I need help. My husband had an EA 2 yrs ago with a coworker. This went on for several months before I found out. He left a message on our home computer to her and I found it. It was just on the screen, I had no clue. He told me what was going on and said it was over. I was devastated, we had been married for 23 yrs. She came on to him, needed a friend-he wanted to help her, she was unhappy in her marriage. He swore it was done and I believed him-her husband came to our house! Told me(us) it was still going on and that they had just met that day for coffee and he kissed her. This conversation took place with my husband present. He admitted he was attracted to her but knew it was not going anywhere-he didn't want it to. She had 2 children, one an infant.I will try to shorten this!! After several months of him trying to make it right with me he left his job for a new one. No more contact with her. Now to the present...I found out in October that he was corresponding with an old girlfriend that lives in another state. There was a message that had him refuring to them as just being a maybe in the future. He said it was nothing, fantasy. Her husband found out too. This has ended. My husband moved out 5 weeks ago because we can't get along. I want to make this work. He said he loves me wants to be with me but doesn't know if we can. He has a lot of guilt and remorse. Doesn't want to fight anymore. I found this site and have gotten the book HIs Needs Her Needs, we are both reading it. Where do we go from here? He won't come home yet. Thank you for reading this long post and for your help.

Hi Liaz

Sorry you need to be here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

This is a good place to get help in recovering your marriage though !

You say your husband is moved out - where is he living ? And is he behaving in a transparent manner while he is away from you ?

Did he choose to leave or did you ask him to ?

I am so sorry you have to go thru this. There are so many experienced people here who can help. you need to read EVERYTHING on this site, spend hours..or days... Keep reading and learning and sharing with him. Be gla dthat he's open to it, many of our spouse's are not open to it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> That is such a good sign!!!! Read the book Surviving an Affair. I downloaded another that is helpful in some ways, its "How to Gain Forgiveness and Respect After Your Affair" by Katie Coston.

Do not give up... You need to open up to him, and truly connect. Do not fight! You need to implement Harley's pricipals <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. At the time he moved out we both agreed it was best. He is living in a rented room in a private residence-he is unhappy there, but unwilling to move back. I have told him that I believe the best way for us to work on our marriage is to be living together again but he will not move back. He says that he doesn't know if we can make it right again...that I may not be able to change-give him the emotional support he needs. I have told him that I will. I understand now since finding this site and reading the book!!! He is not convinced, wants to continue to live apart and figure things out. I now know that I was not there for him and haven't been for many years. How can I make it right if we are not living our life together?

guess ya can't MAKE him come back but that shouldn't stop you from being consistant in your efforts to try

An update.Please help...I have been in Plan A now for a few weeks. We are seeing each other a few times a week while he is living apart from me. That has not changed. He will not commit to returning home. What do I do? He has the book HNHN but I don't think he has been reading. He is living a single life, enjoying being alone, his friends and going to Yoga, his bike rides etc. When I have said that I want him to come home he says that he is not ready, not enough time has passed for changes to have been made. He says he loves me and wants our marriage to work but how can it if we don't live together? Should I begin plan B??? I am so confused. I know it will take time but I am miserable and he is not! Your advice is so welcome and needed.

Stay in Plan A.

Were there a lot of problems in the marriage?

It seems that he wants to be single, free, continue with affairs (past lovers or new lovers) and not be caught by you. That's why he wants "time" and "space" to "figure things out." In order for him not to get into more affairs, he has to move back home so you can monitor him and execute a good Plan A on him. Plan A doesn't work well when you are living sepeartely, because he can easily cake eating with you and having a girl friend on the side.

To sum it up, convince him to move back home asap.

liaz,

Could you fill in a few more details? How old are the two of you? Any children? Ages? What emotional needs does he think you won't be able to fill? What were the issues that may have made your marriage vulnerable?

Welcome to MB.

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Are you helping enable your husband's separate existence financially or in any other fashion? If you are, stop that!

Do you have children? What is the status of his relationship with his parents and yours? Do you have a pastor who can get involved?

In short, you're being too brief in your discussion of your problem, Lia. Tell us more, so we can get a feel for your and your husband's marriage. In particular, tell us about why he left the home and whether he's with friends or family members. What is this "...we couldn't get along..." thing you mentioned in passing?

Tell us more, rather than less. You've got total anonymity out here--no one here can locate you among 300 million other Americans--so use that anonymity, okay?

Hang in there.

LH

We have been married so long-25years. Our marriage has had it ups and downs like any others but I believe we both have not met each others EN needs for many years. I also believe he is addicted to internet porn, which we have discussed many times in our long marriage. I do not agree with his use of it and have caught him many times. I should say that we have had a very good SL our entire marriage so I know that is not a problem. I am thinking that he doesn't want to give this up and by moving home he will have to, we have talked about it and he did agree to stop. I really hate to think that his not moving home is because he wants to continue to have or contemplate having affairs. I am an attractive women who runs a successful business,maybe not paying enough attention to my H! Should I give him a time frame for moving home while staying in plan A? What if he says no to a time frame? Go to plan B? Thank you for your help!!!!!

There isnt a timeline given in plan A. You are in control. Plan A is all about improving you, with NO EXPECTATIONS of him.

Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding!

So, what are you doing to change the time you spend together to demonstate to your husband that you will give him the attention (and time) he needs?

I'm not saying this will get him to come home. But when you want to negoiate him doing so, he will know you can meet that need. It will weigh favorably in his decision making.

25 years is a very long time, equating to a long history that cannot be ignored. This also weighs in your favor.

Jo

How do you know her husband found out? Did your husband say so? Why do you believe him? I wouldn't.

Also, its very likely the affair has NOT ended. I don't mean to alarm you, but its likely they have just gone deeper underground with the affair.

To start with, explore including in your plans exposing the adultery to OW's husband. He has a right to know.

Jo

You should be very suspicious about the end of his affair/contact with his ex-girlfriend. If they could re-start the fire after over two decades, what make you think that they could not restart after two months? Chances are they just go underground. Her husband needs to know that your husband is no longer living at home and FREE, especially on nights and weekends and alarm him to be suspicious of his wife being away, especially with any ladies night out or visiting family members.

.

Liaz....

Your situation sounds a lot like mine...my wife and I get along really well, have good conversations, nothing seems or feels strained, except that she doesn't want to move home, and doesn't want anything more than "friendship" right now....it's killing me! Do your best at Plan A for as long as you can/want.....give it your best shot.

You should also consider an appointment with the Harley's....it's about 200 dollars for 3/4's of an hour, but it sure feels worth it to me.

Be good, be strong....

Ron

liaz,

The (general) guidelines for Plan A are 3 to 6 months. It's very hard to fill needs without expectations for an indefinite amount of time....which is the point of Plan B. It's exhausting and often depressing to work so hard without results. Since he may continue to do harmful things....you should have a timeline in mind, or until you find that you are losing all your love for him. As much as you can.....you want to present the marriage as an attractive alternative to single life (or affairs). It would be ideal if he would move home....but you can't make him. So, you'll have to do your Plan A while separated....which is harder, but not impossible. It is a time where you can make self improvement....and those things will make you more attractive as well as prepare you if you need to go to Plan B.

Avoid relationship talks for now, and avoid weeping or begging. Also, I think he's at the ripe age for a midlife crisis, and so many of his actions are indicative of that mind frame. You may want to read some of Pat Gaudette's stuff about "How to Survive Your Husband's MLC". He seems less interested in one woman, as he is in pretending he's single and independent. So some research about MLC's may help you to understand what you're dealing with and how to approach it.

You say you think he's addicted to online porn. What makes you characterize it as an addiction? Does he spend alot of time online, or do you think he's just incapable of stopping?

Unlike an ongoing affair....Plan A (which is primarily designed to end an affair) is not as effective at dealing with an MLC. I would not advise a really long Plan A (which would normally outlast an affair) if you're dealing with an MLC instead. He may have many meaningless encounters....instead of one serious relationship. There are some really excellent resources that may help you out there along with the strategies here.

(((((((((((((((liaz)))))))))))))))

Yes he told me her husband found out. They never saw each other-EA-she lives in another state. It was phone email and text.
We have 2 DD's and a new GD. I am 47 look 37! LOL. H is 49 looks 39! We live 2500 miles away from our families. We moved away with our DD's 4 yrs ago. My H is a triathlete, spends a lot of time with friends who do same. I started running to join him occasionally but can not be at his level. He knows that over the yrs I have felt left out. We have not been there for each others EN for many yrs. We are extremely attracted to each other physically and that has never been a problem. His first EA was 2 yrs ago 6 months after his mother died-counselor said it was related to her death-he was always trying to help her. She died 2 yrs after his father left her for another women---after 45 years of marriage. They are not close. I hope that someone here can give me some hope. I just got off the phone with him(he called me)I told him that we needed to live together to work this out and he didn't want to talk on the phone. We are getting together tomorrow night so he wants to talk then. I told him I am a changed women. I cooked dinner for him this week-he loved it. I never cook. So I am really working Plan A.He has seen the change in me and has heard of my new understanding of his needs. I just don't know how this will work if he isn't here living. I do worry that with him gone he has more opportunity to start another EA or PA!! H.elp