SOS !!!!!

W just called me (and reluctantly I answered...I'm at work). She asked when I'd be home tonight so I told her....she wants to talk.

I asked her what about and she said, well, for the message I left her last night for one.....I'll explain:

After learning of the PA and kicking her out of the house I proceeded to start calling a bunch of people and ramping up the exposure. 2nd person I called was the OM (first contact I'd had with him since this all started). I'd also emailed OMW earlier in the day and she called me back last night but I couldn't as had to run out for an hour. While waiting on me to get back, OMW called OM to confront and apparently he heard or she mentioned that their daughter was upset in the background. OM called me and left me very threatening, very vengeful message "never to drag his daughter into this situation" ....funny HE should say that huh?. I ended up calling back OM and we talked it out, etc.

I then left message for my W telling her I apologized that the blow up earlier had happened but I was not sorry about my decision b/c what she was doing was very wrong. I also told her that in the spirit of full honesty, that OM had called me threatening me but I'd called him back to resolve it. That was about all I said.

I'm not sure why she wants to talk about that but I assume she will try to tell me I had no right to inform OMW. Honestly, I can't believe she even called me today....didn't think I'd hear anything for a while after the "boot".

I'm very uneasy about how to play this conversation tonight when she calls back to talk. I'm just learning the plan A&B after all!!!!

She obviously knows I'm very upset, but I know none of her fog has lifted either.

HELP!

80% of people who have an affair are still with their spouse 5 years later.

Exposure usually has no impact on whether or not the betrayed and wayward spouse reconcile, but it shortens the duration of the affair.

I don't have data on whether or not it works when both parties continue the A after exposure, but I can tell you that most continue to A even after they are confronted.

You are in for he11. Probably at least a year of it. You need to really decide if you wife is worth fighting for. Afterall, this is her 2nd marriage, and you've only been together for 6 months. I'd bet money that her first marriage ended under similar circumstances. You can't fix a serial cheater.

One other thing you need to do is EXPOSE TO THEIR EMPLOYER. Make sure it is out in the open at school, and her superiors know. Your situation will never improve as long as they work together. One or the other has to leave. The best way for that to happen is for one or the other to get fired, or for one of them to leave because they can't stand the embarrassment. I know that you are concerned about LBs, but this is the one tactical LB strike you need to make to possibly save your marriage. Oh, save all your proof because she'll cover her tracks and deny the whole thing if she can.

So if you don't feel comfortable enough to 'talk', postpone the convo.

Let her sweat it out until U R ready. That is YOUR option.



L.

Other than the continued exposure to the employer, if she lives at home, you need to keep tabs on her and clearly define your marital boundaries. That includes no calling or texting OM and hooking up with him. Get online and check her cell phone log. If you pay for the phone, you need to take some steps. If you can block his number do so. Turn off text messages. If she continue to call him, turn off her phone. Put GPS on her car, and call her out when she goes and visits OM. She doesn't get to stay at home if she continues to bang OM and cross your boundaries. Waywards are like 18-21 year-old children. You need to put rules in place, and they either abide by them, or you kick them out of the house until they clean themselves up.

Also, if you take a strong stand against her infidelity, you need to carry a digital recorder with you in case she calls the cops on you and accuses you of abuse. In the time from when she calls to when the cops arrive, you need to get her on tape saying that you didn't abuse her. Trust me, there are so many men here that have been hauled to jail because their wives wanted to get them out of the house to carry on their affair.

I must say...those are very encouraging numbers....I sure feel at about 10% chance right now! Thank you.

Also, if I feel she's not in a proper state of mind to have the convo. we need to have then I think I WILL tell her that we need to talk again down the road when she has a clearer head.

Thanks!

Oh, and separate your finances. Don't let your WW deplete you savings or rack up a ton of debt to finance her affair. OM probably isn't going to pay for much for your WW since he is going through a D right now.

jmwc: she has been out of the house since day 1 that she mentioned that anything was wrong (5 weeks). She was just stopping in yesterday when I found proof of the PA and I kicked her out. The boundaries are defined and she doesn't WANT to be at home....she only WANTS to be with him, period.

I don't have to follow her around b/c she's admitted to everything but has expressed that they want to be together and she doesn't want to be with me. She's not to the point where she cares to try to work on things yet.

Unfortunately on the finances we are limited. It takes all of both of our paychecks to pay the mortgage and all the bills....not much left over (we are fairly equal earners). And due to the market we would probably lose $100k on our new house if we had to sell it now. Neither one can afford the house on our own. If the house was out of the picture, then we could probably split and live on our owns in an apartments or something and get by......but the house almost seems like children right now....one of the few things holding her from walking away from the M!

Don't miss Jim's point to expose the A at their workplace. Every word he wrote about that exposure is IMPORTANT as hel!.

Question about that....my wife LOVES her teaching job and school and even won teacher of the year last year. If she were to find out I told her superiors and this in any way affected her job.....she wouldn't never get over it. Period.

As for the OM, he's the baseball coach and can find some other job for all I care.

I do have some other co-workers that I could tell that may try to steer her straight without jeopardizing her job.....am I being way to soft here????

If you want to save your marriage, one of them must leave the job. Exposure may help that happen. You must ask yourself, do you want your wife to have have her teaching job, or do you want your marriage to survive?

Yes, you are being too soft. Do you want to save your M or are you too afraid of pissing her off. Tell her superior. Your WW will get over it. My WW was furious when I told her boss. Guess what, she got over it. They all do. If you can get over her screwing another man, she can surely let this slide in time. Afterall, she's the one that put her career in jeopardy.

Well that didn't go so well. W called back and only reason was to confront me about why I called OMW....she said she thought it was wrong for me to do it. I said OMW had a right to know but W was convinced it was only if OM told her....Bullsh*t! She was also upset I was talking to her family and friends but I said I would continue to b/c they've all been there supporting me through this whole thing. I told her if she was honest with them maybe they wouldn't have to hear it from me.

Unfortunately I allowed myself to get into discussion of what I thought she was doing. (which is a form of pleading I know). I wanted to try and convince her that the person that she'd become wasn't my W...it was just some imposter. I told her that my W is a beautiful person that I'd do anything in the world for and I'd even be willing to still work on our marriage after the A and all...IF and only IF my W came back and committed to it. I said this 'other' person that I'm dealing with right now is a dark, hateful, bad person and I would NOT deal with that person. None of that made a dent though and it probably just hurt my situation.

We discussed finances. She didn't mention D which surprised me. But, she did say that she wanted to make sure I was paying her bills too. All our money is joint and I pay all the bills. She said she was going to open her own bank account so she could put a little money in there for her personal spending. She said she'd still direct deposit her paychecks into our joint account. I agreed to allow it as long as she notified me before taking in money out of our account and putting into hers. She basically said she didn't want me knowing what she was spending money on and where she was going/what she was doing.

Still staying at her aunt's house for a while but her Aunt finally talked to her tonight...I'll have to call Aunt tomorrow for details but it sounds like Aunt convinced her to get some personal counseling. W said as long as she's staying somewhere rent-free then we are ok, but if WE (meaning the A....Freudian slip on her part) get an apartment or something then we'd have to sell our house. This is true as we can't afford the mortgage alone and if she's paying rent elsewhere then we couldn't afford it either. I have to believe it's only a matter of time until they want to get an apartment and that means big trouble with our house (can't sell right now without taking a huge loss...if can sell at all!) and of course them living together doesn't help the A situation any.

I'm confused...almost feel like I need to start looking to protect any legal rights I may have. I think I may have to consider filing for an annulment as I may have grounds for it now (not sure legally). This is only 5 weeks after problems first came up and only a few days after the EA and PA were exposed. I feel like I'm getting forced into divorce/plan B phase already!

She's just so defiant and not willing to budge. These 2 want to be together and looking to do it soon I know. She still says there's NO chance for our marriage and I think she's convinced she's with the man she wants.

Feels very bleak right now. I wish family influence and maybe some personal counseling might make her start to think about things.....but obviously anything I say right now only drives her further away.

Not sure where to go next. This will be a long haul....but the changes may come quickly due to circumstance. Not sure what to do!

What exactly CAN I do when W and OM are talking about getting an apartment together.....just 4 days after I've exposed the EA and 1 day after I've exposed the PA.....it's just like they've been waiting for me to find out to justify it or something! I swear, it's like "now that he knows, he's out of the picture" and "we can live our lives together".....I guarantee that is word for word what they said to each other today.

Getting real ugly now. Man this has me knocked off my feet.

You can't do anything to make them stop. Right now you need to focus and work on yourself. I know this doesn't make a lot of sense but look at it as if you are preparing for battle. You are getting prepared to fight for the survival of your life.

Let them try their measly attempts at finding love.... that's crap.... there is no real love in deceit.

If they don't cone to their sense soon and once their fantasy wears out, one of them will be disloyal and leave the other.

In the meantime, you need to keep moving forward so she has something to see as a good goal, you and your M. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Thank you. She just left me a message while I'm at work and said she wanted to let me know she was going to stop by the house to pick up some things. I'm not concerned about her taking anything she shouldn't, I think she's just getting clothes. She mentioned last night about getting work clothes although she's still off work for another week and a half........that tells me she's not expecting to be home for quite some time.

Here's the thing I'm interested in: I have all my books from MB sitting on our desk at home, I have a few printouts of articles describing affairs and essentially everything she's doing right now, I took the time a week ago (an idea from one of her family members) to make a list of everything she's done or does that I recognize and appreciate, so about 4 pages worth of that is sitting on my desk. And, finally, the letter from Trueheart that Orchid has is also sitting right there to see.

There's nothing I can do to hide it obviously and she may or may not read it (might likely just ignore it altogether). Do you think that is going to be detrimental or could it even possibly help in some way?? (part of me thinks that if she reads some of it herself with no one forcing on her then maybe it will sink in a little.....another part thinks she's going to see all the "behind her back" stuff I'm doing to try to "diagnose her problem")

Just curious.

.........whoa, she just called me back. I told her I appreciated her letting me know in advance and that she was to take nothing that belong to US, was to come alone as HE was never allowed to step foot in our home. She said "why would I do that"....I said I was just putting it on the table. I also told her that my parents are taking things really hard and my mother wants to fly out for a while....not sure when but she'd be here for a few days at some point. That's really about it.

What do you think about her possibly reading all the MB stuff?

Orchid, I understand what you're saying...the hard part is I just don't know if this will fall apart for them. They have been really good friends for 2 years, they both want to be together, and quite frankly (and this is what really scares me)..I can actually see them being successful together and this working for them. Maybe I'm just being insecure but that really scares me. I really think they can make things work.

Leave your MB stuff around. This is your home. The WS needs t/b uncomfortable in a BS' home.

Don't tell her too much of your plans. If your mom is coming to visit let her. Make your mom a respectable part of your support group who will respect your decisions while you give her a respectable ear to what she has to say.

As for division of things, it is good that you asked. If she balks or gets defensive expect it and have a come back line or 2 ready.

Don't work too hard at this. Work on your plan A so you are able to move forward to plan B when u r ready.

take care.
L.

Thanks Orchid...I have been trying to learn and practice my reverse babble skills in case those questions do arise. It doesn't seem like she's going to snap out of this anytime soon (if ever). I just hope we don't have to go and sell our house, get divorce, etc.,etc. before the A has a chance to run it's course and fall apart.

I'd think that those would be life-altering events that would make it difficult to revive the marriage and start over.

That's something I worry about, too, ILA.

I try not to think about it too much right now.

Our mortgage will be paid off in August, too, so selling would really suck. I just try to get used to the idea of having to do that but not think about it too much at the same time.

If THAT makes any sense!! LOL!