I agree that she is A LIAR..and wants ILA to BACK DOWN..he needs to MAN UP...

What ILA is saying actually is true of how school systems work....the principal can make the CHOICE to overlook this..and schools are very cliquey...

Well if that's the case, Mimi, do I continue to attack her principal? To me, it feels like it will only hurt the situation.....I sure don't need a restraining order!

If this was a business it would be different, but at school they don't give a damn. The principal and all the teachers are putz's. As a matter of fact, my wife hasn't been the same since she started working there 2 years ago and hanging out with these idiots.

Is it better to just MAN UP against my WW or do I need to still push the workplace?

Also, in light of this and an impending D filing......am i being forced into plan B? I hate to b/c plan A has really never gotten off the ground! What is there for her to come back to except our past memories (which there are many great one's in my opinion). I guess I have enough close contact with friends and family of hers that they can pass along my plan A improvements.....but it seems difficult.

Thoughts on this? I almost feel like going dark, but don't know. Don't know that I really want, or can afford, a messy legal battle.......but maybe that's the most effective way?

MAN UP..with HER...that's PLAN A.."I'm fighting for our marriage..I don't want a divorce..I want you to come home where you belong..if you want a divorce, you file...I'm not going along with it...KEEP TO THIS MANTRA..Continue with PLAN A...

I'm in a rush..will check in with you later...

I agree with you about the Principal and stuff..grew up in that environment...

You could E-mail the contents of the letter to the Principal - that way he can no longer deny seeing the contents. Also check to see if you can escalate the matter any further - who does the Principal report to?



On what basis would it be filed? Bear in mind that the filing of a restraining order will likely bring MORE publicity to your WW's A - something she probably wouldn't want, given the noise your exposure of her A has generated so far.

Interesting points, MIM.....but I don't think they care about more exposure to the A. Everyone knows and they aren't afraid to tell people what they are doing....they think they have every right and don't care about their decisions. That's why I don't doubt that WW would file this..........principal may not have a right, but WW sure has reasons that are viable given my actions.

In all honesty, I'm going to have to think about this for a bit. I know this will convince a few of you here that I'm being weak and have given up. Please understand that I've gotten mixed suggestions from all sorts of different people regarding the work exposure. Even though my gut told me not to, I went ahead anyway........and now feel like I'm unsure if it was right. (I know that is the norm). Even my MC tells me that exposure to work is NOT good.......although her reasoning is that she thinks working together post-A will make them wake up quicker.

Anyway, I've got to try to sort this out in my head a bit. Please keep coming with suggestions.....from both sides of the debate.....it all helps greatly.

Tyk, MyRev.....I've always been a guy who never gave up....to a fault sometimes, on my past girlfriends. I'd been accused of stalking before b/c I fought for them. I AM a person who isn't afraid to confront people. Yes, I've been kind of wishy-washy at times and I understand that....but please know that my hesitancey isn't b/c I'm not willing to try. It's just my brain over-riding my heart sometimes......yes, I know, counter-intuitive!!!

Thanks

Just thought I'd let you know how much support I'm gettting from WW's family........this is an email WW's brother sent her today......said he just couldn't take it anymore.

This is more inspirational to me than anything I've seen to date and I hope it shows everyone else here that we are not alone in fighting these horrible misdeeds. Here you go:

I know we haven't really spoken much throughout all of this and I am
willing to at least give you the opportunity to tell me your side of the
story but to be honest with you (as I always have been about everything) I
really don't know how much good it would do. I don't think anything you do
or say could justify what you are doing right now. You have probably, No
you have been one of the 3 most important people in my life since the time
I can remember and I never thought I would ever, ever have these feelings of
embarrassment towards you. When I sat in a hospital bed with 8 doctors on a
split decision and parents telling me to do opposite things and literally
had to make a life or death decision I looked to you for help and took your
advice, when I was having problems with [girlfriend] I came to you and took
your advice, when ever things in my life got really really hard I looked to
you for help. Now I question any advice I have ever taken from you. I
question the fact that you really are this person I thought you were all
these years. Someone I looked up to, respected, and actually wanted to live
my life like. I question your integrity, and just the plain fact that you
are a good person. Trust me this is as hard for me to write as it is for
you to read so don't think I did this on a whim or have not though about my
words very carefully. I have not jumped out and yelled at you, or called
you names, I have sat and listened. I find in interesting that while [your husband]
is here to tell me everything he feels I have not heard anything from you.
He has never once put you down or said anything negative. He is simply
trying to fight for what he thinks is still there. Please do not run to him
and get angry with him for the fact that I am writing you. He has told me
numerous times that I should hear you out, you are my family, and that I
should talk to you. But like I said before I don't think I could talk to
you right now which really really hurts me. I felt like I have always had
you in my life to talk to, to get advice, and be this comforting older
"sister". I feel like if you keep going on this path you are on you will
ruin all that for me. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust you
again. If you can lie to [husband] (Your Husband) and say " through the good
times and that bad " and take an oath in front of everyone and god. If you
can leave him, who is to say you won't do the same to me?


- A REALLY concerned little brother

Well, let her go ahead and file if she wants to. Exactly what do you think you've done btw that warrants a restraining order be placed against you? This is your W, we're talking about, right?



That worked partly in my case - primarily because the OM was a bit of a cad and had another A going on at the same time he was having an A with my W! After their A ended, he flaunted it in front of her at the office, and that's the prime reason why she chose to leave.

I suspect that my case is the exception to the norm though, and who knows what might have happened a fews years in the future if they continued working together? I might be going through this same experience again. And even with the no love lost between them at the office, our recovery was still adversely affected, so I don't recommend it.

And guess what - the OM now has her job, and that might have been his intent all along! I am actually ANGRY now that I didn't expose when I had the possibility to do so.

Once you ensure that your actions portray a concerned husband that's trying to save his M, rather than a disturbed stalker, I think you'll have little to worry about.

BTW, if that was REALLY the case, she would not be so upset over the exposure now, would she?

[quote
BTW, if that was REALLY the case, she would not be so upset over the exposure now, would she? [/quote]

Yeah, I see your point there....I'm sure she IS upset by the exposure still.....that's the only time she ever calls me is when I've talked to someone.

I've try to reinforce this to everyone AND my WW....WW even says she knows why I'm doing what i'm doing....to save our M....but that my lack of acceptance of her true feelings is starting to make me delusional.....not to mention my "reliance on a website and people who know nothing about us"!

Bumping this up again......curious if anyone thinks this will do ANY good to get through to WW? I know she'll cry her eyes out, but doubt if it will change anything..IMHO.

With a foggy WW, who knows? Yes, will bring a tear or two, and you might get yet another furious call from your WW, but it's not likely to end the A.

When she comes after you with her anticipated fury, you stay calm! You tell her you are doing WHATEVER IT TAKES to save your marriage, and if the EXPOSURE is causing some unexpected (by her) light on the affair, then she needs to get familiar with accepting some responsibility for HER OWN ACTIONS!

I think the EMAIL from her brother will have a HECK of an EFFECT..BUT

YOU WON'T SEE THE EFFECT!!

Stop looking to HER!!

WORK YOUR PLAN!! Try to build confidence in YOURSELF and do not look to HER as EVIDENCE of your effectiveness.

She is having an affair and you are not going to talk her out of it right now. NO ONE will be able to do THAT.

So what is YOUR PLAN for your CONVERSATIONS with her? What is YOUR PLAN for this WEEKEND? Are you just gonna give in to her request for an amicable divorce..or..are you gonna tell her that YOU DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE?

If you want a DIVORCE, I could certainly understand that..but you do not have to make that CHOICE.

FOCUS ON YOURSELF..the FIRST STEP in PLAN A...She is GONE to YOU right now..This is NOT your wife any longer. She may look and act like your wife but it is not her. Think of her as being UNDER A SPELL....

My suggestion - stop hiding behind MB. When she asks you why you're doing what you're doing, respond that you're doing it because you want to save your M, and YOU think it's the right thing to do, NOT something along the lines of "well, that's what they suggest at...".

In fact, it's probably not a good idea to tell your WW about this site at all, otherwise she might try to use your comments here against you (it has happened before!).

Yeah, the MB stuff came more from her family who'd I told about it. WW also has a clue b/c at first I was trying to get her to read Dr. Haley's books (although the PA blew up before I could get her to).

While she's still actively in the A, you do NOT want her looking at your thread here. It's about the same as a coach giving his game plan to the opposing coach, a week before the game.

The advice above was on the mark. Please, for YOUR sake, and for OURS, stop reacting to everything she says and/or does. Just stop!

Work on YOU. Work YOUR Plan. Work Plan A. Even from afar. Show her a strong, INDEPENDENT, positive man, who is busting his a$$ to correct his shortcomings so far as the marriage is concerned. Show her a MAN willing to stand TALL and fight with all his heart for the marriage he believes in.

Show her a man who's not backing down or cowering in the presence of ANY of her foggy remarks (and ALL of her remarks are foggy right now)

Confident, loving, emotional detachment from the chaos in which she lives. That's how you get through this.

Day by day... it's a marathon, not a sprint.

No ONE thing that you do will make any difference.

EVERYTHING that you do (as recommended to you in this thread), over a sustained period of time, will make ALL the difference!

Get your head around all that, and stay the course.

Thanks SD, that sums things up really well. I'll keep that as my mantra! I have definitely come to that conclusion now anyway.

She wants to come by the house this weekend to get some clothes and wants to start discussing how we are going to separate things.

While I've already decided I will not listen to any D talk....if she wants it she will have to file on her own....I actually would like to get our bills split up. I agree with her on that much. She says she wants her paycheck (which is currently Direct Dep. to our joint account). I pay ALL the bills. I think if we separate the money and bills, at least she has to take care of herself instead of me doing that for her. I know this is sort of a plan B step, but it seems logical to me.......and it also provides me with a little more protection of my assests I think.

Any suggestions for this meeting on Saturday?

I think I'll try to find a lawyer today (never had one before!) Any suggestions on a good place in So.Cal to do so?

I'm sure that when WW comes this weekend and I tell her "I don't want a divorce" she's going to end up filing on her own and serving me w/ papers.....at least that's what she told me she would do.

Is there any point in negotiating with her on something besides a divorce (I think I know the answer to this!). I tossed around the idea of seeking a separation instead....just to keep the D out of the equation for now......I'm assuming that is a stupid idea though right? Just say "I don't want a divorce" and leave it at that don't you think?

You will be available for any discussions regarding how she might get rid of the OM and begin working on fixing a badly damaged marriage.

She "entered into a contract" with you (in marriage) to support a household, including rent/payment and all taxes, utilities, insurance, etc. Regardless of where she chooses to live, she should made to be responsible for 1/2 of all those expenses.

Your visit with a lawyer should focus on how to make sure she is "liable and responsible" for her part of maintaining the marital household. You may have to enter into a Legal Separation Agreement to have your way, but if that's what it takes, then that's what you should do. To do otherwise would be to shield her from accepting the "fallout" from her decisions.

Don't ever use the word Divorce. If she discusses it, stick with your mantra, you are only interested in discussions about saving the marriage. Not very many waywards go ahead and file. They want both worlds, illogical as it sounds to those of us not living in the fog. However, some do, so expect the best, prepare for the worst.

Aside from the legal aspects and exposure...stay in Plan A as long as you can stand it...up to 3-4 months. After that...Plan B.