uhmmm...didn't he get you a bottle of wine for Vday???

(((Serenity)))

The lists have been very theraputic. I gets my feelings out there. What can I say??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />....I've kind of moved on to writing WS letters though...not ones that he will get though (maybe one day....way after recovery....but then again probably not, why bring up past hurts???). This was suggested to me from the beginning, but they tended to be long winded and I rambled on. Now that I am more focused, the letter writing seems to be going better. It is more like journaling, but in letter form addressed to him.

I wrote him a lot of letters when we were dating. Maybe I should do that again??? I did write him one on Vday (which I was quite proud of.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />).

So what kind of list are you looking for??? Mine were mostly "angry" lists. But like I said, it helped my organize my thoughts and emotions.

oh well....

yes, my WH got me a bottle of wine for Vday, but what I was mentioning was, didn't your WH want you to give up alcohol? He has other things he wants you to do right? My WH doesn't want anything from me... just leave him alone... I wish I had a list of things to work on, to show him that I was changing for the better, but he doesn't want me. I think I'm finally contemplating at least talking to a lawyer... they're in it for the bucks, but I'd like to pick his/her brain... see if there isn't some "reason" WH is doing things the way he is?

thinking about this whole mess this afternoon made me mad. You can preach all you want to your kids, but they learn what they live and at their age they aren't ever going to forget what he's done... adultry! action speak louder than words, it'll always be a part of them and I hate that!

Yes, I figured that was why you mentioned it. I am lucky in that yes I have a list (I thought that list was starting to make you and TMTS mad???... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />). I got the list 4 yrs ago. Actually it was a letter, but he took the things that were bothering him and put it in list form. Made it easier to see each point. According to him the list hasn't changed all that much. As far as him adding the little things, I really think its just a test for him to see what I will do. He has acknowledged that some things are negotiable.

Oh,,,,I DO think your WS want you. He wants you to leave him alone, but you and I and everyone else on here notices how he can't leave YOU alone... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />.

So are you saying you are not sure what his EN's are??? See for me, WS didn't know what EN's were when he wrote that. It was just some specific things he wanted me to change, with some ways to do it. Basically, I could take those, figure out which EN's those applied to, and do it. It also REALLY helps me, because I don't have to figure out how to meet the EN's. His given me specific instructions on what he is looking for.

I guess I am lucky in this sense. I don't have to go about this like a fish out of water....

anyway, how is the "fun" book coming along????

not2fun

Not2,And this is part of my logic in thinking your husband's affair is over.

SS,
Sorry for the tj.

You're right about the kids, BTW. More is caught than taught...

Mark

don't like how i'm feeling today. I just want this crap to stop. I want him home where he belongs. I'm feeling no support from ANYONE in our life. Yes we live in his part of the states. I'm sure if I had family here they'd be very supportive. Why does it feel like everyone around here is just blinded by his disgusting actions!?

I found our "lists" that we made for each other at the beginning of summer when he came home... but now I can't do any of that because he isn't here!

for you to be more open with your feelings.
for you to make breakfast more often.
for you to be more sensual/sexual
for you to dress more sexy sometimes
for you to come onto me sometimes... not all the time...
tell me a fantasy.. that we can try to make come true...
make sure the kids clean up better.
think of me with little things.. when you are out
TOUCH ME MORE!!!
tell me you love me... when it's not expected
try (hard) to have a meal together EVERY day... a meal.. doesn't have to be dinner.
watch tv together.
act foolish once in awhile.... keep it light

What would be the harm in sending this letter to OW? considering exposure on her isn't possible, she's single and no one to expose to, she does have two younger girls.

To OW,
If I don’t say anything, you go on living/thinking I don’t care, well I DO!! And so do our kids.

You knew he was married all along. I was sick and not meeting his needs, somehow you managed to do that and then when he did want to come home, you wouldn’t let go.

You have no clue as to how you hurt our family, our family has been torn apart by your illicit relationship with MY husband.

Have you considered what type of man you are now involved with? Sixteen years ago he stood in the presence of his family and friends and swore that he would be faithful to me until in death we parted. With your "help" he has since betrayed those vows. How can you be so infatuated with a man who is willing to break such a vow? How can you spend time with a man whom you know cannot be trusted? Do you think you are so special that he will never lie to you?

Because you are willing to spend time with MORE THAN ONE married man, then it is safe to assume that you might also be carrying an STD. Men can test positive yet still transmit it.

Can you imagine how deeply hurt our kids are when he fails to show up? Is your need for male companionship so strong that you are willing to destroy innocent lives to get what you need? How could you be in love with a man who is willing to allow his children to suffer so he can spend time with you? I wish you could see their tears as they try to understand why their dad is no longer living at home. They didn't ask for this and don't deserve it.

How would you feel if you were married and some woman took your husband away from you? Would you not feel betrayed? Would you not consider "the other woman" to be a tramp, one step above a common ******? This is exactly how people look at you right now.

It angers me that you can be so selfish and try to destroy something that does not belong to you.

You need to break off your relationship with Dana! I have no idea how a woman can live with herself knowing she has broken up a relationship between two other people.


SS


I would mail it to her house and not expect any sort of response from her, just maybe plant a seed or two in her pighead.

The OW doesn't care about you or your kids. That is the only problem. All the letter will do is let her feel she has more power in your marriage. Better to ignore her.

(((Serenity))))

Girl, NO PITY PARTIES....if I can't have one you can't have one.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'll be back in a minute to go over your list with you....there's actually alot on there you CAN do....

Not2fun

Ok Serenity....here we go..

on the first on...looks like he is looking for openness..and as you can see you are even having a hard time being open and honest about your feeling about his A...the key is not to do it with a LB attached to it (this is my MAJOR problem as well....). I wish I could give you some advice on how to solve this, hopefully some VET can help you with this...

lets see...lets group the breakfast and the meal into one grouping....do you NOT like to cook??? Actually, it sounds like he is looking for a recreational partner on this one or some quality time. I say that because in the second one he stated...lets have one meal TOGETHER... together being the key word...Now I know you have invited him to dinner on multiple occasions, keep that up. Why don't you try a new recipe? What his favorite food??? I have tons of good recipes, so I can help you in this area...Is he especially fond of breakfast food?? If so, I posted a good french toast recipe on the GODDESS thread. and you know there is nothing wrong with having breakfast for dinner.

Ok..now for the SF part...and man, does he have a lot of it....

Now I am of the mind you should NOT be having relations right now, and I posted why on your other thread...So how can we work on this without actually doing the deed???

Easy...when he comes over for one of your dinners, look a little sexy. Now I am not talking trampy dress with B's "special" shoes. You could wear some nice form-fitting jeans with a button down shirt, have an extra button undone. Or better yet, wear a cammi underneath it and leave it unbuttoned even more. Also, you could touch him in a understated yet "sexy" way. Say he is sitting down, you are up getting something or another, and one of the kiddies ask for the salt. You could lean across the table to pass it, making sure you brush him along the way...or when he comes in the door, get his coat and help dust the snow lightly off of his shoulder or head. Come on, you remember the moves...Oh yeah, here's a trick I've been doing...I've actually been making sure my A$$ is wiggling a little bit (don't want to be too obvious... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />) when I am walking, especially when he is behind me. I have seen that he has noticed that. Also, make sure you SMELL good. Dab a little of your perfume behind your ears and your cleavage...and DON'T forget the hair. There are lots of ways for us women to be sexual/sensual without actually having to do the deed.

As far as telling him a fantasy....write it in a letter. You could start it out as "I had a dream about you last night..." or "when I think of you and our future together, I dream/fantasize about....". I'll let you in on a little secret. When I wrote WS Vday letter it was all about my dreams for us. I started it out as remembering our past Vdays, our present one, and my dreams about the future one. One of the things I put in there was...I dream about being wrapped in your arms, showing and telling you how much I love you and how much you mean to me....
I know that letter had a MAJOR effect on him, and especially that line. Now, I do truly feel that way, so it wasn't a manipulative ploy, but you need to include some sexual content, even pg stuff....

and the act foolishly...sounds like he wants to have some fun with you. For you not to be so serious all the time (are you). Especially, not bringing up A and OP all the time. I think he would like to forget it, and I know that you can't, but it can't be all you two have in common. I know when I cracked a few jokes the other night, he really liked it.

Ok...any questions????? There are lots you can do on this list, even if he is not living with you. Just as I can. You and I are in the same boat when it comes to this....and Serenity....nobody is blinded by his actions. Sound like they don't want to be involved, because you know how well that helps.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> (my in-laws are the same way...they support me, do not like what he has done, but lets not about it, then it might go away or maybe it never happened.,.,,, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />))

not2fun

Put on the special shoes and look like a tramp. Then cook him breakfast.

LMAO.....ahhahhhahahahhahahah....can she borrow yours????

Well, that may work for her WS though, that may be his type. My WS would not like it. He's not an over-the-top type of guy. He likes his sensuality to be a little understated....you know, like you see it but it ain't glaring at you from the street corner.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />, but Serenities WS may like it a little more out there. Tell us Serenity, what does he like????

He's a more classy/consevative kind of guy...repeated this to me the other day when we were out shopping for Vday stuff for the kids...

That's nice to hear, Not2.

Sheesh, all of the men I've been around lately seem to prefer the more trashy stuff.

wow not2, you're great! I don't care to cook, because I don't care to eat ;-) And he's a big time eater! I'll keep inviting him. But even when we had plans to have one of his favorite meals he cancelled!

I did end up buy f-me heels this summer after he gave me that list and basically that's all they ended up being used for. I've never been one to walk around in them, but I am thinking of getting a more conservative pair and practice so I can wear them out and about.

I guess all along I've been the more conservative type, the more I've started learning about him he's more into trashieness or hot/sexy are probably a better word... which is kind of funny considering OW outweighs me by like at least 60 pounds.

yeah about the SF he'd do it all day everyday and probably out in public if he could get away with it.

I'm taking notes!!

Well, you know he is still interested and that is a big PLUS.

And "which is kind of funny considering OW outweighs me by like at least 60 pounds."

Wow. Is she trashy looking?

oh he's not blind to it...and I think he is attacted to it in a male sense, but it is more of a fleeting reaction for him. To get his juices flowing and KEEP em flowing her prefers the other....

I will say he does like the trashy stuff in the bedroom though... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />...more of a save-it-all-for-me kind of guy....
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

(((Serenity)))

Anything to help you get you H back. And you don't have to eat to like to cook. I like to cook, I just hate cleaning the mess up.

And yes, you need to practice walking in heels. I am lucky in that since I am only 5'3" I can do it because I have always had to wear them.

and just so you know,,,you can be conservative and alluring at the same time.....

anywho, just wanted to give you some tips to work with. I know how daunting it all seems and you think and what do I do with this, but once you really think about it, the idea's will start flowing.

OH I KNOW....that can be your list....things you can do/work on to fullfill this wish list....

not2fun

ps...like I said if you need any recipes, just holla....got a whole notebook full of them....does he like baked goods????

yes, he likes baked goods... he likes FOOD ;-)

I'm making myself a list and working on it!!

believer, no she doesn't look too trashy, but she's definately not hot! I really do think sometimes it's the "i'll save you" thing he has going with her... oh poor miserable her! wah! ugh, I just hope her other man shows up and WH catches her! I wish I knew who OM was. I just know that there was another one, just before A and during this summer when WH came home.

Maybe you can be the maiden in distress. Are you giving hubby lots of admiration?

how about a trashy maiden in distress.....LMAO.....B.. you kill me...and after a day like today...I could use the humor....