SS,

I think what you did was good...

You don't need to lie in order to win this war. Lying is what the infidels do. Don't lower yourself to their level.

As good as it would feel to do what Amazin suggested, it would not be very productive. What would likely happen is that warthog would run to your H and ask him about the family vacation he was planning with you. He would deny it, of course...But then he would see you as a liar and someone who would be dishonest for the reason of revenge. It would not be seen as fighting for him but against him. It would be seen by him as you trying to hurt him directly with an action that was intended solely for that purpose.

It would feel good....

It would be counterproductive, IME.

Others might disagree, but I would not see it as a loving act of trying to save the marriage if I were him, only as an act of vengeance.

JMO.

I think what you did was perfect!


Let OW make his life complicated. You make his life pleasant and something he desires. If he sees you as trying to make him miserable, he will see warthog as his salvation rather than you.

Exposure is good.

Just causing trouble by any means....not so good, IMO.

Mark

Mark has a good point too... You don't need to lie in order to win this war.

Hind sight is 20/20... "If I would have"... doesn't get you anything...

But I do firmly believe that if you're reading his emails and finding weak spots in the affair then you should use that information to your advantage... You don't have to be dishonest... Just let her own mistrusting lying mind go into overdrive and I think she'll self destruct ...

Yep, you're both right. After I read Marks post I was like duh! I have a hard time doing much if any lying-don't need to start now. I did tell DD I'd changed my mind please don't lie to dad about the library. I was wrong to tell you that you should lie. She said ok, but I don't have to tell him we saw her if he doesn't ask ;-) Yep! I know I need to be honest and strong to get through this AND be a better role model for the kids. I'm trin'

I think this was WONDERFUL!! This is EXPOSURE!! Didn't it FEEL GREAT?

I did stuff like this all the time and it made my H and the OW go into HIDING..out of SHAME...

And it caused HER to LOVEBUST...caused PROBLEMS in the LOVE NEST.. She couldn't understand why he was embarassed...and he couldn't understand why she was not... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I began to HOLD my HEAD UP HIGH and tell everybody that I could..rather than me being embarassed...

A regret I have is that I didn't tell HER BOSS..my H talked me out of it, saying that her boss didn't care.

SS,

So that you don't get left standing there with your mouth open trying to think of what to say when he brings up what happened at the library, think now about what you will say in response to his babbling.

This is the trick to reverse babble....Know what he is likely to say and think about possible responses so that you don't have to "think on your feet" and make it up at the time.

You know that if she says anything to him about what happened at the library, he will have to say something to you about it. How can you state your truth and your reasons for fighting for the marriage when he does?

If he doesn't bring it up, it means one of two things has taken place.
1)She said something to him about it and he is ignoring her or at least unwilling to attack you over what he thinks was a valiant act on your part....
Or...
2)She was so embarrassed by what happened that she did NOT say anything to him about it, in which case, you can rest assured that it is going to continue to eat at her for a long time, because it would mean that SHE saw it as a valiant act on your part...

Assuming the fog filled environment of the fantasy, she has to feel slighted by you and it is just one more example of you being evil for not just letting go of him quietly. So she has to say something to him about it because it is her right to be angry at you for intruding in her fantasy (think entitlement to the extreme here).

He has two options....

Support her or turn on her and show her weakness.

If the latter, the affair is doomed.

If the former, then he will be coming after you to show himself worthy of her <insert barfing icon here> (Worthy of the warthog??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> )

So prepare now for what you will say to him when he comes to you about it. One simple sentence that lets him know you will use the truth and all the is within your power, including praying to God, to bring about an end to this insanity from him.

And know that if he does not, another flaw in the affair has been exposed and continued steadfastness on your part will bring down its foundations.

Mark

I also think you handled it well. Too bad you couldn't have said this to the librarian WHILE the warthog was also up there. Maybe your DD could have distracted the piglets to save them the shame. The look on Warthog's face would have been more priceless than the librarian's....lol.....

And btw, it's not slander if it's true. It is true that she was sleeping with your husband. The librarian can come up with her own conclusions about her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Just be careful to not call her a ho or something like that, because it's subjective and could be considered slander. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

However, feel free to speak freely the truth. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I love the exposure!

Ok, bad, bad day. I feel like I'm back at square one. I have no clue what I'm doing and probably blew every inch I had gained.

So I snoop in email... she wrote him an email-guess he's having a bit of trouble down there... with her. HAHA!! We never ever had an issue when it came to that. All I could hope for that it was a guilt issue, hopeful thinking on my part.

Anyway earlier in the day I texted something a bit sexy... he totally ignored it-didn't respond.

So we start emailing and IMing while he's at work this evening. He said something about why didn't I mention that I "ran" into her yesterday. I said "we didn't "run" into each other, we just happened to be in the same place at the same time, it was bound to happen." I said "I had to do everything I could not to say something to her. I hate!!!! what she is doing." He says "what about what I'm doing?" He always does that, he doesn't want me to blame her. Anyway it wasn't a good conversation. He wasn't mad, just frustrated that I would still want him back. I mentioned something about her possibly cheating on him at some point, he didn't respond. I sat here bawling my eyes out as we typed back and forth. I know some WSs blame their BS for the affair, well he keeps putting it back on himself and HIS shortcomings etc. I hate that, Why do I feel like it's my fault? I know why, because it is ME that he left! I asked him why he hasn't seen the kids much, I said is she pressuring you? He said "absolutely not! She encourages me to spend as much time as possible with them." Well if that's the case he doesn't want to spend much time with them, because he's rarely here. I asked if it was because I was here and he said no. Well I read an email that said she didn't like it when I was here and he comes to see the kids. At least twice he mentiond something about "not coming home".

I'm just lost I guess. Normally I'm not so stupid, blonde yes, stupid no. I have no clue where to go from here.

Back to Plan A while preparing for Plan B. Get your ducks in a row so you can go dark at a moment's notice.

And keep doing your best Plan A stuff until the very last second. It all adds up, even if you can't see it because the flood is still hiding it.

You do Plan A. He does...whatever he does.

You do what YOU need to do.

And wait for the water to recede...

Mark

"he's having a bit of trouble down there... with her."

OH GOODIE!!!!!!!!!!! LOL............

He is still foggily protecting her, but he knows, you know, and we know that she has a problem with the time he spends with his family.

All of this is VERY PROMISING. Stay the course. You are doing just fine.

Hope you didn't let him know that you call her the warthog, and her kiddies the piglets, and her car the hogmobile.

Don't be so hard on yourself soon. I think the emotions of the IMing is getting to you.

The only mistake you made is not dropping the subject soon enough. After you said that it was bound to happen, that should have been it. Everything after that is what got you drawn into R talk. It doesn't sound like you did any LBs, and the discussion sounds like it was pretty tame, so no... You’re not at square one.

So let’s says you had another chance.... (Ok, let's see if I learned anything from Mark...)

- We didn't run into each other, we just happened to be in the same place at the same time, it was bound to happen... wait until you see the new bright red stilettos I just bought to go with my little black dress....

Avoids all the R talk and gets you right back into flirting mode.

Don't worry, it was a little misstep not a jump off a cliff. Look at it this way, you learned a trick for avoiding R talk.

((((((((Soon)))))))))

He's following the STANDARD SCRIPT...My H took absolute BLAME for the AFFAIR until the FOG was lifted..up until a full year in RECOVERY..He felt GUILTY what he did to both ME and HER..YUCK..FINALLY, FINALLY, he saw her for what she was/is...

I think you are doing just FINE..given the situation...

AFFAIRS ARE JUST AWFUL..AWFUL...

How can we help you get ready for PLAN B? I predict that it would be a SHORT PLAN B...

(((SS))))

TMTS,

You have learned well, Grasshopper...

SS, did you see my post to you on Not's thread?

Mark

LOL, no he doesn't know I call her names, that is something I learned the first time I made a derogatory statement about her... he did not like that at all. Guess I should stop using that around the kids too... they might call her that and he'll get p.o'd

I guess I'm having a hard time recognizing the babble. I just tend to believe what he's saying, he just seems so addmant (sp?) about not coming back. He said he wants me to be happy, but he doesn't want me waiting around for him to come back because he doesn't "see that happening"

Mark, yep saw your post... hanging on! trying too.

((tmts))

Just too darn emotional tonight... doesn't help that it followed a bad migraine. He just seems soooo convincing when he says he was unhappy with life for so long.

Turst me, these OW don't show their true colors when they are first attempting to steal husbands. They are on their best behavior, asking nothing in return, long suffering, full of admiration. But that grows old, and the real OW comes out.

Affairs always end, and it is usually the married man who ends them. Men don't like to be told what to do. At first he will deny it is happening, but sooner or later (we hope sooner), he will get tired of it.

And the "problems" he is having with her is just icing on the cake.

Hogmobile....LOL.... Still gets me giggleing...

Oh wait.... was that??? could it be???

I think I just heard a snort chuckle comming from believer... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


LOL...

mimi, get ready for plan B? I don't know. That isn't something I've ever been fond of. To me it's like having all or nothing. And I would rather have him (a little) as in a friend, rather than nothing. I know we've been through this conversation before. I guess it'll take a few more 2x4s first before I can get it. And then I'd have to go back and read up on it some more. I mean what if it pushes him farther away... he still hasn't taken anything besides half of his clothes, he hasn't contacted a lawyer, he hasn't changed where his check goes. I just think if I were to make a step in "that" direction he'd plow full steam ahead with it.

It's the SAME OLD SONG.

I'll never forget the phone call I got one weekend from my then WH...away with her on the weekend during PLAN A..that was his style..

He called, begging me: "MY NAME, PLEASE LET ME GO"..LOL...I think it's was messing up his FUN and he wasn't FEELING the HIGH as much any longer..that's what's probably going on with yours..He wants that HIGH again....

oh and TMTS this is the first time we had R talk in forever it seems. It's always something we avoid, probably for the reason that happend tonight, me getting so emotional about it. but you're right I need to avoid it, it did no good.

amazin - <snort>