Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 59
T
tru2luv Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 59
She contacted me via email a few weeks ago. She asked for forgiveness of the past affair. I just told her not to contact me or him anymore. My husband was furious when I told her not to contact him too! He said I was interfering in his 'closure' that he needed by talking to her. I don't think he has a clue what closure is. I think he actually believes his own BS and doesn't realize the lies that he always tells. Stupidly, I let him convince me to call her and tell her that he needed to talk to her to be able to move on. What a manipualtive jerk and I realize in my deperation to keep my marriage I have let him manipualte me into giving him his way.
He has told me that if I contact her I am only fueling the fire and that he will not ever forgive me and he will definately be done with our marriage. I truly feel our marriage is pretty much over without her out of the picture anyway. The only thing I have to lose is to have to be a divorced co-parent to a man who will behave nasty towards me and make everyday difficult. I do not want my 5yo daughter to be a witness to that kind of abuse. I think she has seen enough!

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 63
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 63

There is usually no benefit talking to the OW, because she will usually lie or make false promises, especially in your case when she's the one who's desperately seeking to break no contact with your H. In addition, anything you said to her can and will probably be used against you by communicating it to your H in a way that's detrimental to you and benefitial to her.

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
OPs and WS' tend to babble. They want someone else to relieve their guilt. Her call to you was and is not genuine. If you grant her that honor, she will continue to use you as her personal guilt pole. She will unload on you and even get you to think you caused the A and her misery.

IMHO, stay away from the OW. When she communicates, either ignore it or expose it.

The WS wants you to enable the A, that's why he has tried to get you to approve his 'talking' with the OW. He doesn't need to talk to the OW for closure. After all wasn't that how it started? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Where are you in plan A and have you read SAA?

L.

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 59
T
tru2luv Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 59
That does make sense. She is so manipualtive and plays a good game. I guess my problem (if you want to call it one) is that I am so direct and straightforward-I am not good at 'this game'.
Thanks.

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 59
T
tru2luv Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 59
I completely got out of plan a. Have had much axiety about him talking to her and I believe seeing her again. Please inform me...what is SAA? Obviously, I have not read it. I am more than willing to get it ASAP!

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Being direct and straight forward is good. But when dealing with the A and it's resident jerks (i.e. OW & WS), you also need to know how to 'reverse babble' and other techniques which will help you stay stable and bring havoc to the A.

SAA: Surviving an Affair (Harley)
HNHN: His Needs/Her Needs (Harley)

LMBT: Love must be tough (Dobson)

Read the concepts section above and take the Emotional Needs questionnaire. Once as yourself and 2nd as your real H. It c/b an eye opener. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 59
T
tru2luv Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 59
Thank you very much orchid. I will get the books and I also saved the three links! I appreciate it so much!!

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
You're welcome. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You sound a bit better. It will get better you know. Just gotta get you strong enough to get back in control. Which btw, is what the WS tends to accuse the BS of being. LOL!!! So why argue?!?!?!? Just say.... yes, I need t/b in control.... 'cuz you aren't. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 106 guests, and 66 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
purple17, cbm800, Dodo M, Kingpin, MikaylaVaux
71,729 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,547
Posts2,322,775
Members71,730
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5