Post deleted by RoadUntraveled

Post deleted by RoadUntraveled

I am talking about once the real recovery starts. You are hurt now but when the real recovery starts he will have to move forward to where you are now. So in reality he will have it harder once real recovery starts.

As for now, it is hard for you since you want to believe you are in recovery but from what you posted, it appears you are and he isn't.

So would you like some assistance in helping you get a plan for you to move forward whether or not he does? This plan can also be used to show him the way to recover but that will only work when HE is ready to shed his WS skin.

L.

The WS will always see the OP as better than the BS. However, your real H knows better.

The WS in my case at first said the OW was pretty, now to my H she is ugly. The difference is the character you are dealing with.

It may be helpful if you learn to distinguish when the WS is babbling vs your real H talking.

It hurt me also to hear that my H who turned WS liked OW. It hurt a lot. Made me feel unworthy.

Learning t/d a good plan A, secured my stance in me. I knew who and what I was, wanted and needed. I knew what I looked like and was capable of. When the WS would try to accuse me of stuff or let the OW call me chunky, a wife abuser, a lesbian or a child abuser...... I knew better.

See you have to consider the source of the babble and then decide if it is worth your listening to or basing your decisions upon.

When you do that, the anger will be come more manageable and you will be able to handle things better.

Believe me, it will get better for you. Not for the WS, but for you.

take care,
L.

RU,

Listen to what Orchid is telling you.

NO, the hurt we feel isn't fair. But life isn't fair.

I HATE what is happening in my life. I HATE that the man I trusted with my life so thoughtlessly threw me away for a crack addict.

BUT - they are NOT our HUSBAND'S. The are creatures who hurt people. I guess for me, the bottom line, is I LOVE MY HUSBAND and I KNOW HE LIVES DEEP INSIDE.

I don't want my pride, what's fair or not fair, ruin what chances I have for marriage restoration. Our WS one day will have to answer to a higher authority. It will happen.

Look at how graciously you can walk through this with your head held high and your LIFE is PUT BACK TOGETHER even better than before. Please, please don't get caught up in the unfairness, the anger. It will only HURT YOU in the end.

Listen to the vets who are offering their words of wisdom. You can MAKE it, you really can. I am STILL so in the middle, but I KNOW, one day, one day it will be ok. And the knife will be stopping at my heart instead of inside it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Post deleted by RoadUntraveled

Hi Road,

I'm on my way to work, I have read your post and will reply later today. We can talk about real recovery vs sweeping it under the rug syndrome. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L

RoadUntraveled - in all those books you've read, have you read Torn Asunder by Dave Carder?

There is a very good discussion of the timelines involved in Recovery in that book, and the stages that each of you "go through."

You should also know that the AVERAGE recovery "timeframe" is 2 years in length. My own took almost 6 years. But it takes commitment, endurance, work, and hope.....to get started and to continue through all the "ups and downs" encountered along the way.





What is "missing," perhaps more than anything else, is a lack of "focus." It appears from what you have written that you spend a lot of time "worrying" about the future.

You "get through" recovery "one day at a time." All you can do is handle the challenges of each day, and only the challenges of THIS day, one day at a time. In DOING what is necessary for each day, you WILL build the future you are hoping for and "avoid" the future you are worrying about.

I don't know if you and your husband are believers, but if you are, there is MUCH help in applying what God has commanded to your lives and to your current situation.


God bless.

Forever, some awesome words to live by.

One Day At A Time. You can't change the past, tomorrow doesn't exist and you can only do what you can today.

RU,

I think staying focused is an excellent way of looking at it. Often times, Mimi and many others remind me this is a war, made up of many battles. In war, you win some battles and you lose battles, but it's those losses that make you stronger and help you to learn how to win the ultimate war.

Some of those battles are minute by minute within myself just to not blow my brains out, literally. And some of those battles are with the WH. And some of those battles are within me to fight NOT TO GIVE UP. And for me, most of the battles are figuring out how to personally recover and save my M with G-d's help.

I can only speak of the pain and suffering that I live with each and every day. My WH is living with someone who made HIM CHOOSE between me or her. Which looking back on it, was brilliant. He was so addicted that there was NO CHOICE for him. He HAD TO HAVE his FIX of her.

I live with the fact that anytime they could be having SF my H could be getting hep C and killing himself. And there is NOTHING I can do. I live with the reality that everytime WH is in control and I have the misfortune of being unprepared my heart is ripped in half ONE MORE TIME.

When I was actively drinking and drugging, and in my dry drunk, I can tell you that I DID things that even though I knew they were wrong, I HAD to do it. There was a RUSH to doing the wrong, which fed on itself.

Ultimately though and what keeps me going day after day after day, is to remember one day at a time, and asking G-d what he wants me to do. I believe I am to stand for my M, so that G-d can work his miracle and heal my family completely one day.

What your H did was awful and hurtful and selfish and every other thing that you are feeling. You have a right to the those feelings and more. But I realized that in time, this pain would fade and I would regret not fighting my hardest for my H and my M. Is this easy, NO WAY. Is this fair, you bet not.

But it is what it is, and this is a wonderful opportunity for you to put your FAITH and TRUST in G-d and know that in the end, G-d will turn this into good, somehow some way.

I don't have the wisdom that the vets do on how to do the different plans. I have the FAITH that I am on this WEBSITE because G-d wanted me here to help me walk through this with you and all the others and that one day, you and I will be a source of strength and comfort to those who come after us.

You have what you need to get through this. You have G-d. There is none else, but his steadfast love on you.

Skins

RU,

I was thinking you were near the 6th or 7th month in Recovery...and I went back to your first post and realize...you're only at not even two months from DDay.

Lots of deep hurt and anger.

It's not going to stop overnight...and I know you know that. Sure wish it would.

You've had great posters on your threads, lots of great advice...and when I saw this thread come up in Recovery, I thought of you.

Hope it helps: Wasntaboutme's thread

LA

Post deleted by RoadUntraveled

Post deleted by RoadUntraveled

RU, you are not going to wake up tomorrow and suddenly not hurt. There is nothing that anyone can say to you today that will cause you to stop hurting immediately.

You do realize that, don't you?

If you had been physically assaulted at the level of emotional assault that you have received - although I'm sure you would still want to stop hurting, you would also most likely understand that the pain will not stop nor will your strength return immediately.

Things aren't much different here. In the same way that the hospital personnel push you to get out of bed and start shuffling down the hall long before you want to or feel ready to, because they know that each day you get up and do a *little* something to strengthen those wounded bones and muscles - getting through each day while taking a few shuffling emotional steps will help strengthen you in the same way. That's what folks here are trying to get you to see.

Your emotional pain is not going to instantly dissipate. Your options are to stay in the emotional hospital bed while your muscles atrophy and you continue to lose strength, or you can drag yourself up for a short time each day and get through that day.

And the next day.

And then the next.

Making choices. Maybe just one choice initially that will move you an inch or two further down the road to healing.


If it is too much for you to get over, you will then make a choice as to what to do next. Life doesn't hand us any guarantees. Are you going to insist that you should be given a one?

Going back to that physical assault example. You may find that you will have to walk with a cane. You may find that when it rains, your parts hurt. OTOH, some people come back *stronger* after a physical attack because the physical rehab work and effort results in them being stronger and healthier than they were before.


Why were you separated?



In whom did you place your hope? Your husband?

Your goal cannot stop at wishing that the pain would stop.

It might not be fair, or pleasant, but your goal will have to include *working* at making yourself stronger so that the pain is no longer totally incapacitating to you.

Well, I HATE the whole phsical attraction thing.......

I KNOW that some people have that need, but I would not feel good having SF with someone who was NOT attracted to me.

My ex's OW was 20 years younger than I, and beautiful and tiny.

And the funniest thing is my ex gained weight throughout our marriage. He was about 260 pounds when he started his affair. I should have been relieved not to have him sweating and gasping on top of me.

The BS is not responsible for the A but may have contributed to the demise of the M and R.

Based on that, the BS can learn how to repair that deficiency and move forward. Plan A helps in that regard. If your H is still a WS AFTER you have completed your plan A and your heart and mind are in sync, then plan B is a good option. Why? It helps you get control back of your life and gives the WS back their guilt.

Right now you are in anguish, you are frustrated and somewhat in shock. You want a solution but an instant solution is not available.

If you give us a chance, we can share what has helped us. If you want to hear more gory stories, you will hear about them and then some. This along with the recommended reading and MC counseling from Steve, Jennifer @MB or a good MC familiar with MB concepts will help.

Once your WS sheds his WS skin and works t/b coming your H again (hopefully a better H), then your recovery or healing must begin. Go read what I posted to MVG. I put several links in that thread which may be helpful.

A BS goes through various stages, which I call the 5 stages of grieving. I believe the link to that thread is in MVG's thread.

Here's the link: MVG's thread.....a question for Orchid

Read up and let us know if you have any further questions.

take care,
L.

Post deleted by RoadUntraveled

Hi Road,

I've not posted to you before that I can recall. I completely understand where you are right now. I didn't discover MB and the Forum until just about 15 months past dd.

I was in the same place you are right now then. Affair over, NC. Heck my FWH was relieved to be rid of OW.

But the pain and hurt left over from the lies and betrayal, that lingers. And lingers, and lingers.

Like you, I just wanted it to be over, wanted to stop remembering it, I wanted to wake up just one morning and not have it be the first conscious thought that I had.

My FWH just wanted me to forget about it. It was a mistake, he was sorry that he ever did it, end of discussion.

It took me so long to get to the point where I ACCEPTED that no matter what he did, he couldn't change the past.

It took even longer for him to ACCEPT that I was never going to forget and that sometimes, even now after 4 years, it makes me sad.

I know that you don't want to hear that it takes time, but those of us who have been thru this would be lying to you if we told you that there was some magic pill or potion that was going to take away your pain.

Building a better, affair proof marriage helps. Knowing wih certainty that there is NC helps, having your FWS at least trying to show a smidge of understanding that for you, this WAS the worst thing that has ever happened to you, and THEY did it. THEY caused this horrible pain.

But, the reality here is that even with all of the above, it still takes a long, long time for the pain to dull.

I don't feel the pain anymore. I don't wake up thinking about FWH "with" the OW. But, still, deep down inside, there is a sense of sadness that still exists. Mostly, I choose to ignore it and focus on what is good in my life, but sometimes, it gushes to the surface and I find myself with tears in my eyes.

Who

((((RU))))

Your description of h wanting you to move on because the affair is over with indicates that his thinking process is still clouded by the A. This is the reason it was recommended you read up on the Plans A and B.

Let me share with you that my H said the same words to me and many others here have heard the same words from their WS's. The A and B plans are more for protecting the BS from further damage by the WS. It puts the BS into a place of power and control over her/his own life because it gives a plan for getting through the pain of the betrayal while keeping one's dignity intact.

As far as what you should be doing, I say you should be looking out for the best interests of yourself and your children. You personally are dealing with all the stress and grief that comes with betrayal and the loss of the M as you've known it. So my first advice is to look-up the stages of grief and see what emotions you personally will be dealing with. I've used www.coping.org for a lot of info. It has the "tools for handling loss" including working on anger, etc.

Please journal your feelings. This can be the most effective form of recovering, whether you stay in the M or not. It lets you get your feelings out and records your perspectives. Journaling gives you something concrete to gauge your progress with.

Also, since your H is still foggy from the A, you might want to "write" what you have to say to him in letters, vs "talking" to him about it. Reading about a person's pain and struggles can have a profound impact on some people (esp those with intimacy issues) because it provides a safe zone. Many BS's fighting for their M's have written their questions and to their WS's, and had the WS respond in kind. It takes the pressure off to say "the right thing" in the moment during a discussion and allows time for introspective, honest replies.

My second piece of advice is to ask yourself what you want and expect for your M and from your H from this point on. What do you want from yourself? I know the "what do you want from yourself" may seem like a strange question, but it is very important since your not certain whether you even want to be M to H or not.

I can honestly say, most BS's feel the very same feelings toward their WS's in the early stages (and some even later) after finding out about the A. To many of us, if we stay with our betrayer, then we are betraying ourselves because we "would never tolerate cheating".

Answering the "what do I want from myself" helped me see the healthy boundaries and actions I want to have so I maintain strong relationships. It allowed me to give my M a second chance. I know that I won't allow myself to to be fully invested in my M and let my H slide without being the same. From myself, I want a price for my H to be M to me, and that's for his full investment in the M too. I'm not saying that he has to be perfect, because I'm not either. But I expect us to be working on building our M and building up each other for the rest of our marriage.


As far as placing your hope in our Heavenly Father, I'm glad that you're doing this. Our heavenly father wants the best for us. He wants you to love Him and give Him the glory. His ultimate desire is you and your H to have a strong, solid, loving M that glorifies Him (His desire for every valid M). He wants your children to be happy and healthy and strong in the Lord. This is why you place your hope in Him. Because He truly wants the best for you and loves you.

I'm not saying He expects you to stay or not stay in the M at this point. This is something you and H have decide because you know the circumstances and reality of the M.

I felt let down by God following my dday, but I came to realize that He was hurting to from it. I understand now that while He wanted what was best for me and my H, we made free-will choices that locked God out from having what He desires too.

Hang in there, RU, and know that you're loved!

Jewel

RoadUntraveled - I have neither the time nor the patience to help someone who does not seem to want help. So I'll keep this very brief.

If you read that chapter in Torn Asunder and came away feeling that you are guilty for your husband's affair, then you didn't READ, or at least didn't read with comprehension. Furthermore, no MB help is going to help you either, because it is based on Emotional Needs and the impact that meeting them or not meeting them can have on a marriage that creates a "climate" where one or both of the spouses "feels" that they need to look outside of the marriage to get a particular Emotional Need met, or several EN's.

Let's get one thing perfectly clear, you did NOT "drive" your husband to have an affair anymore than I drove my wife to have an affair. The CHOICE to have an affair is 100% the responsibility of the Wayward Spouse.

But if you are not willing to look at your own "contributions" to the marital atmosphere that contributed to his feeling that he couldn't "get what he needed" from you, then NOTHING will change and it's a waste of time to try to "coach" you through the process.

While we understand you are angry, perhaps even angry at the world, over your husband's betrayal, unless you are willing to do "your part" in the recovery process there is nothing that anyone here can say or do to help you.

Recovery is NOT "Fair" and it's NOT "easy." It's HARD.

But YOU are in control of the recovery and you are in control of how it progresses or doesn't progress. If you are unwilling to make changes in yourself that might be needed, then what reason will your husband have for trying to meet YOUR needs?

That chapter in Torn Asunder was speaking specifically about "Class II" involved affairs. If your husband was in a class II affair, you might want to reread the chapter, and the entire book for that matter, as it predominantly deals with Class II affairs.

And if you don't think that a Wayward Spouse who is attempting to end an affair and recover a marriage with the Betrayed Spouse has PAIN, then you have much to learn about "their side" of the recovery process.

You took a part of a paragraph out of context to justify your anger and outrage. What the context of that paragraph said was:

"Showing empathy and understanding for the infidel's pain is not justification of his behavior. It is not being "soft" on the person who has acted inappropriately, and it is not overlooking the sin of adultery - it is simply a way to keep the infidel in the process of recovery. There will be a time in the future to confront the sin and deal with the guilt. Now is the time for understanding, not condemnation." (Torn Asunder, p. 144, emphasis added)

On MB a similar thought is expressed in "Plan A" behaviors for the Faithful Spouse.

But all of that ASSUMES you want to save your marriage and recover it and the love you both want for each other.

IF you don't want to recover it and to do what is necessary TO recover, then you also have the option for divorce. And the "responsibility" for a divorce would NOT be 50/50 either. It would be ACCEPTANCE of his choice to end the marriage when he CHOSE adultery as the "way" to handle marital problems.

I hope you really think about this and what you really want.

This message has been brought to you by the numbers "2" and "4" and the letter "N"erf.




One last thought about medicines being available to handle the pain of surgery, etc. There are also medicines available to help with the mental and emotional pains caused by adultery. They are called Anti-anxiety and Anti-depression medications. You might want to check with your doctor for a prescription. They will help you to level out the emotional swings and be able to think and act rationally, which is important if you are going to attempt to work through these very trying times of beginning recovery.

Road,

U have been getting some good support from these posters. For communication problems, I recommend reading His Needs/Her Needs by Dr Harley. He actually shows the different communication styles between men vs women. Wow.....understanding that point helped me.

My H still doesn't communicate well but he is learning (stubborn kinda guy, makes learning slow - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ). I have learned how to get my point across to him most times. It isn't easy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

READ THE ABOVE POSTS AGAIN....... THEY ARE GOOD AND THEN READ THE BOOK. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.