KLD,

One more thought. He has already thought of MANY outcomes to this siuation. Sociopathic liars(sorry for the DJ and I don't mean to diagnose, but...) do that because...well...they lie.

BELIEVE NOTHING he says and prepare yourself for ANYTHING.

Remember, he has told the same horrific lies to the OWs. They are NOT his soulmates and friends. They are part of his "web of lies life".

Contact and expose to them. Try to get to the OWs before he does after you have confronted.

Praying,
WH2LE

KLD, how're you doing, hon?

KLD,

We're here for you. Have been checking often to see how you are. Praying and praying some more.

WH2LE

just bumping to hear from KLD. Honey, we're rooting for you. Please let us know you're ok, when you have the chance.

I confronted him yesterday afternoon. I was able to keep my temper under control, but I did cry. I didn't get out of control crying, though.

I started out by telling him that he knows I'm on ADs because of the stres and things going on in my life that I've had a hard time handling and that i'm in counseling. He agreed that he knew those things. I then told him that I know about OW (I used her name). He said what about her? I said that you're having an affair. He denied. I said I know it's true, no need to lie about it more. He still denied. I told him that i knew he spent the night at her house last week for 2 nights and that the 12 hour days of work he claimed to have done was really only abou 3. I told him about taking her and the daughter to dinner. He couldn't deny any more. He wanted to know if I followed him - I said all you need to know is that I know about all of it.

He never really got mad. He withdrew a little. I told him I knew about the other women from online and the one in MA. He denied all of that. I gave him details of his online profile and he said it wasn't him - I didn't share that I know it's him because he used the same password he uses on everything else and I was able to get into the profile and see everything even stuff that didn't show up.

So, I basically shared enough info so he knows I'm on to him big time. I may have shared too much, but I did it like I felt I needed to.

He said he was sorry when I asked if he had anything to say. I then told him what a low-life piece of trash he'd hooked up with and asked if he knew some of the financial details I had on her and he said he didn't know. He's probably lying or he's really pissed at her right now or maybe he doesn't care...

I asked him again if he has anything to say and he again said he's sorry. He said he does have some things to say to me, but he wants to think it through before he does.

So, I took an ambien and went to bed at 8:30 last night.

He did text her after our talk. I found it on his online account this morning. I have no idea what they were saying to each other, though. He didn't change any of his passwords - I checked everything this morning and I still have the same accesses as before. So he didn't think I got my info this way or he just doesn't care anymore.

He did ask what it would be like if we tried to work it out. I told him immediate no contact with any of these women and he could never have contact with them again. He would have to learn how to create boundaries to protect his part of the M and we would have to work together to determine how things would go for recovery. He would have to be transparent to me and come clean with everything.

This may be too tall of an order for him, but I guess I'll wait to see what he says.

When I went to bed, I told him that I just needed to tell him that he has hurt me more than I've ever been hurt in my life. I told him I'd never beent his angry at anyone ever before. That this betrayal was sometimes more than I felt I could bear. I told him he needed to hear those things to know at least part of what he's done and continues to do.

He said he knows all those things. He also said he needs me to know that he's not moving out of his home. I said then you also need to know that I'm not moving out of my home, either. Then I went to bed.

If he doesn't come with his response to me in the next few days - at least by the end of the week - I'm going to file for D. I may ask him one more time what his response is, but if I get nothing, then I'm done.

{{{KLD}}}}

Wow, you were amazing. I'm so sorry I have to say it in this context, but you were. And nothing from him? Just wow.

Maybe he was in shock; maybe he's used to controlling things so he has no intention of showing weakness.

Make sure he knows he's not sleeping in the bedroom any more. Move everything he owns that was in the bedroom into the guest room if you have one, or into boxes in the living room. That's all you have to say on that matter. Let him know who's in charge, as it sounds like he's trying to regain control and may feel he can manhandle his way into getting the upper hand. If you have to leave work to do it, do so. Take half the day off today (mental health day), and have it done before he gets home. I really think this is imperative, because it sounds to me like he's going to try to regain control.

If you can, type out some sample NC letters and hand them to him when he gets home. See what he says. That will tell you what he's decided.

You remind me of a man, a building contractor, who tried to scam us. We prepared a notebook of proof that he had scammed us, complete with video; we asked him to our house, he tried to do his bs about he's just been misunderstood, then we showed him the notebook and the video, which we said we were taking to the authorities if he didn't finish our renovation. He immediately shut up. What else could he say?

I'm so proud of you!

Yes, when men are caught, they often clam up. But part of your recovery will be getting your questions answered, even if it takes several days. You did give him a lot of info, so anything that you can convert to "I guessed it," at this point, I would.

Remember that thing about no SF until you've decided for certain about the D. Right here is the time where men look for a weakness, try to schmooze in romantically, try to take advantage, attempt to make things feel same ole/same ole. My thoughts are with you.

You did great.

KLD,

YOU ARE FABULOUS!!!! He is definitely shocked at you. But he is an accomplished liar and is very angry that he has had to admit some of the truth. His coldness is a form of controlled panic.

I am so sorry for the unbelievable pain that you are in even as I am typing this. I know that this is as bad as it gets. Whatever happens, it will not hurt worse than this. I also know that is no comfort when you have been betrayed this badly.

I love it that you didn't let on how you got your information. Your control is amazing.

Have you exposed to each of the OWs? REMEMBER, he is a liar. Not just to you. To EVERYBODY!!!! Even though my H did not lie on this scale, he told me about MANY lies he had told the OW. Affairs are built on LIES. Even if you get a D(which I know seems likely at this moment), expose to the OWs. And attempt to call the XW. I suspect there is more there to help your case.

Alos, try to think that anything else you find out now is going to help you, even if it it is initially painful.

I am proud of you too. And also devastated for you.

Did you call your friends? Go see them if you can, even if just for a half hour. Don't forget to eat and drink. TELL SOMEONE!!! Someone who will watch out for you and ask how you are every time you talk to them. I wish I was your next door neighbor right now. We would drink tea and I'd cry with you.

By the way, ditto on everything from Cat. Do NOT let him bully you.

Praying,
WH2LE

Thanks to each of you for the encouragement. I'm feeling so low right now - I think everything has just crashed in. I felt a burden lifted yesterday when I was telling him what I know, but soon after all I wanted to do was sleep. I feel that way now and I have to work. I've been at work all day and haven't done a thing.

I did tell 2 of my friends through email the basics of what happened. My brother called yesterday while my WH was out getting himself some dinner (he did offer to bring me something, too) and told him what had happened. So some of my support group IRL knows.

I want to expose OW to each other, but I don't think I'm ready to do that today. I know I should - maybe this afternoon. I am going to call th XW in the next few minutes. Don't know if she'll be home or not, but I'm going to try.

Thanks again for the support and encouragement. It means more than I can say.

Hang in there KLD!
You're doing great.
You're taking back your life.

(((HUGS)))

Well, XW is a dead end. The number I had is disconnected and PI hasn't been able to find anything else out on her, either. Guess I need to let that one go at least for now.

Hi KLD,

I have been reading......
I hope you don't mind if I give my opinion.

It looks like you have been getting really good help. It also looks like you personally are doing well. Sometimes, when in the middle of it all, it doesn't FEEL like you are doing well, but from here, it does look good.

Why?

Well, you haven't come apart at the seams. You may feel the stress, and the strain, and it may affect your health, and your ability to sleep, but you are still keeping things together. You know (as does everyone who goes through this) that it takes a terrible toll on a person. It occupies your waking thoughts much more than anything ought to, and sometimes your sleeping thoughts also. It affects pretty much everything you do to some extent. However, you are still functioning. You have goals, and you are accomplishing them. You have a plan, and you have been working it.

Your H has choices. He can tell the truth, and try for recovery, or he can continue to stall, lie, and try to hide things. I am not impressed with his reaction so far. The initial reaction was not that of a repentant man who wanted to make things right. We don't know his thoughts now. He could be agonizing over the wrongs he has inflicted on you, and wondering how he can ever make it right. Or, he could be trying to hang on to his addiction, and wondering how he can continue to play all of you so he has what he wants.

Remember that you have choices too. If he makes some of the right noises, and you try to work out your marriage, you still have the choice to leave at a later date. I am not saying that you should leave, or that you will, but that choice won't go away. It seems to help to keep some of these basic facts in mind when you make decisions.

No matter what he does, you can still make the choice to be happy, to always do what is right, to have dreams, and make them come true. No matter what he does, all is not lost for you, and you can still have a wonderful life. I hope you believe that, for it is true.

Now, I am not suggesting that you can turn off the stress in an instant, and that everything will be perfect in a day, or a week. It's just that sometimes we get in a hole, and we concentrate on the walls of the hole, and not the fact that there is a whole big wide world up top, and that we won't be in the hole forever. I would like you to spend some time concentrating on the good, and remembering that the bad won't last forever.

I hope you believe in yourself. That doesn't mean you are able to say the words....... but I hope you feel deep down that you are of great worth, and that you matter, and that you can, and will be happy.

I hope you pray. I hope you get answers, and comfort, and know that God is there, and that he cares, and will help.

I hope you know that we care too.
SS

Thank you for reminding me that deciding to work it out isn't set in stone. I do have worries that he will say he wants to work it out and then go right back to the same patterns. I'm not willing to allow more than zero tolerance going forward.

I just checked his cell phone account again - he texted her all the way to work this morning - 30 texts between them in about an hour. Yesterday they texted about 20 times after he knew that I know about his A.

I realize that he has commited to nothing at this point because he's barely said a word. Continuing to communicate isn't a surprise, but I'm still so very angry about it. I really can't give it up to him that I know because I can't reveal that I know how to get into his account.

I suppose it's a waiting game for me now, anyway. I need to wait to hear what he says and if he agrees to work things out then we discuss how he can prove his honesty to me. Until then, I continue be strong and see what happens.

I have been praying - for me, my parents (who are taking this really, really hard), my WH, and also OW. I've had a hard time praying for her, but I've managed to do it some. I guess my prayer may get cancelled out, though, when after I say "Amen" I wish she'd get run over by a bus?????? LOL.

I'm not impressed with his reaction so far, either. He's a very quiet person who doesn't communicate well when placed in a stressful situation. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt there.

However, I'm less than thrilled that immediately after he found out about my knowledge and then this morning he's in touch with her as much as he was before I told him I know. It's not showing me all that much that he's interested in cutting off contact. I think he's paying bills for her and this will be a problem that he will have to work out. I also think she is a piece to a lawsuit he has going and will want to use that as a reason to continue to be in touch. He's woven quite a web of deceit that he is going to have to work out of if he wants to be M to me.

I've considered sending her a picture of us so she can see the family she's trying to break up. Trash like her doesn't care about that, though. I'd be wasting my time and probably just giving him a reason to be angry.

KLD,

Not to give her too much credit -- but your husband has very likely lied to her too.

He may have told her he's divorced. He may have told her he was never married. He may have told her he's married, but there's some big reason he can't divorce you -- like you have cancer or some other reason to get her sympathy.

She may drop him like a hot potato when she hears he is married. Or she may bust his balls like never before.
But I don't think you have much to lose by giving her the truth...

She knows he's married. I've talked to her on the phone several times when they worked together - asking for him when I called and telling her I was his wife. Then another time when I found her number repeatedly on his bill. I called her then and asked her why she was calling and texting my husband every day. That was in about April or so of last year. Then I talked to her again in July when I couldn't find him for 4 days. When she wouldn't tell me what she knew, I had the detective who was working the missing persons case I filed on him give her a call. She talked then and I found out he had seen her but only for lunch on Saturday.

He may have told her some bs story, but she kmows I exist.

My question is - do I wait until he says he wants to work out the M to call these women and their families, or do I do it now before he's hardly said boo about what kind of crock pot he's found himself in?

KLD,

Good for you on the confrontation.

The reason you feel as low as before is because this guy is a LUMP!

He is sorry. Yeah sorry you found out!!

Did he beg your forgiveness? Sounds like all he said was "I will not move out of the house."

BECAUSE HE IS A LUMP!

I'm afraid you are going to have to get a crow bar and PRY him to do ANYTHING.

He is texting this chick and weighing all his alternative options before he will get back to you with his reply!! HOW DISRESPECTFUL OF HIM!!

Lowlife keeps coming to mind.

Sorry, but I would go directly to plan D, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Stay strong.

kirk

(((KLD))), just sending some more hugs and prayers your way. My instinct would say to go ahead and expose because he hasn't stopped the texting yet, but have you and Jennifer discussed possible outcomes already?