Swing Dancer,

I thought I wasn't wanted here either, but look!

I thought you had some really good points to me. I did comment to you back in your thread that got locked that I hoped you were getting IC for your past abuse, it just sounded like it was at the root of some of your issues. I want you to succeed.

My opinion, for whatever it's worth, is that you came on really strong in your first post and were not willing to listen to what others said and back down on some of the things others found offensive. This board is mostly advice/support for hurting BSs, and those of us that aren't hurting BSs need to be respectful of their needs here. It took me a while to realize that.


Hi star*fish! I need help from all types. I'm a equal opportunity advice-taker. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I wasn't aware that anyone was trying to control Maggie starfish...Interesting perception of yours...

Maggie said:


I believe that is what was being done for Maggie...

Mrs. W

Hi MM--

I just wanted to say hi and say that I am glad to see another recovering WW on here. Sometimes I feel a little lonely on here... since the vast majority are all BS's.

I am jealous that your husband wants to work on things though. Mine doesn't so much anymore, and my M is quickly slipping through my fingers. I am having a bad day and feeling very despondent about the state of our marriage right now. Sometimes I just don't feel like there is any light at the end of the tunnel. And I know that we can't "fix" this alone, neither one of us can... but before it was just him working on fixing things, and now it is just me... we can't seem to pull it together and do it together. And no matter what I try or say... nothing changes his mind to put in even a SMIDGEN of effort to see what things COULD be if we both tried.

I do agree that Plan A'ing the BS is a good idea. I have seen what I think is progress with that, but we seem to have backsliding at LEAST once weekly-- and bad backsliding.

WS that are out of the fog need support and help too. We may have "caused" this mess ourselves, but that doesn't mean that it is any easier to get through. I have good days (yesterday) and bad days (today).

Hang in there MM... you sound like you are well on the road to recovery...

RIM

Yeah, that's why I thought she'd like to understand the agendas of folks who try to control who she posts to as well. I think it's important to offer some of the positive things about everybody....those being criticized, as well as those doing the criticizing, because I think everybody's just wants to help. I was hoping give a more balanced perspective and encourage everyone. She's new, so I know she doesn't really know everybody yet....and I wanted to encourage her to feel free to listen to her own heart. You're free to try and influence who she listens to of course, but I still hope she'll judge for herself after getting to know people here.

starfish...

I would not be so insulting to Maggie to presume that I could control who she chooses to listen to-nor would I wish to control her-that ain't my gig...Maggie has said and proven that she is intelligent enough to control her own domain...I believe her...

Mrs. W

I believe her too....that's why I let her know how much I appreciate how she's handled it. You know, I think everybody has something valuable to contribute to the forum....you, me, LA, SD...everybody.

There are posts on this thread that belittle and discredit other posters. Is that to ensure Maggie ignores them? The purpose/agenda of those posts seems fairly transparent....an effort to control who she listens to. I'm glad that Maggie hasn't let that sway her. I like that....because sometimes, it's really hard to understand all this drama/history/intrigue between posters when you don't know anybody, you need help, and you're new.

Maggie was encouraged to put people on ignore! (not because they were harrassing her...but because some people thought they were unworthy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> ) People like LA? Isn't that an "agenda"? yikes....why? LA is wonderful and as dedicated as anyone I know.


Yeah, "be advised" SD is an adulterer. She sure is.

You were once an adulterer too....a really foggy one. Now you're an asset to this board because you were a WS! You learned, and you have so much to share as a FORMER wayward. Anybody can earn "former" status. Why are you better than any other adulterer? Maybe everybody else is trying as hard as you are to leave that wayward life behind them and help others do the same. They might not be as far along as you are, or they might have a different style....but isn't that okay?

Maggie, Wow.. What a difference a day makes!

Star*fish...You Rock! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Swingdancer, Please stick around...

So I'm hearing Maggie is the Magster of her own destiny.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

BWAAAAAHAAAAAAAAA! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I am appreciative of everyone here. Every board/forum has its dynamics, and I do appreciate people's concerns, but I'm really trying to weed drama out of my life. Internet drama is like a gateway drug to real-life drama.

ok, everybody sing along with me,

KUMBAYA MY LORD, KUM-BAY-YA! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

*star bringing marshmallows and chocolate*

Maggie....I'm of the opinion that the VERY BEST Plan A there ever could be (the one all BSs dream of) is one that the WS is willing to do (instead of them). When somebody betrays you, and then you come here....and people tell you that you've got to do all the work for recovery because your WS is so foggy.....it feels so unfair!! I would have been so happy if my WH had been able to work with me.....most of them aren't. I think your H will appreciate it....but be sure that he doesn't take you for granted because you all still have to fix the affair dynamics that created the incompatibility in the first place.

Now that the affair is over....it will take both of you do that. He's hurt, and probably feels like he deserves some TLC. He's right, but make sure you help him to rebuild the strengths of the marriage so it's not vulnerable anymore.

*smile*

Agreed Starfish - that is why she was encouraged to start her own thread and be in control of her own destiny.


That is a distorted convoluted bunch of crap Starfish. She was never that I saw told to put anyone on ignore was she? Except SD? or BumAdvisor probably but certainly not LA who you seem to have your knickers in a twist about.

Starfish,

I will gladly engage with you on another thread if you'd like...I have no problem at all with that in fact...You don't intimidate me by bringing up my past-and you do so LOVE to do that to me...I have been VERY open, honest, transparent and repentant about my past here...I have returned to my one and only marriage and am very happy...SwingDancer and I ARE different...SwingDancer is engaged to be married to one of her adultery partners...She's all set to enter happily into an affairage...She's even said on this thread that she is glad that she is divorced from her BS...Gimme a break Starfish...There is NOT a parallel between myself and SwingDancer...

As far as LA...Well let's just say you don't know all that you think you do...You should ask her about that...

Mrs. W

P.S. So sorry to Maggie about this ridiculous threadjack...Starfish, start a new thread if you wish to address this further...

Hi Maggie:

I'm giggling as you describe the EN questionnaire. Usually guys love to fill it out, because we're really list oriented (check off 'talk to wife about work 2x/day', and 'pick up dirty clothes'---I'm gonna score tonight!!!), while women usually hate it (they just want to 'talk about' the issues).

I've seen the Hindenburg effect with these questionnaires. Have you done "Lovebusters" first---it's usually the most important one to do. If you haven't, see if you can get your husband to do it, to give you an area or two where you need to work (this is for HIS benefit). Then---score a session with Steve or Jenn and talk with them. They'll want to talk to your husband, to see how you're doing with this.

And before you know it---you'll be in coaching together.

This plan usually works well---I'd give it a try.

Great advice from K Maggie...How do you feel about giving Steve or Jennifer a call for guidance? Guraranteed money well spent!

Mrs. W

Good advice K and Mrs. W. I think DH should probably see some more changes from me before he feels willing to try MC again.

I'll do the LB questionnaire with him tonight. I'm the list person in our house, H hates that stuff.

Before the hindenburg of SF talk ruined the conversation, I did find out that H has a much much greater need for affection than I thought. I think I am going to focus on that need right now and just forget about SF for the time being. He knows I had the affair for SF, and his SF questionnaire was full of little qualifying notes in the margins like, "I know this is what you want." I dont want him to enthusiastically SF just because I want to. I want him to want it for himself. So I'm going to focus on affection.

Today I'm going to clean his office for him (I'm the organizer/designer, he's the clutter bug) and make him some christmas gifts. These are the kinds of things he sees as meeting his affection needs. That I do little things for him that don't cost money.

Also, I'm going on wellbutrin today. I just recently weaned off of lexapro. The lexapro gave me alcohol cravings and I gained almost 40 pounds in less than a year on it. I also think it attributed to my "i don't care mentality" which helped fuel the A.

The wellbutrin is supposed to help me lose weight, feel less groggy during the day, and quit smoking. I hope it works!

Maggie...

Yep Wellbutrin is a good one-my best friend reps that drug! Good Luck! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If you haven't read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman you might get a lot out of it~~~> Click Here

Mrs. W

guys, I want to ask you a favor.

I've been doing something really dumb even since NC, and I know it will keep the fog rolling in unless I stop.

One night during the affair when OM was really high on pills and I was worried about what he was up to, I got him to give me the passwords for his VM and email.

I check them, multiple times a day. I found a "backdoor" number to his VM network so he has no idea I am checking it. This is how I found out he was sleeping with men. He is also sleeping with a much, much older woman (she sounds like she is in her 60s!) to use her car and take her prescription pain meds.

My H knows I've been doing this, and I think he's just been quietly hoping I would stop torturing myself.

It's very disrespectful to my H. It's continuing my angry blaming fog on OM.

So, I submit here that I will not do it again. If I slip, I have to confess it here, which will be very embarrassing for me after making the statement that I won't do it.

Will you hold me accountable, please?

MM, here's am idea... use your thread to let go of your anger. And if you slip, I'll certainly be happy to give you the 2x4 routine. (I’ll just imagine that you’re my WW, that way we all get something out of it).
All kidding aside, I really respect and appreciate your postings. As a BS that is still in the blizzard, it helps me to know that the fog can be overcome.

Now for the serious stuff... is it possible that your H is threatened by your checking on the OM, be it in anger or not.

Let’s make a deal... I don't give up hope and you don't give up either, and we keep each other in check. (I'm sire others will be glad to join in).

Keep giving it your all!!

MM,

You hit on a great use for MB as a public forum...accountability. You choosing to take advantage of it insures that many will hold you accountable.

Including me. We're in your corner...and that's an awesome choice to make, because it IS contact...knowing about OM in any way is contact. Same for hearing about him from others, like your neighbors.

So, make sure you're well exposed with those who may pass on information to you about him...goes further to protect your boundary, 'k?

LA