Sounds like a great thing to put in a card and mail to her.

Have you informed the OMW that the OM is in contact with your W again?

No and I'm not sure it would do any good since her divorce is already final and she has said she wants nothing to do with her WH.

I'm not sure I follow then - who is this BS that the OM is complaining about then?

Keep venting here. (Since OM is such a lame, whiny person you don't want to come across the same way.)

Reread the Carrot & Stick post. Plan A isn't a lifelong sentence to a one-sided relationship.

As Catperson said, you should let her know how you feel. I wasn't always good at articulating my negative emotions to my WW. (I often just sucked it up, even before her A.) You should explain in a non-judging, non-threatening way that her continued interactions with OM really damage your M, and make it hard for you to keep your love for her. If you ever do get to a point of Plan B or Plan D, you want to be sure she had full knowledge of what she was doing and the likely consequences.

What helps you remember why you are doing this? How's your LB balance?

Take care of yourself.

- WG

Sorry for the confusion....it is actually FBS and as they are now divorced.

Thanks WG....my daughter and the good interactions I have with my WW that remind me of what used to be my W is that keep me doing this. My LB balance is getting better by the day and the good news is that she continues to read SAA and has commented about the Love Bank. Unfortuntately the only commentary she has had on the Love Bank has been that I had bankrupted her Love Bank prior to the affair which is how she seems to justify everything.

I guess I need to let her know that I have a Love Bank of my own and mine is getting dangerously low while I continue to fill hers. I guess I will need to go to Plan B when my Love Bank is empty or I run out of teeth whichever comes first.

Well, of course it is no justification. However, can you take a step back and see if you did perhaps empty her Love Bank? I've heard (though it didn't play out this way in my M) that sometimes a BS's willingness to admit to marital fault can penetrate some of the WS's fog. Of course it has to be sincere, honest, and accurate.

I would consider if she continues to read SAA, that is a mildly good sign. She hasn't, for example, totally given up on the M. I struggled with 'loving detachment', but if you can avoid getting too beaten up yourself, I think you have reason to hope.

Rotten luck that OM Plan D'd before all this.

- WG

I wouldn't be too sure she is going to see her friends at all. But you might expose to them. Emphasize that you really want to build a good M with WW and that you are concerned about your DD.

I'm not sure that this is in (or out) of the MB-playbook, but you could ask (not beg) her to change her mind shortly before she plans on leaving. (The theory being that you are trying to protect her from a mistake she will one day regret.) Tell her that you are concerned that she will be too tempted to meet with OM and that it will hurt you personally and your M's chances at recovery. Ask her to go visit someplace (180 degrees away from OM) with you and DD instead. Leave both of your cell phones behind. Don't talk at all about the M unless she initiates and just enjoy each others company. Hopefully this will frustrate OM. Its a longshot, but hotels are cheaper than lawyers.

- WG

Still trying to work my Plan A. My WW continues to move closer to me, calling me to do stuff occasionally, joking around, TM'ing me and just calling to talk. Sometimes it's even a little flirty. However she also continues to talk to OM on the phone and send TM's back and forth constantly. This morning she had another call coming on in her cell and told me it was her boss, but it was in fact OM. That kind of stuff is really painful, but I still continue to turn the other cheek and don't say a word. I can't seem to use the "Stick" in Plan A without LB'ing so I just continue using the "Carrot". I need to get a lot better at reverse babble I guess so I can use the "Stick" occasionally.

She is still planning on going out of town to see "friends" this weekend and I believe she is really going to see her friends, but since OM is now also in the same town I would be shocked if she didn't see him while she was there.

From what I can tell she is making no effort to stay away from him now so less than a week after she desperately wanted to stay away from him and try to get over him I am back to square one again.

This Plan A is a living ******. One step forward and 10 steps back and each time it happens my Love Bank just gets decimated and I get angrier and more bitter. Then she'll start acting sweet, flirty and starts filling my Love Bank again and the whole process happens all over again.

The whole thing really makes me constantly think about just giving up, getting over her and moving on. The only thing that keeps me from doing that is my daughter. This emotional roller coaster is the worst and I constantly have to keep myself from trying to control the situation in a lot of ways, but I am doing better at just letting go and letting God.

Thanks for continued support and feedback.

Different day, same story. WW picks fight with me again and says it's because of the triggers she is feeling over what I have done in the past. Now when I say what I have done in the past we are talking about things like, not pay enough attention to her, I lied about business finances probably 8 to 10 times in the past 5 years.

What I have done is be a faithful husband who has always loved his wife and never so much as even flirted with another woman, never raised my voice to my wife, never called her one name and avoid arguments and compromise with her regardless of whose at fault. I have been a tremendous father to our child and since she told me she was unhappy I have literally done everything in my power to make her happy, change, show her affection and fix finances.

What I have got in return is a wife who has had an EA and a PA, lied to me literally hundreds of times, blamed me for everything that is currently going wrong in our marriage, name calling, yelling, bad mouthing to her friends and family and kicking me in the teeth repeatedly by reeling me and my emotions back to her whenever she feels me pulling away. Once she gets me back, she then goes running back to OM, lying to me repeatedly about it, then starts the whole process all over again. I have fallen for it every single time and have noticed in the past week that I am really starting to trigger on much smaller things by being angry and bitter. Luckily I have done okay keeping that anger and bitterness to myself, but the constant blaming of me for everything is what really gets to me.

I would never in a million years put someone through what she is putting me through, yet she could absolutely care less even though she knows exactly what she is putting the father of her child through. It would be so much better if she would just be a little less selfish and just let me go instead of hedging her bet,

I want to tell her so bad that if OM is such a catch than take your a** out of state to him, leave your daughter and me alone and go discover what the real world is going to be about with this OM. He is a worthless waste of humanity who threw his own family away and has proven that he is a complete liar, a repeated cheater and cares less for his own child than he does his own sexual gratification.

I am really fighting the urge to confront him in person and let's see what kind of a man this guy really is. He would run for the hills if he saw me coming and given the opportunity would do the same thing to my WW that he did to his wife of 17 years and his own child.

I guess you can tell that I am really having a hard time not LB'ing right now.

My WW is not the person I fell in love with any more and she is making it easier and easier to get over her on a daily basis by her repeat offenses and I am starting to wonder whether this is worth the effort anymore.

Constructive feedback and a pep talk is obviously needed and if it wasn't for my daughter I would no longer need MB any longer. I would have just let my wife screw up her own life and done what I could do to be happy. It is all so unfair....my WW throws our family down the toilet and I either have to be here to try and rebuild something she continues to tear down OR I only get to see half of my daughter's life. I am furious right now.

Hi MIN,
I feel like old friends following your story. How r u?? How is the sitch??

Let me see if I remember correctly... OM is in different town right?! How far is that away? WW has to make very explicit effort to see him right? He can't just stop by after work right? That is very good. You live in same town. You have many years together on your side. You have DD together! You know her best. You CAN just drop by, you CAN invite her over for shish kabobs or whatever her favorite food is. You have full custody right now? Email her pics of your beautiful baby from last night when you dressed her up in a new dress.. and WW missed all the fun cooing baby talk. Send her video tape of such times.

See what I mean. Forget about A as much as possible. It will end on its own. When it does you better look like the obvious choice who has accepted her, supported her, helped her, forgiven her. I might suggest going to Super Plan A. Send her cards, sweet nothings, drop gifts at her door, send flowers to work, write her poetry about your desires and hope for your future together, invite her to church. Gas up her car and wash it. Be surprising and romantic. Get her to notice what she fell in love with years ago. None of this has to acknowledge the A. You don't need to get kicked in the teeth each time you communicate with her. Plan A wife, plan B WW. As in post above, maybe do some activities together just like you did when you were dating. Go have FUN together! You kind of have a neat opportunity for that since you live separately as unfortunate as that is. "Hey Honey... I got a sitter. Put on your dancing shoes, I'm picking you up at 8!" Date her, woo her, court her. During our ordeal, I still joked with my WW about all this. At one point I joked I was going to join this new gym I heard about (where OM works). yeah right. Another time we talked about the money I had in savings and she joked if I had been hoarding it in case we got divorced. Eh, it seemed funny at the time.

If the rollercoaster is too much and you start picking a plan B date then good for you. YOU are deciding how you want to live your life regardless what she does. But an effective plan B requires a GREAT plan A. Make plan A the BEST thing you have ever done in your LIFE!! Don't just meet her needs, exceed them. You love her right? Then treat her like she is the most important thing in the world to you. A gift from God. But put God first and know that you will be OK and intact when this is over whether she is with you or not.

My wife kept saying how attracted she was to me as a strong CONFIDENT person and how unattracted she was to me when I was worried and depressed about all this. Very tough to do, it is totally unnatural but worth it cuz if you start acting like you are ok then you will be self confident, less worried and not hurt by whatever her actions are. In some ways you have to be where she is... She is unsure about your marriage- Whoa, whadduknow! So are you. This might be the place of reverse babble. Her: I just can't see us back together in love... You: “Neither can I if you continue seeing OM. I hope you can end this soon so we can start working on our marriage as you suggested last week!”

Are you trading weekends watching daughter?? That will tie her up every other weekend right so you can have time for yourself too. Did you get anywhere with her about what I posted that another D will only get her more D's, not happy marriage. In other words what is her goal? Long ago I told my WW I was acting on my goals, vows and principles, NOT my emotions. If her goal is happy relationship with father of her children then she should start acting like that is possible despite not feeling it now.

Have you asked her questions like in my example of selling and sales? Or what would she do if she had a year to live? Or fill out the EN's questions? Did you really plan A HER needs. Author Gary Smalley has an easier path to fulfilling EN's than Harley. They are 5 Languages of Love (the title of his book): Acts of Service (domestic), Gifts, Words of Affirmation or Encouragment, Physical Touch, and Quality Time. Which one did you miss or is her top need? You can be doing a great plan A and still miss her needs. You will be most efficient at filling her LB if its her TOP need.

I suggest you go back through this thread and find the nuggets of gold. They are in there and will help you cope and help establish you as the logical and emotional choice.

If God is part of your plan try James: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."