Thank you again BA,TYK,believer- He is meeting the OW right now. I met him this morning for coffee and he is so convinced this will help him by doing it in person- This is all so confusing to me. He said he will call me and he is planning on coming over for dinner tonight.

He told me today that he is so messed up in his thinking he doesn't understand why he needs these "friendships" with other women--he loves me so much. He knows that I can not continue on this way and he is worried that I will end us, find someone else if he doesn't get himself together.

I really don't know how some of you here can put on these 2 faces day in and day out. It is so draining-trying to be in a perfect plan A when with the WS and falling apart when not together-that is me. It seems so fake but I do understand that this will help him see that I can meet his needs and be the wife he loves. I feel like I am making progress and I am hopeful but wow it is hard.

One day at a time-I will post again to get some feedback after his meeting-how honest do you think he will be? I told him she will probley beg and cry and he said he didn't care. It is done, will be done.

Thank you-thank you thank you - I will say it again I don't know what I would have done without all of your help-and continued help.

LOL, he is going by the textbook. My WH met the OW in a hotel room to say "goodbye". He had to do it his way, get closure, be a man, blah, blah, blah. Needless to say, contact continued.

We are now divorced and he wants to get back together. But I am so DONE with him I can hardly stand to hear his voice.

Hope that doesn't happen to you.

Plan on continued contact.

See, if he really wanted to guard his relationship with you, he would make you feel safe. He would send her a no contact letter that you approved saying it was a mistake, it's over, and he loves you.

Instead he will tell her that he is sorry, he doesn't want to hurt her, what they had was beautiful, blah, blah, blah, leading her on, instead of ENDING the affair.

Why can't he say those things and STILL END THE AFFAIR? That is what he says he is doing. Is that not possible? I don't get it. Can't he be sorry for her and mean that and end it? And want to work it out with me and love me??????

Hi Liaz

There are two ways to end an A.

Slow and fast.

Fast is 'I was bad and we must not have any further contact'
Slow is "I don't want to hurt you but I can't leave my wife so we have to stop seeing each other'.

See the difference? Slow can last years depending on how determined OP is.

The A will eventually end either way.

But with slow you could run out of patience first.

Ok so the H met with the OW to break it off. He had told her he would help her move a piece of equipment and as I posted above he wanted to do it in person-felt it was what he needed to do. Wow..he does not see that as a mistake.

I tried calling him 4 hrs AFTER his meeting-no answer--I called again 45 min later--no answer. He called me back and was angry that I called him because "didn't I say I would call you??"I asked how did it go? (dumb I know) he replied what do you think. I asked if she cried and tried to change his mind and he said she cried and asked if they could still work out together. He started crying after I asked him why was she crying? did you sleep with her?? He got very angry and said NO! He was supposed to come over that night and of course I asked him to and he said no. He wanted to be alone.

He has said all along that this was not a PA but a EA. But my god why the tears from both of them?? I am sick and I feel like I can not go on with this any longer. He moved out Nov. 10th after I found out about his EA long distance with old girlfriend. So a few weeks later he starts this up with a new one. All the while saying he is messed up and doesn't know what to do with me!!!

We have a MC appt.(the first) this Wed. I will see what happens but I feel like this may be time for me to go to plan B- He sent me a text this morning-saying I hope you have a good day and I replied the same to him. No phone calls and I am not calling him.

Oh I almost forgot. After the call yesterday he called me back a few hrs later and was so angry he could not get into his cell phone bill on line to pay----because I got into it to find out about this OW last week. It was locked. Too bad.

Does anyone have any thoughts or advise for me?? How much are we supposed to take in plan A? For me it has been since Nov. and I am losing it. Thank you!

I see why I have had no response to my post as of yet. I reread my posts and I sound like an idiot. Of course I am in complete denial of what is really happening..several A's over the last few years and me asking why. BECAUSE I have not met his needs DUH..hello is anyone home here-I guess I am answering my own questions and it will ultimately be up to me to carry on in plan A or not. Maybe I have not given this enough time..but seriously I am weak. H is weak.

Has anyone- VETS? had a similar experience?

liaz...

you can without a doubt get a divorce and be done with this...

OR

you can make an internal commitment to yourself that you will try to plan A...really really well with no expectations.....

if you proceed with a divorce right now you will still be emeshed in the emotional drama...

so you could try plan A for three months with an exact end date to go to plan B....and emotionally free yourself from the drama even while plan Aing....

and then file ....

knowing you really tried...to show and create what the vision of a real marriage is...

that's what I would do...

blow him away with plan A...

things have been the same for so long beause your reaction to the affairs has always been the same....
why not shake him up a bit...
get his attention
think outside the box..

what is it you don't understand about plan a...

ARK

Thank you ARK. I will continue plan A. I am really doing pretty good at it-I think. I told him last night (he called me) that I was joining a gym, that I needed the social aspect of it instead of the solitary way I have been working out. He said "Oh yes you will get attention there" referring to other men-I am thinking GOOD! He can think about that.

I guess I'm not sure how to really shake him up other than this excellent plan A that I have not done in the past with his other EA/PA.

Any suggestions how to get his attention? I know that he is really attracted to me and that has never been a problem but I have just lost 15 lbs(because of all this) and he is really noticing-complementing me all the time.

I'd like to shake him up even more so any ideas would be welcome.

Thanks again.

liaz, I'm glad you're getting stronger, but you need to focus on non-physical aspects of your relationship. If you want him back, work on yourself. Learn to like yourself better, learn to feel you deserve better than just accepting what he is willing to give.

THEN, tell him you want him back, but on YOUR terms. Insist you start working on MB concepts together, counseling, etc., from a position of strength. I promise you, that new you will be an even more attractive you than the new 15 pounds lighter one.

My H seems to coming around and then it seems no. We have been spending time together and he slept over 2 nights ago. He has made comments that he knows I am trying and that he just doesn't know, he says he is scared that things will just go back to the way they were before.

I asked him yesterday what he did during the day and he really didn't answer me-I was at work. I had called him and he was on his phone-he didn't interupt his phone call to take my call-I called him back a few min later and said I tried to call you- you were on the phone-he said he was talking to his friend about going out to dinner. But he didn't think he would go-didn't have any money. This was in the afternoon-he asked me what I was doing that night- I replied getting a movie. he said well "I'll call you around 6, maybe we can get together"

He called me at 6:30 and said he had a movie-can he come over? I replied yes. He showed up at 7, made some food and then wanted sf. OK I'm thinking plan A. Give him what he needs. He stayed until 9:30. Today we are meeting to go for a run then a hike--these are his important EN's. I am doing the best I can. But....I have a feeling that he met with the OW yesterday before coming to me..Maybe he is NOT in NC.

I want to trust him and believe he is wanting to work this out but he is not being totally open and honest with me.
Do I ask?? About the possible contact with the OW? I do NOT want to LB but I need to know what is going on. I have a strong feeling.

Any suggestions? Do I not bring up this OW? Do I not question him or voice my concerns? I hope someone will respond before I go meet him this morning--Thank you so much.

Assume he IS in contact with the OW. Otherwise you will get your hopes up and they may be dashed. Just meet his needs for time together, and don't question him.

Now is the time to show him that you are the attractive choice.

And you only have to do this for a set time period - 3 months is good, and then there is another plan. Set a date in your head so it will be bearable. Tell yourself you will continue Plan A until St. Patrick's Day or whatever.

I will assume there is contact still. I'm just not sure about the time frame. he moved out Nov 10. It has been about 3 months already. We have another MC appt. Tues. I feel like he may be cake eating at this point and I feel sick about this.

He really does not talk much to me about his feelings or his life for that matter. It seems like I am his friend that he needs to have SF with and I am meeting some of his needs. Because of the seperation it has been so hard to meet his needs and show him with my actions the changes in me.

I suppose I should be encouraged with the time he is spending with me but knowing he is also(MOST LIKELY) spending time with OW kills me inside. At times I just feel like saying I cannot do this anymore. Normal feelings I'm sure. Thank you believer for answering my post and I will take your advise and not question him. Do you think another 2 months is reasonable for plan A?

How long have you been doing a good, solid Plan A?

I'm a little confused. Do I have different rules in my mind? Is she supposed to be having him expose the affair? Or does that not happen because he's not staying with her? How is this supposed to work?

Catperson - You are exactly right. Thanks for catching that. A big part of Plan A is EXPOSURE. The affair needs to be exposed to his family, her family, friends, and anyone else that has influence.

That's what I thought. He is suffering no consequences and having to own up to nothing! Not to mention, he's likely still seeing the OW. I wouldn't be doing crap for him in that situation, if he were my husband.

Honey, go back and read the rules. You have to hold him accountable and make him promise to own up to it. You will never be able to move forward without the exposure. Why should he? Heck, you're still giving him sex, and he's done nothing to earn it.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I so appreciate it. I have been in plan A for almost 2 months. Exposure has been done. OW is not married. Today at our MC my H stated that we were seperated and he didn't even know if he wanted to stay married..so it is ok??? not so bad???? Horrible to me. I have not asked any questions of this A. trying hard to not LB!! But....help.

I had my first counseling appt. tonight alone with a different counselor. It blew me away!!! I feel so sad. I explained that H has had several EA's & A's and he told me that he doesn't think H will change!!!!!!!!!!! Could this be true? OF course he explained why and said I was blaming myself..not my fault...I explained that I feel that if I meet his needs maybe it wouldn't happen again. He said it was highly unlikely. He has a pattern over the years and I have allowed this to go on. I need to become strong and know that I deserve better..to be loved and cared for..that I have been abused!!! WTF??? What about plan A?

Can anyone help me? Anyone have this situation and made it? Had a better marriage? The C said I should ask questions at our next MC "do you think H can stop? He wants me to see him weekly and continue with MC with H too. He wants to help me become strong so that I can face that this marriage is likely over.

Help>>>>>>>>>>

My WW and I met with Michelle Weiner-Davis (author of Divorce Remedy) for 2 days a few months ago, and she said that individual counseling is the number one predictor of divorce. She said that because of an ICs training, they simply try to help patients be strong and move to a point/place in their lives where they will be happy. If your marriage is causing you to be unhappy, then it would stand to reason that the IC would direct you away from it.

ok that makes sense but I can't help but think that there may be hope and he really made me feel like I was in denial!!

Can there be hope for us?