your thoughts & prayers are greatly appreciated.

Been married 16yrs, three wonderful teens. At year 5 dh had an afair, moved out for just over 2 months, devastated me. He moved home said he was greatful that I didn't give up on him. I let the whole thing fade into the background. Had no reason ever to expect anything.

This past spring things became quiet between the two of us. Uncomfortably so... end of May he says the famous "don't love you anymore, don't know if I ever really did", not leaving because of her, haven't been happy for sometime now..blah, blah.

Little background here- never fight, never call each other names, never raise voices or treat each other with disrespect. Pretty good marriage if i do say so, ok... a little lacking in the bedroom, he'd like it all the time. In fact during his "on my way out speech" said he was a nympho.

I was devestated... some days though I thought I'd be ok, I'd come along way in 11 years, earned a BS. Anyway, I begged and pleaded time and again for him to change his mind. He couldn't believe I would want him to come back after doing what he'd done. I said I didn't care, I was better with him than without, I could forgive and move on.

Well this went on for 7 weeks. He came bome, we spent a lot of alone time together, a lot of weekend trips just the two of us... lots of intimacy, I'd come to understand that it was for the two of us to enjoy, not just him. It was great.

School year started, things got busy, he started talking to OW in the middle of Oct... a week before Thanksgiving he said it wasn't working, he'd tried and he just doesn't love me the way a husband should love his wife. I cried some more, said we didn't do enough "work" that it needed more time, how could you do this just before the holidays, he said he wouldn't go anywhere until after the holidays. Well he doesn't have a "plan".

I asked him if she's invited him to stay he says no, but he's pretty sure if he needs a place she'll let him. We surely can't afford a place for him to stay. It makes me ill. She's been with more married men than just mine. I told him he's "better than that", he just shakes his head no. I said she'll hurt you, he says he probably deserves it.

What no one understands is he really IS a decent guy, it seems like something creeps in and takes over his body every once in awhile. He's still so very caring towards me, and I can honestly see that when I'm hurt it hurts him. I know he didn't plan on hurting me, it just happened, he is making the choice to continue seeing her and it disgusts me, but I still want him home. Some days I can get it in my head that I'll be ok without him, I'll be ok without the grouchieness he has when driving or trying to fix something etc.

I won't however be ok without his financial support, so that makes me sad and mad and i worry about the kids and i being put out of our house, not being warm or going hungry.

ugh... I just don't know what to do. I do show him love, he knows I love him. I've probably been pretty pathetic the past two days, but Christmas is coming and he is going.

thanks if you made it this far, any advice?

Time to go into an excellent Plan A. You can read all about it here. It is showing him what a wonderful wife you can be with no disrespectful judgements or angry outbursts.

You can QUIT begging, crying and pleading with him too.

Have you exposed the affair to kids, his parents, yours, friends?

I think I've been following a Plan A right from the beginning from what I can tell/what I've been reading.

I've never been disrespectful or judgemental, never had angry outbursts.

Most everyone (kids, family, closest friends) know that he is once again seeing the "troll" he saw during the summer. she isn't married any longer, actually cheated on her husband and vise versa.

I posted that I cry, beg and plead, but it's more I just get so sad and the tears just fall, can't help but think he's throwing away a 16yr marriage for a skank... no I don't call her these names in his presents, though I'd like to.

Off to find more info about Plan A.
Thanks

Statistics are in your favor. Chances are excellent that hubby will return to the marriage.

It's good you don't call her a skank in his presence. He would just defend the skank.

Read about Plan A, but also read the Harley stuff about marriages in general. I recommend His Needs, Her Needs and Surviving an Affair. You can learn about emotional needs and maybe figure out which of his you weren't meeting. I'm sure you have some that he wasn't meeting, either, but your needs go on the shelf for the time being.

Like believer asked, have you exposed? Is it a workplace affair? Exposure is your best tool to break up the affair, and no recovery can take place until the affair stops.


This is the Fog of Adultery. He is now your Wayward Husband, not your husband. Don't expect him to be the same person, to make rational decisions, to be sensitive to your needs. Better to think of him as a drug addict or an alien who has possessed your husband.

Sorry you have to be here, but you've come to the right place.

SS - Change the H and W role and your story as well as timeline is almost the same. I found out about the EA at the end of May, did some MC and things looked like they were getting better until she dropped on me at the beginning of Nov. that she had become physical with the OM and did know if your marriage could work. Same line about after Christmas, same lack of plan (She bought a sofa from a neighbor and doesn't have an apartment yet). I've only been posting for about two weeks now, and the amount of help you get is incredible. I also use it board as my personal journal which helps me out.

Don’t give up hope even if some days it will seem that there is not much of it there. When I feel hopeless I come here and read about some of the successes of which there are plenty.

Is it the same OW that he had an affair with 11 years ago? Why did he come back to you after moving out for two months? How are they in touch again after 11 years?

I am asking these question because it seems that you could have done someting to "distance" these two. You should definately consider moving IF he ever comes back again.

Serenity,

I am so sorry you are here and in pain. I truly understand the pain and feel it very often. Please know that people on here will come and give you some of the greatest help you could possibly get. They are warm and caring and understand what is happening.

Sometimes they ask you to do things that are out of your comfort zone. Do them, they know that they say. They walked before us.

I will add you to my prayer list and my hope for you is that you find peace with G-d through this time. He is your strength and faith. I am not there yet, but learning that daily.

Warmly,
Queenie

Serenity,

Sorry you and your family are dealing with this. As SD suggested, do some reading on the books SD recommended, take the EN questionnaire (once as you and 2nd time as him), contact Steve H @ MB for some phone counseling or find an MC in your area familiar with MB concepts.

Need to get you on a plan. Steve w/b great even though he costs a pretty penny, he is definitely worth it.

As for the OW and Ws, well..... they are both sickos. You want your H back not the WS.

How are the children? Is the OW a co-worker, gold digger? What do you know about the OW?

L.

Here's a good place to start reading about Plan A (and Plan B, for that matter)

Best of luck to you!
~MrStrype
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Serenity,

If I may...

""He's still so very caring towards me, and I can honestly see that when I'm hurt it hurts him. I know he didn't plan on hurting me, it just happened, he is making the choice to continue seeing her and it disgusts me,""

I think you should look deeper at this. Read this a number of times. Your dear H is not what he seems. I detect crocodile tears here.

HE IS MAKING THE CHOICE TO CONTINUE SEEING HER!!! He is a fence sitting cake-eater.

Plan A'ing to a cake-eating fence sitter does not work if the, dare we say, "serial cheater", is comfortable with, nay reveling in the sitch.

He disguises and blurs his actions by becoming hurt when he sees he is hurting you. BUT THEN HE DOES IT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!! I say that is BULLPOOP.

Plan A is not working because it plays right into his having it BOTH WAYS...WITH NO CONSEQUENCES.

Shoot, he can do this indefinitely, smirking as he heads out the door to her.

Plan B is in order..or some big D papers arriving at his door might wake him up.

IMHO

kirk

Serenity,

I have to agree with Krusht, your WH is cake eating. If you are going to continue with plan A, IMO it should be of short duration. I would also suggest, while you are in plan A, start preparing yourself for Plan B financially. If he leaves you, he still has financial obligations to his family and you will need to insure that he fulfills them. How he finances his next residence is not your concern, do not allow him to take resources from you and your children.

Right now, he is having some needs met by OW and some by you. Once you are no longer available to meet those needs (plan B) OW will either meet them or they will go unmet. This will put a strain on their R and help hasten the end of the A.

I am sorry that this is happening to you. It is tough enough to go go thru, but worse at the holidays.

(((((Serenity))))))

Who

Oh, no, this isn't the same OW he was with 11 years ago... we've since relocated. This is some dumb ho who came into the bar and cried in her beer and he listened and then she listened to him. I hate it because they grew up in the same town and I didn't, they can talk about things from the past that I can talk about with him, but we do have 16+ years together.

Hoping for more,
SS

Christmas eve, we had a conversation. I told him to never for any reason bring her around here, he promised he wouldn't. We talked about other things. She still hasn't asked him to move in, I'm sure he would have already packed if she had. And he can't afford to live anywhere else. What I don't understand is how to go along with a Plan A, but not allow him to be a cake-eater, as some have referred to him as. I can't stop him from spending the night over there. And if I call him on it when he does come home that just seems like it would cause LB's. This is just so confusing... and here I thought I was the only one with such a wonderful WH who regardless of how this turns out wants to remain friends LOL!! It's amazing to read that lots of WS's use the same lines as my WH did. I'm so glad I found this MB! I'm sure it will help me to stay sane.

Pray for me... his family is all coming for Christmas, tomorrow. His mom knows he's involved again, and so does one B and SIL... the oldest brother doesn't, yet.

I just want someone to knock some sense into him!!!

SS

Maybe it is time for a plan B if he is still boinking her.

I've just started learing about Plan A. I want to win him back, out affair her. Plus I found out her mom is not happy with what she is doing ;-)

He still lives at home, from what I understand Plan B doesn't work that way, and I'm NOT going to kick him out. What does that say to him, fine go have fun. Plus he could use that later "well you kicked me out" or to the kids "your mom kicked me out".

I don't feel it's time for plan B... anyone else?

SS

So Christmas with his mom, and two brothers and their wives and kids went fine. Both SILs and Mom know he is seeing her again. Right now they are very supportive, but from what I've seen others talk about, that could easily change, so I won't count on them.

I'm almost positive he won't be home tonight ;-( I'll have to get up alone tomorrow and go to work with an aching heart!

OK... heading to study up on Plan B I guess.

any suggestions from those who've been around longer??

Thanks,
SS

That's some "best friend". That one will have to be removed from your life.

I say that you try a short Plan A, and then it will be Plan B.

Does the OW have any children?

yes, the OW has two elementary aged kids. Ours are teens. I so hope things don't go well over there. I hope she hates his snoring, I hope she has bad morning breath, I hope her kids drive him nuts. I hope she argues and yells and swears.

That is very typical - buying gifts. Don't worry, he will get sick of her kids quickly. It is probably better that he move in with her quickly so the fantasy will come to a screeching halt.