Hi Soon,

Oh man, this one is tough. You know how I dealt with it and it was not good. I think it may be too soon to expect the kids to even want to have anything to do with him. I didn't want to see my F for months, and I really did care if I did see him or not. Be the great mom you are!

Also keep in mind that until he takes responsibility for his actions and makes efforts to connect there will not be much you will be able to do. The problem he has is that no matter what he tries to tell them they will only understand that he abandoned them. If he does not come back it may take years for them to have a semi normal relationship, if they even can. (I know others don't necessarily agree, but I speak from experience on this one). Even if he does it will not be easy. Bottom line Soon is that you can only be there for them, and stay connected to them. Don't leave them out of the loop because if they don't know the truth of what is happening they will make their own conclusions which will involve blaming themselves. Don’t shut them out.

My prayers are with you and them!!
((((((((SOON)))))))))
Ok you got me crying now...what I just out down brought back my feelings at the time. See 25 years and I still hurt. WSs dont get it. If you can ever get him to read anything here, make sure he reads this one.

(((TMTS)))

sorry to bring up old hurts! ugh... I just wish the'd get a clue and quit being so selfish!!

Thanks for responding, I guess I'm rushing things... I know I couldn't go very long without seeing and talking to the kids, I don't know how he justifies it to himself.

With the kids it's not about the selfishness it's all about the guilt. He knows that he can't rationalize this with them, kids don't take to fog babble very well and they tend to see right through it, and call them on it. So the first time he does try, be ready because depending on your kids it may get pretty ugly. But you know what don't try to stop them from telling him exactly hoe they feel, it is not your job to rescue him from them, he has allot to answer for and needs to man up to that.

In terms of justifying it to himself, he can't, but he is afraid to say anything about why he left. They think that the kids will adjust and be ok. Well I'll tell you they adjust, but they are not ok, they carry that hurt with them. This is the person that has been their mentor and protector for all their lives, now they feel like they are not good enough, they are going through every time they mad daddy mad and wonder if that is why. Yes it is not rational, but that’s how kids think.

If you can get them into counseling down the road it may help. But right now it's too early, they won't hear a thing they say because there is just too much pain and anger.

They will get closer to you, and will try to protect you (Especially your son). He's the one I'm most worried about because he is now the man of the house and the only man in the house. Keep a close eye on him.

((((Serenity))))

Long time no see girl...where you been hiding yourself?? Do you not love us any more???

Seriously, I wish I had advice concerning him and the kids, but alas I don't. Heck, I am having the same issue. When he left, he told the kids any time they need him all the have to do is call. He would answer day or night. Well, so far he has only answered once..and hasn't answered 10 times. And he hes cancelled plans too. I don't know what to do about this either. I can say it is a MAJOR LB for me when he does this crap.

I told my dad about this and he said that WS will wake up one day and see the damage he has done. I don't think there is much to be done about this. I know at this point if I were to say anything it would come out bad,,,LB's big time. I think this situation falls under the "we can't educate them" senerio. It just sucks, because it is one way to treat us like this, but the kids???? Not to mention our mother bear insticts kick in and we want to protect them.

Anyway, glad to see you are doing well and don;t be such a stranger....lol

not2fun

((not)) It breaks my heart that WS is going to realized when it's too late, that it's too late! I'm not one to rub in the whole I told you so crap, but I'll be thinking it!! What a shame!


I'm hoping some WSs and Vets will answer my kid questions as well.


Hey ((TMTS)) thank you so much for your "been there" input, I am watching/listening to son closely.


I'm not posting as much anymore because I realized that "this mess" has obsessed me. I'm backing off and putting energy into brighter activities. That and I'm working 40hrs aweek, which is real new to me, but I love my position. I miss my messageboard pals though.

Serenity,
I'm so sorry their dad is acting like this. It just breaks your heart I know, but at their age he's right, they want to be on the computer. As is the case with my 16yr old!

Have you asked them how they feel about it when their Dad blows them off? Maybe talking to you will help sort out any of their emotions and you can find out what THEY need from HIM.

True, you can't control your WH on this issue, but I think it is worth bringing up. Have you asked him why he doesn't try harder? Giving up with children is NOT an option in my book. He is the adult and should act like one, not put it off on the kids as their problem. Ugh, I just hate hearing what sounds like to me as a cop-out so he won't feel any guilt.


I hear ya about getting a break from the board. It's great to have when you need it, but shouldn't be too consuming.
~Free

SS,

I agree with a lot of what TMTS is telling you here.

When my husband was gone, I knew that one of the biggest consequences to his A would be the devastation of his relationship with them. He had been a good dad, a loving dad, a fun dad, an involved dad, and a disciplinarian. He was truly needed in our home.

BUT because he CHOSE to leave, he was also choosing to become a part-time dad. He was choosing to not have a say in their day-to-day lives. He was choosing to not be here for them. It really didn't matter what I told my kids (ages 17, 13, 11, 9, and 7), they knew the truth. Dad didn't want to be there with them. OUCH! No matter how many times you tell them it has nothing to do with them, the truth is...IT DOES! It has everything to do with them, and they know it. No, they didn't cause it. It has everything to do with them because it affects every part of their lives now and forever. And they know that their daddy has a CHOICE and is CHOOSING to NOT be there. There's no way to fix that hurt for them, as much as we want to. And if we try, we usually prevent WS from having consequences that are CRITICAL to becoming defogged.

As much as we want to take our children's hurt away, it isn't our job. It's the job of the WS to heal that relationship, but first they have to SEE the damage to know how much work they have.

My advice to you, which is the same advice I followed:

Tell them the truth (if you haven't already). I told my kids that their dad has a girlfriend and has chosen to leave his family. I told them that daddy loved them, but that he was entrenched in sin and blinded by it, that he could not yet see the devastation he was causing to us. I told them we needed to pray for daddy that we will really SEE. I alos told them that I loved daddy, and IF he would become willing to do what is necessary, I want him to come home.

I didn't try to mend their relationship, make things seem less horrible than they were, or prod him to be with them more. I was there to hold them when they cried, to reassure them that no matter what, we would feel joy again one day, to rise up and be strong so they didn't worry about me, and to PLAY with them and hang out with them. You are responsible for your relationship with your children. He is responsible for his relationship with them.

One more thing, I felt THE MOST IMPORTANT task I had regarding my children was teaching them that sin is sin, no matter who commits it. Just because it's their dad making these bad choices, doesn't mean that it is now OK to leave your family, have an OW, and divorce. We had been diligent in teaching our children about Godly marriage, and his actions were in total contradiction to what they had known their whole lives. I didn't want the understanding of this TRUTH to waiver because he was lost in sin.

I'm not sure of your religious beliefs, but I'm sure mine are apparent. Nonetheless, even if you are not a Christian, wrong is still wrong, even if it's daddy doing it.

Be open and honest and love them through their pain.

So this is what I said, "You've always been a really good dad to the kids. They've never known you NOT to be around. We've almost always had supper together. I'm concerned about the relationship you and the kids have and will have. It makes me sad, I know it's 'your' relationship with them, but I love them so that's why it concerns me." He said, "At this age it should concern you, I know the few minutes I spend in the car with them isn't enough. I know I haven't spent enough time with them, I am trying to talk to each of them every day now and I'm going to try to spend more time with them."

It turned out to be a VERY good conversation. I was so worried that he'd take it the wrong way! WHEW!!

Now 14yr girl and I were talking and I said you all should show some sort of emotion and don't be afraid to. If you are mad say so, if you are sad say so, and let us know WHY? as a matter of fact let us know when you are happy and grateful and what it is you are grateful for." She practically yelled at me as she was getting out of the vehicle, "I'm grateful that you still love us." I said "hey, he still loves you, I'm not sticking up for him, but I know he does." She then says, "Well I'm grateful you still show us you love us." AMAZING!!! She was grouping herself with her siblings!! I loved it. The I said the reason he doesn't talk to you about it is that he's probably pretty embarassed, she said "Well that's his fault he shouldn't be with someone who is so 'fugly'," She was on the way upstairs now, I yelled for her to come back, I said "so that means if she was beautiful it would be ok?" She said no, I said "he's embarassed because he knows that what he's doing isn't right, and he's not sure how to talk to you."

I'd love to think that they're going to be OK, but there's so much "proof," "studies" out there that says different. He of course says he could probably find just about as much information to counter the negatives, but I haven't found anything yet, I might ask him to see what he can come up with.

Oh Soon,

She could be my brother and I. You handled that real well IMO. This is really what will help them most, being there for them to talk to and vent. Trying to get this fixed with them until they are adults will be tough. But stay close to them and encourage IC as soon as they feel they could use it, mention it as they grow up but don't push it. Don't let them do the same mistake I did and not deal with it because until they do the pain will stay.

SS, you sure sound like a GREAT mom and wife!!!

I love how you explained to your children w/out being disrespectful to their dad...something that takes WORK.

I've had these same discussions. My DD15 is on it. DS13 is still having trouble wrapping his emotions around it so he bottles it up.

You are doing the right thing! If WH doesn't spend the time investing in their upbringing and growth, you NEED to. I'm doing the same thing, even though I'm only home on the weekends. I can fill up their Love Banks in a few short hours, compared to her measly deposits during the whole week... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Again, cheers to YOU, SS <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

L2F

SS,

Be careful that you do not make excuses for him. Your children need to know that there is ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE for your husband leaving his family....leaving them. NONE!

You can reflect their feelings back to them. I did that so I wouldn't say "the wrong thing".

"I understand you feel angry/hurt/sad."

"I can see that you are /hurting/angry/sad."

There is nothing you can say to CONVINCE them that their daddy still loves them. His actions speak louder than your words. And the only action that PROVES his love for them is giving up OW and coming home where THEY INSTICTIVELY KNOW he belongs.

I did tell my kids, "Daddy still loves you." But their responses made me realize that those words meant nothing anymore and that saying them usually just told them their feelings about the situation weren't right. Then I started telling them, "Daddy loves you the best he can right now. It doesn't feel like love because he is blinded by his sin, but he DOES love you."

I also told them that one day Daddy would be devastated and horrified about what he has done. That let them know that the man they know and love is in there somewhere, but that the man the see right now really isn't the same person. They already knew he was a different person. I just affirmed what they already felt in their hearts. They KNEW it COULDN'T be the same man.

Talk about sin, talk about right and wrong choices and consequences affecting other people sometimes in huge ways. Take this as an opportunity to help your children form a conscience.

Bottom line for them, "No matter how much we love Daddy and Daddy loves us, his actions are wrong and are hurting us terribly."

You can't make this all "feel good". Nothing about it feels good. Their lives, their family, everything they have known and believed are crashing down around them.

How would you feel if someone told you, "Your husband still loves you." Wouldn't that sound INSANE. Why? Because his actions prove otherwise. It really is the same for them. He is abandoning them, whether he chats with them everyday or not. He is relinquishing his place in the home and therefore, giving up his place of influence with them


Edited to correct a word omission.

Soon,

What SMB explains I experienced first hand and she could not heve explianed it better. His actions will hurt them for a long time, just be there to comfort them.

I don't get on much but thought I'd add my .02 worth.

a theme I haven't seen on these pages in a while is hte addictive nature of A's. "Love is a Drug" is true.

Think of the WS as a drug addict and the OP is their drug of choice right now. They know it's not good for them, they know they are destroying their lives, but they will lie to themselves and everyone around them to keep getting the fix. An addict thinks only of themselves, their own pain, their own guilt, their own fix. They will alienate themselves from people they feel guilty around and surround themselves with people who allow them to continue their lifestyle. They will burn up their money, reputation, health, etc. to keep their drug.

Protect yourself, your health, your emotions, your finances from them. They are incapable of honest emotions right now. Do not trust their words or actions.

When faced with a an addict, it is important to set firm boundaries so they don't start sucking you in and taking from you...

Eventually this is what Plan B will do for you, protect you from their addiction and allow them to get to the point where they've had enough...

As far as the kids. You told your DD it was OK to feel what she feels about her dad, then you argued with her and made excuses for him...and she wasn't even talking about him...leave him out of the conversation unless they ask direct questions of you about him. Do NOT try to defend him to your children, they are too smart for that.

So I avoided what could have been MAJOR LBs today... to start off as I'm taking the kids to school, "warthog" drives by dropping her two off at daycare! I know where the daycare is, really close to our home, but I've never actually seen her there, so this SUCKED!!!!

Had a meeting in another town, and knew that there was a church with "perpetual" Eucharistic Adoration, well I pull into the parking lot and called to see if I could go in, the woman said no ;-(

He was getting some groceries with the kids and we were chatting on the phone (when I was coming back from above mentioned town) and I'm sure something he said makes something else he said a couple weeks ago a MAJOR lie! But I avoided calling him on it, for now.

Then on the way home I went by the restraunt that WH took whatsherface to just before Christmas, I knew the name of the place from the credit card bill, I just didn't know where it was or anything, it looked REALLY nice ;-(

So needless to say today SUCKED! but I was able to cool down, chill out before I saw him for daughters game. He knows nothing of the horrible day I had. (he did surprise me by buying a bottle of wine for me while he was getting groceries.)

This is his weekend to work, so I probably won't see him at all ;-(

Hi Soon,

Sorry you had a tough day. Hey do youself a favour and keep away from these places, you only cause yourself more pain. I know it's hard, so when you get the urge come here and vent about it.

(((((SOON & KIDS))))) Prayers to you all...

ugghhhh instead of TGIF, it's TGIM! 'Cause I'm so busy at work I don't have a lot of time to obsess. I can't wait until tomorrow morning! How are people patient enough to outwait their WSs sometimes for more than a year??? jeesh! This is so frustrating!!!

Amen, SS.....I'm only 6 1/2 weeks in and it seems like I'll never make it!!! Keep believing.....best of luck to you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

well i got a voice mail from him today to say he finished our taxes.

tm'd him once and he responded appropriately.

from what I understand he isn't spending superbowl with DS! That pisses me off!!!

middle DD won't tell him how she really feels because (I think) she's afraid he'll take away her cell phone! I hate that!!! Because boy is she mad at him!!

tomorrow afternoon we're going together to middleDD game out of town, that'll be a bit different.

I hate letting him think I'm "ok" when really I'm an obsessed, messageboard reading, internet searching, book reading freak, loosing her mind over him!!!
I'm not even sure how I'm supposed to act around him.

Calm, collected, sure of yourself, and mildly aloof in a flirty/could care less way. Another words, you can be happy with him or without him. Because you can.

That's what I'm thinking.

ugh, but (whiney voice here) haven't you heard people say well "if he/she had fought for me"... I wonder if he thinks I'm fine with him being gone. How do I let him know I'm not, without seeming pathetic at the same time?