Well, my wife views it as infidelity, if that helps.

I think I married young because, again, I developed slowly and did not have very many girlfriends. My wife was my third GF ever, and she pressured me into marriage. Not that it was all her idea, I wanted to, and was glad we did.

Honestly, my gut tells me that the best thing for me to do is to move on, and let her make the next move. If I show that I am fine without her and she has time to cool off I think she'll come back.

I'm honestly just afraid she will take too long.

Depends on what you know about your wife. Do flowers mean anything to her? Some women love receiving flowers - and that may be based on what their love language is. Other women don't love receiving flowers and the gesture would mean nothing and could even be irritating if it is perceived as an impersonal, lazy attempt.

See what I mean?

What does she find special and important?

If you are "fine" without her after what you have done...and what you have lost..I suggest that you have a lot more growing up to do than I previously thought.

This is not about manipulating her into coming home...it is about making real changes in your life to be the man and husband you should have been all along.

Well, how well has your gut led you so far in your marriage?

If you have been a needy, clingy, grabby spouse then pulling back from those behaviors might be appealing to her.

If you've been a withdrawn, self-centered, un-interested in her spouse, then what your gut is telling you to do will further destroy your marriage. Because that would just confirm her suspicions that she means nothing to you and that you're only concerned with yourself.

How important is she to you? If she is important to you, have you conveyed that to her? And if you have conveyed it, how did you do so?

Oh yes. She loves flowers. I sent some to her work last year for our anniversary. She was happy, as she got to show them off to others. I'm leaning toward doing this.


No, no. I mean that in the sense that if I act as though I am strong and able, she will find more reason to return. In contrast to crying, begging, pleading for her to return, which I think might make her feel like she is doing the right thing and to avoid me forever. Does that make sense?


I am ready to change, I have a plan, I am ready to make concessions and to find some counseling, etc. I just need to know how to approach her with this.


Noted. But in my defense, I have obviously been sleepwalking through my marriage lately. My gut instinct does have some merit. But I am willing to try anything.


Quite the opposite, I am afraid.


Again, so I think I'm going to send her flowers. Like I said earlier, I did text her that I am missing her. And she responded likewise. I guess I will have to wait until the dinner date to show her that I can change behaviors. If that ever really happens


Very much so. I have not conveyed that at all, I'm afraid.

So you "changed" your drinking pattern? I would suggest you stop altogether, and let your wife know that.

And I would call her and tell her something like "You know that talk you wanted to have? Well, I'm ready now, and will do whatever it takes to save our marriage."

cousin,

Your plan (which sounds like "playing hard to get" ala highschool) is to make her think you're fine without her. You've already neglected and hurt her so much....she probably already believes that. She is unlikely to be impressed for long by flowers. Why not stop playing games and actually show her you aren't fine without her....that she is the love of your life....more important than alchohol, more important than ego stroking by other women, more important than TV.

*Read the part of the main site devoted to "lovebusters". Figure out what yours are and stop doing them.

*Read the article "Why Women Leave Men" so that you understand how close you are to losing your wife forever.

*Go back to church....whether she joins you or not. It will make her think better of you, and it will be good for you too.

*Offer to go to Marriage Counseling with her. Pairs really is a fantastic program. The MB weekends are not just for infidelity....they would be great too. Retrouvaille is also a wonderful program. Or Imago. There are tons of places to get help, including private counselors and clergy. But take the initiative rather than pretending you don't care.

*Go to an AA meeting and take your alchohol use seriously. If it causes you to hit on your wife's friends....it's probably a problem big enough require some outside help from people who understand.

*Buy some of the books....I would suggest "Love Busters" first....but also "His Needs Her Needs"....you need to really understand both concepts.

What will matter to your wife are real changes you can demonstrate and stick to....consistently over time. Any games, temporary fixes etc.....will just prolong the end....not recover your marriage.

Good Luck. Welcome to MB. Please keep posting. Right now...you're going to have to hear some difficult truths....but if you can listen and apply what you learn here....I'll bet your wife will give you another chance. It sounds like she loves you. Stop hurting her. Cherish her.

Yeah, I thought about whether or not I was an alcoholic. I thought about how a denial being the first step is circular reasoning. But I went to a counselor, and he's says I'm not at risk. I really don't drink that often, any relationship problems I have I believe are deeper rooted, and complicated by alcohol.


This seems to be the general consensus, and the route I will take.


It's all so true. I will try my hardest.

Larry -

Listen to Starfish. She is an expert. I'm not trying to give you a hard time, but I DO believe that your marriage is very salvageable.

And if you are NOT an alcoholic, it is easy. STOP drinking because it is causing you prolems.

If you can't stop drinking to attempt to save your marriage, there may be a problem.

Well, here's my card to her that is attached to her flowers.

"******,

I want to apologize for hurting you. I'm ready to have that talk you wanted, and I hope that you decide to go to dinner with me. I want to listen to you.

Miss you always,
****

(210 character limit)

Any thoughts?

Ah NUTS <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> ,

I really wasn't going to post anymore but I cannot stand this.

Larry, you are young and you are not well educated with regard to relationships.

Your next steps are in this order:

1. Decide if you love this woman.

2. If you do, tell her you do. Tell her you miss her. And start treating like you love her.

3. After you have done that read the articles on this site about needs and then get down to a book store or order on line His Needs Her Needs by Dr. Harley. READ IT, and then READ IT again. Then if your W expresses any curiousity about your changes in behavior, tell you read a book that showed you something about relationships.

4. Admit that what you did was wrong, and apologize...profusely.

5. If you don't love her ignore all that I said after one.

Son, this stuff is really simple, it just isn't easy. You have to decide if you are going to be a husband that makes your W proud or a husband that at best she tolerates. Your call, your life. YOU get to make this decision she does not. You promised to love her and that is a verb. In another words it is not a feeling loving her is an action that YOU do, and you can do for the rest of your life IF you meant your vows.

So quit playing games and get down to it. Learn how to be in a good marriage, a good relationship and how to be the type of husband your W needs. If you do you will not regret it, I can promise you that. If you love the woman, tell her. Make sure there is NO DOUBT in her mind that she is your woman.

What you may not realize yet is that when you married you vowed to quit looking for better. There is better out there, of that there is no doubt, but there is NO ONE out there that YOU CHOSE and promised to be faithful to and love. That makes her truly unique. Time to treat her like she is unique. She is the woman that you chose and the woman that gave her life to you.

Think about it. Do some reading and do some learning.
The path is simple and straight forward, it is not easy. Are you a man who quits or are you not?

Think about it.

God Bless,

JL

so i just called her, as she was texting me if I was going to be home tonight because she wants to pick some stuff up. She seemed rather irritated that I didn't text her back when she thanked me for the flowers, but I just didn't know what to say. She was on the verge of tears the entire time on the phone.

I asked her if she'd like to go away somewhere for the weekend, in which she said no.

So is it a good sign that she was breaking up on the phone? Should I take that as if she still cares? I really am lost, and don't know where to go from here.

Ugh, she also left me a myspace comment. It was an innocent picture of a car I like, but still...

It took me almost three hours to come up with that flowers card, imagine a myspace comment

Larry, just say I love you on the myspace comment!