I guess this would be a good place to add a link to my previous thread but I have no idea how to do it lol! If anyone could tell me it would be much appreciated.

A brief outline: WH left home 13mths ago after the "I haven't loved you for years" speech. Found out a few weeks later there was an OW. 6 mths later WH ends A and says he wants to come home, this lasted about 10 days! Found MB at this point and was overjoyed to find a plan that could help to restore my marriage. WH moved in with OW a couple of weeks later. Continued to plan a and to improve myself which resulted in WH fence sitting, flirting with me, constant txt, e-mail and IM messages, paying me compliments and often crying on my shoulder (something he doesn't normally do).

After being told by several wonderful posters here that it was time for Plan B, I finally was at the point were my "head and heart were in sync" and gave him the letter Christmas Eve. Although being the nice person that I am, I did tell him not to open it for a couple of days as I didn't want to ruin his Christmas!

So, I'm guessing he read it yesterday and so far so good! Early days I know but contact has been avoided! WH visited my page on a community website yesterday but left no message and has phoned twice today, once while I was out and again later which DD14 answered. WH confirmed that he has read the letter, that it upset him but he knows why I have gone down this road.

I'm expecting things to get more difficult before they get better, I'm sure that I will miss him (or at least the H he used to be) and I'm sure that at some point he will probably get angry at me, but for now I am feeling positive and hope that those who have advised me in the past will carry on and that some plan B experts will chime in.

Tarnsy

Good. Do you have a plan to avoid contact with your husband? Did the letter let him know of your desire to work on the marriage once the affair was over and he had written a no contact letter? Have you set up a plan for him to see the kids?

First couple weeks are usually the roughest, of course! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hi K, thx for responding.

I think the answer is yes to all of the above. WH has been asked to stay in the car for picking up and dropping off DD's and to direct any communication to my intermediary. My letter made it very clear that I want us to have an improved marriage once he has no contact with the OW and I sent him a schedule for seeing DD's some time ago.

Hopefully everything is in place but I'm sure there will be unforeseen circumstances that will crop up which will have to be dealt with as they occur.

It is WH's weekend to see DD's tomorrow so we shall see how well he has heeded my words then!

Sounds like you're pretty well-prepared.

My Plan B wasn't so well-prepared. I was living in an apartment, and would visit the kids at 'our' house. My wife had made a nice dinner and was apparently looking forward to the visit---up to the point where I asked her politely but firmly to "leave". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

It took me some time to get the routine ironed out! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Thx K but it turns out I wasn't as prepared as I thought!

WH called before pick-up and DD14 spoke to him. She asked if he could come in the house to see her and her sisters xmas presents. I felt that I couldn't deny them this so agreed and said I'd go to another room. So when WH arrived I sat in the dining room. I managed to avoid any interaction apart from hearing WH call out hello and goodbye.

Received a TM from WH whilst they were out, just a pic of DD's eating out and then another TM to say that he was bringing them home early as there was nothing else DD's wanted to do.

DD's arrived home but they had left the books WH had bought them in the car so he had to bring them to the door. DD14 collected them and both DD's said goodbye to WH. We were in the front room of our home when DD14 noticed that WH was standing by his car. I looked over as he got in the car and could see him crying. At this, DD's both ran out to see him. At this point I too broke into tears. DD's came back in as WH drove off and then DD14 cried too.

I knew this was going to be hard but to see it having such an affect on the people I love is hard to bear. I hope that the pain will be worth it.

Tomorrow is another day, another day for WH to see DD's so I shall make more of an effort to avoid windows!

Tarnsy,

Great job on the plan B!

You were prepared well and even though it was sad, the tears were a good thing. It helps cleanse the soul. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Now the hard part w/b to stay strong and NOT contact him from your side.

Reassure your children of your love. Let them know seeing their dad cry means, they are seeing their dad. They also need to know the difference between their real dad and the WS. Together with your children, you both can be each other's support. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Hello Tarnsy,

I'm just about to follow in your footsteps......

I'll try to take some strength from you, if you don't mind......I'm scared S++++less!

Good luck to you, and Happier New Year!

Ron

Hi Tarnsy,

Good execution of your Plan. Stick to it. I had a couple of badly executed Plan B's and it really hurt me, so do it the right way.

We're here to support you through the New Year!!

Hi Tarnsy,

I think you did pretty darn good for yourself too! The first few weeks of Plan B is very difficult for everyone (WS, BS, kids). And I was told that no matter how well-prepared for Plan B you think you are---you're not. You handled yourself great.

As Orchid has mentioned, keep out of contact. Away from windows is good too. It's hard, but it is the recommended prescription to give you the maximum time you need to hang on while the affair comes to an end. Praying for you that his happens sooner, rather than later...

Tarnsy

Just posting to thell you I'll certainly lend support to you in Plan B. I've been in a dark Plan B since mid-July and (so far) have not broken it although WH tried his best to get me to communicate with him for about 10 weeks. Of course, it's a little easier for me because we don't have children.

Trust me, as one who is there in the middle of Plan B, you'll do fine. Just focus on staying dark and taking care of yourself and your kids.

Smartie

Wow! thx for all the kind words and offers of support, I'm sure that I'll need it! I shall also pop into others threads to lend my support, I don't feel knowledgeable enough to offer advice!

Pick up and drop off went well, altho WH is still getting out of the car and coming to the door so I guess I will have to ask intemediary to contact him about this as he again took the opportunity to call out "goodbye Tarnsy".

Smartie, I'm wondering how you feel now that your WH is no longer trying to contact you? Do you feel that plan B is having the desired effect, do you feel at peace with the sitch?

I ask because I hope that Plan B works sooner rather than later (as all us BS's do I guess) and I wonder how I'd feel if WH wasn't attempting contact altho I know this is the whole point of plan B. My WH has been in constant contact for months now, several times a day so it's going to be something I'm going to miss alot.

Tarnsy

Thanks for stopping by my thread. Hang in there. I wanted mine to work sooner rather than later too, but that is not the case. My case is like Smarties - no small kids involved. Our Dd is 25, so at this point WH has not even attempted to contact me. If you read my thread, you'll know that he is mad because of our house sale and wants nothing to do with me.

Plan B will allow you to focus on you though. That's what I found. I'm doing things for me, and learning that I can survive with or without him. You can do that too.

I think that you have a very good chance of recovering. Sounds like your Plan A was great. Give it a little time and STAY DARK!

To tell the truth I had mixed emotions about his contact. He waited until a month after he moved out and I began Plan B to start trying to get me to communicate with him. At first I was angry because I told him specifically in my PBL that I wanted no contact with him until his affair was over. Furthermore, the letter was simply a request to see our two dogs! So I felt disrespected. But I was also relieved to know that at least he was still thinking of me, that maybe OW had not completely replaced me in his mind and heart.

But when I let my intermediary read the other letters (it's my SIL -- my in-laws have been wonderful throughout this whole mess) and she told me they were just more requests to see the dogs and him having a pity party for himself, I moved to just being annoyed. And the letters did not matter any more because they meant nothing--just him continuing to want to cake eat and get a family fix from me while he shacked up with OW.

The last letter he wrote me was on our annivarsary (11/7). According to SIL, same stuff as before, hoping to see the dogs. I have not heard from him since, but I no longer worry that he is not thinking of me -- I know he still thinks of me. We were together for 20 years for pete's sake! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> And now I feel the A is moving into a new phase because he is realizing that he may really have to depend on OW to meet all his needs. And he knows (and I know) that she can't do that.

In the meantime, each day I find myself thinking of him less, getting a clearer vision of a life without him (and it is a GOOD vision BTW), being ready to move on without him when the D is final next year.

I think I only made two mistakes with my Plan B and I'll share them with you for what it's worth. 1) my lovebank was really empty by the time I went into Plan B. I'm not sure there is enough left there for me to want to reconcile if/when my WH's affair finally ends. I really just want the divorce to be final ASAP next summer. 2) I did not get a LSA signed by him before going into Plan B. Our attorneys are working through that now, but WH refuses to sign and will give no reason as to what the hang up is. So although I can take of myself financially and the debts are not an issue, the issue of if I get the house (he and OW cannot afford it) or if I will be forced to sell it is still unresolved. It makes me uneasy to have that issue open. So think about those things...

Other than that, I do feel more and more at peace each day.You will too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Smartie

Thx Chai and Smartie,

I am doing my best to stay dark, I have not contacted him but today and yesterday he sent links to my IM altho he didn't send any message. I don't know what the links were for as they both came up as site not found.

DD14 phoned WH this evening to find out what time he intends to pick them up tomorrow to discover that WH has gone to London to spend NY eve with his sister without the ho! She is apparently not at the house they share either!

I'm trying hard not to get my hopes up that there is trouble in paradise but it does seem rather odd that they are not spending NY eve together.

I shall keep myself occupied with DD's for the rest of the evening, there is less than 3 hours til 2008 and boy will I be glad to see the back of 2007. The chocolate fountain is ready to go and games are waiting to be played so I'll sign off for now.

Thx to all again and hope everyone has a better 2008 than 2007.

Tarnsy

Hi Tarnsy,, I am so very proud of you!!! I don't have any advice, I just want you to know that I was thinking of you and your girls, and I pray that 2008 will be an awesome year for you. I feel that you are doing the right thing, stay strong.

I do like the fact that your hubby and the OW aren't together for New Years, I really hope he comes to his senses. Happy New Year!!!!!

F-26

Thx F-26

The mystery of why WH and OW didn't spend NY eve together is still just that! WH picked up DD's this evening and all WH told them was that she is at her mothers some 200 miles away. This is the woman who apparently only had 2 weeks to live back in Feb 06! So OW could just be seeing her sick mother or there could be more to it. And that's the last time I'm going to ponder it!

But you have to love my DD14! Whilst at OW and WH house of ill repute she found an old pic of me and WH on an old profile page and saved it onto his laptop as "I love tarnsy". With a little luck he won't notice it but OW will!

I have been busy reading mimi's thread off and on today and the similarities between her WH and mine with regards to cake eating are quite astonishing. I can only hope for a similar outcome.

The next few days should be easy with regards to staying dark. WH has no need to be in contact for the rest of the week and arrangements have been made for the weekend. WH is having DD's an extra weekend because of plans that had to be cancelled over the holiday period.

All I have to do is resist any urges which I have managed to do so far and to ask my intermediary to contact WH with regards to staying in the car when picking up and dropping off DD's. I am also in the process of setting up an online calendar so that all the girls activities and arrangements can be referred to without any need for contact.

Keep the support coming please, I am in unknown waters!

tarnsy

Hi Tarnsy,

You are doing good. Let's hope that there is trouble in affairland. Sounds like it. Stick to your Plan B and I'm sure that you will do well.

Hang in there....

Happy New Year Tarnsy....You sound like you have lots of inner strength! I'm impressed, and I'll definitely be looking to you for some of it!

Me, when I go to plan B, will probably not have to worry so much about the WS trying to contact me. I suspect she'll probably think it's a good thing.

Keep it up!

Ron

Thx Chai and Ron,

If you think you can take any strength from me Ron then you are welcome, I think it's just that I have had nearly 14mths of being separated from WH so I've had plenty of time to get used to the idea!

Well, I could do with some advise. Received an email from WH today mostly with reference to the fact that he is not going to be able to meet all our household bills this month and saying that he doesn't want to discuss financial matters with my intermediary. The only agreement we have in place at the mo is that until I have other employment (I just teach dance a couple of times a week) then he is still going to pay the bills. WH also added this:


"I would also like to add on this matter of none talking. I can understand to a point where you are coming from, but I can’t see how it will be constructive, either long or short term.

I was going to write a big blog on the matter but as you not talking to me I cant see the point to be honest.



I would like to at least be able to talk to you on the above matters if you are up to it.



Please reply even if its one word answers.



Here’s hoping.



D x"


Do I ignore this? Ask my intermediary to reply? Should I just direct him back to my PBL? Please help, this is the first time he has tried to contact me.

tarnsy

Hi Tarnsy,

A belated Happy New Year. I have been out of town and not on line over the past week and missed this thread yesterday.

I don't really have any plan B advice since I never had to do one, but hopefully some of the real experts here will stop by shortly.

Since I have followed your situation for some time now, I do believe that you have continued to meet many of your WH's EN's for the duration of the time he has lived with OW.

Now that you are in plan B, those needs are going unmet, so of course he is sad about that. The truth is, he knows what he needs to do to fix things, you told him in your plan B letter. So the ball is in his court, end the affair and he can have you back in his life.

If he needs to discuss financial matters and your intermediary does not feel comfortable with that, then can this be discussed with your lawyer?

My instinct here is that after a exceptionally well executed plan A, you should definately follow thru with a completely dark plan B.

I'm here cheering from the sidelines.

Who