I would like to fly out there myself and ruin there weekend, but obviously that is a huge LB. Sometimes I just wish I could use Plan D and try and get over this. My daughter is the only thing that keeps me within Plan A.

I didn't often have to deal with foreknowledge of a assignation between my WW and her OM. But the times I did, really messed with my brain. Its a pain like no other.

I decided then, and I still believe, that for me to interfere directly with such incidents isn't prudent. I wanted WW to choose our M of her own will. And denying her free will to choose the A, is disrespectful. She has the right to make even bad decisions, and I don't want to take that away.

Well, I know how you feel.

Since your wife is apparently on the express train to D, you might want to prepare yourself for legal action. Having documentation of her trip, its cost, the fact that she left (or worse took) DD behind to visit OM, and eyewitnesses or video footage could come in handy if you need to substantiate adultery or argue for custody. Its the kind of stuff you can tuck away and hope its not ever needed.

How old is your DD?

- WG

Thanks WG...my DD is 18 months old which is a blessing because she has no idea what is happening around her.

Is screwing up their romantic weekend denying her of free will? I know that it isn't the best thing to do and I won't, but thinking that I might risk being disrespectful seems very ironic considering the premeditation of her actions this weekend and her actions to date.

I think interfering in her actions is denying her the choice, which I think is disrespectful. To the extent you can save someone from trouble, or point out the consequences of their bad decisions -- that's well worth doing. Your exposure was exactly that.

I think most here would agree that you shouldn't enable her A. So if you could have prevented your, or joint, credit cards from being used to fund the trip, that would seem legitimate to me.

I would have no qualms about your telling OMW about the trip. Maybe she can have some effect locally.

To me, choosing for someone else is denying part of their personhood. Almost like treating them as a pet; forcing your will on them. I had some controlling tendencies, so I am perhaps more sensitive about the issue in hindsight.

- WG

I agree with you WG and this is just my emotions talking to some extent. However, I think respect is a 2 way street and you have to give to get. JMO

Plan D has some serious shortcomings. Here's a few I'm going through: (1) financial devastation; (2) none of my ENs are being met by WW, nor will be again; (3) the pain of betrayal doesn't just go away; (4) my child suffers; and, (5) the legal process is just a pain in the xxx.

That said, it can put a limit on the amount of abuse you can receive from someone. And I think it is good for a WS to experience consequences for their actions - letting them enjoy the M and the A forever doesn't make them better people. But Harley recommends Plan B to achieve the same goals (limiting your pain, letting them face consequences) and put off D.

I think it is Frank Pittman who wrote: "When it comes to a choice of suicide or homicide, I generally recommend divorce." [The context points out a number of downsides to D]

- WG

Oh we are in agreement. She is being maximally disrespectful to you.

IMHO, this emotional state is the sign that your plan A is coming to an end. Can't remember your length of plan A but I would be getting ready to move to next step.

My WW TM'd me several times over the weekend just checking in to see how things were going as well as checking on our child. When I responded it took her quite a while to respond back. I am guessing she had to TM me back after she was out of sight from OM which in a strange way was somewhat gratifying and ironic with the tables being turned.

My question is since she had no pressing issues she was TM'ing me about why in the world is she contacting me during her weekend out of town with the OM? Is this indicative of cake eating behavior?

I would guess that she is just checking after the child, and forming the request politely. Honestly, how can she be checking to see if you are okay while she is with OM -- right now, she doesn't care how you are.

If she is really asking about you, then it may be an exploratory form of cake eating -- trying to find out if she can have you and her lover both.

I might suggest not returning any TMs or phone calls while she is away. This gives her the consequences of not knowing how your child is (she would if she was at home) and not gaining any reassurance about the martial future (while she is with OM). Well, perhaps this is petty, but at the least I'd not return any messages promptly, you were too busy taking child to church, the park, visiting friends, etc..., and not just sitting at home thinking about her.

- WG

How's it goin MiN?

TYK...thanks for asking. This weekend was really tough. As I mentioned before she TM'd several times over the weekend. When she got back in town we spent some good quality family time together watching a few movies and doing stuff around the house keeping things very light.

This morning she emails and tells me she is going to meet with her attorney to sign a few things to move forward with the filing of the divorce. This really triggered me and I emailed her and said "Why are we getting divorced, again?". She then called me and we had an hour long conversation about everything I had done to bring us to this situation. She has not taken any responsibility for this situation at all and continues to be in the fog as much as ever.

The thing that really bothered me was she told me that I have burned the bridge with both of her parents by exposing. Regardless of the reasons I told both of them, neither one of them believe me and only think I told them to hurt her in their eyes.

I am really starting to wonder if I should just go ahead and get the divorce over with as soon as possible so I can get over her. She seems to have every intention of moving forward with the divorce and there is nothing I can say or do to stop her.

Should I try and slow down the divorce proceedings? Should I try and talk her into a legal separation? Should I continue with Plan A? Should I go think about going into Plan B?

****** edit ******

If you don't want a divorce, then yes---slow it down. Yes as with regards to Plan A. Yes about getting ready to go into Plan B.

Don't worry about the fog babble. It's straight out of the script.

They believe everything I told them, but they also believe that the only reason I told them was to hurt her, not to help her. Crazy I know, but that is what my WW is telling me.

Divorce is not my arena at all MiN, so take all this for what its worth.

What is she seeking in the divorce? If she's out for blood, definitely drag things out.

If she's willing to give up alot to get things done quickly, things like primary custody, the home, assets, etc, then I think you would be foolish to not protect yourself and take her up on that, at least initially.

Everything is agreed upon for the divorce and the only reason I am holding off is because I want to work on us being a family again. Unfortunately, she is not and wants to proceed forward.

I keep looking at a divorce as the end, but maybe I need to look at it as something I need for closure because her mind seems to be made up. She told me today that she can't ever see her feelings for me changing and is no longer willing to try and work on our marriage.

She also said that when we were spending time together yesterday she went in the other room and cried because she knows all she has to do is say the word and we can work on being a family again. Yet she refuses to say the word or lift a finger. Unbelievable to me that she can break down crying about it, yet not want to put in an ounce of effort to try and fix things.

MIN: You're talking to an addict. Not your wife. These are the exact things addicts say. The behaviors she's exhibiting are the ones addicts exhibit. So don't take it personally, and don't take it as an indicator of whether or not you can be successful in saving the marriage. Stick with the program.

If anything, the fact that she is upset about the thought of divorce says that she recognizes it isn't the right action to take. In a way, that's her lifting a finger, isn't it? Maybe?

Alot of what she says is straight from the WS handbook, its what they all do and say to justify thier actions in thier mind. The only reason I asked about the divorce is that if the agreement were greatly in your favor it could be benefitial for you to take her up on it now while she's acting desperate to get out of the M.

When were the divorce terms discussed? How it it all already decided?

Basically we had previously decided to split physical and legal custoday as well as all of our assets and liabilities 50/50. We had discussed this several months ago when talking about a legal separation in lieu of a divorce.

I keep looking at divorce as such a final thing leaving no hope for a possible reconciliation. Are there any stories of reconciliation after divorce that are out there to anyone's knowledge?