I think his "non-reaction" and texting marathon IS his answer. He's NOT sorry. He's figuring out his options. Are you prepared for Plan B? I thinking Plan A would be a waste on this guy. Sorry.

I've been in Plan A for a while even though I wasn't aware of the A. I haven't talked to Jennifer again because things just got so out of control and I just couldn't do anything but research for a while. I probably should try to get with Jennifer again and see what she says.

I talked to my mom this morning and told her that I have a fairly long list of requirements that he would have to meet to come back to our M. If he doesn't bring the issue up himself by Friday at the very latest, I'm filing for D. I'm not warning him of this, either, I will just do it.

I'm not actually prepared for Plan B, because I don't exactly know how I'd accomplish it without moving out of our house. I don't think I should have to move - I haven't been sleeping around - and I don't think he will move. Can my lawyer help with this? Or am I better to just file for D and forget about plan B?

A big part of me says Plan B will only give him more time to play around while not having to be responsible for the M he is still a part of.

I agree that the 50 texts means that he's discussing with her what to do. If I had to guess, he may actually think he has feeling for her (sorry) and that he may have been making some sort of fantasy plans for him and her, once he figured out how to get rid of you. The others? Just a symptom of his addiction.

I don't know what it is she's giving him that his depraved mind craves, but it's something. If you were me, I'd start pulling out all his 'goodies' until all he's got left to keep him living with you is sheer determination on his part to get to keep the house. Sell his golf clubs ('oh, didn't you say you were tired of them? I thought you did!'), accidentally bleach a washload of pants so he has to wear the same pants every day, burn the food...you get the idea.

Of course, if he does break down and beg forgiveness, I take it all back...

As for exposing, I would wait until tomorrow, see what happens tonight. He's obviously fortifying his 'method' today with chickadee, so what what crap he comes up with. And have all your exposure plans ready. And don't let him know you're doing it. I truly believe that your greatest defense is sheer silence. Drive him batty trying to figure out what you're going to do.

I read once that the greatest punishment you can do to a child for a transgression is to tell him/her that you and father/mother have to discuss it tonight, after you've gone to bed, and will let you know your punishment in the morning. Then let them stew on it all night long, wondering how bad the punishment is going to be. Usually, the torment is worse than the punishment. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'm sure the lawyer will know how to get him out of the house, if you so decide. Unless you're afraid of violence, in which case you should involve family and/or authorities. I guess plan b is only if you want to reconcile, isn't it? So that's the $20 million question. I guess if it were me, it would depend on his actions of the next few days, just like you're planning.

First, I agree. You SHOULD talk to Jennifer for direction.

Secondly, aren't you in the same state as EOTS? Where they have AOA laws? If you are, then you have a big advantage, if you decide to go the D route. Your attorney could get him out of the house with temporary orders. You can also file on the fault ground of adultery.

Where is EOTS? I'm in Georgia. I know we don't have AOA laws here - believe me, I'd use it if I had it. I know I can file on grounds of adultery.

I think I'll make an appt with Jennifer and see what she has to say.

Oh my bad. I thought he was in Atlanta too.

Expose to everyone you can. File for D, and when he goes away over night again, change the locks.

~ Marsh

KLD,

Plan D can actually be the same as Plan B. A divorce isn't final until it's final. The important thing is to protect yourself and that's what Plan B is about. You can do the same things whether you want to save your M or get a D. Like you said, you have already Plan Ad, so it's time to move to the next step.

Again, I am not a vet here and I fear contradicting their advice, but I would NOT wait to expose. Your H does not act like the common run-of-the-mill cheater(whatever THAT is lol).

He is a cool cucumber.

I believe that when he told you that he hads things to say to you but that he wanted to think about them first that he was using the stalling tactic. He was truly caught by surprise and he did not have a ready plan.

He has you convinced that he does not communicate well under pressure. I don't believe that is the case. He knows how to put you off, create insecurities in you and engender sympathy for himself. How many times has he used this same technique to guilt you to get to give him time to "collect" himself?

Catch him by surprise again.

Great idea not to warn him about possibly filing for D.

The mere fact that he has not changed his passwords tells you how he underestimates you. Use t his.

I would expose IMMEDIATELY. BEFORE he has a chance to "spin" the story too much to the OWs. You can't, of course, put out every fire he starts but you can keep dampen some of them a little. This is NOT revenge. It's the right thing to whether you are going to get a D or save your M.

Think of lying as your WH's "hobby". He loves it. He works at it. He has perfected his abilities. Do not give him the benefit of the doubt UNLESS you can do it WITHOUT further damage to yourself.

I had to laugh when you talked about praying for the OW. I have given up trying to do that for the moment because my prayers always went like this: "Oh Lord, please bless OW and help her to see that she's a B****".

I am guessing that God is not going to honor that prayer!!!!!

WH2LE

You don't have to move. Unfortunately he may not have to either. In my state neither party can be forced out of the marital home until the D is final. But if his life with you does not give him the satisfaction it has thus far he may CHOOSE to leave. DO NOT LEAVE!!!!!

Praying,
WH2LE

I will not leave that house. There's no doubt about that. If I have to continue to live with him, I will, but I will not pack a suitcase to stay in a hotel while he figures his carp out. I have alot more resources than he does to fight this in court - not that I want to use them all, but I will if I have to.

I'm going to print everything I can that's new every day. I had been doing it once a week or monthly, but now I'll do it daily in case he changes his passwords.

My mom asked me today if there was anything they can do to help. I told her that at some point I may want them to tell WH how this has made them feel. I know he loves and respects them and I'd like him to know that he's hurt them, too. I'm not sure what the best timing would be for this - maybe it depends on what he plans to do. I also think a letter would be more appropriate than a phone call. Thoughts on this?

KLD, I wasn't going to post this until it felt like the right time. Why would he keep starting to leave, then come back? Is he beneficiary to a life insurance policy? You've probably already done this, but write a new will when you get the chance. Make sure that nothing goes to him. Have your brother be your executor so he can't get his hands on it.

Because ... I have this weird suspicion ... feel free to correct me if I'm wrong... that if there is heart disease in your family, he may be working an angle. (And I apologize if I am so very wrong!) His actions were piling up stress upon stress upon stress on you. Nearly everything he's done over the past couple of years has been stressful, neglectful and cruel.

Is he trying to stress you out into a collapse? Is he trying to outlive you? Again, I am sorry if I am so very wrong. Maybe five years from now, everyone will know how very wrong I am.

But I just get this weird feeling. He is just so cold and calculating. Even now, I cannot help but suspect he is calculating something. He was prepared for this to some degree. He is not giving you anything to hold on to so far.

KLD,

Calculating is an excellent word.

Personally, I would have your parents call him NOW!! Unless it's too stressful for them to speak to him. Then send him an e-mail, again, NOW!! HIS fantasy world needs to come crashing down. If the stress is hard for HIM, all the better. Heap it on!!!

Praying,
WH2LE

Valentine - I appreciate your concern for my health and longevity! I never ever considered that he was doing anything to jeopardize my health. I supposed it's not out of the question, though. I already have Crohn's Disease and WH is almost always very understanding amd helpful regarding that. He probably knows that that won't kill me though!!! LOL

The largest part of my estate would be my retirement accounts which I can't take out of his name without his signature. I don't think I could get that from him at this time. My life insurance isn't much (only about $150K) or so I could easily have changed to my brother. My newphew is already secondary on my retirement accts, but that won't matter if WH is around when I enter the pearly gates.

WH just called to tell me he was on his way home from work. Wanted to tell me he had a good first day and that he is happy about it. Wonder if he called me or OW first?

Asked me how my day went, I said it was fine. I was pretty distant and not chatty. I can't believe he called like he normally would after all that happened yesterday.

I'm supposed to go to a class tonight and he wanted to know if I was going. I said I am going. He asked what time I'd be home and if I wanted him to have some dinner waiting on me when I got there.

I've been suspicious that he was having OW in our home when I've been in class, but all my research shows that's never been the case. I've shown up unexpectedly without letting him know twice and he's always been there alone.

He had nothing to say like he is sorry for anything. He's acting like nothing happened. He didn't even seem to notice that I was quieter than normal. What is the matter with this man?

KLD,

This sounds like his typical MO. Throw you off guard, pretend like his behavior is reasonable and suck you back into his game. DON'T DO IT. Tell him that you are NOT going to pretend any longer that there is nothing going on and then when he is ready to talk to let you know. Do NOT even show him common courtesy. Ignore him as though he is not there if he chooses not to discuss the issue at hand.

He considers your politeness to be weakness. He WILL exploit this. This is what I personally thought he might do. It is what my H did. It will drive you crazy. Do not act as though nothing has happened. If he wants to do that, well, dandy for him. But don't YOU do it. It will work against you in every way.

Praying,
WH2LE

KLD,

I forgot to say what I really mean.

BE MAD. ACT MAD!!! STAY MAD!!!

You are doing beautifully!!!!

WH2LE

One of the phrases we hear often on MB is "How can I get him to........"

You are not using it. I believe that is a good thing. You can't get him to do anything, and really, you don't want to "Get" him to. What you want, is to know what is in his heart. If you knew his heart was right, but he was weak, you would probably hand around helping for a long time.

One of the things we learn as we go through life is to watch a persons actions to see what their intent really is. Often they say one thing, but do another.

Knowing about the texts on the way to work, I wonder if you really need any other indicators. If there are problems with her that would take a lawyers help to untangle, he should have told you, and asked for your help. (Joint loans, or whatever.) He has not discussed any of it with you, nor has he expressed sorrow. He has continued to communicate with her. Is this the sign of someone who is sorry, and wants to make you happy?

I don't see this as a case of someone who isn't getting their needs met going elsewhere.

Probably it is best not to force his hand though. If you apply force he may do an about face and actually cut off all contact with the OW's just to preserve his financial health. If you really want to see what he is made of, lie low, don't confront again for a few weeks, and let him show you his true colors.

He already denied, denied, denied. He is acting like nothing happened. You are asking "What is the matter with this man?"

It looks like someone who is stalling for time.

If he does say he wants to make it work, you will have to decide if you trust him enough to try.

One way to tell is to give him Jennifer's number, and tell him to call her and work out a plan for recovery. Also tell him that if the plan is good enough, you MAY go along with it, but if not, all bets are off. Please don't promise him anything. I hate to tell you that, but you need to protect yourself, more than you need to try to help him. Please continue to operate from a position of personal safety.

There is no reason for you to have to do all the work if he really wants to recover.

I have made some assumptions about what is in your head. You may make some about what is in his. You can't afford to give him the benefit of the doubt at this point. You have to take the POV that he is a lier, and a cheat until HE PROVES OTHERWISE. If he doesn't want to take up the challenge, you have decisions to make.

Carefully read the suggestions given to you. Use them in your plan if they are a good fit. I personally don't have much faith in him right now. It would take a total about face for me to even begin to believe, and then a long uphill battle for him to get back to a normal relationship.

You may want to read this in case you need it in future discussions -
This is from another poster who hasn't been on the form for a while (Takola)

"It is frustrating to know your mate does not trust you. The knowledge can be quite painful. It is also, underneath the hurt, empowering. You know what is wrong, so now you can figure out how to fix it.

Trust is earned, as is credibility. It is not something freely given, no matter how much society tries to pretend that it is. Trust is earned by repeatedly telling verifiable truths. It is earned by not causing harm to another. It is earned when someone is always there to catch us when we fall. It is damaged when someone allows us to fall or, worse, is the cause of the tumble. It is damaged when untruths are detected. It makes us question what else has occurred. What else was dishonest? When else were you pushed and caused to stumble?


The answer to the loss of trust is to realize first that there is a reason for it.

Second, you need to take responsibility for it.

Third, you need to accept that it takes time to rebuild trust.

Fourth, you need to behave in a trustworthy manner so as to actually rebuild the trust.

People come to me all the time complaining that their spouse doesn’t trust them. My answer is to repair their credibility and behave in a verifiably trustworthy manner.

“He should just know I’m telling the truth.” No. Read The National Enquirer. Do you just know that any article in there is true? I hope not. The problem is credibility. Until you rebuild your own, you must rely on the credibility of other things that independently verify your truthfulness.

Spouses who have lost credibility make the mistake of trying to stand on it anyway. If you try to stand on a bridge that isn’t there, you are going to fall. Same thing happens when you try to stand on missing credibility. They also try to push it to be the problem of the spouse who doesn’t trust them

“She just has trust issues.” My answer is, “She has issues trusting you because you’ve taught her that trusting you leads to pain and/or humiliation. She shouldn’t trust you. Want trust? Earn it.”

Final analogy: trust isn’t like the lottery, where you get a lot for practically nothing. It’s more like a paycheck that has to be earned."

Remember to breathe - and learn to relax. Even if you have to force it (SS smiles) You'll catch on.

SS

Well, tonight when I got home I kind of lost it. I did a few of my chores and got pjs on for bed. WH said he was tired and was going go bed. He said he didn't sleep well last night. Poor thing.

I had only about 3-4 words for him when I got home and was doing my few little things to do. When he said he was going to bed he asked if I wanted him to sleep in the guest room. I said he could sleep wherever he pleased. Then I thought about it and went back in there and told him I didn't want to sleep in the bed with him right now knowing that he'd been spending so much time naked with OW and behaving like nothing was wrong. That comment made him mad and said I thought we'd get past this but you're going to hold it over my head. He had already said he would talk to me tomorrow night. I told him that I can't help it that I'm angry right now and that if he expects me to only be angry when it's convenient for him then too bad.

He went to the guest room and I just started crying and couldn't stop. He did come in and put his arm around me and try to comfort me. He suggested I go to bed and get some rest. I told him I'd take care of getting to bed when I was ready. He went away then.

I'm mad that I brought it up with him. I'm mad that I couldn't just be cold to him and get on with the few short minutes left between when I got home and bed time.

I don't blame you for being angry. No telling what kind of cooties OW has.

Try to stay calm and start taking good care of YOU.