I felt like I needed to start my own thread because I am struggling right now to be in a plan and I think that Plan B is very close. The holidays have really gotten me down and I can't seem to stay on a steady path.

A short overview, my WH moved out at the beginning of November. He has been having an affair for the last 2 years. He has been home for those 2 years, but still very much in the fog. Personally I feel that OW finally pushed him into leaving his family. So he did it...he left. He says he is living with a friend and I think I believe him.

I feel like since my WH moved out he has gone head first into this affair and it is stronger than ever. He has recently done a few major things to my kids that have me furious and I can't seem to get over it, even though I am supposed to be believing he is an addict.

The first was he blew off taking YS to practice and I found out it was so he could take OW to a Christmas party. I found a picture of the two of them in front of a Christmas tree. YUCK! This was the first time I have seen her.

By the way, my WH still denies there is a OW!!

The second was my YS had a tournament in Canada and WH was going with us, because this was a long drive and a big deal for YS. The day before we were to leave WH backed out of going. I was furious and hurt and YS was sad. My OS ended up going with us and we had the best time EVER! It was great!! YS did not ask to call his Dad the entire time. Very sad.

I have been so hurt and angry that I have wanted NO communication with my WH at all. We have not seen or spoken to him for 6 days and he text messages OS all the time.

I spent New Years Eve with my YS and the older two went out. WH sent text message at midnight saying Happy New Year. It was very hard spending my first New Years in 23 years without WH. He of course was with OW.

I know that before going into Plan B you have to do a good Plan A. I was in Plan A right up until after Christmas he decided not to go to Canada with us. I am finding it very hard right now, so it must be time for Plan B.

Personally I think that my WH LIKES not having any contact with me. It rids him of the guilt he feels and lets him and OW be together without any interference from me. I think that Plan B is going to push him right to her and that will be the true end to our marriage. It makes me very sad.

I would like to confront OW before I go into Plan B. I have found out where she works and I want to just go there and show her that I am a real person and that she is destroying my family. I want her to SEE the reality of what she is doing. I KNOW it won't make a difference and it will make WH furious, but I feel like I need to do it FOR ME and MY KIDS. She does not appear to be a skanky drugged out ho, but a nice looking YOUNG lady. I am guessing her to be at least 10 years younger than WH. Not overly young.

I think my WH has fallen in love with his OW. Since it has gone on so long I don't know if anything I do will help.

I want to save my marriage. I have a young son still at home that deserves a whole family. I will do whatever I can.

I would appreciate some input as to a plan and thoughts on going into Plan B.

Don't confront the OW. She is NOT a nice young lady. She doesn't give a sh*t about you or your kids.

Sounds like it is time for you to go to Plan B. Get all of your ducks in a row so there is NO reason to contact him.

Z, as you well know, you and I have been having this discussion for a LONG TIME. I'm gonna try again. When will you believe me? YOUR WH is GARDEN-VARIETY WS..following the EXACT SAME SCRIPT as my H...NO DIFFERENT...

What is necessary now is PLAN B as Believer has stated..also in agreement with Believer, there is ABSOLUTELY NO USE to a CONFRONTATION with the OW..you might want to tell her that you LOVE YOUR HUSBAND and will be FIGHTING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE..by phone..CLICK...that's wbat I told the OW and my H has since told me that freaked her out..because she wanted me to GIVE UP on him and that was her biggest threat...



I'm confused by this Z. What you describe that he is doing provides EVIDENCE that he is an ADDICT. All an ADDICT cares about is his THE FIX..the HIGH..haven't you heard about COKE ADDICTS stealing from/even killing their loved ones???? All he cares about right now is GETTING HIGH off of her and he is BINGING....He will not be able to continue to get high off of her...

You've been doing PLAN A long enough and YES, it's time for PLAN B...



I recommend for you to read my PLAN B thread. I am going to bump it up for you. I thought this, too, but it is not tur. PLAN B allows him to learn the REAL her and he will begin to miss YOU and his FAMILY.



Why do you NEED to do this for you and your kids? Go to her GUTTER LEVEL? Be anywhere in the PRESENCE of such EVIL? She may not look like a DEMON but she is...she will use anything you say or do AGAINST you to CONTINUE to try to DESTROY you and your family...

This is a WAR. Do not reveal yourself to the ENEMY.

I also bumped up the THOUGHTS thread for you, Z...

I'm all talked out these days and said a lot that I had to say on there...

Believer - I really value what you say so thank you for posting to me. I know what you say is right about not contacting the OW.

Mimi - So you think a phone call is ok? Telling the OW that I love my husband and will be fighting for my marriage. I just want her to know that I am a REAL person and that I DO exist and that no matter what my WH has told her I WANT my marriage to work and will do everything I can to make that happen.

I am having a hard time with this addiction thing. I have never met anyone with an addiction so I don't know what that is like. If my WH is ADDICTED to the OW then how is he supposed to ever break the addiction? Won't he stay addicted for as long as the OW will stay around? What makes someone come out of that addicted fog and realize what they have destroyed?

I WANT to believe this is an addiction and that my WH is an addict. I guess I just don't understand how he is going come out of this.

I KNOW it is time for Plan B. My concern is that WH will NOT miss me and come to love her even more. I just need to BELIEVE that he will eventually get tired of his addiction and realize his family is more important.

This is WAR. My fault is that I tend to avoid rather than hit head on. I NEED to hit this war head on. I have allowed this to go on entirely too long. I need to refocus and wage WAR to save my marriage.

I have read all of your threads mimi. I also read Shugah's threads yesterday. I am reading everything I can.

I AM listening!

I think it's OK if you can manage a BRIEF ONE-SIDED PHONE CONVERSATION with MINIMAL TO NO DIALOGUE between you and her. Otherwise, let it be. She knows that you are a REAL PERSON. This is between YOU and YOUR HUSBAND. That connection is what is MOST IMPORTANT.



ADDICTIONS cause SUFFERING and SELF-DESTRUCTION. PLAN B allows the wayward to WALLOW in their ADDICTION with NO RELIEF from the PAIN and DESTRUCTION that it is causing, lying in the PIG STY without the possibility of a BATH or SHOWER.


Because what she is producing is NOT REAL. She cannot keep making him HIGH 24/7. She can't maintain the illusion. One of my H's main desires during EARLY RECOVERY was to lead a NORMAL LIFE again..to be REAL...Totally immersed in AFFAIRLAND, he began to feel DECADENT...It's all about TAKING from the OP and for the OP it's all about GIVING...The normal GIVE and TAKE in a relationship is not present. In other words, IT'S A SICK, SICK DSYFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP...They come to FACE THE TRUTH of it during PLAN B.

I think it would be better to send a copy of your Plan B letter to the OW as well as your WH. Direct contact with the OW probably won't go the way you hope it will--it will be so emotionally charged for you that it will be easy for you to say some non-helpful things.

Ok so I will either place a brief phone call to OW or send her my Plan B letter. I KNOW this is between me and my husband, but I still feel like I want her to know that I am not giving up on my marriage.

I understand what you are saying about the giver and taker. My WH is ONLY taking from his affair with OW. I am sure he is not giving anything. So OW must be doing all of the giving. Hopefully they will BOTH get tired of this and the affair will die.

I do think it will take some time for WH to come out of the fog. He is really immersed in his affair right now since he moved out and can spend time with her any time he wants. When he was still home he had to sneak around and then he was forced to spend time at home with his family as well. Now he only spends time with her. We haven't seen him for 6 days and counting.

I am preparing my Plan B letter. I need to get everything ready because I will have to intermediary. We will have to have minimal email contact about the children and money.

I FEEL like I am already in Plan B. We have really had no contact since Dec. 26. That was the day he decided not to go to Canada with us. I have texted him twice and sent one email about money in 6 days. He has not reached out to me so I know for now the affair is hot and heavy.

I am happy 2007 is over and am very happy the holidays are over. Now to get on to 2008.

Affairs always end. Plan B won't drive him any farther away than he is now. And it will force the OW to meet all his needs. Just be sure you think carefully about any reason he would have for contact with you so that he can't get a zorro fix.

I'm happy to hear someone say Plan B won't drive him any farther away than he is now. That has crossed my mind and I am sure it has others as well. Plan B seems a bit scary at first, but it must be liberating once it happens.

I am going to make it very clear what kind of communication we will have. The one thing I have to address and figure out is that I work in the rink where he coaches hockey 3 times a week. I do not want to be there when he is there because he will try to talk to me. I have to think on that one and see what I can do to avoid contact with him.

I have been reading Mimi's Plan B thread and she expresses a lot of what I feel. I have always been very dependent on my husband. Even though he was in the military and I certainly know how to survive on my own, I still relied on him for a lot of things. He was always my rock. The one person who took care of me and was always there for me.

I think that's why the hurt and void is so strong. I miss my husband. I miss having him here when I need him. I miss talking to him about everything. I miss the best friend that he truly was for me for many many years.

Also I would assume that he is living with the OW. My ex lied for two years about them living together - he lied until I caught them in bed together in his home.

But Z..

Gaining my sense of PERSONAL POWER has been WONDERFUL and completely LIFE-CHANGING...it's made me even more ATTRACTIVE to my H...

HEAD UP...CHEST OUT...

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Zorro,

Goodness do we walk a similar story. And you are so blessed to have Mimi on the case. She is awesome, is she not.

Everything you say on here I could say myself and probably have.

You and I are walking the emotion. Mimi, Believer and the rest are walking the reality of experience.

I am an addict who recently got back into recovery when Dday happened. I can tell you that when I was actively in my addiction, all I could focus on was my next fix. Now, I am still in this process of grasping and accepting totally the addiction argument for what is happening to our S. Since there really is no other reasonable explanation for their actions I can promise you that when you are actively in your addiction NOTHING and I mean NOTHING else matters. You are driven for that fix and no matter what the consequences are you will do it. I WAS THAT ONCE UPON A DAY.

I am sticking close to your thread as I have a feeling you are leading the way for you and me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Happy New Year to you