I am new on this site and I have been reading up on conflict resolution. I would like some insight into my situation. Here we go...

My husband and I have been married almost 2 years ( 2 years in January). We had a huge fight..... on Tuesday morning and he left for our trip to Vegas w/o me. It stemmed from a very small thing but I got so angry w/ him. He left his cell phone on the bathroom sink and I just picked it up and had it in my hand. He demanded that I hand the phone over to him and i told him that I was just holding it. He was getting so upset so I asked him if there was something on the phone that he was hiding. He grabbed the phone and walked away. I was so mad with him. I noticed that Iof late i get so mad with him over evry small thing. I can honestly admit that I have some resentment towards him over unsolved issues. I don't look foward to spedning time with him anymore. He is very rude to me, he ignores me and is very distant when we spend time in public and with friends. I have told him about this and he said he didn't notice the change. It gets worse becasue he is no longer affectionate w/ me except behind closed doors when he wants to be sexually intimate. I am very frustrated because I have told him everything i just mentioned but he doesn't apologize or think there is something wrong. He is great when thinsg are fine between us and treats me well but when things get bad like when we have a fight even after i apologize, he is mean and i feel like he ignores me because he knows how much it hurts me. I feel lost and i don't know what to do. We tried counselling b4 but the counsellor was awful and we stopped. Now I can't get him to go for counselling.
He left without me to Vegas on Tuesday. At first I felt ok because i didn't want to go with him and be ignored or mistreated in front of people. He is coming back sometime this weekend or so i hope.

I want to work things out but I'm not sure howw. Part of me just wants to give up.. any insight on this situation? I really don't know what to do!

sunshine,

Without having any background, the fact that your husband freaked out about holding his cell phone would indicate to me that he's hiding something. He's not treating you well. You're not treating him well.

I'd call the Harley's and set up phone counseling, ASAP.

K,

Some more background info;

We got married in Jan 2006, he's 25 and I'm 24. He's never cheated on me so I'm really freaked out that he might be cheating on me. We've had ongoing issues on and off that have been unresolved. He says I do not respect him which is his main complaint. It has not always been this way but I have some real resentment issues concerning him not hearing me out on not "being there" for me. He is emotionally unavialable and doesn't hear me out or even apologize for things done wrong. I have tried to let these things go.......him being mean for no reason, lack of affection etc but he ignores these things so I stopped bringin them up. I have been acting out my frustrations when triggered by things that he does.

I am going to go ahead and set up an appointment w/ a counsellor.

Thanks K for the advice.

You're welcome---I'm always (I mean ALWAYS) happy to be proven wrong on the affair thing---but it sounds either very suspicious or just very childish...

And if you go with the Harley's, I don't think you'll be disappointed. I had to badger a 'friend' of mine on the EA board here for over a year before he did it---and he was thrilled with the results.

S07,

While you verify what's really going on with H's choices...do you want to look at some of your own?

Choosing resentment, to not go with him on the Vegas trip (not what aware spouses who want to know the truth would choose), feeling a lot of anger "at him" over every small thing and acting on it; accepting rudeness, choosing withdrawal from your partner...lots of choices, in your own power, to look at.

Have you gotten Dr Harley's "His Needs, Her Needs"?

About apologies...you want him to own and amend, seems to me. Do you do that? Do you own and amend to him when you don't act up to your own standards?

Not saying you can make him do anything...be the cause of his actions or choices...saying you are half of the marriage, you have power...and what we most crave, we are least giving.

In your corner,

LA

lovinganyway,
Thanks for your input
I do own my mistakes, AND I am definately not perfect. i have beed a doormat for a while and I am just tired.

My choice not to go Vegas was because I am really tired of him ignoring me and being distant even when its just the two of us. I wanted us to talk before we left and he wouldn't. I just didn't want to subject myself to how he treats me. The last time we went away......... we when out for dinner and he did not look at me the whole time. That really hurts...... and i feel like its not fair. I have spoken to him about it before.He acted like he was hiding something which made me even more mad.

He came back on Friday afternoon and I initiated a conversation later in the evening. I wanted to apologize for not coming along on the trip and for getting mad over the phone issue. He ignored me the whole time while watching TV. He didn't say a word so I told him we need to talk and when he's ready to talk, I'll be right here.

I don't really know ehat else to do

Have you read Harley's article on "The Giver and Taker"? Please read it...explains why you're tired now. You had an overactive (which is destructive) Giver.

You're not bad or wrong...it happens.

Can you see the emotional manipulation going on back and forth between you? When we are in conflict for awhile, we begin to see our partners as enemies...drains our love bank...and we don't see what we, ourselves, are doing reactively.

First advice is to stop yourself from reacting and make a commitment to act. They are two different things. We react to our emotions...which means we are led by them. When we choose to not react...then we act directly from our beliefs. Big relief in that. Cuts out the pain and fear resulting from living backwards.

And after the Giver wears us out...we reach for boundaries and boundary enforcements. That's our Taker coming out...and our Taker will overdo to thwart what we didn't do...even for years...so your Taker can make decisions which will harm you AND your marriage...because it tosses a long time into an instant reaction.

I believe your H may well be having an A. Part of this power struggle I'm hearing is that both of your inner kids are out to play...tugging and pushing and hitting each others' buttons.

People who have A's are mostly in fantasy...very close to their teenaged inner child. Which is why they act so immaturely...reactively...signs to watch, not fact, 'k?

You respecting his choice...highlighting...that you will be here to talk when he chooses to IS a great response...

add one thing.

"I'll be here for two hours to listen to you. After that, I won't be. I'll be too full of resentment and anger to treat you civilly by then. I know you understand our patterns."

Your Openness and Honesty matter as much as his...up to you to speak your truth as it really is...and only you can mind your Giver and your Taker. You're responsible.

I don't do perfect...even if you did/said/believed everything perfectly, you would not be perfect. I dislike it when people say they aren't perfect...as if I said they had to be or thought they were...because that opens this huge gap of imperfections...some of which are NECESSARY to connect with others and have a full, thriving marriage and life.

Harley breaks it down really well...read about Love Busters...really get where your own DJs are simmering in your thoughts, affecting your choices and actions...and remove them as an act of self-love and love for your marriage.

Did you know you can love your marriage, even if you don't feel love for your H? I bet you did.

Please mind not apologizing for the phone...for things you aren't sorry for...because you didn't do anything wrong with his phone. You know that. You are guarding the boundaries of your marriage. When you apologize for what isn't yours...then you're trying to manipulate your partner into feeling falsely safe, or soothed, or comforted in some way. Which means you are attempting to control their emotions even through your own betrayal...and deception.

At the minimum...sounds like both of you are in withdrawal. You have a lot of raw pain, and he may have a lot, also. To come out of withdrawal, we have to go through conflict...it actually is connecting. Another reason not to apologize for the cell incident. Conflict can be healthy...hard to realize when we've been raised to believe it's disapproval, abusive, bad and wrong, though.

Can you go online and check his cell phone records from the bill? Can you check his email, too? You choosing to check what The truth is...is your obligation to your marriage. Don't spend time trying to get it out of a partner...their responsible for their half of the marriage. You, yours.

Read these boards...and get "Suriving an Affair" by Harley, so you can understand better what is involved in adultery. Understandable to feel freaked out...another to be empowered with knowledge and understanding about it.

Because of your level of frustration, I recommend also going to Al-Anon meetings in your area. I went when I was in your shoes...had no idea I could...and it helped me immensely in dealing with my own stuff. Has great stuff for your whole life.

That way you can support in real life (okay, we're real here, only you can't see us)...and here on MB. That's solid self-care...asking for support, information, different perspectives.

More books I recommend..."The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans...and "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend.

Going for clarity, not instant solutions.

I'm thrilled you are here, acting bravely and sharing honestly. You benefit others when you do...thank you for being open and questing on behalf of your marriage.

LA

LA,
Thanks again LA for your encouragement and advice.I took the time to read the Giver and Taker. It was so eye opening because I can totally relate it to how my H and I act towards each other. I realized that I have been so tired of giving and right now my Taker is in charge. Anyway, I'm sure you know all that. I went through all the basic concepts on the MB site and it is such a relief to realize that there is hope for us. I am just not sure how to handle it from this point on. I approached H and told him that I would like us to talk about us. He was reluctant at first but at least he turned the TV off. So apologized for not going to Vegas and we got into a discussion but we didn't really get anywhere because he starts to argue with me. I just couldn't take so I just let him keep going. To make a long story short, I still don't know if he is having an "A". I checked his cell and work cell. I am not sure because he works closely w/ a female colleague. I didn't find any suspicious e-mails or anything like that.
Right now, I feel that I have a clear understanding of some of our problems. All the Love busters and unmet EN have brought us to a horrible state of conflict. At least I know right now we are not in withdrawal but I can't stand arguing about evrything even when we are trying to solve issues.
Should I tell him about the MB site and that he should take time to read it so that we can be on the same page?
It was such a relief for me to have a logical explaination of what is wrong in our marriage. I at least don't feel so hopeless about our situation. Any ideas on how to present to him the idea of reading the basic concepts? Or may be we should choose the most pressing issues to start working on and go from there. What do you think. Any input from anyone and everyone is welcome and appreciated.

By the way LA, before I forget, I checked out Al-Anon on google but most of what I found seems to be reffering to help and support for Alcohol or addiction problems. May be I missed something? Do they offer support for trouble marriages too? May be I missed something.

Thanks,
Sunshine07

Thanks again LA for your encouragement and advice.I took the time to read the Giver and Taker. It was so eye opening because I can totally relate it to how my H and I act towards each other. I realized that I have been so tired of giving and right now my Taker is in charge. Anyway, I'm sure you know all that. I went through all the basic concepts on the MB site and it is such a relief to realize that there is hope for us. I am just not sure how to handle it from this point on. I approached H and told him that I would like us to talk about us. He was reluctant at first but at least he turned the TV off. So apologized for not going to Vegas and we got into a discussion but we didn't really get anywhere because he starts to argue with me. I just couldn't take so I just let him keep going. To make a long story short, I still don't know if he is having an "A". I checked his cell and work cell. I am not sure because he works closely w/ a female colleague. I didn't find any suspicious e-mails or anything like that.
Right now, I feel that I have a clear understanding of some of our problems. All the Love busters and unmet EN have brought us to a horrible state of conflict. At least I know right now we are not in withdrawal but I can't stand arguing about evrything even when we are trying to solve issues.
Should I tell him about the MB site and that he should take time to read it so that we can be on the same page?
It was such a relief for me to have a logical explaination of what is wrong in our marriage. I at least don't feel so hopeless about our situation. Any ideas on how to present to him the idea of reading the basic concepts? Or may be we should choose the most pressing issues to start working on and go from there. What do you think. Any input from anyone and everyone is welcome and appreciated.

By the way LA, before I forget, I checked out Al-Anon on google but most of what I found seems to be reffering to help and support for Alcohol or addiction problems. May be I missed something? Do they offer support for trouble marriages too? May be I missed something.

Thanks,
Sunshine07