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Oh! Is the credit card she used to purchase the plane tickets in your name? If so, call and cancel the tickets.

Don't back down about the snooping, when she flips out and accuses you of not trusting her, just tell her "no, I don't. Should I?" and leave it. I think you should continue to snoop but be more discreet, you need to know as much as you can about what's going on, just stop tipping your hand. React as you need to to protect yourself, just don't react to HER about it.

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MIN,

If you are going to snoop, you need to be non-reactive.

I snooped, but learned to step back and not react. Heck, my H didn't know the half of it, yes, it hurt, but I used it as a tool to plan A. The info helped alot, because when the xow was all "blahblahblah, you need to do this and that", (complaining or advising), I wouldn't do anything except be positive and tell him what a good person he 'really' was. In other words, I did the opposite. You see, I had the code to his voicemail. He never changed it. Yes, I had TMI, and it was much harder to recover, but it helped me lay my plan out.

So, my advice, if you are going to snoop, is to be wise as a snake and innocent as a dove.

If you can't keep the info to yourself without reacting, then perhaps you shouldn't snoop.

I agree with the others that you NEED A PLAN.

I would go get some anti anxiety meds from the Dr, such as Xanax, and get yourself to the inlaws over Christmas with your WS. You need to get ahold of yourself. If you are out of control emotionally, get some help.

Go for Christmas, and plan A. Just tell your WS that you will do whatever it takes to protect your M. You know you will be miserable by yourself. STOP and step back before you flap your lips. LOL. You are all over the map, so listen to these awesome people here and stop reacting.

Love in Christ,
Miss M


me: FBS
H: FWS
Fully recovered
K #1995710 12/21/07 10:34 PM
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Stop the spying. Did it help you? NO!
While I agree with K's general point about protecting yourself from pain you don't need, I would argue that you learned quite a lot by this. You found out just how deceptive she will be and how trapped in the A she is. And you were motivated to jump to Plan-B and might not have been otherwise. I don't think it was without value.

- WG


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Okay...WW just got to her folks and they immediately told her everything I had told them. She text message'd me and told me "You are dead to me" for exposing her. I told her ILYVM and she told me to go to h*ll.

I know she is just reacting harshly, but this is very hard to hear from someone you love so much.

I keep hearing that exposure is the best weapon I have and that exposure won't kill my marriage, but an affair will. I am trusting this with all of my heart and hope my WW gets over this anger.

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Excellent response. You get extra credit for not apologizing for the exposure.

In her mind you are ruining her existence. Her world is collapsing. It may get worse before it gets better, but stay a bit detached and don't take it personally. (I got wishes for my death, spitting in my face, lots of nastiness.)

- WG


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WG...so far I haven't received anything near that. How did things end up?

The fireworks aren't over yet, because it was just her mom and stepdad that confronted her. Tomorrow is her real dad and he is highly upset with her.

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MIN,

When people come to this place....especially this board...their marriages are usually hanging by threads. These strategies don't come with guarantees....they are last ditch efforts to recover the marriage in the midst of infidelity.

Exposure is like chemotherapy....the cure is almost as bad as the cancer....but once the cancer is dead....the body can finally begin to recover. Not every marriage recovers after infidelity....or even survives the process of fighting infidelity....but these are the techniques that have proven to work in one case after another around here....and we have alot of faith in them because we've witnessed how they work.

Some WSs take a while to forgive after exposure....but surprisingly....most of them do, and usually pretty quickly. Right now, she's blaming her misery over the fact that her parents know something so awful about her....on you. But there is already a part of her that knows she created the mess she's in.

Exposure seems like an "event" because it's so explosive, but it's really a process that takes a time to work because it exerts pressure on the affair over time....creating accountability for the WS.

Let her get over the shock that her secret is out. Once she realizes that you and her parents still love her....even though they know her worst secrets....she may begin to understand how much more REAL that kind of love is, compared to the fantasy of the affair.

Now, what are your plans for Christmas? Do you have family or friends you can be with. I'd really like to know you won't be alone because you need some support right now.

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I've failed. My WW and I are divorcing. But don't reason from the specific to the general; your situation is different.

In my case, my WW is probably a sociopath and we had no kids together.

While your in-laws appear to be initially supportive of your attempts to salvage your M, be aware that families usually stick by even their horribly behaving kids/siblings. And your WW who has been cheating, will quite possibly tell horrible lies about you and 'reinvent' your marital history. If it happens, don't get too spun up about it; its just a little more insult to the injury.

BTW, an earlier, rasher post of yours mentioned your willingness to face jail time. My advice would be to do nothing that could result in your being charged by the police. You really can't control your out-of-control W's actions. Ultimately, you want her to choose you and the M of her own free will. Plan-A shows you off as attractive as can be and sets up some of your own boundaries. Plan-B confronts her with additional negative consequences and a chance to rethink the destructive path.

Best wishes. And Merry Christmas from all of us here at MB.

- WG


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Star...yes I have a very good family here locally and will be spending time with them over Christmas. Surprisingly the vicious attacks coming across my phone aren't bothering me as much as I thought after hearing some of the exposure stories on here.

Exposure is something I have been dreading, but I know I did it for the right reasons (risk of STD) and I am so glad I finally did it.

What does everyone think of me just going silent for the next 4 days while she is out of town instead of responding to her vicious emails, TM's and voice mails?

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Thanks WG...your words of encouragement are much appreciated. My WW was the best wife I could have ever wished for until these last 4 months and it's like a completely different person. We have an 18 month old daughter who is our entire world.

I have never seen anything like the Fog and Viciousness that she is experiencing and spewing. She is threatening anything she can to get me to quit exposing. First divorce, then threatening full custody, then calling the authorities and getting me in trouble for things I didn't even do and on and on and on.

I can really see that this will only be temporary if I continue to not respond to these because she will simply runt out of things to say to get a reaction out of me. Thoughts of going silent for the next few days?

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What was in your Plan B letter? Typically you state that you will not be communicating with her to save your love for her, until she can commit to NC and transparency. If so, then not contacting her seems appropriate.

However, you may have hastily made that decision and aren't ready to back it up. While consistency and following up on your word are very important, you need to decide on a strategy. Maybe you need a good night's sleep.

Two days ago you wrote that you couldn't stay in Plan A any longer (after doing it well for 4 months) ... How do you feel today? You might make a list of pros and cons for Plan A/B.

- WG


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She's going to try and bait you....so that you'll get mad enough to do something she can point to and justify her actions. Don't let her. I would say only to remain silent while she is raging. If she calms down and reaches out...respond to her and let her know that you haven't given up.

Play it by ear...see what her next move is....you don't have to make any decisions set in stone right now. The best thing you can do is show calm confidence about the way you're handling things and your willingness to keep working on the marriage. Now that the big explosion is over....let the dust settle so you can see what's still there. I'm glad you realize that this rage will probably burn itself out fairly quickly. You're right....if you don't respond....she'll run out of steam.

Sleep on it. Take some Tylenol PM or something if you have to....but get some rest. I'm glad you have your family there. I'm going to get some sleep myself.

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What does everyone think of me just going silent for the next 4 days while she is out of town instead of responding to her vicious emails, TM's and voice mails?


Hey MiN!!

I don't think you should waste your time responding to such attacks.

It only serves to upset you and she WANTS you to respond so she can say, "See? I knew....(add WS babble here)!!"

And also so she can justify seeing OM again.

Then she'll be tellin' him: "MiN treats me SO bad OM! You should see what he told me in *email, text, on the phone*!!!"

Don't give her any ammo!!!

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What does everyone think of me just going silent for the next 4 days while she is out of town instead of responding to her vicious emails, TM's and voice mails?


Hey MiN!!

I don't think you should waste your time responding to such attacks.


It only serves to upset you and she WANTS you to respond so she can say, "See? I knew....(add WS babble here)!!"

And also so she can justify seeing OM again.

Then she'll be tellin' him: "MiN treats me SO bad OM! You should see what he told me in *email, text, on the phone*!!!"

Don't give her any ammo!!!


That's funny you say that because she has said in several of her IM's that I have just made her decision easier. She also said something that was so silly I didn't even respond. She said "Even if OM and I don't work out I will never be with you again". Nice to know that I made the cut for her backup plan in case she finds out the cheating liar doesn't turn out like she thinks it will.

Just for those that don't know...here are the things that are working against their affair:

1) They are 600 miles apart and neither one of them will probably leave their child to be with the other one.

2) She already had doubts about OM prior to the STD issue in regards to honesty and the fact that he has cheated before.

3) He has tested positive for HSV II and she wants know part of it according to what she told me. However, 2 days after she found out he flew into town and they met. Another 2 days after that she books tickets to his town to be with him. Both of these instances is what prompted my exposure or I probably would have just let this affair die a natural death. I was scared to death that my WW would be weak and have sex with OM which is why I stepped in both times and tried to stop her.

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Excellent advice by starfish.

BTW, are you prepared for dealing with the test results for WW and yourself when they come back?

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I'm not at all concerned about my test results and really didn't even need to get tested since I haven't had sex with my wife since a week before the EA started online. However I did go ahead and error on the side of caution to be sure.

I am however scared to death that if my wife has this it will simply push her towards the arms of the OM.

I have already told her that if she has it, that I still want to save our marriage and if I end up with it as a result than I am prepared for that without reservation.

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How did you find out about his STD? Did they have a PA without protection?

You said before that your W will definately walk away if she knew that the OM and his W were doing fine before she came into the picture. So, have you consider asking the OM's wife to call your W and confirm. I think it's especially effective and more believalbe that the OM's wife is filing for divorce and has not other motive but to be honest.

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How did you find out about his STD? Did they have a PA without protection?

You said before that your W will definately walk away if she knew that the OM and his W were doing fine before she came into the picture. So, have you consider asking the OM's wife to call your W and confirm. I think it's especially effective and more believalbe that the OM's wife is filing for divorce and has not other motive but to be honest.

I have had extensive conversations with the OM's wife and she has no interest in saving their marriage at this point. Also, OM has made it clear he will give up everything for my WW including his child.

I pointed this out to my wife, that if you are getting involved with someone that is willing to give up his child what kind of guy is he really? Didn't do any good due to the fog and the lies he keeps telling my WW. There is nothing more I can say or do at this point in regards to OM. This is a complete addiction for her and based on what she is saying now, it doesn't matter if the affair ends or not, she is not interested in saving our marriage.

Stay tuned...tomorrow will be interesting. Thanks for everyone's help again.

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How did you find out about his STD? Did they have a PA without protection?

You said before that your W will definately walk away if she knew that the OM and his W were doing fine before she came into the picture. So, have you consider asking the OM's wife to call your W and confirm. I think it's especially effective and more believalbe that the OM's wife is filing for divorce and has not other motive but to be honest.

BA...found out through snooping via keylogger last week and apparently HSV II can be spread even with the use of a condom and no current outbreak due to sloughing of the virus. I have no idea whether the sex was protective sex, but WW said it was. After learning that it can still be spread it really scared her into getting tests immediately.

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Did he tell her about his STD after or before they had sex? Why isn't she mad at him that he didn't inform her that it can still be spread even with protection?

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