized to him for that and he has put me through a LOT worse, emotionally and verbally from him, plus the PA, but it was MY actions that I could control, not his.

Do you have ANY friends to stay with at ALL? If you make it clear you will be back, but you are scared for your safety I doubt any judge would claim abandonment. The nature of the circumstances dictates that you need to get away from him until he can commit to a change of great proportions.

I feel your pain, I really do. But hurting each other is not the way God intended this beautiful Life of ours to be lived.

Prayers,
Free

Hi everyone--

Made it home and H was still in bed. At 1:30!! So, I woke him up and asked if he wanted to go to lunch and go look at new coats for him (he needs a new one). He said yes. He's in the shower now.

Jerry-- I would love to start over-- I even gave him a NEW wedding band on new years and said I wanted to re-new our vows and start over... he doesn't want to. I have spent a lot of the past few months really trying to. I DON'T WANT to be here! I want more than anything to start over with a fresh outlook-- fall in love again, and work together to fix our issues. I don't want to live in the past. The problem??? H DOES. He literally says he "can't move on" "doesn't want to move on" and "doesn't know if he wants this marriage and until he does, he's just going to continue like this". So, sadly, we can't move on together. And as much as I try to move on... he really tries his best to drag me back into the past and make me miserable with him. I'm getting better at not letting that happen and being responsible for ME. What I'm not good at is letting him be responsible for HIM. I try too hard to rescue him. I want to move on though. I do know why I married him... and I do think this could be better.... I've tried explaining that this is pointless (I call it the merry-go-round)... but he says he doesn't want to do anything at all until he "decides if he wants to stay in this marriage". This has been going on now for 5 months.

Mojodiva-- I like the idea of the 180. It IS usually me doing most of the "work". I think I might try some of this out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I would love that list. Thanks for the post.

Free-- Thanks for the encouragement also. You are right, I need to CHANGE MY ACTIONS. I am trying to be the best person I can be, no matter how much he tries to goad me. In a way, his comment last night kinda was a compliment to me (although he didn't mean it that way...). He said "I always had to be the better person". Well-- umm.... I mean, I try to be... and he can alwayss try to be too... its just he doesn't. So yeah, that leaves me to be the better person!

OK, out to lunch <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the support guys. I really need it right now. I just hope I can hold on and change my own reactions for the next month before I give up....

RIM

Here's the 180 list I used. It gave me a great foundation to work from.


1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting, get busy, do things, church, sports, tan,
15. When home with your spouse, be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you've had an awakening
and as far as you're concerned, you're going to move on with your life.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold, wait to see if spouse notices.
19. No matter what you're feeling TODAY, only show spouse happiness.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk.
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on other parts of your life).
28. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed
much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of
what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives
because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.


------------
Sorry it took so long. Hubby called from Cuba then my todler destroyed my laptop. Had to get on my PC to post. Drying out the laptop now-- my 2 year old sprayed it with Oxy Clean carpet cleaner he grabed off the kitchen counter while I was in the bathroom. Good lord.... hubby just left it here for this week!

RIM

Resonance did your homework for you. Thanks

I thought it may have some self impact if she had done it herself. Maybe an epiphany moment?



1.) Go to alanon (have you gone?)
2.) Separate from him until he chooses to make the changes he needs to make in order to have a healthy M
3.) STOP doing Plan A as even the good doc who runs this site would say is essential until he gets help for his addictive and/or abusive behaviors (LET ALONE BOTH!!)
4.) Stop begging and pleading with someone who obviouly enjoys watching you squirm and "gets off" on your need to cling to him even when he is being a monster

Quit looking outside of yourself for the quik fix for H
The FIX is only within you at this point.

I will never bring up the post you put up here and deleted last week.

Maybe youy should put it up here and let others see if it changes the situation????

NOT a 2 X 4 GET REAL RIM

I am defianately concerned for you safety and praying you will chose A healthier path than the one your on.

Chris

I thnk at least joining alanon right now is a fabulous idea.

RIM
Resonance couold have said the same to me.
You are where I was at 4 years ago. The only one that could make a difference in my life was me by taking the first steps towards a new different life.

You can not and will not change H.

ONLY YOUSELF

Please find a safe path and get away. I am extremely concerned for your safety.

Chris

RIM - Are you alright?

Haven't seen you around in the last few days, and I'm worried about you. I know we've been rough on you in the last week, but I hope you can accept that if we didn't care we wouldn't be trying to help you at all.

Have you seen anything in him that might give you hope right now? Any luck finding an al anon meeting?

Please check in...