I am so mad I could scream....just had this convo with XH....opinions....anyone?


me: hey I know your kinda bogged down
but I need to get the schedule straight
2:59 PM Bob: k
me: would you rather get him saturday instead of friday and keep him monday
3:01 PM Bob: that's not going to be possible for me... so it would be best if the schedule remained the usual friday after work until sunday afternoon
3:02 PM me: ok I get off monday at 3
can I bring him to you for new years eve
3:03 PM Bob: New Year's Eve is not going to work for me.
me: XH
Please I have had him for new years the last 3 years....I would like to this year be able to make adult plans
3:04 PM Bob: that's a lie, SIHW, and you know it
me: no
Bob: you have repeatedly dropped DS off with us every time you have new years plans
me: maybe you had him part of the day but I
NO
Bob: it's always the evening
me: I have people who can tell you other wise
Bob: I remember at least twice he had night terrors when you just dumped him off in the middle of the night
3:05 PM and I also have people who can tell you otherwise
me: no I was down town last year with aj waiting for fire works last year...my best friend was waiting for my
me all night
Bob: you are probably thinking about 4th of july
me: the year before that we also spent with my family
no
Bob: you keep saying that you've had AJ on new year's eve for the past 3 years... you seem to forget that AJ is 4
and that he was born in August
3:06 PM me: because we ran into some people who we were supposed to meet
as well as lisa and chad
Bob: so, somewhere along the line, either you have forgotten the math... or you are mistaken about dates
me: and lisa was pregnant at the time
Bob: just because you had him on New Years doesn't mean I didn't have him as well
me: ok you probally had him during the day
Bob: right
me: becaus ewe were up together AT midnight waiting for fireworks that never came
Bob: but I do know on at least two occassions I had him during the night
3:07 PM because I specifically remember him waking up shortly before the clock changed screaming and crying for you
when he finally calmed down... it was after midnight
so, essentially, the change from one year to the next consisted of me calming him down and comforting him that you would be there for him the next day
me: hmmmm...then I would remember being at a party I have never gotten to go to
3:08 PM Bob: I believe it was because you claimed to be working for your dad that night
and went on and on about how you needed the money working for first night
each time you have a different reason
and each time your reason doesn't hold a lot of water
and once again, like clockwork, you've got another pressing issue which means that you can't uphold your end of the schedule
3:09 PM me: I will keep in during the day
you take him at night this year
it's a flip of last year supposedly
Bob: You know, I'm tired of you changing the plans whenever AJ is inconvenient for you. DS is not some sort of job that you can call in sick to.
3:10 PM me: no i asked you weeks ago about this
Bob: Let's just keep the paperwork as it is... and I'll claim him on the 2007 taxes as you agreed to and signed to.
You asked me weeks ago and I said no.
me: this is a holiday the thing we are suposed to schedule together
no you didn't
Bob: You then asked me to think about it some more and I said it is a no unless you hear otherwise.
Columbus day is also a holiday
and Boxing day is also a holiday
me: I understand you are stressed right now
3:11 PM and I am sorry for your current troubles
but this is not a way to lash out
Bob: the only holidays that count are things like his birthday... christmas... etc...
not just a day that you want to get drunk on because you're an alcoholic now
3:12 PM me: no I don't drink except the occasional 1 socially
Bob: either you act like a mother and are willing to accept the responsibilities you agree to ahead of time, or you change your life and stop acting like a teenager
me:calm down XH....seriously
Bob: I haven't been able to celebrate New Year's for the past few years because, even though it has been on your schedule to have DS, you have decided to abandon him, drop him off at my place, so that he can wake up screaming bloody murder because mommy ditched him
I have had to deal with this repeatedly and I can't handle this emotional strain anymore.
me: so you can't handle having a son <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
Bob: on top of the fact that you also tell DS lies repeatedly
3:14 PM give him false promises on my behalf
and a number of other things that maybe it's time these get dealt with as well, while you have decided that now is a good time to start rocking the boat again

me: <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> really i wasn't aware i could manifest myself into you

Bob: You can't take no for an answer.
3:15 PM And that's a serious psychological problem.
You couldn't handle being fired. You couldn't handle being rejected by your lover. And now you can't handle being like Britney Spears as a mother.
3:16 PM me: I came to ask you about a scheduling thing that wasn't clear and unfortunatly your really upset
because I asked a question about a holiday
Bob: At some point you need to grow up and realize that whatever you sign on paper is what you stick to, through thick and thin, without trying to bypass everyone and everything.
You keep asking.
I have given my answer three times.
All three times it is no.
me: have you finished venting yet
Bob: Again, take no for an answer. I don't have time to keep telling you no.
me: no "let me get back to you about it" is not a definate answer
3:17 PM Bob: If you keep harassing me about it, I will get a restraining order.
I never said that.
I said NO.
me: then you won't beable to see DS because I won't be able to be chauffer
Bob: YOU said "think about it more and get back to me."
Bob: If you can't even remember what you say to me, then every conversation will have to be recorded from now on or else you can leave messages for me through the police dept.
me: I have been amenable and fair thorough the holidays and made an effort to communicate with you better
3:18 PM Bob: If you're life is so complicated that you can't be a mother 75% of the time like you fought for, then we can discuss this in our next mediation session.
Just because you have finally stopped arguing on the Holidays doesn't mean I owe you anything more than simply following through on my part of the agreements.
Again, I have the right to say no.
3:19 PM me: i was trying to communicate with you on this small request....to which I have ....which isn't large but I understand your plans are more important.....and mine are not
Bob: I appreciate it that you didn't hijack my holidays this year like you did last year, but again it doesn't give you some sort of get out of jail free card.
me: read back on your words
Bob: How you acted on Christmas is how you should always act... it's not some sort of extra credit reward.
me: you are acting out on your stress from today
3:20 PM Bob: Ok, you're right.
This is a very bad day to ask me for favors.
So forget my lashing out and just accept my final answer, please. The answer is no.
3:22 PM I am scheduled to have AJ this weekend. I am scheduled to have AJ the following Thursday. I appreciate having AJ the time I do get, according to the schedule, as I would hope that you appreciate the additional financial support given based on this schedule.
I appreciate you giving me 4 hours to spend with AJ on Christmas and the couple of hours I got to spend with him on Christmas Eve, even though this might have put you through some tough times in your busy schedule with family.
3:24 PM Also, as I have stated several times before and even asked to get it in writing... if I don't say "yes, absolutely yes" then don't rely on me... find an alternative or just accept the schedule as it is written...
3:25 PM because I don't have the time to keep telling you no, absolutely no, every time you ask me for a favor... because I don't have the time to argue with you when you repeatedly tell me that it is some sort of sign of how I am not there for AJ... or by telling me how tough your life is...
3:26 PM If you are having a tough time dealing with life, talk to a counselor... or some other family member that you are on better terms with... if you are having a tough time dealing with the agreement we both settled on, let's go back to the mediator... but please stop coming to me every time you make a mistake in your scheduling or get your priorities confused unless you are going to be able to take "no" graciously.

OK guys....while I am upset that he AGAIN is weasling his way out of spending time with his son on a fun holiday...so wifey poo and SS have his undivided attention....I am thinking he just can't handle being a man. Yes some of you are saying just be a mom and stay home with your child....I would gladly do if I hadn't been planning a new years going away party for my best friend who is leaving and this will be the last time I see her unless I have the money to go over seas. It wasn't planned as a kid party as I had an earlier discussion with XH and he lead the convo in the direction that it was definatly possible. Am I nuts?

It's not an easy sitch to follow...But, I would suggest that you NOT try and push time on him if he is not agreeable. Document and make alternative plans if you need to head out. Hopefully you have a sitter that is available to you for just this type of situation.

I would suggest that you two get a schedule that is carved in stone...including holidays...and do NOT deviate from this except for extreme emergencies.

I'm sorry you are dealing with such an uncooperative father.

My suggestion would be that the conversation should have stopped right there.


I personally think you should back way up on this type of interaction. You can schedule your plans and via email give your X the option of first refusal if the plan coincides outside of his scheduled custody. If he says no, or doesn't respond, or responds in a non-committal way - then continue arranging your plans as if the answer was no.

I'm a big believer that children need at least one parent to choose to be the responsible one and place the child's needs above friends, extended family, holidays, and parties.

It appears that that responsibility falls upon you.

So, write of the x. What other arrangements can you make?

SIHW,

I know you're sick to death of all this stuff....the selective memory, the accusations, the threats.....but....

Here's what I know about motherhood (the hard part of motherhood):

You miss alot of parties. :{ Alot of other things too.

Just when my life finally got "easier" and my older kids didn't need babysitters....I got pregnant again at 43.....and had to start over. It doesn't help your child to fight with his dad.....no matter how justified you feel.

Hire a babysitter for New Years, or get family to watch him. If you can't do that.....re-plan your party to include children or schedule your goodbyes with your friend for a better time. New Years is not the only time to say goodbye. I don't blame you for being angry, but the resentment you're hanging onto will not help. Somebody has to protect your son....and I elect you. It's so hard sometimes.....but it does have it's rewards.

I've spent the last 10 years altering my plans because my ex suddenly changes his mind at the last minute or "has to work" (his favorite excuse) so he can't take his son.

It's my job as his mother to keep him when all else fails. I don't make plans unless it is during his dad's SCHEDULED time...and that's just the way it has to be. I don't think I've ever asked him to switch days with me or to take him because I have plans...I just don't make plans when he's scheduled to be with me...and I break lots of plans when his dad decides not to take him. That's just how it is to be a mom with primary custody.

I agree, the conversation should have stopped when it was clear he wasn't going to change his plans. No sense fighting about it.

I don't quite follow how you came up with this zinger...


Or get a babysitter, problem solved.

Bottom line is, you are divorced, so it'd be best to minimize such prolonged interactions, develop a schedule, and try to stick to it. But don't blame him for your mutual inability to communicate, it takes two.

AGG

By engaging in the argument, what did you accomplish?

Who did you help with that long argument?

Did you act maturely?

You didn't change anything. You didn't do anything that showed either of you any respect. You gathered a lot of anger and resentment on both parts and your son will catch the fallout from that.

At our house, when you ask for a favor, "No" is an answer.

My ex and I had arguments like this all the time. We still do to a much lesser extent, but I don't engage.

We have an agreement and I stick to it. Your ex said no and isn't willing to change his plans. The conversation should have ended when he said no.

Understand this: He doesn't care what you think or how you think or what you feel you're entitled to or have a right to. If you wanted primary custody, then deal with the consequences and responsibility of that. Kids take priority over anything and everything else.

You child is being used as a weapon. It's sad to see.

How is this? You yourself are wielding him as a weapon. Guilt tripping your ex about spending time with his son is using your son as a weapon.

Don't do it.

You do need to spell out who has what time with your DS to include holidays.

I take my kids whenever the ex offers them to me and the favor is never returned. Be the bigger person.

SIHW,

I don't want you thinking we don't understand how frustrating this must be for you. I think many people here have been in a similar place. This is another crummy day living in the wake of infidelity/divorce.....but our answers are concentrated on how to avoid these situations and brainstorm some solutions that don't depend on his co-operation.....because obviously....he's not interested in a flexible co-parenting structure. So recognize that these convos are like beating your own head against a wall.....and steer clear of them.

There's nothing wrong with trying to swap scheduling.

Life has a way of making us deal with what is, rather than what we wish it would be.

It would be great if you could get cooperation from him, but hasn't he proven that he isn't willing to do that with you? Cooperation is not an option you currently have and I would encourage you not to have expectations that he will cooperate now or in the future.

Start from that place and be willing to drop it as soon as "no", "I'm not sure", "we'll have to see" comes out.

Whenever my ex is sick and asks me to take the kids, I take them. Whenever I'm sick and ask her to, she doesn't.

The difference? When I call to ask her if she can take them, I already know her answer. If I show any inflexibility, she gets very upset. But the key is to not argue back and simply accept that they will never, ever, be there for you.

Understand that this has nothing to do with your son. You have plans. He has plans. Your son is the hot potato neither one of you wants to deal with on an adult holiday like New Years.

My ex called me last year to tell me that my daughter was having a "Daddy day" on the night of the Super Bowl. I had a party planned with guests arriving to watch the game on a night I wasn't scheduled to have her. What did I do?

I could have lectured, said no, etc. I didn't. I kept my plans for my get together and I still took my daughter. I spent most of my night taking care of her and missing the game, but I didn't care.

Would she have done the same for me? No. Don't expect the ex to feel any remorse, regret, or guilt over anything. The sooner you accept this fact, the sooner you can live with some peace inside.

No....I have to give him first right of refusal....so calling and asking for clarification on something he alluded to was possible before...is not using my son as a weapon.

I agree when he asks for me to pick him up earlier or to alter a schedule for him....it's all good...but if I ask it's another story....he does it all the time. Recently he is upset because I have demanded that he split the transportation 50/50....no more me driving 20 miles both ways to pick DS up and drop off...financially it was killing me on gas. He has to do some WORK and I am paying for it now. When he gets the chance to "punish" me by screwing with my plans he makes full effort. Usually he will go into full mood swing like here and start crying. I have stopped reacting like I used to (hot blooded italian temper) and just look at him with a bored stare and try not to laugh. He was also having a bad day yesterday because he found out his cat needed $1300's worth of surgery....this all came after he was asking me about the animals symptoms all morning and me calling old collegues and then telling him he needed to get the cat to the vet ASAP. I just need to stop helping....