Lol....




I'm not sure what you're trying to say here. But if I heard someone try to tell me I wasn't worth much because some cheater left me, I'd be upset.

If someone doesn't fight for you, it just may mean that THEY are not necessarily the sharpest crayon in the box.

And I personally believe that the ones who have the affairs are not as mature as others.

Waywards don't fight to get off the drug. You have to take it away from them. Once they no longer have on their fog glasses and no longer addicted, they'll see what they almost lost. Sometimes it takes some longer than others. At this point, they usually have to work hard to make things right again. That's when they fight for the marriage.



First of all, you do want him to think you are fine. You need to show him your strength and courage. He needs to know that you can be happy without him if it comes to that. You can let him know you love and WANT him, but that you don't NEED him.

I think I was misunderstood. I've heard WSs say "if he/she had fought for me, I would have come back." So what I was meaning is, I don't want him thinking I've given up on him. Not that it matters at this point anyway.



Thank you! Thank you!!! for the reminder. I need to write this down, make a bookmark out of it or something... gotta get this memorized and STUCK in my head!!

So DD texted him and woke him up (12:30), he works nights, I told her she needed to be careful about that... She raised her voice at me and said "well if he was sleeping here, I would know that he was sleeping!!" Darn, she's got a point there ;-) well I went and repeated that to him, he didn't seem to care one way or the other FOGs THICK! So to be honest I told DD that I had mentioned that to him and she said to me (SHOCK) "Great, now he's going to think I want him to come home." Wow, I didn't know she felt like that. Later I appologized and said I'm not used to keeping things from him, but I will try really hard not to repeat stuff anymore!

Soon,

Your DDs reaction is perfectly normal. I had the same reaction when my M decided to take my f back. At that age there is much more anger than pain (Don't get me wrong, she's in allot of pain, but it's all manifested as anger).

From her perspective, her hero, mentor, protector cares more about some hag than he does her, you or her siblings. So now that the initial shock and self blame is over, she is going to be mad for a long time. Is there a way you could get them into counseling, even if it's through school. I suppressed the pain for years, and even after the anger had gone away the pain stayed there for years.

Does the school know? This is important, My B and I never showed any kind of pain or anger in front of our M, and it was all at school. My DD has told me that she has cried at school, but she is in anger stage as well now.

Keep being the wonderful M you are and be there to listen.
It's all you can really do because anything you try to teach her right now won’t get through.

(((((Soon and Kids))))) Let them know they have fans here that are praying for them...

Just ANOTHER WS justification. He wants you to think all of this is your fault. You are trying to fight for your marriage right now. Neither one of you had the MB tools before and it's hard to fight for a marriage when you don't know what's wrong in the first place. Now you probably know what went wrong and how to fix it.

It breaks my heart to see the children in pain as well. I really wish those stupid waywards had a friggin clue what there absence does to kids.

Maybe to avoid the calling late at night thing, maybe WS can give her a time she can call him up to.

{{{{{SS}}}}}}

((((Serenity)))))

I am so with you on the year thing sweetie. I know I cannot last that long. No way, no how.

Anyway, my DD14 is having a realy hard time of it too. But she has just clammed up about it. But she is MOODY...almost like she had permanent PMS. I got her back into counseling now, so hopefully we can get her worked through this. Do you have yours in counseling???

Anyway, you know where to go to vent....and rage....

Keep your chin up deary...

Not2fun

no, counselings been offered, but they don't want to. I think I just need to spend more quality time with them, not discussing dad... doing somethig fun and perhaps do family therapy, just the four of us.

Hey SS--

I've been following along for a bit, and just wanted to comment quickly on something you said. I don't know how to do the fancy pants quote thing (every time I try, I end up with my entire post being marked as a "quote", so I just gave up). Anyways, you said "haven't you ever heard them say if he/she would have fought for me...".

OK-- so, there's a fine line between "fighting" for your marriage and becoming a desperate doormat (I'm not saying you ARE a desperate doormat, I'm just familiar with how easy it is to become one when you are "fighting" for your marriage because I know that for awhile I became a desperate doormat...). And desperation is not attractive to anyone...

Yes, you want to make it CLEAR to your H that you have made changes in yourself... and that you are willing to make those changes to have a stronger better marriage. And that YOU are an independent, interesting person with a lot to offer-- that won't stand for being walked all over.

Fighting for your H does not involve letting him walk on you or cake eat. It involves making it CLEAR that YOU'VE made the changed YOU need to, and that the M is a top priority for you-- but that YOU are a top priority for YOU too. Desperation is nowhere in there.

And I know all too well that feeling of being spineless when it comes to H... I am too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I wish I could say I wasn't.

RIM

Ok, major help needed! 2X4's maybe, I don't know. I guess i just need to keep hearing it over and over until I get it through my thick skull, whatever "it" is.

So I had an emergency to attend to out of town today. Comes with the job, doesn't happen often at all. Called WH to take DD to practice, he wasn't thrilled! HE HASN'T spent much time with them AT ALL!! and we even talked about this last week and he said he'd start doing better!!!!!

So by the time I got back to town, finished up paper work at the office and headed home I was MAD!! I called his cell phone, figuring he wouldn't answer and he didn't (showering getting ready for work at "her" house). I was upset and said if he had time to stop by before work because I'd like to yell at him for maybe 5 minutes. All along he's said he wishes I would just yell at him and be angry at him, but I haven't been able to! I don't know what it is!! I CAN'T show him my anger (which could be a good thing considering LB). Well he called as he was pulling into work, asking what was wrong. I said it's about the kids. We're taking our anger out on each other. He said if he could get away he'd come by so I could "yell" at him. Well that was two hours ago and I've calmed down now!

I've made myself a list of negative things about him to carry around in my pocket when I start feeling bad for myself and missing him and wishing for him to come back. Doesn't matter how bad it was, (which wasn't bad, sure he was grouchy a lot and has no patience, but that's not so bad). Anyway I know I still want him home!

He hasn't "moved in" with her, he's just staying there ALL the time! Sleeps there, gets his laundry done. He just has me soooo confused. I can't imagine this turning out to be anything of a long relationship, she's been with other married men, cheated on her husband etc... and HE (my WH) hasn't been faithful with her!! HA HA!! I'd love to tell her, but i"ve never talked to her, saw her driving once and had to do all I could not to ram her! UGH!!! Warthog! I wish she'd drop off the face of the earth!

Spend more time with your kids doing fun family things. No matter how angry you get, hubby isn't going to change.

And just keep repeating - the affair always ends, the affair always ends.

(((((Serenity)))))

It must be an "angry" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Day for us BS..I was angry too. Actually, I told MC and WS I was angry...actually, I believe my words were "I am so incredibly angry with him". Didn't help though, except to get me all worked up and upset, and looking like the fool in the office.

Oh well, but Hey I am proud of you for acknowledging your anger. WS is correct in that you aren't showing it enough, even though you really don't want to show it to him.

Anyway, hope you and kiddies are fairing well...and yes some fun family time is in order. I think I am going to do that this weekend with my kiddies as well. It's been awhile since we did anything fun and I think that is just what the DR. ordered.


not2fun

STRANGENESS....wh offered to take the kids to school this a.m., after he dropped them off he came back, here!?! weird. I was getting ready to leave had an appointment and then work, I was thinking he was either hanging around to ask how much money he could take this week, or to drop some sort of bomb on me, or perhaps waiting for me to ask him for a ride, because the eye doctor suggested it in a message they left yesterday and he heard it when he brought the kids in from school. Nope- told him I didn't "need" him to take me to my appointment. So off I went, off he left (I assumed to go to "warthogs" house to sleep) Then he called my cell to see how the appointment went, texted me, called again, then I answered and he said school was getting out early. Then he text again 2 more times, then asked if I could get the kids after school, because he'd like to sleep. I agreed to, he later called my cell AGAIN and thanked me for getting them so he could sleep. This evening he's texted me a couple of times too.... way to strange and too much contact for an evening that he's not working. I'd love to believe this means something in my favor, but I've decided that regardless I'm going to continue on the path of taking care of me and not "needing" him. I'm his lighthouse, but I'm not chasing after him.

laundry calls... I don't have a laundry "boy" like N2F does ;-p

((((Serenity)))))

Ya, keep your hands off my "laundry" boy..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ya I hate all of that too. You are doing good by not "expecting" anything. It's been those expectations that have gotten me where I am. And good for you for taking care of yourself. This is most important. So what are your big plans for the weekend???? Me, I don't know. I have to pick uo the inlaws tomorrow at the airport. WS asked me to do it, I just said I couldn't believe he was asking me to do that, so he said nevermind. Then he told his mom to find someone else to do it. She called me.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />..Well, I can't very well say no to my MIL when she has been such an angel to me through the years.

And I am also going to paint the hallway in the stairwell and the front foyer. And then play cards with the family tomorrow. Sunday we will go to church, then maybe I will take the kids to the Rec Plex (community center).

What are your big plans??? Something fun I hope....

not2fun

DD has a b-ball game so we'll go to that, then have cake and ice cream for DSs 16th B-day. I need to get back into my favorite past time, scrapbooking! And I have some work I can do this weekend and it will count towards hours for next week.

Oh and SUNDAY is the big game!! GO PATRIOTS!! going to watch that with DS and probably pig out ;-) other than that, hopefully the weekend will go by fast! LOL It seems like just yesterday I was saying TGIM boy the week flew by!!
Weekends are too hard for me, plus I LOVE MY JOB!!!

Hmmm where will your inlaws stay? How dare he ask you to pick them up!! Do they know what he's been doing??

My inlaws live here. They were in Hawaii for the last 2 weeks and are coming home tomorrow. My MIL knows what is going on, don't know/don't care if FIL knows. OMG...I forgot about the game on sunday. Jeezzzz, and I am a HUGE football fan. It just sucks that DDay happened in the middle of the season, and I kinda lost track of everything......and sorry, but its more like GO GIANTS....Eli is my future BIL ya know....lol

Hi ladies! Hope ya'll are hangin in there!

Hey Not, did ya like that friggin book I wrote you last night! hehehe...I have found you examples of PBLs so just let me know when you are ready to see them. BTW-our email address is [email]stillstaying@yahoo.com.[/email] If either of you ladies ever need anything-just let me know! And Sunday between church and Rec Plex, tell the kids. Seriously.

SS- sounds like you are feeling a little better about yourself. You are calm and cool, and he is starting to come back around. Just let him be, and don't try to talk him into or out of anything. Be your Goddess self and happy- smile alot! Have you told your children yet? I can't remember...if not, they need to be told immediately also.

Listen, I know where you are coming from. We have all been taught our whole lives that what happens between a married couple should stay between the married couple. But put yourself in the kids' shoes for a sec. They deserve the truth about their lives, no matter how mad it makes your Hs. This is not punishment for your Hs! It is exposing the truth to children whose fathers have abandoned them in the most selfish way. They need to know it isn't their fault, they need to know what to think, and that they can ask questions and speak their mind. Open that door for them before this does permanent damage to them.

I will pray for you both tonight...you ladies are so strong! I hope things turn around for both of you soon so that you can find the peace you deserve.

Hugs!

well I was up for a bit, now I'm down ;-( Talked to DD14, she's staying with a friend tonight. She saw dad at the video store, he was alone, but driving warthogs vehicle. She said they looked when he was pulling out and they didn't see anyone in the vehicle with him... but that right there made me sad to know he drives around in her hog mobile.

Yep kids knew back in June, we told them because other kids were finding out and we wanted to be the ones to tell them. He didn't come out and say he was screwing around on their mom, but they get the picture. They're actually pretty mad at him, but have trouble showing it... jeesh, just like mom!!

Ugh... going back to re-read "lighthouse" and the "negatives" list that I made about him ;-) Reminds me why would I want a guy like that in my life! DD14 doesn't want him to come home, she actually yelled at me one day "why would you even want him to come home" Boy that was rough, but then I woke up the next day thinking DUH!! He's such a negative nag! no wonder the kids don't mind that he isn't around... wish I was a smart as them ;-)

Ok... looking for my list!

Hey are we married to the same man??? Just kidding...do not get down, stay UP......think good thoughts and what it is you want to accomplish this weekend....

gotta run now..DD14 wants to watch a movie with me....

Sorry...LOL...warthog! I have to giggle-love the nickname!

Glad to hear your children know. I would definitely let them know you are working a specific plan to get him back home so that they don't see you as enabling an abuser. Your DD14 is already seeing this and asking questions. Ugh-this has to be soooo hard. I'm so sorry!

All 3 times that he moved out was to be this with same OW, right? You have been going through this for a long time now, and honestly, I don't see a whole lot of LBs on your part, because you are such a quiet person to begin with...What I am getting at is-how long do you want to continue Plan A? Are you OK to just wait for the A to die a natural death? It's great if that's the case, but I just want to be sure I know where you are coming from on this sicth.

What kind of exposure have you done on the warthog's side? Do you have all of her info...name, address, is she M?? Obviously you know what she looks like and her hogmobile!

I need to go back and re-read some of your thread, huh! I am getting forgetful in my old age (among other reasons...hehehe).

or I could always do a quick re-cap... the first time was when he was in military and it was with someone I never knew, these last two times it's been with warthog... she cheated on her husband and her husband slept with her sister, it was ugly, then he died of cancer...4mos after that she started hitting on my WS! AND another married man. She's assured my WS that she doesn't want to see the OOM anymore. HA! She has two younger kids. I know of no one on her side to expose to... WS said her mother wasn't thrilled with what she was doing, but I don't know her mother.

You are right, I'm not one to LB... neither is he, until this crap! I've got plenty of plan A left in me, I just keep reminding myself that most affairs end, and if I keep being the lighthouse, when it dies or when something happens between the two of them, he'll hopefully come back and agree to WORKING!

we emailed each other yesterday and I explained how I wasn't going to put any more pressure on him to see the kids... and I reminded him that I loved him and he wrote this back "I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU COULD, I DON'T
COMPREHEND HOW YOU COULD EVER LOOK AT ME WITH LOVE
LIKE YOU DESERVE TO HAVE." And then he came home this morning and hung out as I was getting ready for work. He hasn't done that since he left over a month ago... so I was trying to decifer the fogbehavior! Mistake!!! could have meant nothing.

Oh, I don't know about that- it is OK to have hope, just not expectations (geez, where have I heard that before? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />). At least there is some semblance of civility on his part. You just keep Plan A-ing him when you can (without chasing him, like you said) and keep being your awesome self and he will come around! I hope sooner rather than later!

Thanks for the re-cap!