(((Serenity)))

It will not be Plan B that pushes him away,,,,it is the AFFAIR.....

Your kids are old enough to develope their own R with their dad. He can make this happen as well. You know this. Its not like they are small. They can call him and make plans and vice versa. If they don't want to go to Warthogs House of Straw, then they don't have to. If he doesn't see them because of this reason, then that is on him. You have to step out of way of their relationship (by this I mean the relationship between him and the kids...). You cannot make them have a relationship together. I know you desire it, want it, but you are not party to this.

This is what I am learning about my WS and our kids. Especially with DD14. He is messing that up, not me. Actually, he has been messing that since way b4 A, but that is a whole nother issue.

So, do not not go into Plan B because of the kids. They will survive this one way or another. YOU, on the other hand, may not if you DON'T do Plan B....

Hope this helps ....

not2fun

It's THE AFFAIR that's pushing him away from his kids.

He's not with his kids if he's living with another woman.

To be WITH HIS KIDS, he needs to be AT HOME, raising them with you DAY TO DAY.

I see PLAN B as the NEXT STEP in your efforts to RECOVER your MARRIAGE...

Mimi....

Do great minds think alike or what?????.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

That's something he will need to deal with. It is his responsibility to have a relationship with them.

Soon at one point in all of this you will need to let him deal with the consequences of his actions. You're still in a defender mode with him towards your kids and towards your own feelings for him.

More important than that... how are you supposed to move on with your life for your kids and yourself if you can't get past the obsession of your H?

What if he's one of the people that do make it? Do you sit back and give up all opportunities to meet someone else? What if you miss out on meeting that person that can be happy being with you?

Dear, you have been living your life for him for far too long. Time to start assessing what SOON wants in life.

Still pulling for you babe!!! Prayers.

Ok part one is completed... opened my OWN accounts at the credit union ;-) This is gonna be fun to pay bills from two accounts for awhile... doable though...

So anyway... who's hiding the step by step... dot to dot... instructions for Plan B... I mean the simple version, the kind a blonde can follow ;-P

Hey! Enough with this dummy, I'm a stupid blond routine.
You are a blond GODDESS that has been put through a very terrible ordeal, and you are taking care of your kids and yourself at the same time. Soon you have an obsession with a man you have loved for years, that does not make you stupid... it makes you the loving soon that you are. What you need to learn is how to direct some of that love back to yourself.

I'm not Plan B expert (I'm no expert ay any of this), but two things you need to get in order are your Plan B Letter, and figure out who your intermediary contacts will be.
I'm hoping others that have experience with Plan B will be able to expand on this.

SS,

You're in my thoughts and prayers... I think for alot of people they're afraid of plan b. Just an observation. You need to build up your confidence. Get strong emotionally, mentally, and physically and overcome your fear.

What are you afraid of? Not being able to stand on your own two feet? Loosing him? Being alone? You need to overcome those fears... You're alot stronger than you think...

You can do it!

Amazin.

oops NOT almost let my thread slip to page 2 again...

so WH was with the kiddos after school, I was on my way home from work and we were chatting on the phone, I figured because he knew I was on my way home he'd take off... well magine my surprise when I get home and he's still there, but heading out shortly... I was a good 15-20 minutes away, so he could have left... any way, short pleasant chat.

Then while he was at work I had to text him about the furnace freaking me out. He called and then came over. My hero ;-) (not, just nice to know he's available).

So I've figured out a few things to work on me... and at the same time I'll continue to make this a place he'd like to be and hope and pray like crazy that she's showing her true wart hog colors! AND continue figuring out plan B and thinking about wording the PBL.

I see you're coming right along...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

((((Serenity))))

You dropped to page 2 again...gotta stop letting that happen...hows it going??? just wanting to check on you...kinda tired of my own drama if you know what I mean....

anywho...hows the weather there????

not2fun

weathers fine, little bits of snow here and there, no more snow days though ;-(

so much for "coming along" I'm back to telling myself I cannot Plan B... and I would REALLY hate to start plan bing him and not be able to follow though... so I'm backing off on that plan for a bit longer until I can really get my head around it... (starting a new thread regarding this... but I'll still use this one for the day to day jabber)

Please STAY on the SAME THREAD for the BEST HELP..

For me, it's difficult to go from THREAD to THREAD for the same person...

Change the THREAD NAME as need be...

It no longer lets me change the thread name, I go to the first page of my thread and there isn't an edit button any more ;-( Is there another way?


I want to shout out to EVERYONE and find out how many WS actually "came home" because their BS moved to Plan B?

OK..make a new thread..

Shout out..how many came home WITHOUT going into PLAN B..

Not many..I betcha..especially if the WS is a CAKE-EATER..

How come do you think the REAL PRO recommended for Not2 to go into PLAN B...

You run the risk of losing him, Serenity, if you continue to enable his affair...

There may be more, but I am aware of only one Plan B that was shorter than mine. Still, whether a few hours, a few days, a few months, or a couple of years, IMO there is no more powerful weapon against the affair.

Exposure is like an explosion that weakens the structure and makes a few cracks, and Plan B just keeps widening those cracks till the whole thing tumbles down.

Plan B is awesome!

Well... and it's fine if you all give me 2 x 4's if you think I need them, I'm tough I can handle them, I just think Plan B will be wrong in our case... let me have it... I'm so into playing devils advocate... I'm serious I want everyone and anyone to hear me out... and then tell me they think I should still Plan B...

He started having an EA while I was exauhsted and not meeting his ENs. I was devastated, he appologized but said he just couldn't love me the way he used to. He said he'd been feeling this way for many years, and tried to fight it. If he continued living as if everything was ok, he'd become bitter and things would become ugly. He still "cared" for me and was sorry that it was going to hurt, but he moved out. I saw a new doctor, found out what was wrong and I was better within a week. He stayed with OW for 7 weeks... we spent some little time together I did lots of crying and pleading for him to come home... eventually he decided he should come home, it took a couple weeks to let go of her, but he did and he came home to "try again"... it took a few weeks but he started saying I love you again... I got this incredibally wonderful email from him saying he was so happy that I didn't give up on him and that he wanted to make a future with me. Things were fine for a couple months, he started missing her, or her him, don't know who contacted who, but he said he was going back-he left the day after Christmas. She's divorced(she cheated on her husband with another married man, then her DH died), don't know ANYONE on her side that could be exposed to even if they did care. I exposed to his mother and brothers, they all say it's awful but won't talk to him about it. Our best friends are going through their own marital problems... My family and everyone I grew up with are 2000 miles away! NO ONE to expose to!! So that didn't/doesn't help matters. Kids won't come out and tell him how disgusted they feel, they're mad yes... but he's their "pal" and things are fine when he spends little time with them, they're teens they wish we'd both just leave them alone. We are getting more money from his pay check now than we would if we were to only get child support. I am not filling ANY of his ENs except taking care of the kids, in Plan B I'll still be doing that. We have no one in common that could be a "go between". Plan B is supposed to be what it would be like if we were divorced, well, if we do divorce we're not going to completely be out of contact with one another, we would contact one another to make arrangements for the kids. I'm sure we'd still email each other often, and chat on the computer at night while he's working and his warthog has already gone to bed... not of that would happen if i moved to Plan B. I re-read about plan B in SAA, those stories aren't the same as mine.

I'm scared... I just see Plan B as being an ultimatum, choose me the one you don't think you love anymore or choose her the white trash he's addicted to, I believe I will be the loser! I think if I sit back and wait it out, he'll come to realize he's made a big mistake, he'll realize she is white trash and he'll be remorseful and want to come home. I don't think he's cake-eating or fence sitting. He's getting NOTHING from me besides he taking care of OUR kids. I honestly don't believe he's 100% sure about "her" otherwise he would have taken ALL of his clothes and other things around the house that belong to him, he hasn't... so I just keep thinking if I don't have angry outbursts, don't grovel and cry... if I just continue to better myself, I think I'll have a better chance than I would if I broke off contact with him and went dark.

Yes, you may be frustrated with me and that's fine... but please be specific if you have critisism and/or advice.

I continue to pray throughout the day that he will see the errors of his way and come home. He is not a believer in anything religious.

I think he will come home no matter what you do. The affair is doomed. But the problem may be that you won't WANT him anymore. That is my fear. Plan B really protects the BS.

But if you are feeling strong and like you are not losing your love for him, then go for it. Just remember, it is fairly hopeless if you DO lose your love because then you won't even want to try, even if he is BEGGING you.

This was kind of addressed by the guest speaker at church tonight...

A woman asked about forgiving someone who's addicted when they continue to feed their addiction.

The short answer was.... you're enabling the addiction... eventually you will end up hating this person and forgiveness will be very difficult. In this situation you should remove yourself from exposure to the addiction in order to protect your feelings for this person and eventually be able to forgive them....

Very simular if not exactly the same reason for Plan B.

Hope this helps...

so maybe I still have too much love for him to consider going to Plan B?... I have lots of plan A ability left in me, he's just not needing anything from me, because he's getting it from her. So I sit back and let them end it on their own?

I know you say affairs end... well his dad left when he was 3 to be with OW...the are still together, that's my fear!

Believer is right...

Let's assume that you never go into plan B and he continues the affair right in your face for the next two years... He gets really ugly about it... You get extreamly hurt... could you forgive him? Maybe? Maybe not?

Dr. Harley say's the biggest threat to recovery after the affiar dies is the betrayed spouse...

If you're so hurt that you can't forgive him you're marraiage may not be recoverable...

That's why you do plan B... so that when the affair dies you can eventually forgive the wayward spouse and move forward with the marriage.