Thanks TYK....retained an attorney today and told him I want to proceed slowly and reactively without jeopardizing my position, assets and rights as a father.

My biggest issue right now is my wife keeps saying stuff to get me to react and I keep falling for it. Why in the world does she want me to react if she wants this marriage over? I would think that she would want this to be as painless as possible. Seems to me she is just trying to get revenge for exposing.

That is something you CAN control MIN, you just have to do it.

Find your inner zen MiN, don't take her bait, you're above fighting about whether or not she should be screwing some guy 600 miles away with an STD aren't you? I mean, some things in life just don't need to be explained, right?

You exposed her A because she was threating your marriage and your life. That's all. There's nothing to apologize for or fight about. Tell her that you will continue to do whatever you can to fight for your marriage and your family, and if she chooses to file for D, you will follow the advice of the best lawyer you can while still trying to save the marriage. That's it MiN, there's nothing to fight about. If she wants a divorce, you CAN'T STOP HER. If she wants to see STD guy, you can't stop that either. You can do things to make it difficult, and you should, but at the end of the day, she has decisions to make about how she lives her life, same as you.

Live your life with honest and integrity, showing her how to do the same (SHOWING HER, NOT TELLING HER!).

Tyk,

How do I add 'stars' to this response? It gets five...

MIN---good luck. And stop reacting---just start acting. Show her you want the marriage. Don't fall for the WS bait.

There ya go.

Scroll to the very bottom of any given post and select the drop-down list labeled "Rate This Topic" (to the left).

Jo

Thanks guys. Working on my inner zen now.

TYK...the simple brilliance of the 2nd paragraph of your post really hit home and I really would like to plaigarize that word for word in the next conversation with my WW if you don't mind <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Seriously, I know what I need to do and will do it.

Wow. You had a whopper of a day. Sounds like you made a lot of good decisions.

You asked "Why in the world does she want me to react if she wants this marriage over?" That's a good question to ponder. I would imagine she really doesn't know what she wants, and she is unhappy. You are just the target.

- WG

Stay strong today MiN! Don't take the bait!

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmm

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmm

zen brotha, zen!

Thanks guys...today will be a much better day I'm sure.

Played with my daughter all last night while my wife was just stewing around the house. I was in the kitchen while she was holding our daughter and heard her start balling. I came out and instead of bailing her out by asking what's wrong or everything will be alright, I just let her cry without saying a word. I'm pretty sure she was reflecting on our daughter and our family because she was holding her at the time just staring at her. I left the room after about 5 minutes without saying a word figuring if she wanted to talk about something she would be the one to initiate.

I'm starting to feel like I need to let her hit rock bottom before she will start trying to get some help or want to do the right thing. Every time I pull back and detach she ALWAYS starts moving toward me and I get the feeling she is making sure I am still there as her fallback position. Needless to say until last night I have fallen for it every time.

Should I continue these types of actions of detachment and just leave her alone with her guilt and confusion for awhile?

MIN,

I agree that you shouldn't bail her out when the reality of her actions hits her in the face. I would tell her "It doesn't have to be like this" or something to that effect. I believe waywards need to believe that there is a way back to family, that they will be accepted.

That's good MiN, sounds like the anger at exposure is passing. I think being a bit distant is good, but, remember, your are still in Plan A. You want to be meeting her needs, I would just meet them in ways that aren't overly fawning and weak. Take care of the house and your daughter, one of the best things you might do is to get away WITH your daughter. Take her to the store, stay gone quite a while. Allow your WW the time to really see what its like to be alone.

If she wants to TALK, not fight, then be available. Don't get sucked into the round-and-round discussions, hold firm to the idea that you have a plan on how to recover, and there are certain things she needs to be willing to do in order to bring that about.

My WW never filed for divorce, but she did say one day as she was leaving for a weekend with OM, "if you keep pushing me on this I'll go see an attorney". I calmly told her that if she wanted to see an attorney that was her choice but I was sure there wasn't a judge in the state that would look too kindly on her D petition as she was the one committing adultery. I then said I won't talk about D with you, but I will talk to you about saving our marriage, and with that she left.

To me this was just another attempt by her to get me to back down so she could continue her rosy home life while scr***** the OM. And for a few more weeks after that day she still thought so, but then I exposed and her anger was the same as you are experiencing. But you know what? She's still home, the A seems to be over and she seems to be coming out of the fog little by little.

As people here remind me over and over, look at her actions, not her words. Her actions with your daughter seem to me to be one of those actions that are good for you. Just keep doing what you're doing. NO LB's. When she is spewing venom, just walk away or react calmly. That will really throw her off. It's like right now she is trying to bait you into a fight so she can justify her A. If you don't take the bait it will really mess up her image of both you and the reasons for the A.

One other thing that seems to have helped in my situation. I began doing things I wanted to do, with or without her. I would ask if she wanted to join me in doing whatever, but if she said no, I went anyway. I think her sitting home while I was out played some part in where I think we are going now. I know a couple of times I did that WW and OM had a LBing kind of conversation (I saw their TM's).

I agree with TYK. Don't get too much into the I love you stuff, but continue to interject that you still believe in the M and want to make it work, etc.

MIN,
I am in your shoes almost to the day. My wife says she has committed to NC as of 12/21/07. I had plan Aing since 8/15/07. I reached my breaking point 12/19/07. I decided I could not go home and face her again with the A being thrown in my face by her on 12/19. I went to my parents 12/20/07. On 12/21 I came home with the intentions of picking up some clothes and my wife told me she had ended it with the OM because he was wavering about being committed to her (our) 3 kids.

That morning my wife said she was sorry for acting so stupid, that she knows she is not supposed to be with OM and she wanted to know if I would accept her back. That day we changed her cell phone #, blocked his emails, and got her on antidepressants and anxiety meds.

My point is simply MBers works. Act on your beliefs and not on your feelings. My wife said all kinds of the same nasty things, but I focused on her actions. She was still in house, still talking to me. Avoid relationship talk, kill her with kindness, not "out of your way" smothering but just do normal daily stuff in very kind considerate ways for her. One day I served my wife dinner in front of tv while she was being very ****** and she asked why I was acting so nice to her. Because thats how I want to treat her for the rest of our lives together. HA. Smile and walk away whistling happy go lucky. Do not react to her, just act in your beliefs. She was a good wife/person and can be again. But it will take time, keep running the marathon.

BigPic....I really wish I was to the point that you are in right now. Other than moving out, my WW is still moving forward with filing.

Get this....she just emailed me and told me that her attorney (who is her ex-husband) is dragging his feet on the filing. This is primarily because he is doing it for free and is putting her off. She then asks me if my attorney can draw everything up for us.

I emailed her back and told her that I'm not the one that wants divorce, she is and I'm not interested in paying $175 an hour for something that I don't want to begin with. I told her anything regarding ending our marriage is going to be handled by my attorney (in a review and react mode) and anything regarding working on our marriage her and I can discuss.

I have made it clear where I stand numerous times, yet she still doesn't get it. She just seems to think I am going to throw my hands in the air and accomodate her in regards to ending our marriage and on top of that pickup the bill for it.

I would love to see someone compile a thread or book on "Foglike" statements and how little sense they make. I am in absolute amazement at how someone so intelligent can repeatedly say and believe things that make no sense.

ManInNeed, when will the test results come out?

SS....I had a followup appointment for tomorrow, but they called me and wanted to reschedule the appointment for next week. I will keep everyone updated.

Well today is the day. My WW is flying 600 miles to spend the weekend with OM. It is so tough letting go, but there is really nothing else I can do. Makes no sense at all. He has proven he is a liar, a multiple cheater who has tested positive for STD, yet she is still going to leave her family to spend the weekend with OM.

It is so frustrating to sit here and do nothing and is like a dagger in my heart knowing she is going to be sleeping in his bed the next 2 nights.

MIN:

"Frustrating" I don't think adequately describes it. Keep it calm...

oh man

I'm sorry MiN.

I wish WS's could experience this kind of pain for just one day. My guess, most of them would immediately quit their affairs.

She knows what she is doing, yet doesn't care. I am started to get angry and very bitter.

I can imagine.

What do you want to happen?

What do you want to do?