Thanks for sharing your confrontation story, Mark. It does help me to hear how others have approached this.

I have a loose timeline laid out, too, and I thought I might use some of that info. Since I don't know if this will end in D or not, I don't want to share everything I know just to prove I know it. I'm sure he will lie, so I do need to stand by my knowledge without giving away all my negotiating cards in case I need them.

One thing I'm going to need to be aware of is that I talk too much. I have a habit of asking a question and then continuing to talk. I need to ask the question and shut up for the answer. When I get really upset I ask a question, say what I think about that question, and then usually get annoyed that I don't get a concise answer. I'm getting better at this because I've been working on it, but I'm afraid that in a stressful situation like this will be I'll fall back to my old ways if I'm not very aware.

I'm determined because I must get this monkey off my back.

AWESOME <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

LAUNCH THE NUKES!!!

and then usually get annoyed that I don't get a concise answer.

Get ready then to be very annoyed, because I'm sure there will not BE any concise answers.

A lot of tap dancing, stuttering, and indignant boisterous denials, that you know are bull. Get ready for mis-directed anger back at you. Stay calm and collected.

I guess I don't understand what questions you are going to ask.

Not like "Are you having an affair? (or two?)"

But more like "I know you are having an affair!!! (or two!)

Stay strong!! You are in the right here, up on the high road.

kirk

Put a rubber band around your wrist or a string; rubber band is better, to remind you to be concise, because you can pop it and give yourself a little jolt to get back to your calm, sensible self.

I'm going to tell him I know about the A w/ OW#1 only at this time. I'm going to tell him a few of the details I'm aware of and keep as many details to myself as possible.

The questions I'm going to ask will come up as he denies and lies. I'm going to try not to ask too many why questions because I don't want to give him a chance to blame this all on me. If he does, though, I will be prepared to not take responsibility for his decisions. I think some of my questions will be about where we go from here.

I know I'm going to get very annoyed, but I'm going to try to operate from strength and not lose my temper if I can help it. When I raise my voice, he gets even more defensive and usually withdraws - a common reaction for many who are getting yelled at, really.

I honestly hope to be able to tell him I know, that what he is doing has made me extremely angry and unbearably hurt. I then plan to tell him that I love him and would like to recover our M but I will not be married to someone who is involved with other people in any way. Then, I hope I can ask him what he thinks should happen next. From there, it's anyone's guess what will come after that.

Why not tell him, "I want you to know that I know you are cheating on me. I also want you to know that I am not willing to stay in a M where there is ongoing unfaithfulness. Nor am I willing to be married to a man who is not honest and transparent w/ me. (Add whatever else you are unwilling to accept.)

And then wait.....









For as long as it takes for him to reply.

~ Marsh

Marsh, this is actually a good and simple approach that just may work with my WH. It also will probably be easier to deliver than trying to remember a bunch of details. I'll probably have a few of them to pull out because he will probably ask, but this should be doable for me. Thanks for the suggestion.

Be prepared with a plan for what happens if he IS willing to end the affair.

That he will need to contact the OW, via letter that you mail -- or by phone with you present. In other words, no mushy goodbyes and no more communication without your approval.

Be ready to seal off all his communication venues.
Be ready with a GPS tracker. Be ready to change phone numbers.

What else?

You're welcome.



Do not answer any of his "What proof do you have" questions. (Or any of his questions for that matter.)

If he goes there, simply tell him that you are not willing to discuss any proof that you have w/ him.

And then wait.....









For as long as it takes for him to reply.

There is only ONE subject you want to hear from him... What he is willing to do to stay married to you.

Stay focused on this ONLY.

Sit quiet and let him talk and talk.

If need be, let there be lots of awkward silence.

You stay quiet! VERY very quiet.

Let him talk.

If he tries to draw you into an argument or even into a discussion w/ him, simply say, "I would prefer to hear your thoughts at this time."

You can do this!

~ Marsh

KLD, and don't ask him if he is having an affair or ASK him any details. You KNOW the details and you know the truth. You don't need his admission to know the truth.

Marshmallow is right. My WH is the world's best liar and this is what I did too.

Sat him down. Looked him in the eye.

Told him I knew (no details) and waited

and waited

He knew I wasn't going to leave till it came out.

Funnily enough he was relieved afterwards. Obviously I got the edited version but he had been carrying this stuff around for so long that, even for him, it had become a burden.

What I said ....

"How long have you been screwing *her*?"

he did the WS usual "blah blah blah" song 'n dance

I repeated the same question until he answered

.....

don't say much yourself
be calm
do not raise your voice
do not cry

when he answers (if he does)

say

"Thanks for the honest answer, finally."

Then go for a walk or go to the gym or go to the park - alone

then you can cry and rant

then call a friend

let WH sit and stew and wonder "What is she doing????"

I never thought about leaving after getting an answer - if the truth actually comes. I tend to always hang in there to keep talking. A break would be a shock to him!

So what about next steps? Let's say the conversation ends with him admitting and I say thanks and leave. What comes next and when? Do I decide how long I'll wait to hear from him and then bring up next steps myself if he doesn't address it?

KLD,

LOVE Marshmallow's suggestion and and Pep's follow-up.

As for next steps, what do YOU want? If he flat-out lies or tells the truth but indicates he isn't stopping would you like to go right to Plan B? I think it's important to remember that you do NOT have to make a FINAL decision immediately about D or not or even Plan B unless the path is VERY clear for you to do that.

If you leave, stay away as long as YOU feel you need to. Maybe just a short time, maybe a few hours. I'm not sure I would expect to hear from him or even answer your phone if he calls it.

After I left the house and went for my drive and got home, my H was still sleeping/escaping. I called my 2 best friends who gave me courage and support and then I cleaned my kitchen, cleaned out the refrigerator and cleaned my oven. I was in classic shock.

Then I got dressed, make-up and all and went over to see one of those 2 friends. When I got home from her house, he was up and dressed and actually tried to pretend like none of it happened. He asked me(nicely) where I had been and I told him it was none of his business. I asked him what he thought he was doing. He stumbled around and I told him that I wanted EVERY detail(it took him a week to actually confess it ALL to me) and that if he wasn't going to give me what I wanted he could leave now.

I told him that what he had done had changed ALL the rules and that I didn't know how this was going to end up. I was scared **itless but I know he didn't think I was and he was stunned.

If you are going to stay and he indicates that he wants to that would be the time to tell him EXACTLY how it's going to be done(regarding NC letters and counseling etc.).

This attitude worked with my husband. He ABSOLUTELY would not have told the truth if I had been calm and not wanted to appear angry. He would have done ANYTHING to weasel out of it. He HAD to see me being cold, angry and not responding to his attempts to soften me up. I know that it is advised that we don't raise our voice and stay calm(and actually, one of my 2 friends told me that morning to do that) but I knew my husband and I know that he would have just been relieved that I wasn't going to cause a ruckus and he would have seen it as his way to act as though it wasn't so bad. He would have seen me as weak and meek and taken advantage of it just like he had for the previous year.

I may be wrong KLD, but your H appears to think you are weak. You are NOT of course, but he SEEMS to have this attitude. He sounds like a bully(which my husband is and he is coming to realize). Bullies look for any chinks in your armour and consider "niceness" when dealing with conflict as "weak". It is laughable that my H thought I was weak. He had to see that I was not.

Be strong and made as he!!.

Sending good thoughts and prayers your way.
WH2LE

Plan what you say - and only say what you plan - then, shut up and OBSERVE him - do not help him come up with answers


I know what I would do - but you are not me.
I would have a little weekend bag all packed and ready to go in my car - and I'd take off for the beach - time out for thinking -
and he would not know where I was

BUT YOU have a problem - and it is the MONEY trail leading to OW ! He is paying her bills.

Be sure WH cannot wipe out your finances !!!!


What you need to think about while you are alone - what sort of man do you want to spend the rest of your life with?

Myself, I refused to stay married to any man I did not respect - and my WH had to step up immediately to earn my respect.

I was certain I would not stay married to a morally bankrupt man
I was certain I would not be in a marriage with a man who was in love with another woman
I was certain I did not want a husband who was incapable of being the spiritual head of the family

I was fully prepared to be without him - if he did not earn my respect

love? love was still there - but love is not enough without respect, in my opinion

WH can't wipe them all out - I have much secured right now. What he can get isn't all that much.

I'd love to be able to take off for the beach for a day or two. I might consider it - lord knows he did it to me more than 3-4 times this past spring and summer. I fear that he will go spend it with OW, and I don't want that to happen, but I can't stop him forever.

I think he's seeing her tomorrow. He told me at 9PM he'd be gone tomorrow, too, so I was able to send a note to PI and see if she was available. I was lucky enough to get my PI online early enough and she's going to follow her again and see what she can find out. She may have some extra time to snoop around family and the courthouse to see what kind of info she can grab.

KLD,

I think going away for the weekend is a fantastic idea.

You need to start doing more self care.

Even if he goes to OW, he sure won't have much fun, b/c he'll be wondering about YOU.

I don't think you should narrow your conversation to only ONE OW. Since he is currently seeing at least FOUR OW. This is much more than a typical A, it is a way of life w/ your H.

That's why I suggested the phrase, "I know you are cheating on me." He might think you know about one woman, or he might think you know about all of them.

I think the most important thing to do is to let him know you know.

And then wait on him.

No matter what he says, I think getting away afterwards is a very good idea.

If he tells you the full truth, if he tells you part of the truth, or if he tells you more lies....leave.

You really will need the time away from him to think through all of this.

~ Marsh

Well, WH left early this morning as is his usual routine when working out of town. He called just before 6AM to tell me that he was coming home because the job got pushed out to next week. Just wanted to let me know he was coming back home so he wouldn't accidentally frighten me when he came in because I'd probably not have left for work when he got there..

I quickly called PI to see if she was following him and she had decided to go ahead of him since she knew where he was going. So, she was going to go ahead and check in on OW and see what she was up to today.

I checked his cell phone records online and he did receive calls yesterday from the place where the work was to take place and no calls to OW. Plenty of texts to/from her, but no phone. The job must have been legit, but he would surely have seen her. PI says that he might still call later today and say the job's back on to give him an opportunity to stay the night instead of just having a day trip. PI is already there, so she's going to check some other records at the courthouse just to see if anything comes up on OW that might be helpful if we end up in court.

I'm so glad I'm going to tell him I know this weekend. This is exhausting trying to keep up with him and what he's up to. I know I'll have to continue to be diligent if we don't immediately go to plan b, but geez this is so tiresome.

KLD, my prayers are with you! (((KLD)))

Thanks, EO. I appreciate it very, very much!