Sure, but it's not the recommended method! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If you don't want to be divorced: Yes.

If you think divorce will make you happier, read up on it. Here's a couple of links:

SmartMarriages site

MarriageMissions page

- WG

MIN,
Did you see Dr Harleys post recently about affair partners trying to make their new relationship work? Per his post 95% of affairs do not last. You should continue to act with that fact in mind. The A will end! And if you want, you will be there for her when it does.

Has she read any statistics or reality about divorce? Tell her you would rather spend a few hundred dollars now on last ditch counseling efforts prior to D in hopes of not spending $1000's on divorce attorneys. Then find a anti-D counselor quick. Say you changed your mind about the D agreements. You are "rethinking" custody since she is the one leaving. Drag.

Talk to her parents more. Get them as allies.

Ask her if this is really going to happen then could she at least consider a few things last things. My wife gave me a promise early on that she would read anything I gave her. Arm yourself with stats and stories. In states where the waiting period is long for divorce to be final, many couples end up reconciling in the meantime. Long term surveys of couples who were very unhappy show 5 years later that they were now fairly happy. Thats the part in the vows about better or worse. Right now its worse but it will get better.

Did I post my analogy to you before about feelings? I don't know if any of this will help but here are some things that helped me.

1) What would she do if she only had 6 months left to live?


2) Analogy:
Feelings and emotions are like riding in a dinghy in a stormy ocean. Storms and feelings come and go, waves toss you about in all different directions. It is easy to sink by acting on feelings because you never have direction to find harbor or land. But faith, morals, values, and vows are the lighthouse. Guided by the lighthouse you will find what you need.

Feelings come and go. Just as she has fallen out of love with you she CAN fall out of love with OM. Then you will have a chance to fall in love with each other again if she can see to give your marriage that opportunity. But of course you cannot fall in love again if she is still desiring OM. She is letting her feelings control her.

3) Have you been praying?

4) anti depressants. My wife committed to NC many times and broke them all. I still don't have that. But on Friday 12/21 she started on Zoloft. Yesterday she said I have become an amazing man (through plan A), that she knows she wants to be with me to dance at our children's weddings and see our grandchildren born. She attributes a big mood shift to the ADs.

5) I sent email to OM... "Please know I will do whatever it takes to keep my family and marriage together." It lets him know that you have a way bigger committment to this than he does. Maybe it will set him thinking about greener pastures with less baggage.

You are correct that divorce is not the termination of your relationship given kids involved, just a "reframing" of your interactions.

You might want to think about plan B more just to protect yourself right now. People who divorce do get remarried. Divorce does not mean death. There will be a chance after the A ends even though a D might have happened.

I will say a prayer for you. They worked for me.

Very sad day today....I have finally come to the realization that I can no longer emotionally deal with the pain and cruelty being willfully and intentionally inflicted. I know a lot of what she may be saying is fog, but she is continuing to move forward towards divorce using her ex-husband as the attorney. He is doing it for free and propositioning her every step of the way for SF like the true scumbag ambulance chasing attorney he is.

I told her today that I am no longer going to wait for him to fit her divorce filing into his 20 hour work week, simply waiting for her to drop the axe on me while I am begging her for mercy for the sake of our family.

I told her I hired an attorney yesterday, met with him today and will have her served tomorrow since that is what she wants. We have agreed to split everything 50/50 including joint physical and joint legal custody of our child which I am more than okay with. I don't want this to be ugly as she is still the mother of our child and simply want to get this over with as soon as possible.

I called her from the attorney's office to get some information from her and she was shocked that I was being so proactive.

These actions may fly in the face of MB principles, but I can no longer function at my job and this ongoing cruelty is effecting my ability to be a father to my child. Holding out hope and continuing Plan A while tolerating her vicious behavior is no longer something I can deal with one more day. I told her that I want to get this done in the next 45 days if possible, but that depends on how soon we can get a court date.

I've gotta tell you that for me personally, this action I have taken is very sad as I never thought I would be the one to end our marriage. I do however feel like I have temporarily gained a small amount of control of my life again, at least for today.

I continue to pray about the future of our family and am trying so hard to put this in God's hands, but it is so hard to just let go and let God.

I love my wife and my daughter more than life itself and would still lay down my life for either one of them. Letting her go and try and be happy (even if that is with someone who has ruined his own family and ours) is so hard, but I have to let her go and just concentrate on my daughter and myself.

Should I go into a Plan B at this point or simply continue Plan A? We do plan on separating very soon and just need to work out a temporary agreement until the divorce is finalized. Thoughts, prayers and feedback are greatly appreciated.

What do you want to do MiN?

If you still want to save the M, I guess given the divorce filing etc. I would suggest a well crafted Plan B letter and going dark through the D. process.

Perhaps this will be what it takes to wake her up to the reality of her decisions. I'm sure others that have been here longer and seen more will be able to help you more than I.

Did you ever get the STD tests back?

I will start working on a Plan B letter and schedule an appointment with the Harleys regarding the details of Plan B.

On a better note, got the tests back yesterday and they were all negative.

The other option would be to back off the D proceedings entirely for now and continue plan A, setting up a better Plan B scenario.

I worry that you are REACTING and not ACTING in this D filing.

Well at least one silver cloud is that since you are filing you'll be the petitioner. If you have a change of heart closer to the final date, you can always nonsuit the divorce and she'll have to start over. That's what I did. I was 2-3 days away from the final decree being entered when I dropped the suit. He never refiled. We are happily recovered.

BigPicture...thanks for taking the time to give your feedback.

I have been praying throughout every day. WW absolutely will not lift a finger, read a thing or even talk about reconciliation at this point.

She has said that she knows she can not be with OM permanently and knows she is making a decision to give up half of her daughter's life as well as growing old alone. She also said that by doing so she won't have to worry about anyone hurting her anymore (referring to me not meeting her EN's).

How can you reason with this kind of thinking? This thing just needs to run it's course and I have decided to try and trust that God will take care of this.

I did not file for divorce to shake her back into reality, just did it because I had to in order to be able to function again.

That being said I am still willing to talk reconciliation before, during and after the divorce if she agreed to NC with OM. I guess I will have to make that clear in my Plan B letter.

PrincessMeggy....great idea....never thought about that. I will keep that in my hip pocket and use it as needed.

I have read that the one who files has more control over the D process than the one who is served. MiN can now instruct his lawyer to slow-play the process if he wants, giving more time for exposure and plan B to work.

MiN, I'd really advise you to push for you to be the one who stays in the house and retains primary physical and legal custody of your child. This is not the time to be nice. Let your lawyer do the dirty work.

Hope you finished getting your finances isolated and safeguarded, and that your lawyer knows your WW drained the bank account. I also hope your lawyer can come up with a way to remove WW from the marital home.

The only drawback is if she cross-files (which is pretty rare). In that case, all bets are off and the D moves forward. The only reason someone would x-file is if they were trying to make themself petitioner on a related issue. Like I said, that's pretty rare in a standard D case.

Just talked to my attorney and he liked PrincessMeg's idea as a backup plan. Since we have agreed to everything she will not be filing a cross petition which will give me the ability to stop this before it becomes final and buy some more time as needed.

I know everyone here might disagree, but I think the biggest priority for me right now is to work on a temporary separation agreement which will buy me more time emotionally to continue with a Plan A while separated. This also might give her the freedom and reality she needs to decide if this is what she really wants. Thoughts anyone?

True because the FILER is the one bringing the suit and it's up to him/her to prosecute it (see it through). The Respondent/Defendant (person who is sued) defends him/herself throughout the suit and attempts to get whatever they want.

One thing though is that some courts have fast-track dockets and they'll move a case through at the speed of light. Of course, there are always ways to delay but you really have to be on top of that.

Excellent plan. You filing and getting temporary orders in place will let you feel a little more in control over things and will SHOW her that you're serious and fully able to protect your rights... if not your heart... right now.

Once you have temporary orders in place, any further discussions re divorce can be referred to your attorney. You get to say the magic words, "I don't do divorce so you'll need to talk about things like that with my attorney. How was your day sweetie?"

Filing first is definetely advantageous.

So much so that if I were you I would have hesitated allowing her to know it's coming. Her exhusband attorney could file and serve you first thus taking the superior position for themselves.

That being said:

Since you are going for 50% be sure to ask for 50% plus at least one day. IRS deductions, unless you agree otherwise with specific language and requiring specific forms, use a tie breaker formula and will go to the parent with the most overnights. Even if you do decide on 50-50 in the end, you'll forever have to document that you got 50 + one day to insure you get those deductions. It's likely you are just dividing them up in the agreement but you don't have to if you can insure getting it every year by asking for a couple more days than 50% with your kids every year.

One downside of filing first...you may request 50-50 to be nice and she responds, balls to the walls, with a full custody demand with you getting every other weekend and a midweek visitation. You'll have to amend your complaint for the same or negotiate towards her.

Finally...you really should make her move out and YOU stay. It's the right thing to happen when SHE's the one that cheated and quitting on the marriage. You shouldn't have to endure further abuse of some OM coming into your own home once you've left.

Sorry if I'm missing something as I haven't read from the beginning. If you remember MyWifeIlove's story...he separated from his wife, went to Plan B to regroup and then, with Jennifer Chalmers counsel went back into Plan A. His wife was living with OM and he saved/got her out of that situation and saved his family. With God, all things are possible.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

How did it go today???


Also...I thought about the fact she's going to have her ex-husband represent her in the divorce case.

Is he a divorce attorney????

If not, what is his speciality???


FREE lawyers generally suck. Without being compensated that file will generally be ignored to the nth degree.

You don't have to lay down just because she's got a free lawyer. Consider this...the harder and longer you fight the more likely her xh will become frustrated and mess up. He wants a quick and easy free matter...not something that drags on and on and on. Plus...you won't get stuck with having to pay her legal fees...just try to find a way to document that he's representing her for nothing up front so they don't attempt to stick you with a bill just for the fun of it.

Mr. Wondering

Then again...my opinion's above were free.

So what's that tell ya! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mr. W

As luck would have it, her ex-husband got the thing filed late yesterday so my plans for filing were out. He doesn't specialize in divorce, but does do it about 25% of the time.

My attorney completely agreed in regards to free representation, but if we can get this done with agreeable terms that are fair I would just assume get it over with if her mind is set on it. If she decides we can reconcile after the divorce once the affair is over than I am open to that under the right conditions.