Hi Tarnsy,,
Has he had any problems meeting the monthy bills before?
Do you think that he may be using this as an excuse to talk to you? I don't know, if this is the first time he has come up short with money then my gut says he's just using it to break the NC..UMM I don't know what does your gut say??

Good luck
F-26

Hi Tarnsy,

You wrote: 'Received an email from WH today mostly with reference to the fact that he is not going to be able to meet all our household bills this month and saying that he doesn't want to discuss financial matters with my intermediary.'

Sounds to me like he's not enjoying your darkness and is finding some way to fight back and circumvent it, just like my WW did/does.

I haven't read all your threads, Is he legally obliged to meet those bills? If so, I would simply ask your lawyer to send him a letter reminding him of his obligations and reiterating your desire to have no further communication with him. Get the lawyer to refer all matters other than childcare arrangements to her and repeat that child care is something he should communicate with your intermediary about.

That should sort it out provided he is legally obliged to foot the bills. If you haven't already consulted a lawyer, it's high time you did.

I think it is very important that you do not respond directly to this email - that's what darkness is all about.

Can somebody please reassure me that I am doing the right thing?

There were several attempts over the weekend by WH to break my plan B. He had a small degree of success when he called and left a vm saying that DD8 wanted to speak to me. Thinking that she may be having a minor meltdown (quite common!) I called back. Of course WH answered but I just asked to speak to DD. Of course she was fine and when I asked her why she wanted to speak to me she said "Dad asked me if I wanted to to". So I had been set up!

Monday WH left 2 vm's, one saying that he wouldn't be able to take DD8 to Girls Brigade as he was out of the area and wouldn't be back in time and another sounding very upset and asking me to call him. Unfortunately I couldn't get hold of my intermediary as she was at work (in a hospital) so I sent WH a tm saying not to worry about GB and if he wants to talk about anything else to communicate via my intermediary.

WH tm'd be back saying "this is so childish, I don't want to speak to intermediary, I want to speak to you X". I didn't reply and I knew that when he got back to his office he would see an email from my intermediary asking him to refer to my PBL and to not contact me.

Today, WH left 2 more vm's. First to offer DD14 a lift to school (she normally has to ask!) and secondly to say he would be coming to pick up his mail. Two minutes later he arrived just as my dad came to the door so I just handed him his mail and he went on his way.

Sorry, this is getting so long but I'm at the part that has weakened my resolve now! DD's went out for dinner with WH tonight as usual and the convo turned to the previous days message. WH told DD14 that he had been really upset and I was the only person he wanted to talk to. Whatever it was that upset him he didn't want to talk to his family about it who were always his first port of call if he was upset in the past and a bone of contention between us.

So now I feel that I have let WH down by not being there for him which I know is mad as he certainly wasn't there for me this time last year! And to top it off, DD14 thinks that I should have returned WH's calls and that not doing so isn't going to help bring her dad home.

If anyone can tell me that this is typical of a WH trying to break plan B and that the guilt is a direct result of this it would be much appreciated!

Thanks

Tarnsy

Tarnsey,

I spent a little time and read through some of your thread.

Your WH was a blatant, if not viciously cruel cake eater. Flirting with and kissing you and then going to his love shack with the OW? How can waywards be this sick?

Your Plan B is only 10 days old now and he is already having a little wayward snit fit. "Mean, mean Tarnsey won’t play anymore."

That’s all this is. Do not waffle on your Plan B. That’s what he wants. Go darker. He is starving for his Tarnsey cake. Let him starve!

Let only the OW be the one to have to meet ALL his EN’s. She can’t do it. That’s why he was such a pig of a cake eater.

If you do anything, resend your Plan B letter with no additional explanation and go darker.

Your plan B is doing exactly what it was supposed to do – he is freaking out because he can’t talk to you whenever he wants. He “only wants to talk to you”. Well tough $hit.(sorry to be so blunt)
The point is – he has been stringing you along for months now. Coming and going as he pleases. Making you worry, and wait, and wonder. Your plan B has said “enough. I am not your friend to pour your tea, and listen to your troubles. I am your WIFE. When you are ready to treat me with respect, commit to our M, and dump OW, then call. Until then, please let me hold onto my last little bit of self respect”

Please explain to your DD that you still love Dad, and want to stay M, but while he is still with OW it is simply too painful for you to talk to him.

Tarnsey,
Definately listen to the previous posters.

You must absolutely stick to your plan B. What you are seeing is your WH battling with the choices he has made and he isn't liking it one single bit! I'm sorry but this is the point that I start laughing, because to me its joyful when a WS starts having temper tantrums. It means their conflicted and having to deal with their baggage instead of dumping it on the BS.

He lost his right to speak with you. He must EARN the priviledge of having you in his life again.

EXACTLY!

Tarnsy I agree with the others, now is the most critical time to stand strong,,he doesn't like that his safety net has been rolled up. He needs to see what life is with out you.

You are doing great!!!! stay strong ok, it'll get worse before it gets better...He will play all the guilt trips he can. I know how baddly you feel for him when he hurts but he has to hurt to realise what he is doing.

Like a alcohoic, or drug addit sometimes they have to hit rock bottom before they make the changes in their life. That's what he needs to do.

PS Tarnsy we always want to "save" them, you can't, he has to do this himself.

your doing good F-26

Hi everyone,

Thx for the words of encouragement and advice. I will endeavour to say as dark as possible despite WH knowing how to push my buttons!

I will say more on the matter tomorrow as I need to spend a little time with DD14 tonight, she's not feeling well as she has the flu.

WH did better today, only received a tm this morning asking if DD wanted a lift to school again. DD14 called him whilst I was out and WH asked her to ask me to get some bank statements together for him (apparently for auditors) and I'm just wondering if I should do this for him. I don't mind doing it it but is it ok when in plan B?

Am also thinking if it would be a good idea to ask him to collect his belongings. He has never taken any of his stuff despite me asking him several times, the last time was xmas eve and he said "can't I just leave it here?" What the he77!

Thx again, am feeling stronger today, partly because I have spent some time today organising a night out for my birthday with some of my good friends and partly because of all the advice and support I'm getting here.

Tarnsy

Then learn how to move around and hide your buttons.

Hi Tarnsy... you sound a bit better tonight!

I'm not sure about the paperwork he wants, nor the belongings. I'm not sure if it's better for him to have a foot in the door, so to speak, or if tossing all his stuff on to sidewalk would make a better statement!

I may be wrong, but I would tell your DD14 why you are doing what you are doing.....I would bet that your husband is telling her all kinds of things that aren't favourable to you. Give her the truth, from you. It will take a lot of anxiety off her shoulders.


Be good,

Ron

Good job Tarnsy,, Stay strong, I was so happy to read that you are going out with friends for your Bday, that's great..

In my opinion I would gather the papers he asked for and either hand to your intermidary to give him, or do it in a matter where you are not directly handing to him,,(make copies for your records also)

As far as getting his stuff out, again just my opinion, I would give it alittle more time. You need to be dark yes, but, I don't think that you want to come accross as if it's over and done. Unless you think that he may need that reality check to make him realise you're dead serious. You know him the best, and you know how you feel... But your doing so good!!!:)

Hello all,

I’ll go back to some of the previous posts and answer some of the points made.

F-26, yes WH has had problems meeting the bills before, finances have been a problem throughout our M life but especially so since the A. I don’t think this is an excuse to keep in contact. What annoys me is that the weekend after xmas he took DD’s out and bought them a new DS game, some books and took them out to eat so he has money to spare but not to pay the bills.

Principled, although I have consulted a solicitor, WH is not legally accountable for the household bills, it is a verbal agreement between the two of us. Perhaps the time has come to reconsider this.

Chrisner, WH excelled at being a cake eater! He himself admits that he has been sitting on the fence. One of my biggest fears is that he sees plan B as a way to manipulate him into coming home and he will buck against it.

WOF5, good to hear from you again, I hope you had a good xmas and NY. I have explained to DD14 about plan B and how I still love WH and am just trying to protect myself. Altho she seemed to take it in at the time now that she is seeing how it affects WH she is less convinced.

Mojodiva, I love the idea of WH having to earn the privilege of having me in his life! I will try to adopt this attitude from now on.

Faithful, I agree that he has to hit rock bottom but I wonder if he ever will. He has an alcoholic brother who lost his job and his home to drink. It took many years and a dangerous driving conviction that even appeared in the national papers before he quit drinking. Despite all this WH’s family continued to bail him out of trouble financially and IMHO this is why he took so long to see the consequences of his actions and I fear there will be a similar response to WH. So far, his family have welcomed OW with open arms and from what I can gather, tell WH to do whatever makes him happy.

Ron, thx, I am feeling stronger today, WH hasn’t attempted any contact!! I am still unsure what to do about his belongings. Yes, throwing it out would make a statement but I wonder if WH would then use it against me saying things like “well, I would have come home but your mum chucked all my things out” or “you made your feelings clear when you got rid of my stuff”. I feel I would be handing him an excuse to make it all my fault.

Thx for all your support

Tarnsy

Wow tarnsy,

Your WH sounds a lot like Mr. Gray in some areas...like the finances and he always has his brother enabling him.

I have the same problem as you with the belongings. When he came over to get what he was allowed in the agreement he had a huge moving truck.

He took the giant TV and a few other items, and I let him take some extra DVD's he wanted and some books. He left nearly everthing else and was also going to leave his dresser until I told him to take it if he thought he'd need it.

So not much of a peep from him since the PBL except for messing with the bank account a bit in December. He DID do something he really didn't have to do that helped me out and really didn't affect him.

I had to contact my intermediary about it and he answered her.

I am leaving all of the things as is unless they are in my way. Then I'll pack it up and put it in the spare room. I already packed a ton of mementos and put them in there. It really does help to do that.

If he starts getting insistent about any of the rest of this stuff then I'm going through the intermediary to arrange a place he can pick it up or some good arrangement.

I've been keeping up with your thread and others but I don't post much. I can't remember if I posted to you before or not!

You seem to be doing well in your Plan B. I'm going to be a month into mine on Saturday and I've started to feel a lot better over the last few days.

I like that line too, the one about WH's EARNING the privilege to be back in our lives. Dang straight!

Take care, Tarnsy!

Charlotte

Tarnsy,

I am here on the side lines cheering you on. I have read so many accounts of successful plan Bs here that I can only think that this will work for you.

After all, in most situations, plan A is not enough to bring an end to the affair and bring the WS home.

You did an excellent plan A, but honestly, I don't think that your WH will be one of those that doesn't need to hit rock bottom, if plan A didn't bring him back in a year, I don't think it will happen without a really dark plan B.

You will probably have to remind your DD 14 why you are doing it and maybe try and talk to her "woman to woman" and explain how terrible it is for you to have your WH around so much flirting and teasing only to have him go back to OW and sleep in her bed.

At 14, she might have some understanding of how that must feel.

Hang in there ... rah, rah, rah!

Who

I'm just wondering if anyone thinks it would be a good idea to send WH Truehearts letter at this moment in time?

Obviously I will do it through my intermediary or would it be counter productive to plan B?

WH sent me this message prior to my giving him my pbl which was obviously another attempt at keeping me waiting but also makes me think that he may be coming out of the fog.

"There are not enough words to explain to you my actions over the last year. I feel I would like to tell you all but am afraid to.
I have trouble sleeping as you are in my mind a lot of the time, mostly good reasons a few not so good.
I just hope you can bare with the situation a little longer until I am man enough to explain to you how I feel.

You know I made two wishers when I saw A star the other week, i have not told you what i have wished for as I am afraid you might take it the wrong way. It would make sence to you once I explain.

I will tell you but only when the time is right, believe me it will sound better then.

xx"

What do you think?

Tarnsy

It looks like pretty deep fog, psycho poetic attempting wayward babble to me. I would not spend much time trying to figure it out.


Probably not. It just breaks your Plan B and waywards do not like to be “taught” or “educated”. They see it as controlling and gives them more to talk to with their adultery partner about how wise and grown up they are.

Just stay dark.

Hi Tarnsy,

I am sure that you were not unclear in your Plan B letter what he would need to do to come home, like end the A and institute NC for life.

You have busted your behind doing a great plan A, now that you are in Plan B, well, the ball is in his court. I don't think that you should settle for anything less than exactly what you want.

Honestly, even after the affair ends, he comes home, and NC is established, it is so hard.

Even after all this time, I occasionally have dreams set during the affair and I end up waking up sad and angry. I think that represents that I still have some deep seated resentment to work thru.

Set the bar high. Let him stop talking and take the first step required for reconcilliation. Talk is cheap and he has been saying alot for a long time. Now he needs to show some action. Is it possible that he is in some way afraid of OW? I know that my FWH was terrified of OW and what she would do when he ended the A.

Good Luck,

Who

Tarnsy,

I need to add something else here. I am afraid that if you were to allow him to break your plan B at this point after such a long plan A, without compling with your requirements, that you could get really burned badly.

I don't think that your love for him will survive much more fence sitting. Remember why you are doing a plan B and please, please, stick to it.

Best,

Who