Yes, get the testing. It is good that you are having sex. I think it is a mistake to give that up because you are separated, ESPECIALLY after an affair.

If he is having movies in his mind, you can let him know that is normal and should fade with time.

He hasn't said if he is having movies or not. I hope not but he doesn't seem like he is having them. He holds his feelings in alot. I agree I think sex is extremely important right now. I will get tested for sure.

Good.

Then you can tell him that you must have been INSANE to have an affair, and apologize over and over.

And don't have contact with the other man for any reason ever again.

I don't have contact with the other man haven't for 4 months and am so glad. I do say I am sorry over and over but I think he is just tired of hearing it. I tell him over and over that I love him but I think he gets tired of hearing that too. I just and going to try to work on his EN and try working on changing me...will keep me very very busy.

Hi Shannon,

I've been following your sister's story and am glad you are close enough to her to see the devastation this can cause.

I can't speak for your H, but believer is right, for us guys this is the biggest blow our self esteem can take. Before my wife's A I was considered as emotionally strong as they come. Once I found out the A became physical I was a complete mess for three days, could eat, sleep, and work crying the whole time. For me I had the movies going through my head for about one and a half months.

The fact that you are here looking for help is great. There are many of us who really appreciate and admire a WS that has the courage to come here to get help. The first book I got was SAA. It's probably a good one for you to read together.

All the best in your journey, know that you have friends here that will support you.

Yeah it brings me even more pain to see my sister in her situation. But I came clean way before all this happened to her and I have been trying to take care of her through this. I will check that book out but my H won't read it and I am ok with that, like I have said before I am the one who needs to fix this. I just hope its not too late and if it is I become a happier me. Thanks on the advice about how it makes him feel, I never truely meant to hurt him like that. I really really didn't.

As long as you keep showing him that you do love him, that chances are he'll come around. To me if he didn't still love you he wouldn't be having sex with you. It would just be too painful for him. You really think there’s no chance of him reading the book, or coming on this board? Could he be thinking that you want him to do this because he needs fixing? From what you said before it sounds like the M is what needs fixing, try putting it in that context. This is something you do together to get closer.

P.S. Please ask your S to let us know how thing went when your BIL dropped of the kids. If you read her thread you'll see that we’re just waiting to see if there might be a breakthrough. This was what brought my Father out of the fog.

"Could he be thinking that you want him to do this because he needs fixing?"

yes I am sure he thinks that. I know he won't read the book, He isn't much of a reader. I will keep showing him I love him and I do hope he will come around. but maybe not after tonight. I guess we will see. I am just going to keep pushing forward. Thanks for the advice on the book I am going ot order it this week!

Hi Shannon,

You're sister posted what happened. If I understood what happened right, she is being way too hard on herself. To me it sounds like they both want this to work as much as the other.

Do you think he would be into it if you read it to him, and then talk about what you read? My WW is not much of a read either, and that seemed to help.

Oh ya, do all you can to get the money to call the Harley's. I talked to Jennifer a bit over a month ago, and in one hour she helped me turn around a pretty bad Plan A. I'm booked to talk to her again on Thursday. My WW is still in some very heavy fog, and I need to get ready for plan B. If you want some good advice on plan A go read my thread. I ran the gamut of emotions and poured it for all too see. The suggestions, insight, guidance and A$$ kicking I got might help you out.

yes she is being way to hard on herself but I also understand why she was thinking she "DOORMAT"...but that is probably because I know her and I know her marriage.

He probably wouldn't want me to read it but he would I am sure be open to listen about what I read.

I will definately check out you post I started to read it before and will get finish today.do you think a plan A would work in my situation...or just showing love and kindness? I am still goint work on changing myself..cuz that is definately what I want.

You'll see (Or you've probably seen that part already) That I struggled with hopping that things I did would cause a change in my W. It took some guidance, but I understand that you can only change you for the better. You cannot change them.

Do you think he would be open to doing the EN questionnaire with you? If you present it as something for your own growth and understanding he might be open to it.

Actually,I did ask him about the EN questionaire and I think he is open too it but that was before I finally told him my last confession last night. I have to wait it out until he desides what to do at this point. The truth of the matter, I wouldn't blame him for divorcing me, but that isn't what I want. I guess we will see, I want to work it out so badly, Iam so ashamed I made the choices that I have.

I wonder if he feels needed? Remember that his ego is completely shot right now, SF is good but he needs to feel that you not only want him but also need him. It's a man thing. He's still processing everything so he might withdraw from you a little, but if you keep your message of love consistent, the chance are good that he'll come around. Many of us BS long for the chance you are giving your H, so don't give up!

You sound very genuine about your remorse here on-line. If you can get the same feeling across to him, I would think that it would have a positive effect.

I will definately work on that making him feel needed. I try to but I am sure there are other things I can do to make him feel even more needed.but the thing that worries me about that is that I am already a needed person...I don't want him to feel overwhelmed by it either.Thanks I am hoping he will want to work it out. I think he knows how completely sorry I am but I am goingto continue to let him know that. I hope he does come around...I want this marriage!

well just got off the phone with my H for the first time since we talked last night. He said he hasn't made a decision, which I guess is good. He said though he wasn't ready to continue to work on it either, back at a complete stop...which doesn't shock me. Sense we are seperated he told me he is thinking maybe we should continue that for a year and see what happens then...OMG! I didn't overreact though I just said if thats your decision I understand. I am affraid of what this will do to the children though, they already have gone through ups and downs with this. I am telling myself a year is better then a D..right! I just again told him I am going ot keep myself out of situations that are not good for me and I am going to keep working on myself and I am going to try to fight for this marriage. Any other advice???

Hi FM,

How are things going? WE haven't heard from you in a few days. He's got to get the feeling that your changes are genuine, which he will nedd to see them.