Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 99
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 99
She actually found it from him after he got tested and I found out using keylogger.

WHat happened is she confronted him about someone else he had slept with and told him that she was no longer going to sleep with him unless he got tested. He said no problem and went and got tested that day. 3 days later he gets the test back and it's positive for HSV II. That is when the shine came flying off the affair. However 2 days later she is letting him fly into town to supposedly say goodbye. 2 days after that she is booking plane tickets to go see him next weekend so I guess the STD didn't scare her as much as I thought it initially did.

This just confirmed to me that she is in so much of a fog that there is nothing I can do or say to convince her otherwise and wrote my Plan B letter today.

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
BA:

Are you asking MIN, or his W? He can't answer that.

-ol' 2long

Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 99
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 99
Quote
Did he tell her about his STD after or before they had sex? Why isn't she mad at him that he didn't inform her that it can still be spread even with protection?

BA...sorry misunderstood your question. He apparently didn't know about STD until after my WW insisted he get tested after finding out that he had also cheated on his wife with another woman as well. Neither the OM or my WW or myself knew that this could be spread even with protection since it can be spread without the exchange of bodily fluids through sloughing of the virus.

Once it was discovered about his positive test is when OM, my WW and myself all started researching this in depth.

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
MIN:

You need 2 be aware that BA is not speaking from a position of personal experience or wisdom of any kind.

The rest of the posters here have first-hand experience with infidelity.

Okay, now lets roll up our sleeves and get down 2 business, shall we?

First, I'm glad you're not moving out.

2nd, I'm sorry you decided 2 let her meet the OM at the airport 2 say goodbye. It would have been better if you'd gone along, provided you aren't prone 2 violence. But it's over.

3rd, I'm sorry you didn't go with your W and daughter 2 visit with the in-laws. 2nd best would have been 2 let her go, but leave your daughter with you. But it's done. I would continue 2 talk 2 her, but don't engage her in arguments, and ignore her attacks on you by responding with love for her. If she mentions divorce, either ignore her or simply tell her that you don't do divorce and then change the subject.

4th, do not have sex with your wife until the affair is over and she (and you) have been given a clean bill of health.

5th, who paid for the tickets? If it's on a joint credit card, cancel the reservation and put a freeze on the card as quickly as possible. If the cards in her name and she earns the money herself 2 cover it, then let her go if she's inclined, but WITHOUT your daughter.

Really, this should be number one: Make an appointment with one of the Harleys RIGHT AWAY. Your "plan" isn't one at the moment, and you desperately need a good one in this si2ation. Don't just rely on our help.

6th: I snooped for a long time after d-day, but at some point the information you get hurts more than it helps. Once you know what's going on, you don't really need the details anymore until your in recovery (if even then, just 2 have all the pieces of the puzzle). Snooping tended 2 make me crazy with suspicion after a while. When you do snoop, do it for intelligence gathering only. You don't need 2 confront her anymore, because you know what's going on (and of course, she does). Don't reveal your sources. It would have been sufficient 2 just tell her you knew.

Your si2ation may be delicate but it's eminently recoverable. You're new 2 this, so you need 2 give plan A a lot more time than you have. And it's far 2 soon for B.

-ol' 2long

Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 1,141
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 1,141
MIN,

I would really listen to what K has to say, a very, very wise man.

Please practice not reacting to everything. Please step back before you say one word, think of what is healthiest for you, your daughter, and your marriage.

Please listen to what K and other vets like star*fish have to say before you do anything. Ask on this thread first, BEFORE you do or say anything.

God Bless, have a Merry Christmas, you are in my prayers.

Love in Christ,
Miss M


me: FBS
H: FWS
Fully recovered
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 716
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 716
MIN:

You're getting some great advice from some very solid, experienced posters. I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this, particularly during the holidays.

My only advice to you is to make sure that you act, don't react. (It's only too easy to react to a wayward spouse who is doing seemingly crazy stuff) A call to the Harleys would not be amiss, as K wisely suggested. They can help you with a concrete plan of action to recover your marriage.

PK

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,390
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,390
MIN,

Please, please listen to the advice you are getting here. I found MB late, and was sure my situation was different so didn't always follow the advice - and I should have.

I implemented Plan B the wrong way, basically by reacting as you did. I did this a couple of times. Then I would fall for WH's lies about wanting to save the M and let him back without doing the NC letter. Again, I thought he was different somehow.

What I found out in the end is that he was a text book case. Heck, he could have written the book.

So please, listen and let the pros here walk you through this. I did it too late and I'm now in Plan B the right way but it may be too late.

Also, get your emotions in check because your current state is not attractive to your spouse. I made that mistake too. I weeped, moped, and reacted far too long.

Lastly, let the Harleys help you. I started working with Jennifer and she helped me get back on track and actually had me do a few things that I wouldn't have done otherwise.


BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 271
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 271
Quote
so I guess the STD didn't scare her as much as I thought it initially did.
Well, the 5% of her left brain that is functioning was perhaps scared, but the rest of it would rationalize: "I'll never get it", "We were safe", etc... Despite my WW's medical training, she had unprotected sex and the guys she chose appear to have extensive, if not diverse histories. Its like a teenager mentality of being invulnerable.

- WG


BH 40, Married: 2002, Discovered affairs: Fall 2005, Divorced: Spring 2008

Advocate grace daily
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 63
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 63

ManInNeed, I think you're wife is very fogged. She still wants to be with him after knowing about the lying, cheating and STD. Did you inform her parents about HIS STD? She is flying to visit him next weekend, right? Byu then will her test result be out? Maybe her parents can talk her out of going to see him.

MaInNeed, one day the truth is going to come out about who he really is and ventually will make sense to her. Not sure by then, you will still want to stick around.

Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 99
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 99
BA...she keeps telling me to give her some time and that this affair will be over within a few months. From what she is telling me she wants me to stand by until this is over. Until yesterday I didn't expose because I wanted to believe her, but I was not going to stand by without doing at least something to try and get her to stop this dangerous game she is playing.

Both of her parents now know that she is planning to go to see him next weekend and they know about the STD. I am hoping that her parents can put pressure on her.

I now am starting to understand how important exposure is. Constant pressure and disapproval from her family and friends will take it's toll on the fantasy and shake her back to reality.

Until now, she has completely justified her actions in her own mind and threatened me against exposure with everything she can. Now that it is all out in the open it's like a huge relief. But, wow the anger and cruelty coming from her mouth after exposing is like nothing I have ever seen.

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 810
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 810
Unfortunately Hopeforus original thread was deleted. This was perfect example of how exposure worked to his advantage. In fact - his situation made the big change once the OMW became involved.

Not sure what parental exposure will do overall but your concern for her safety, safety of your child and attempt to save your marriage is a noble task and should be conveyed to her parents.


Me:52
W: 52
Married: 32 yrs
2 Sons (29 & 23)
1 Dtr (20)
1 GDtr (2.5) precious little girl
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
MIN:

Let me say this again, a little more forcefully, for some his2ry since you're new here:

You would be well advised 2 ignore BA's posts 2 you. This forum is for people with experience in recovering from infidelity 2 help themselves and others newly given this particular cross 2 bear, or still struggling with recovery after an A has ended.

BA has no experience, as evidenced by their unwillingness 2 tell their story. BA used 2 post more 2 another board that also used 2 have higher "drama" than MB. This forum has un42nately devolved somewhat in2 a battle among long time MBers over how 2 deal with internet trolls. People like BA feed on that negativity and drama, and since this board has more of it at the moment than Loveshack.org, where BA is most recently from, BA spends most of its time here.

-ol' 2long

Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 99
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 99
Quote
MIN:

Let me say this again, a little more forcefully, for some his2ry since you're new here:

You would be well advised 2 ignore BA's posts 2 you. This forum is for people with experience in recovering from infidelity 2 help themselves and others newly given this particular cross 2 bear, or still struggling with recovery after an A has ended.

BA has no experience, as evidenced by their unwillingness 2 tell their story. BA used 2 post more 2 another board that also used 2 have higher "drama" than MB. This forum has un42nately devolved somewhat in2 a battle among long time MBers over how 2 deal with internet trolls. People like BA feed on that negativity and drama, and since this board has more of it at the moment than Loveshack.org, where BA is most recently from, BA spends most of its time here.

-ol' 2long


2long...understood loud and clear. Thanks.

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
Quote
Both of her parents now know that she is planning to go to see him next weekend and they know about the STD. I am hoping that her parents can put pressure on her.

Be prepared. This will likely backfire, though it might not. Usually, a foggy WS will simply go further underground when pressured 2 end their A.

Quote
I now am starting to understand how important exposure is. Constant pressure and disapproval from her family and friends will take it's toll on the fantasy and shake her back to reality.

Again, pressure is good up 2 a point. In the end, it's your W who needs 2 wake up entirely of her own volition that will save your marriage, if it is destined 2 be saved.

-ol' 2long

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
Quote
Quote
MIN:

Let me say this again, a little more forcefully, for some his2ry since you're new here:

You would be well advised 2 ignore BA's posts 2 you. This forum is for people with experience in recovering from infidelity 2 help themselves and others newly given this particular cross 2 bear, or still struggling with recovery after an A has ended.

BA has no experience, as evidenced by their unwillingness 2 tell their story. BA used 2 post more 2 another board that also used 2 have higher "drama" than MB. This forum has un42nately devolved somewhat in2 a battle among long time MBers over how 2 deal with internet trolls. People like BA feed on that negativity and drama, and since this board has more of it at the moment than Loveshack.org, where BA is most recently from, BA spends most of its time here.

-ol' 2long


2long...understood loud and clear. Thanks.

Your welcome.

Be also aware that I'm a scientist, and I can' prove anything 2 be 100% true. I could be wrong, but I don't believe I am.

BA could of course step up 2 the plate and post their story and/or explain what they're here for and prove me "wrong".

I'll wait.

In the meantime, you have resources here aplenty. Make good use of them!

-ol' 2long

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 63
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 63
2long, point to any comment or advice that I have given that's harmful in anyway, I'll start listening to you. Untill then, you do your post and I'll do mine.

Back to MIN, I think you're doing great with the exposure, even though I think you should have done earlier. Since your W is so mad at you right now, I think it would be wise to stay away from her for a little while untill she cools down.

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
Quote
2long, point to any comment or advice that I have given that's harmful in anyway, I'll start listening to you. Untill then, you do your post and I'll do mine.

You haven't posted your story. It's not what you do post (I don't read all of it, just enough here and on Loveshack 2 know that it's hollow at best), it's what you don't post.

You don't answer direct questions about you that are posed 2 you. You haven't told anyone why you're here.

There's no credibility behind your advice. I don't think it's wrong for me 2 warn a newbie 2 be careful here.

-ol' 2long

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 63
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 63
Quote
It's not what you do post,it's what you don't post.

2long, once again, you have admitted yourself that it's not what I posted that you disagree with. With that being said, it should be the end of our discussion, because, as you probably agree, I am not giving toxic or destructive advice. If that's the case, people would have been quoting me and attacking me constantly. So, let's end this conversation and get back to MIN, shall we?

Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,306
T
Tyk Offline
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,306
Lets not do this again guys, or if you have to do it, start a new thread for you both to bicker. Its discourteous to ManInNeed to engage in this type of behavior in his thread, you're likely to get it locked with your back and forth. Put each other on ignore if that's what you have to do.

Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 99
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 99
And the hits just keep on coming. Went to put gas in the car and looks like she cleaned out our bank account. I will have to get my direct deposit moved to a different account on Monday it looks like. Just got paid yesterday so I guess my plan for exposure should have been a little more thought out in regards to timing.

My WW is a little calmer today and when I say that I mean her nasty messages no longer are filled with expletives. It's hard to believe that there is hope for us someday in the future because she is convinced that I only exposed to hurt her.

Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 49 guests, and 65 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Dodo M, Kingpin, MikaylaVaux, I.P., Alex82
71,727 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,545
Posts2,322,787
Members71,728
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5