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Cymanca Offline OP
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Had this happen yesterday with me and my girlfriend on New Years Eve. We had made plans to spend a quiet evening together but a last minute call from her best friend with a dinner invitation upset the applecart.

Her best friend( and I have known hermyself for 10 years) is a nurse that broke up a local doctor's marriage. Her relationship continues with her affair partner and it has put my girlfriend in somewat of a tough spot. You see when I heard of the affair I told my GF that under no circustance would I attend any function that both of the affairee's attended. I have spoken to the nurse on several occasions and while she was hostile to my suggestions that she needed to make amends with her affair partner's wife and to break off her sick relationsip, we can communicate in a respectful manner. As I told my GF, hate the sin and not the sinner.

Well anyway, my GF broke the news of the invitation and the first words out of my mouth were to make sure he was not going to be there and in a somewhat painful manner she stated that she would not do that to me. I apologized and insisted that my suspicions were that my GF might be putting herself in an embarassing position if we attended and I had to walk out of the party. I must have hit a nerve because my GF walked into the room and told me that she had called her nurse friend back and yes, he was going to be there.

As we were leaving for my place she had me put several pies in the trunk and said she had an obligation to drop them off at the nurse's house. About 2:30pm she grabbed my car and said she was going to be right back, she was on her way to drop off the pies.

Well hours went by and as I got more worried/angry about her whereabouts and after several unanswered text messages asking where she was, she finally called at 9:30pm. She said she was just leaving and was bringing a plate of food over for me. By this time I was furious having cooked and eaten my portion of our planned New Years Eve dinner. Our evening ended on a very quiet note with only hellos exchanged and I went off to bed.

I have avoided her phone calls all day butr I am torn by what happened. I don't know if I am being childish in reacting to basically being stood up or that it is obvious that she does not share my position with her her best friend's marriage breaking relationship. Am I blowing this way out ofcproportion? In the past the nurse asked me how I would feel about her relationship if she was now married to the doctor for 5 years and I answered that I would think about it if that rarity did occur.

Any input would be helpful.


Divorced:
"Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions": Noodle

You believe easily what you hope for ernestly

Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
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I don't know if I am being childish in reacting to basically being stood up or that it is obvious that she does not share my position with her her best friend's marriage breaking relationship. Am I blowing this way out of proportion?

Well I think no your not, I think that you should look at closely how your gf feels about marriage and what it stands for vows and all, because if she does not care if her BEST Friend has a cracks in her moral character that to me speaks loudly to me.

Plus she lied to you with the dropping off of the pies, turning off the cell or not answering her phone then turning up hours later has some red signs issues to me.

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As Swan Song suggested, there are a number of different issues here and I think you 2 really need to talk about them. First is your position on the affair relationship which obviously she doesn't share. That in itself isn't the end of the world, but that she didn't show respect for your position is serious AND a completely separate issue on its own IMO. Make a list of everything that happened, go through and ask yourself if each one was the ONLY thing by itself, how would you feel. For each one that stands alone this way, you need to talk to her about. Don't skip any.

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You got stood up big time.

Well, at least now you know where you rank. Best Friend comes before Boy Friend.

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Her relationship continues with her affair partner and it has put my girlfriend in somewat of a tough spot.

I don't think she is in a tough spot at all. She is making it clear that she is not going to dump on her best friend. Your values are noble but you can't expect to instill them upon your GF. You told her yourself..."hate the sin and not the sinner".

You cannot control others peoples choices. If she was ever in a tough spot at all, it was because you put her there by putting yourself 'between' her and her GF.

If you are learning that you are not comfortable with her morals and choices in friends then perhaps it's time to move on. Afterall, her best friend comes with the package.

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how I would feel about her relationship if she was now married to the doctor for 5 years and I answered that I would think about it

What's to think about? What dynamic is changing? You are going to expect your GF to disassociate herself with her best friend forever. Will GF be allowed to go to the wedding? Will GF be allowed to be maid of honor or brides maid? Hmmm..maybe there is something to think about.


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Aside from what others have said, the big flag for me is that your gf felt she had to lie to you - either by not admitting that she was planning to spend hours over there, or by not answering your calls once she got there and chose to stay.

I agree it was rude to stand you up, but that is typically indicative that she doesn't feel safe being your best friend, i.e., telling you the truth.

I agree with your choice not to condone friend's actions. However, it sounds like you were trying to impose your choice on gf, and that simply doesn't work. Just like a teenage kid you tell not to meet the evil boyfriend, she will find a way.

If you can't be honest with each other, your potential/eventual marriage will be filled with such instances.

Now to be blunt, I have found that many men feel that their view of the world is the 'correct' one, and that all they really need to do is let the gf 'see the light' and she'll go 'aaahhh now I get it, thank you for showing me.' I urge you to honestly question yourself on whether you tend to do that in your relationship. That is becoming your gf's 'parent' and, just like a child, she'll just find a way to get what she wants - without honesty.

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Apparently you are in a relationship with a girl who has very different values than yours.

Maybe she really doesn't think there is anything so wrong with adultery?

Obviously she thinks lying and deception are OK.

IMHO how she treated you was extremely rude and hurtful.
But even if she hadn't deceptively dumped you for her adulterous friend on New Year's Eve, you still should reconsider your involvement with her because of her not getting what's so wrong with adultery.

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Cymanca Offline OP
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Swan, Tabby,,mere,

Thanks for your responses. I am sorry about not answering earlier, just had a very busy day.

I need to give you a little more background on my GF. I have known her for 15 years and she was the woman I broke up with before I started to date my now XW. I know her very well and part of the reason I was so confused was that she had never done anything contrary to my vocalized or unspoken personal moral code. I know that her best friend had been having a real problem with her doctor/bf and perhaps she had coerced her into what happened. I just don't know.Puzzling.

ba,

Regarding the dynamic changing, I meant that as a sarcastic answer as I had told her previously that her relationship had a zero chance of succeeding.

Catperson,

I think that you are correct. I can be somewhat bullheaded but I have always prided myself on not being afraid to take a critical look at myself when the circumstances warrant. Maybe this is the right circumstance.

And you know what hit me the hardest last night was that I felt strangley comfortable with my apparent injury by my GF. I am afraid that I am looking at this incident as one I can file and use against her in the future as an excuse if I need to escape our relationship. Not something I am proud to say but it rings true to me.


Divorced:
"Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions": Noodle

You believe easily what you hope for ernestly

Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
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I am afraid that I am looking at this incident as one I can file and use against her in the future as an excuse if I need to escape our relationship. Not something I am proud to say but it rings true to me.

And, this should be a big red flag. Why on earth would you maintain a back door out of the relationship?

If it's an issue, take it up with her NOW, otherwise let it go.


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I guess that knowing how little I knew or understood regarding how horrible an experience infidelity is for the BS, before I became one, I have to say I can understand that your GF just doesn't get it.

That said, I do believe, based on what I read here, that she did intend to stay at her GF's for dinner, and deliberately deceived you. Which we all know isn't good.

Perhaps you should discuss honesty and openess and the POJA with her. She may have simply been afraid to tell you her intent ... as in it's sometimes easier to beg forgiveness than to get permission.

So, what how do you think you would have reacted had she simply told you that she was going to go without you?

Your answer to that question might give you some insight into why she lied.

Mind you, I'm not defending lying, just trying to figure out why she did it.

Best,

Who


I am the BW,
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Please understand my responses are based on not knowing how long the two of you have been 'dating' and the fact you are not married to her..

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We had made plans to spend a quiet evening together but a last minute call from her best friend with a dinner invitation upset the applecart.

Apparently she wasn't enthuastic about a quiet evening at home on News Years Eve, and based on your response, she may even regret having NOT stayed at the party.

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You see when I heard of the affair I told my GF that under no circustance would I attend any function that both of the affairee's attended.

And this is YOUR choice, but your lady friend also has a choice to attend without you or not. But this is her bestfriend and you can't choose her friends..and you really don't have a say in who she has as friends while you are NOT married to her (and even if you were, she would still be able to choose whether to be friends with the woman or not)

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Well anyway, my GF broke the news of the invitation and the first words out of my mouth were to make sure he was not going to be there and in a somewhat painful manner she stated that she would not do that to me. I apologized and insisted that my suspicions were that my GF might be putting herself in an embarassing position if we attended and I had to walk out of the party. I must have hit a nerve because my GF walked into the room and told me that she had called her nurse friend back and yes, he was going to be there.

I'm curious if she knew about the party previously before the two of you had made plans and just thought to mention it..and had let her know previously she would be there (after all she did make pies for the party..so she must have known before hand about it)..and just didn't tell you until the last minute.

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Well hours went by and as I got more worried/angry about her whereabouts and after several unanswered text messages asking where she was, she finally called at 9:30pm. She said she was just leaving and was bringing a plate of food over for me. By this time I was furious having cooked and eaten my portion of our planned New Years Eve dinner. Our evening ended on a very quiet note with only hellos exchanged and I went off to bed.

Sounds like she helped her friend set up for the party as well..and what time was your dinner plans set for?? Or did you just assume she would be there at a certain time or just stay with you the entire day?

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I have avoided her phone calls all day but I am torn by what happened. I don't know if I am being childish in reacting to basically being stood up or that it is obvious that she does not share my position with her her best friend's marriage breaking relationship. Am I blowing this way out ofcproportion? In the past the nurse asked me how I would feel about her relationship if she was now married to the doctor for 5 years and I answered that I would think about it if that rarity did occur.

Again, not knowing how long the two of you have actually been dating..I think your acting a little controlling..

Granted, yes, she should have let you know that 1. She was going to go help her friend set up for the party, and that she may stay for a couple hours after that..and 2. that though she respects your opinion of her friend's relationship, it is not hers..and she is still HER friend..3. she should have let you know of her plans and allowed you to go to your place alone and that she would meet up with you later..

But the way it sounds you don't like the friend and she's afraid to tell you when she makes plans with her friend..which is silly given that the two of you are NOT even married..why should she feel compelled to sneak around anywhere, lest she is so afraid of YOUR reaction to her going and doing things with HER friends, whether YOU as the man she's merely dating..likes the friend or not??

Expecations for marriage and dating are totally different, and even expectations in dating change over time..but something you are going to need to consider the two of you decide to continue to date or even eventually marry--

she would want her bestfriend to be her maid of honor at HER-YOUR wedding, which would mean HER Boyfriend doctor would probably also be invited if they are still together..

This being her bestfriend she would want to socialize with them as a couple..doesn't matter that her relationship started out as an affair..it's HER BESTFRIEND..and she will be there for her no matter what..even if/when the relationship ends..thats what bestfriends do..she may not agree with her friends choices but she's still her bestfriend..can YOU live with that?? If you can't..then don't ask her to choose between the two of you..and end the relationship now..

My bestfriends and I have been through many things together, we've been friends for over 30 years..we may not always agree with each others choices but we are still bestfriends and we know no matter what and no matter how long it's been since we've seen each other...we are ALWAYS there for the other when we need each other..when she married her now ex-husband I didn't like her choice, even tried to discourage her from marrying the man..but she made the choice, and I was there for her..and when he started beating her when she was pregnant..I was still there for her..I wasn't going to turn my back on her just because I disagreed with her decision to marry a man I didn't like. She was the one who had to live with the decision not me..she was the one who had to suffer the consequences not me..but I could still be there for her..

So again, if you try and force her to choose between the two of you..you may just lose out..but if you can learn to accept her friend as her friend..even if you dislike her choices...you could end up with an awesome relationship..

So yes, you really should think about this and what it is you can handle that..


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This is a tough one. It could be one of those "agree to disagree things".

I have a buddy I really like and respect. He started flirting with a girl at his part time job. He told me about it and I chewed his a*s about it and told him to get his head out and think of his kids and his marriage.

It was a wakeup call for him and the kind of thing only a true friend would say. He thanks me for it to this day.

Now, would I have ended out friendship if he continued? Hard to say. It's probably something that could have caused a deterioration and eventual erosion of our friendship.

Stick to your morals and associate with those who share them.


D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06

DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)

She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.

Never going to happen.

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Cymanca, the biggest red flag to me is that your GF has a friend who is engaged in adultery. Why would she KEEP such a friend around?? That spells trouble, IMO, because it bespeaks a mentality that has very low standards when choosing friends. If she can so easily overlook something as horrific as adultery, what can she NOT overlook?

Those are the questions I would be asking.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Cymanca, do you want to marry this girlfriend?
You will be stuck with her values and behaviors if you do. She will not tell you the truth, she will avoid conflict and your social circle will include friends with her values.
Do you live together? If so, why not move out into a place of your own and just date her. This relationship isn't going anywhere.
You had a cheating wife. Do you respect the friends who helped her to hide things from you?
I don't see this as you being controlling. I see it as two people with different values.

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Cymanca - it's not always "easy" to STAND for what is right, even when others may think you are "nuts" for doing so.

STAND. You are right. Don't let anyone tell you that you are wrong, and consider WHO you want to be friends with, those who follow their own "worldview" or those who follow the Lord's view.

God bless.

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Cy;
Update?

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First...sorry for your New Years Eve plans. That must've hurt and it was incredibly insensitive of GF.
I don't think she should stop being a friend TO her, but I would hope that she would stop hanging around WITH her. IMO there is a difference. I would not be comfortable if my boyfriends BF was in an adulterous affair and he still hung out with him. Hopefully she can be a friend to her in other ways...like encouraging her to do the rght thing. If you can encourage that it won't seem like you're forcing her.
Any updates?


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She is too crazy for you, find a less crazy woman to be with.


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You cannot control others. You can only control yourself. If there is something you do not like about someone's character, you have the right to leave.

I would have been very hurt if that happened to me on NYE, esp with MY car. One of the most important things in a relationship to me is mutual respect. If I don't respect her or if she disrespects me in such ways, I would leave.

She knew that it was wrong to take your car and make you wait. A woman with high interest in you would be a bit more considerate. There are plenty of fish in the sea AND you could always have a steak and beer j/k.

Be happy and eliminate any drama. We've had more than our share already.

Good luck
Darrin


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