Hi Tarnsy,,

Good job on how you handled WH at the store,, in my opinion I would not contact him, I think you should go back dark.

I think if you contacted and said anything about time running out, or you have to make a decision 'cause times running out it will be seen to him that 1) you're chasing him (feeds his ego) or 2) you're trying to force his hand and if he is anything like my hubby the more you try to get him to see the light the harder he'll try to unplug the lamp.

I feel you should go back dark, he will test this now that he has seen some light so you need to be stronger then ever, but I do think he's cracking..

(just my .02) F-26

Tarnsy,

I agree with Faithful26 when she said, that you shouldn't contact him and tell him anything at this point. But, I am concerned that you are just about past the point of willingness to accept him back into your life.

I am not sensing either pain or anger in you and while that is good, what I am seeing is that you might be feeling like there is a declining chance that you will be able to recover your marriage.

I think that might be affected by the quite long duration of your plan A.

I think your love bank is close to empty if not completely empty right now and I don't think your WH has allowed himself to consider what he will do if you aren't available for him to come back to. He appears to assume that you will simply be there waiting with outstretched arms waiting to forgive him.

I just don't know the best course of action right now. I only recognize that IMHO, if this goes on for much longer, you aren't going to even want to work with him toward a recovered marriage.

I'm going to put out a call to some of the more experienced folks here on a separate thread.

Who

Hello again Tarnsy,

I agree with F-26. I would also add that you are the only one that loses if you give an ultimatum as you have no way out afterwards. I'd keep that little bit of info to yourself. He doesn't need to know it's over forever until it is.

Good luck,

Ian

Tarnsy,

Just as Principled said, I don't recommend an ultimatum either, but I remain stubbornly concerned that your WH is completely clueless as to how close to the end I feel you are.

I put out a call for others to check out this thread and hopefully you will hear from someone more experienced in this than I am.

Who

Do you all have any mutal friends that could maybe relay the message???

You know, like tell this friend that your feelings are disappating or that you are considering a D?? They may tell your WS what it is you tell them..

This is hard because I'm not yet in Plan B (very very soon though...) but have wondered about the same thing...and how to handle it.....

good luck...

not2fun

Not,

That is a great suggestion.

Tarnsy,

What do you think?

Who

Thx Not,

That is a great idea. Your timing is impeccable. WH is meeting with my intermediary's partner in less than 2 hours!

I could ask him to mention that time is running out for WH.

I need to decide quick, what do you think and what would be the best way to put it?

Tarnsy

I wouldn't ask him to mention it, it would look planned and manipulative on your part. Just bring up the fact that you ran into WS at the store and how bad he looks and take it from there....you want it to seem casual....and then you hope and pray he repeats the story to WS. Now if he asks you if you want him to mention that, just be non-chalant..."if you want you can" kind of attitude....you could also say that "WS thinks I will be waiting forever, but you know, I'm beginning to think otherwise...."

not2fun

ps...I do have a good idea from time to time...thanks...

Once again, I agree with Not.

Young lady, you are on a roll today! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Who

Ok, I see what you are saying. My intermediary's partner knows how I feel (his partner has told him) so hopefully WH will get the message!! But you know how dumb these WS's can be, WH will probably only hear what he wants to hear!

Oh well!

Tarnsy,

Keep your chin up, there is only so much you can do, and you have done it and are still doing it.

Who

Thx for the support Who, I'm certainly going to try!

Just to let you all know, WH cancelled his plans to meet with our mutual friend at the last minute so we will have to wait for another opportunity.

It is WH's weekend with DD's and I have a feeling that DD14 may say something along the lines of "get a move on dad, your times nearly up" as we have had a couple of instances when the subject has been brought up. She knows that I am now used to life as it is and even that I'm happier than I've been for a while but she also knows that I would still have WH home under the right circumstances. Still, I don't ask her to say anything but she's a bright girl and no-one could fail to see that we are moving on - with or without WH.

DD14 made my day (year actually) today. Part of her homework is to make a collage of someone who you idolise. I asked her who she idolises (expecting her to say some pop/tv/music star) and she said "you mum". Wow, did my heart swell with pride! That has to be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me and that it came from my DD made it even more special.

Hope you all have a good weekend

Tarnsy

Awww Tarnsy that is wonderful,, see that's proof that you are an awesome person!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Your WH is a cake eater. One of the ways plan B works on a cake-eater is that it makes him worry about you moving on, and end his relationship (on his own) before you actually do move on. By interacting w/ him occasionnaly, you give him the impression that you aren't moving on, even if you may very well be. The more contact you have, the longer he will hang on to his affair (because he doesn't think he has to make a decision yet), and the more likely you are to move on without him. He doesn't think that you will leave him. If he does, he'll probably drop OW then and there. Darkness will make him think you are moving on more quickly. Just IGNORE him. He'll feel that he's losing control, and he's more likely to drop the OW. Make him try to win YOU back.

Hello all,

Hope everyone had a good Easter. Ours was a quiet weekend at home (which DD’s had requested) so we had time to relax and watch films.

Well, WH requested that we talk and said that he was ready to give some straight answers. He suggested that he pick me up from my dance class on Friday night. I agreed, partly for my own selfish reasons as it is always difficult to get a lift home.

He was there at the specified time and greeted me with a smile and a hug. I thought that I would let WH lead the conversation and he started off by telling me his work problems. By the time we arrived at my home he had made no mention of the answers he said he would give me so I made to get out of the car. WH said that he had better come in to say goodnight to DD’s which he did and then followed me into the kitchen.

I decided that I would bring the subject up myself and asked him what it was he wanted to talk about. He that he can’t stop thinking of me, that my face is always in his head and that everything reminds him of me. He said that he knew that this situation had to end. I asked him if by “this situation” he meant his extra marital relationship, he said yes. I asked him if he had made any plans to end the relationship and he said yes. I resisted the urge to jump up and down!

We have been here before, this time last year WH first started making noises about coming home, even to the point of ending the A but never made it back home and just ended up back with OW.

I asked him what was different this time and his answer was that his head was in a different place this time. He admitted that last year was mostly about SF and being a “typical bloke”.

I re-iterated the terms of PBL – NC for life, and counselling with the counsellor I saw at the beginning of all this, and he didn’t bat an eyelid. Said that he understood. Again, he spoke about his fears of having his A thrown back at him by me and by DD14, again, I told him that I didn’t think this would be as big of a problem as he feared, that this would be something we would work on in counselling.

There was more but my memory is not good at the best of time, never mind when I am hearing things that I had almost given up on ever hearing. I’ll write more if I remember it!

I did say as WH left that I wasn’t getting my hopes up, that actions speak louder than words and that I still had a nagging doubt that he would not return home. He replied by saying “you’ll see”. When I asked if he had any idea of when he was going to end the A he just said “sooner rather than later”, not really what I wanted to hear but I didn’t want to force the issue.

So, that’s the gist of it all. I think what I need to do now is to go back to being dark. I have shown him that there is still a way home (this was something he said, that he thought that he had missed his chance) but that he needs to dump the OW before we can move onto the recovery path.

Strangely, I didn’t feel elated after our conversation, I guess I know not to get my hopes up and I also know that whatever happens I will be OK. I don’t need WH to survive, but it would be good to have my family whole again.

I guess that I haven’t handled this the way that others may have advised but after having read some other threads about ending Plan B, I felt that WH needed to hear that it wasn’t too late as he feared, that if he meets my rather basic requests of NC and counselling that we can have a good M again. Until he tells me that he has ended the A I will be back in Plan B but hopefully it won’t be for long.

Any thoughts on if this is the right way to go?

Tarnsy

Oh, jmwc95, I only just saw your post. You are right about WH being a cake eater. I can see how what you have said has been the case for me and WH. I go back into the dark!

Tarnsy,

I am glad to hear that this might just end up working out for you. I think it is wise to go back to plan B until he starts taking appropriate action to end the A and come home.

I guess that if it were me and he doesn't do something soon, well next time he contacts you thru the intermediary to set up a meeting, I would send back the message that unless he has ended the affair and is trying to make arrangements to come home, well there is nothing to discuss.

I'd say the tables have turned in your favor. He looks like he is finally seeing what life without you looks like and doesn't like it. You on the other hand have survived well without him and you know that you can do it.

Good on you!!

Who

I affraid WH is fence sitting. That he met with you to see if you would still take him back.

No more contact until WH moves out of the OW's house and has NC. You have to knock him off the fence.

I hope you are right Who! I am not getting my hopes up and told WH this, I will believe it when I see it.

I have also told WH that I don't want to see him until he has ended the A. I know a lot of people may disagree with this but I think it will be a good idea to keep a line of communication open with WH and use the opportunity to remind WH that he needs to end the A. I have read what Mortarman wrote to Mimi on her old thread about the transition period and this made sense to me. I guess I may be in a different position to some others here as I had reached the point where I was ready to give up on WH when he started making overtures about coming home.

So, WH is still living with OW but insisting that he has made the decision to come home - more fence sitting I know. We are having limited contact when WH picks up DD's. WH continues to say the right things eg. that he will be home sooner than I think but I just give him non-committal replies about actions being louder than words or a simple "yeah, we'll see".

TBH, yes it would be great if WH came home but it won't be the end of the world if he doesn't. I have a date in my head that if WH hasn't returned by then I will go back to being pitch black dark and seriously think about implementing plan D.

Tarnsy

Thx for your input TheRoad. WH evens admits to being a cake eating fence sitter himself, making decisions has always been a problem for him. Can I ask if you are a BS, I can't remember reading your story?

Hi Tarnsy,,

I am glad you posted, I've been wondering how you are doing,,

I'm a little concerned for you, I've been where you are hubby would keep telling me he was coming home, promising it would be soon. Telling me how much he loved me, crying asking me not to give up on him and then he would leave and go back to the FOW's house. It was a very confusing and hurtful time, I believe he meant the things he said when he said them, but would then go back to her and get back into their life, and I waited.

My IC said that he was like the juggler in the cirius, the one that spinned the plates on the sticks, that hubby would do and say whatever he needed to keep me spinning on the stick and once I got going good he would run over to the FOW's stick and spin hers until my started slowing down then he would run over and get my plate spinning again then go back and forth trying to keep both plates spinning fast enough they wouldn't fall and break.

You WS sounds like he is doing the same thing, Please be careful and protect Tarnsy....

F-26

Hey Tarnsy,, how are you???