Tell him that YOU are not giving up on your marriage...

SS

Sorry I haven't posted to you in a couple of days. My boys have been hogging the computer while they take over the ancient world (some computer game called Total War) but I don't mind because YS and OS only get to hang out when OS is home from college.

You are doing great-even though it doesn't feel like it. We all have melt downs, and doubts, and we all experience the roller-coaster of emotions that go along with trying to survive an A. Keep coming here with your rants, your fears, your questions.

You are in good company here-with folks who understand the searing pain of an A. The folks here at MB helped me when I thought I was losing my mind and they supported me when I didn't really have anyone else to turn to. My family was supportive, but they couldn't truly understand-because they haven't been in these shoes (and I wouldn't wish them on anyone).

(((SS)))

ok, I won't give up on Plan A... please Mr. Mailman bring me my books today!!!

Snow day, will be sitting in, relaxing ;-)

No surprises here... he didn't come home after he got off work this morning ;-(

We chatted online for a long time. I can see how he IS trying to make this easier for me. But I'm not giving up and I said that to him AGAIN.

Did any of you BSs ever feel like your WS was depressed and did it turn out to be so? Are there ever any husbands who do seek treatment for depression or all they all in denial about it being something that CAN happen to men?

I think my H's depression was the impetus for his affair. The OW was his antidepressant and he became addicted to her. The MBers' approach views an affair as an ADDICTION and it certainly was true for MY HUSBAND. The OW was able to provide an INSTANT HIGH for him. He even USED to say that she SAVED HIS LIFE..when he was suicidal..YUCK...

So when does he usually come home after pulling this?

Ouch, that must hurt. I just see something VERY wrong with this picture here that he spend a night at home the following night at OW's place, even if you're doing Plan A.

There must be more that she can do. Any more vets with some insight or advice?

There is NOTHING WRONG! This is TYPICAL! The WS is typically in contact with the OP during PLAN A. That's the POINT of PLAN A!!

Serenity...stay the course...

I guess I'm considered A VET..5 year DD Anniversary TODAY! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Sorry, mimi. I edited my post to add the word "more." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi SS...just wanted you to know I read your post and will be cheering you on. I cannot imagine how hard this must be for you-watching him cake-eat. Our sitch was a little different, and I don't think want2stay would have put up with that much from me.

Everything the vets are telling you is true...all us WSs spew the same crap. Like I told TMTS last night, I still cannot make sense of where my head was during that time. But the fact that he is not gone, and is not being verbally cruel (most of the time) should help you to do a good Plan A for a short time at least.

So sorry you are here...but you are in good hands with believer and mimi, among others!

mimi, he'd come home after he's slept for awhile, "to see the kids"... doesn't really spend time with them though, he's supposed to take DD to basketball practice, but it might be cancelled due to snow, so if he doesn't come home for that he'll be by at some point for clothes, i don't think he has a change of them over there yet.

last night while chatting he did mention something about a spare room at BFs house, he thought he might move there... i would be happier about that, but others on here have said moving in with troll would make things end quicker between the two... oh i just don't know... off to read a book and enjoy the snow day...

i really do appreciate the support and feedback for ALL of YOU!!! thank you, thank you!!!

SS

I found this to be very helpful. I would read this over and over again.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showflat.php?Number=405303

Have you asked him to come home?

I wouldn't encourage the idea of him moving in with her.

It certainly may happen..but FIRST THINGS FIRST.

During PLAN A, it's your job to ask him to come home.

That's how you can do THE BEST PLAN A...

My H EVENTUALLY left and EVENTUALLY moved in with the OW..but it was well after MY PLAN A..so when he did move in with her, HE MISSED ME..That's your goal. You want to create POSITIVE MEMORIES of you during this time. His last memories of you prior to PLAN B need to me UTTERLY POSITIVE.

thank you mimi... i had read that one before, and was actually searching for it earlier to re-read... I copied pasted saved and printed it this time. thank you!

Serenity,

I suspect he isn't moving in with her because there is some reason he hasn't spoke about.

I wonder about HER reason for his not moving in over there. You talked about her sleeping with OM, and you believe she is divorced now? Are you sure that divorce is final, or is it a legal separation, and if your H moved in it would be some violation, or affect her settlement, etc.?

Or maybe, there is an Other-OtherMan?

If she is promiscuous, there are many possibilities here. It might pay for you to snoop a little on the OW and find out for sure. Sometimes what the WS tells you cannot be trusted, especially about the marital status of the OP.

Double-check it to be sure, and expose to her husband if you find out that they are not fully divorced. Threaten HER income if possible (if the divorce isn't final), it might make for fireworks in affair-land. Also, if the divorce decree makes for a change in finances if he moves in, this might be why she doesn't want your H to make that move, and it might help if you let her ex-husband know about your H hanging out there.....again, throw that bomb if you have it.

There's a post called the carrot and the stick of plan A, you should read it for some good pointers. Plan A isn't all about goodness and then allowing yourself to get walked on. You have to stand your ground some, too. Look on Pepperband's notable posts thread for it.



SB

ok, OW was married and they both cheated on each other. he died about a year ago from cancer. so that can't be the reason he isn't moving in right now. I was re-reading some email from my WH from the middle of Nov, he admits that moving in with her this summer was wrong and he has no "intention" of doing that "any time soon" I hate those words!!!

Anyway he showed up to clear the driveway, stayed for a tiny bit... I did tell him I'd like him to be at home with us and I did mention that it hurts me when he goes over there, and it hurts not knowing when he'd be coming home... HE DIDN"T SAY anything!!! grrrrr!!

at some point he must have taken clothes over there or had a change in his car, because he wasn't wearing what he left for work in yesterday evening. oh well.

Surviving an Affair came in the mail today... going to fix supper and then veg out reading it for the evening. yippee big NY plans, ick!!!

SS

OR sounding like the classic-cakeeater..he's lying to you..really moving in..and not wanting to tell you..in order to keep the peace with you... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

this has been the worst year of my life! I never in my life imagined I would be going through this. I honestly believed that if something like this were to happen I'd have no problem telling him to hit the road and don't look back. But NO instead I'm pathetic... stupid and would still take him back! ugh!! He comes and goes as he pleases, never letting me know before hand what his plans are. I still love the dumb fool! What does that say about me?! This kind of treatment SHOULD be illegal!

On my limited knowledge of this, I always said the same thing. Instead of looking at it as a fault that you haven't told him to hit the road. Look at it as G-d's will is working in your life. G-d loves M and hates D. Standing for your M and doing what is full of integrity, pain, growth and FAITH is an amazing gift you are giving yourself and your children.

If more people were like US, I believe there would be less A. As Mimi says to me over and over again, CHEST OUT, HEAD UP. Be proud of what you are doing. It's the way G-d wants you to walk through this. You will be an inspiration to many who follow in our footsteps and you are gaining insight and knowledge to pass on to others on here one day.

There is a scripture that either JT or Mark gave me about the sacrificing ourself for the bigger good. And I do believe there is good on the other side of this.

It says you are an amazing woman with a HUGE capacity to love in circumstances that are beyond horrific and that G-d has FAITH in you because he knows what you are CAPABLE of.

I am not sure if that's possible, but it should be harder for marriages to break up and then, possibly then we would all try harder.

We all thought we would be done with them if they cheated. In fact, I threw my husband out on D-day. Only people who have gone through this understand.

And you will never regret that you did your very best to save your marriage.

How are you thinking that enabling/controlling applies to YOUR SITUATION?

SS,

I have people who tell me the same thing, but those who truly love me understand why I'm doing this. Believer says it all. You are doing what is right for you, and no one should take that away from you.

You are doing what you can to save your M and no one can fault you for that.

All the best