hi kld,

just wanted to send you a he11-o. continue to be strong.

and if the above is correct that he may be trying to withdraw from ow ratchet up the charm and sweep him off his feet. you have so much compassion and kindness and only deserve good things.

warmest wishes to you...

Thanks for the encouragement. I'm not sure this was withdrawal for him, I think he may just be on middle ground again not knowing what he wants to do. I think there are times when he wants our M but can't stop the A and other times he would rather have the OW. In reality I'm not sure he actually wants her, he may just want the freedom to see her when he wants to and not have the resonsibility of being married. Who knows, really, though.

I told him last night when he went to bed that I love him and that I'll always be there for him if he needs anything. He said he knows that and he's glad he has that. I am losing my patience, though. I do believe this has been going on longer than I thought at first - maybe for over a year.

He also smoked again yesterday and he had gone without smoking for about 3 weeks.

How do you keep your motivation to work things out when he seems to be such a lost cause?

KLD, I wanted to tell you that I've been keeping up with your thread, and admire your stick-to-it-iveness through this. I'm relieved that you're planning to end the waiting soon, though. It seems like more stress than most of us could bear. I think it falls into taking care of yourself, too. But I understand the wishing it would end on its own NOW, too!

I'd love to keep hearing about the good things that you're doing for yourself, too. An internal over external focus helps so much when you can get it, right?

What is your plan in the meanwhile, while you're getting the invitation and information together?

(((KLD)))

If it was me, I'd start working on myself. At the same time. Stop and decide who you want to be even if he wasn't around. You probably have made many sacrifices and compromises along the way; do you still need to be making them? Is there something about you that you gave up? Can you get it back? A hobby, a friend, a trip, a career, a new way of running your house? I believe someone asked wonderin to imagine how she'd be progressing, if her husband suddenly died, or something like that. I think it's a healthy thing to do - to imagine you taking care of you. If you take him back, make sure you know already what YOU want out of life, and that his new role in that life is full of YOU. I think it would take some of the stress out, of not knowing if things will work out. If they do, great; if they don't, you're already on the way to becoming the person you've always wanted to be, so you'll be that much stronger and happier. IOW, stop focusing so much on him. You're the one who should be the star of your show now; he has to earn his ticket back.

Cat, I like your suggestions! KLD, your motivation to work things out is about YOU and who you are, not about him and his actions. No one would fault you for whatever choice you make.

Do you know folks who've been married more than once? My experience is that the first one was the closest fit for what they needed from life and what they needed to learn, and they all tend to get further away from there. For example, dating someone 180 degrees opposite of the first spouse in some way, instead of someone more compatible or middle ground. What is your experience?

LOL, well, I have to say that I sure know if I ever remarried, he WOULD be 180 degrees away from my H! I love the guy, but he is not what I signed up for!

Cat and EO - thanks so much to each of you for keeping up with me. It means alot and helps me know that someone cares - even if they don't "know" me. I've told only 3 people about the latest discovery with my WH - my best friend and my brother and SIL. So this board is really the best outlet I have. My best friend works as a consultant - 50 hour work weeks always on the road, so I hate to be a big burden to her. I hate to dump too much on my B and SIL because they have a daughter with Down's Syndrome (she's doing wonderfully, but still...) and my nephew is a college freshman. They both have jobs where they deal with problems of others and I just don't want to be a burden on them. All three have been wonderful to me and for me, but I just don't want all my interaction with them to be about my WH and problematic M.

I have to say that there are times when I'm on the fence about what I truly think is the right thing for me in this M. Part of me wants the M to work and part of me feels that even if we stay M I won't ever be able to trust him. I've made so many changes to be what he said he wants, but when I look back on his requirements they seem to be only because he didn't want me getting insight into what he was doing. So, I backed off of asking questions and we stopped having meaningful discussions because he couldn't deal with them. He has made few changes through our M and my believe is that this trend will continue. I've said before (DJ alert) that he is stubborn and I don't expect that to change.

Anyway, I've decided to continue with the PI to see if I can get some indisputable info. He says he must go out of town tomorrow into the area she lives. I can't get in touch with my PI, though!!! I've left 4 messages, so hopefully they'll call soon.

When I get that indisputable evidence, I'm going to give him the invitation letter and see what he says. If he refuses, I'll confront him with what I know. If he accepts and then doesn't follow through, I'll confront him then.

In the meantime, I'm planning to get my work life back on track. I've been spending too much time at work worrying about my M. I'm also going to counseling again starting tomorrow. I'm planning to get some botox!! The stress has made me start looking old. I always looked about 10 years younger than I am (no kids!!! LOL) and now I think I'm starting to look my age. I've lost about 25 lbs in the past 2-3 months. I shopped for new clothes over the weekend and bought 2 pair of size 4 pants and 3 pairs of size 6. I've never been this size (1 year ago I was a 12-14) and I'm going to take advantage of it.

So the things I'm going to do for myself may sound shallow and self indulgent. But I'm going to do them.

EO - on second marriages, I've noticed the same thing. Most people I've known do tend to choose opposites of their first choice in their second marriages. I'm not sure I'd go to that extreme because we do have so much in common and we are very compatible on most things. Obviously, I'd rank a few traits higher on my scale than I did in this round if it comes to that!!!

Just talked to my PI and I'm on track for tomorrow. He will be followed to ensure he goes to the job he said he was doing. Then they'll see if he goes to see her after that. I truly can't imagine that he would be that close to where she lives (only an hour or so away) and not see her.

There has been almost no communication between them since Thursday, though. Not sure what that means. He's done most of the texting and there have been no phone calls. Only about 12 texts between them since Wednesday afternoon through noon today. Normal days before this showed about 80-120 texts every day and usually a phone call every 2-3 days.

If they've had a spat, that could be the cause of his crappy mood over the weekend.

KLD, I'm glad that there's an end in sight. Hang in there, hon. I'm glad that you're planning some things that'll make you happy. Do you have any inspiring friends to spend time with?

What do you think about sharing your weight loss secrets at our weight loss group <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

hi kld,

have you ever been able to read any of the text's they have been sending? i do not know how to text so i have no clue how they work.

i think it is great that you are getting your self some new things. maybe treat yourself to a relaxing massage or facial along with the botox.

i so admire the ability that you have had to get this far without losing it when around him.

my heart goes out to you. hopefully the pi will get evidence to help you move forward.

please take care of yourself. you are in my thoughts. <3

EO - I wouldn't mind sharing how I lost the weight, but I did it the stress and Crohn's Disease way. I haven't been able to eat very much at all for about the last 5-6 months and that's how the weight came off. I do plan to keep it off, though, and am starting an exercise routine to maintain this weight and get in shape. My example would be a bad one for anyone trying to lose weight in a healthy way.

Mrs_n, I have tried to read the texts they send, but never have access to his phone. He keeps it locked in his car almost all the time so I can't get hold of it.

The PI is following him this morning - got confirmation that she was behind him at 4:30AM. He called a few minutes ago to make sure I got up since he forgot to set the alarm so he has no idea someone is following him.

I don't know what I hope she finds out. Their communication had come to almost a screeching halt over the past 4-5 days, so who knows what has been going on. I don't know whether they will get together or not. If so, I've got my smoking gun. If not, I'll decide what I think I can handle and go from there.

Thanks so much for your support and for keeping up with me. I appreciate it more than I can express.

H's online cell phone account just updated for last night. He talked to her while I was out. I would imagine they'll get together today. Maybe the PI money will pay off after all. I'd much rather have this be nothing, but there's no way it can be anything other than an A with all the other evidence I've got. This will be the final piece I need to have him where he can't wiggle out.

From there it will be up to him to agree to NC and work to keep our M or decide to leave the M.

My plan is to present him with an invitation letter to work on our M before he goes out of town on 2/4. He will be out of town for his first week of his new job then. If he refuses the offer, I will confront him with what I know and see how things progress from there. During the week he is away he will have a chance to think about what he wants and I'll have the freedom to set some things up in case he decides he isn't interested in keeping our M.

Well, PI followed WH to OWs house. He's been there for almost an hour now. I called his cell phone a few minutes ago "to make sure he made it safely" and got his voicemail. Left a sweet and loving message.

PI is going to stay all day to see what happens. She's taking video so I should have the info I need.

Even though I knew this is what would happen, I thought I was prepared for it. I wasn't prepared at all.

He told me last night he probably will stay until Thursday. I have a few days to figure out what to do, I guess. I'd love to call OW home phone and ask for him, but that would be a really bad idea!!! LOL.

I have my counseling session at noon. Hopefully that will help calm me down.

I don't think any of us ever are ready. Do something nice for yourself and try to detach.

You've got great counseling set up. You know the important facts. You have evidence to confront/use-at-trial. You've been doing everything reasonable to preserve your marriage. The things under your control are fine. We have to trust God for the rest.

- WG

{{{KLD}}}, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how hard this is for you. Is there someone you can go see, spend time with, today? I don't want you to be alone. Your family and friends love you, and would want to be there for you, if you'll let them. Please don't take away from them the chance to help you.

Please know that I think you're amazing for being so strong and smart. You inspire me. And you'll be ok, no matter which way it goes, that's how much I admire you.

(((KLD))) I'm so sorry. I don't know if you want to hear this right now, but your life is so much bigger than his choice in actions. You are the same awesome person you were before all of this. I am glad that you're getting counseling today to help with this.

KLD

I had a whole long message I was going to post to you, but after today's events I will shorten this. I am SO sorry!!! As Wounded Gentleman said, we are NEVER ready for the absolute proof of infidelity, even when we KNOW it's happening.

I agree with every other poster here. Do something WONDERFUL for yourself.

Remember that even with the evidence being thrown right in his face, he will most likely deny. That's what waywards do. Someone on here actually had a video that she watched with her WH and he STILL denyed what was right before his eyes. But the denial will nOT last and there is one thing that is CERTAIN. No recovery can begin until he knows that YOU know and the A ends.

Right now your H is sitting on the fence AND cake eating. My FWH said that he couldn't figure out how to end the A(what a crock that was but he believed it at the time). When i confronted him, it gave him the REASON to stop(HE didn't say this but when the MC suggested it, he admitted it was true). Also, some people, both men and women, continue in all kinds of destructive and irresponsible behaviors merely because they lack SOMETHING(character? strength of will? they have addictive personalities? whatever?). It isn't always that they are having a grand time doing what they are doing. They just start doing something and get caught up in it and THINK they can't stop it even if they sort of want to. My FWH is like this about a number of things and I suspect yours is too.

I may be wrong but I think he will end the A and then you will be able to figure out what to do.

You are probably right on the money about the "changes" he has made. My FWH and I had a talk Sunday night about his "false" changes . HOWEVER, some of those changes have now become real.

I only speak so much about my FWH because he seems so much like yours.

You are a fantastic person and life is going to get better. Please keep coming here for support and encouragement.

WH2LE

{{{ KLD }}}

I am so sorry... I'm amazed at how strong you are. You are taking great actions, finding out the truth and facing it. You can never be completely ready for something like this.

Be gentle with yourself today. I'm glad you have a counseling session scheduled. It's good you have time to pull yourself together before you confront, also. You're right, calling OW's house would be a bad idea, no matter how tempting it sounds.