mimi... I don't have a clue, I don't think I have a clue anyway... I was wondering if I'm enabling him to continue his affair.

He showed up around 3ish, dd had called and asked him about two dvds, he said he'd bring them by. I think he would have stopped in anyway, to get a change of clothes.

So I was reading SAA and he played games on the pc. Then went upstairs for a bit. I believe I filled lots of EN without being grossly attentive.

At one point he was picking out clothes, to shower and change into, he said he needed a basket so he could do his own laundry, because he didn't expect me to continue doing it. I said (probably shouldn't have) "why can't you do it over there? (not in a negative tone or anything, very normal conversation style) He said "because I'm not allowed to touch the washing machine." OK strange... I dropped it, I bet it's one of her things right now making him feel comfortable like he doesn't have to lift a hand to do house work or anything... not like he ever did much around here! Anyway!

He stuck around for supper. Earlier he had mentioned something about maybe taking the kids sledding if they have a snow day tomorrow. I waited til we were all eating and said "hey wait a minute, you guys don't have sleds, how are you going to take them sledding unless you go out and buy some?" LOL knowing full well he was probably going to take along skanks two kids and use their sleds. It took him by surprise then he said "well I'm not going to spend alot to get sleds." I really, really, really!!!!! can I say that again I really really don't want my kids and her kids together! I don't even want my kids to meet her. I've said some not nice things about this OW to them, so they already have a negative thought towards her. Granted if we do D and he eventually marries someone else I would expect the kids to respect her, but not this trashy, bar hopping, homewrecker, who knew he was MARRIED! before she got involved with him. (yes I blame WH too, but I HATE her).

Ok enough ranting. I actually "felt" ok today! And darn it! I'm going to feel good tomorrow too ;-)

SS

Hi SS,

Glad to hear your feeling good. Keep it up.

Please bare with me. I continue to appreciate the support, advise, suggestions.

I'm wondering if any of you WSs, FWSs, vets, etc... have gone through this, or had these feelings, did they last, is it fog, or am I freaking out!

I've gone through folders of pictures and found many occasions that brought memories of DH being grouchy, not happy, me feeling on edge and tense. I guess I'm having doubts that plan A is good enough to bring him home. Plan B from what I understand is no contact, I don't like that. We can't remain friends if that's the case. I know friends don't betray friends like he has, but right now that's beside the point. I could see us remaining friends and enjoying certain outings or occasions together with the kids. Because of his work schedule the past few years I've gotten used to going to sleep alone, A LOT. Did you, do you ever think it would cause less heart ache to give in at this point. I've always loved the good parts of him, and I've always believed marriage was for life. Now I'm just confused, maybe in the fog as well... I don't know.

Comments??

Speaking for myself, if my H had not returned I would not have been HIS FRIEND.

I was very clear that I would have nothing else to do with him.

My kids are grown. it would have been simple.

To me, MARRIAGE is a special relationship. GOD put my H and I together. Yes, my H is MY FRIEND but much, much more. Would you just CHOOSE to be just friends with your MOTHER or your FATHER. A man and woman leave their parents and go into their marriage FOR LIFE.

No, PLAN A may not result in the reconciliation of your marriage. It probably will require PLAN A and then PLAN B...but FOR ME...I was willing TO WORK these PLANS to the best of MY ABILITY to restore MY MARRIAGE because I BELIEVE in MARRIAGE and I believed in MARRIAGEBUILDERS.

And if the MBers Plans did not result in the Recovery of our marriage, I knew that I could walk away with my head held high, having known that I did all that I personally could do.

I wasn't willing to settle for the CRUMBS of FRIENDSHIP. I was/am HIS WIFE..a DIAMOND not a piece of glass..deserving a FEAST..not his crumbs...

Start by working on your self-esteem..believing in YOURSELF..not settling for the crumbs that he wants to hand out to you...

SS,

My whole stitch started out asking the same question, so yes I can say that I had the exact same feelings/questions about a month ago.

The message I got back is that these feelings and emotions are normal, and there is no understanding someone under the influence of the fog. Give yourself a hug knowing that what you are experiencing is not crazy.

Now I'm also too new to make comments on Plan a or B, but if you read some of the links under the vets name (especially Marks musings) you will get a better idea of the true purpose of Plan A and B.

Sorry I can't tell you anything that would really help you, but know that if we hang in there we could be the next generation of vets helping people like ourselves and letting people know how recovery is going. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

When was the last time you did something for yourself? I find that a good run helps me.

Serenity,

I can only implore you to soak up everything Mimi is telling you and keep asking questions when you need to clarify. She understands what you are going through and understands what this is all about.

I too am working on my self-esteem. As she did from the beginning. Read her threads and you will see from what she says is unbelievable wisdom, knowledge and guidance.

I find a good beating of the Cowboys on national tv helps me. LOL

oh,you are soooo bad!!! skinsgal ;-p That's ok us NEW ENGLANDERS have the Patriots!!

TMTS- a run would be nice... but I don't own a pair of snow shoes! Another snowday here for the kids!! Poor ds is out shoveling again, his muscles will be huge by the end of winter ;-)

We are still married, he's still (as of last night) still wearing his wedding band. I really don't want my kids to meet this OW or her kids... is there ANY way I can stop this from happening without LBing??

What part of the country are you in? We got a bunch of snow yesterday.

AGREED. You should go to GREAT LENGTHS to keep this from happening. What makes you concerned about this NOW? Has he said something about this? How old are your kids?

They are 13, 14 & 15. He mentioned something one night while we were chatting online about them meeting her "at some point in the future". They say they don't want to have anything to do with her or her little kids. But that's to me, they might feel differently if he were to ask, or bribe or whatever.

I was soooo mad this afternoon. Kids had another snow day. I didn't have to go in until noon, but even then I had a hard time getting out of the drive. 14yo came out and helped me dig out enough... WH came by later with a friends plow to clear the driveway, but geesh I guess I should make arrangements with someone I can count on to do it so I don't miss work or make the kids late to school one of these days. I thought about saying something about that in an email but decided it'd probably be LBs, so for now I'm not mentioning it. He missed DD game, jerk!! Wonder what was more important...he's always said his kids come first, well he's not proving that.

I've felt horrible/sad all day ;-(

tmts... we're up north=New England

I know exactly how they feel. I was that 14 year old, and didn't want anything to do with the OW. After a month and a half my M made my B and I go visit him. All I remember from that weekend is me sitting on the sofa not saying a word, and my brother beating up on her, pretending he was playing. SS the sad part is that it took my situation with my WW to finally come to grips with the anger and pain I had repressed. Keep a close eye on their feelings as they grow up. 25 years of caring pain is too long and was a factor in intimacy in my M.

He will realize what he did to his kids, and he will hurt over it. Unfortunately, he'll need to realize that in his own time.

Your kids will always see you as a hero in all of this, and will look to protect you from any more pain. I still see my M as my hero. I hope that brings you some comfort.

;-) yes that brings me comfort. And not to make light of this whole A issue... but I see them treating me with more respect and love right now, and maybe I'll be so lucky as to have them skip all the negatives that come with being a teenager... I could only hope ;-) We've actually been really lucky so far, they've been great kids, hard workers in school, do lots of work around the house (because it's always been required). I truly have been blest with three great kids!!

Did you all see Dr. Harley actually posted on one of the other boards. I think it was the relationship after divorce board, great thread ;-)

What did you say to this?



Support THEIR CHOICE not to visit with HER and HER KIDS. You should do all in your POWER to keep your children away from such EVILNESS. So begin TALKING to them about this...so your WH cannot BRIBE them. Say; "Do not let your father BRIBE you"; if that's what you are thinking he will do. Say: "I support you not going to visit with them. It is WRONG!" Thankfully, they are old enough to have a say and to take care of themselves.

You were speaking about ENABLING yesterday. It is ENABLING to CONDONE his wrongness. That's not what PLAN A is about. It's OK to SPEAK OUT about how what he is doing is WRONG and UNACCEPTABLE to you. It's HOW you do it..not WHAT you say.



Asking him to HELP you and to take care of his family is NOT LOVEBUSTING..YELLING and SCREAMING at him is..

I get the sense that you do not openly express your wants and concerns and then let the anger build up inside of you. There's a difference between speaking out truthfully and assertively and yelling and screaming.



Getting the FIX from the OW is what's most important to a wayward...Sorry... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

When he mentioned something about the kids eventually meeting OW I did not respond, I think I changed the subject or just ignored the comment.

I've never yelled or screamed at him. I was surely pissed when me and my daughter were out there digging the van out at noon. I am considering calling his bestfriends dad, letting him know that WH is once again staying the night at OW house and I can't count on him to plow when it snows, would he please do it, and I'd pay him whatever it costs regular customers, but then I thought that gets WH off the hook and gives him more time to be with OW, possibly enabling?

I used to yell and scream at the kids... but about five years ago I saw myself turning into my mother, I didn't want my kids to have the kind of memories I have, so I made a change!


Yes I hold in my wants and concerns, always have. Yes it builds anger, but it eventually goes away.

UGH, I just want this to end!! I'm wracking my brain searching all over the internet to come up with some way to end the affair. I don't know her mother, but I guess she isn't thrilled with the situation, if i could talk to her and tell her how hard I'm trying to save my marriage, that might be a bit of help, but I don't know her.

Well I sent him an email saying "you said over and over againg you wouldn't move in with her, yet you are staying there most of the time... we still have a lot to work on"
he emailed back, "i'm not moving in with her, haven't found a place yet, don't want to sleep at home with you giving you false hope, will be home to talk tomorrow"

I emailed his mom letting her know that I'm fighting for my marriage, I haven't given up etc.

I emailed his bestfriend stating the same, plus mentioning that the OW's mother isn't too happy about the situation and that I wished others felt the same... hint, hint.

I'm sick of everyone looking the other way!! This is the biggest fight of my life, I should have help! And so far no one has stepped up and said to him "this isn't right" UGH!!!

I'm doing lots of praying, please pray for us, for him to leave her completely and for our marriage to be restored.

Thank you.

SS,

My prayers are with both of you. HAng in there.

Tomorrow he is likely gonna try to convince you to go along with all of this.

Maintain your fight and your position.

That FALSE HOPE crap is standard WS script. I heard it, too.

Regardless of what he says, maintain your desire for him to come home. Tell him that is what you want...that you are STRONG enough to handle it...

thank you mimi and tmts, I went to bed feeling low, but woke up feeling high. It's amazing this roller coaster of emotions. Today I feel so much better, ah I did fall asleep praying ;-) that's probably while I feel better today.

Gettin' ready for work, hope everyone has a nice day!

SS

The day went great.

Talked to WH face to face for about 15 minutes, ended up crying of course. We needed to talk finances, plus he picked up a few groceries that DS told him we needed.

WH is looking for some place to stay, he doesn't (supposidly) want to move in with her, but he doesn't want to sleep here giving me false hope. I was going to offer the family room or couch but decided not to as of now, because then I go back to believing things are good, yet he'll still be "going out" whenever he wants, not that he was ever not allowed to go out, but it would be right in my face. He is still wearing his wedding band. I know I'm going to have major heartbreak when/if he takes it off. Last time he was out of the house for about two weeks then I noticed he wasn't wearing it anymore. UGH don't understand why I still love him so much... after so many lies and betrayals.

mimi and anyone else... so offering him to stay here even if it's on the couch, me and the kids knowing full well what he is going out for every night? I think that doesn't help when it comes to teaching the kids, not that him staying elsewhere right now is teaching them anything good. It's such a hard thing on one hand if he was here I know he wouldn't be at her house, but on the other he's still going to come and go as he pleases so what difference does it make? What a complicated mess!!