Well, no contact was attempted and it looks like no entry was gained into the house. Here's what I know...

1. It feels good knowing I'm doing the "right thing" and that I'm getting stronger.
2. The kids are backing me up, they get it, as much as 11 & 8 y/o brains/emotions possibly can.
3. Today was a good day, for the most part, but there's likely to be some rough ones ahead.
4. When someone who's been there themselves & sees many others thru this, listen to them - don't "make your own way" or even drift a little bit away from the Plan, because as they warn you, your Plan could get screwed up.

What I don't know...

1. How long do people do this? I mean, what if H continues to drink the way he has for years? He may or may not. Whether WS or drug/alcohol abuse, do people (or does MB generally) have a "breaking point" or "time's up"?
2. If I should be bending to his wanting to change the kid schedule already? I mean, he got the PBL, and not even an hour later I get a text (via our intermediary) saying he wants to switch weekends. Arranging such = him manipulating? Or not budging = me maintaining my boundaries?
3 & 4. I was told, SEVERAL TIMES, to move money/close our account/protect what little I've got. I didn't want to! H put money in the joint acct, so I felt it unnecessary to close it, so he could have a place to dump money. Especially after our phone conversation yesterday, in which he said there's no need for me to get lawyers involved, he'll be giving me money. Yea...so I moved MOST of the money into a personal acct, left some in the joint, check balance today, and what do I see? A $500 check just cleared - DUH, of course, he paid rent out of OUR acct! Stupid me! So that was a bit of a bummer. You told me so. My spirits are still good, it's just money, but at this point I'm disgusted by the fact that I still have HIS last name & I'm overwhelmed with shock that he did that knowing there's 2 mortgages here, a car payment, and umpteen other misc. bills. We're screwed, for the moment, but we'll get thru it. I have to admit I was tempted to call & go OFF but no - I will simply get another job, in the evenings, I could use the socialization. How low of him though. Anyway, I'm feeling D-ready right now but this day is almost over so let's see what tomorrow brings!!

So, he deposited $350...

Wrote a check for $490...

Charged $43 for groceries...

$21 for gas

$37 for gas

Yea, lotta help that is!

Mel, don't tell me to get a lawyer, I CANNOT AFFORD ONE! Just bop me upside the head, you told me so, and YES the money is in an account that ONLY I can access now.

How sweet it would have been if he'd written that check, and then it bounced because I'd closed the account. This has cost me $500 AND a laugh. I can bar-tend. We'll be OK.

Up to 2 years or until you decide it is time to move on. After 2 years reconciliation is unlikely.



Do your level best, until a mutually desirable schedule is attained, to accommodate him unless it harms you or the children. You WANT him to spend as much time as possible with the kids, as long as it does not interfere with their schooling, etc. But DO try to stick to a regimented schedule after you all get in the groove. Repeated changes cause problems.


He will have to continue to pay the bills and will have to get a second job if necessary to pay for his apt. If he falls behind, you will have to get a lawyer. The reason behind the advice to get seperate accounts is so the WS does not plunder your money. In this case, it sounds like he is still making deposits and paying the bills.

Julie, you can't afford to NOT get an attorney.

I knew you'd say that!

First off, thank you for giving me some real, straight answers!! I'm not sure I'd give it 2 years. We shall see!

This makes me think of another question. It is: are there deal-breakers or exceptions or absolute call-it-quits things that would cause it to end before 2 yrs? I suppose that varies & is pretty irrelevant right now anyway.

My money is safe now. I got what I set up for myself. If I'd closed it & it'd bounced, the bank would have moved the money anyway. So actually my best bet would have been to secure the check book, but he was on that long before I got here, so it seems.

Anyhoo, I think my priority is securing another means of funding.

I can bar-tend.

Hey...it might just be me so I am gonna mention something.

Alcohol is RUINING your marriage and your family...and you consider it an option to seek a job dishing it out to others who could be in that very same place.

I don't want to demonize the beverage, I enjoy a drink now and then, but this comment has me bumfuzzled.

It seems to me that you would remove yourself from ALL of it if you really want to save your marriage.

Anyone else see what I am saying?

Maybe it's just me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

committed

She doesn't need to be working nights, period! She needs to be with her kids and her H needs to support his family! Julie, don't help him run from his responsibilities. if anyone gets a night job, it should be HIM. You and your children should not have to suffer because of his shenanigans.

Committed, that's an interesting take. WHY in the heck would I run from alcohol? I'll whole-heartedly agree with you that alcohol has been THE root of MUCH strife in my life, as a child and now, but I was thinking of a way to make some money. Working at Kohl's will pay my bills at the end of a 5-day work-week...bartending will pay my bills at the end of a shift! I suppose there's always exotic dancing. (I'm so funny) Anyway, MY relationship with alcohol is OK. If H ever decides to give sober life a go, yes of course I will ditch alcohol too as I'd imagine that's what you do to be supportive. But for now, I'm thinking of me & my kids.

Mel I actually returned here to post & ask you about that. Why do you say I shouldn't have to get a 2nd job? Attornies aside, what's your logic or reasoning behind it? Maybe we both need 2nd jobs? Seriously...I knew that he might leave so I guess I almost set myself up for that. Plus, if we do end up D, I'll have to get a 2nd job or move or something...

What is your logic and reasoning behind getting a 2nd job when you have a full time job and children to raise and a home to run?

Independence?

DD brought home a permission slip tonight for a $32 downhill skiing field trip. I told her, "I don't know what to tell you" Somebody's got to do it, so I figured it'd be me!

huh? I am not following you. You do understand that the FATHER has an obligation to pay the bills and help support the kids, right? And that your kids DO NEED YOU at home?

I am sooooo confused. Why do you not know what to tell her?

Yes. I fix things, remember? So...I see the bills, I know there's now not enough income, and...I look for a second job.

I feel like I would take a certain pride in knowing I'm floating this boat though, all by myself. I guess that's typical co-dependent? I don't know.

I see you are getting frustrated with me. Shall I tell you every detail of my life? That we are living beyond our means? Because what will that get me?

I'm trying SO HARD...

very co-dependent. They have TWO parents and both parents have to support the household. He has to continue paying the bills as before.

So about that attorney...

IF I were to contact one, what am I looking for?

A divorce attorney? Civil matters? Family law?

(Clueless, I am)

Does enforcing financial support, WHEN I'm ready/able, constitute a legal separation?

Yes, you may have to get a LSA. Ask around at work for a good family lawyer and then check prices.

Fixing things, taking up HIS repsonsiblities....VERY co dependent behavior Julie. Being raised in an alcoholic home and being married to an A as well, it is probably a way of life for you, and it's VERY common. However, it is a big part of the work you must do in alanon. It is enabling behavior that is damaging to you and the A. No matter how hard you try you will not be able to FIX your A. That is his work, if he choses to do it. You need to do the work in alanon to stop your part in this scenario. Don't brush this off, this type of behavior is what keeps the cycle going. It is also one of the reasons why I was mentioning previously that I was concerned about using your mom as the intermediary.

You completely brushed over that when Mel mentioned it. Not a 2x4, but you skipped right past that very important piece of information that she gave you. I didn't see my role until it was pointed out to me. Not fixing things was very hard for me to give up! It was my role at that time in my life.

He was given a choice to stay at home and not drink, or get out. He chose to leave so he could drink. HE will have to pay for it. Not you! The kids need as much stability as possible and you cannot have 2 jobs and be the primary caregiver without something suffering.

I am not one bit surprised that he did what he did at the bank. I rather expected it. I am glad you have your own account now. And thre is nothing else that has your name on it that he can do damage to you with, right? It sounds like his accounts and yours are all still at the same bank. If so, check with them to be sure that any activity he does cannot fall back on you.

And yes, you MUST talk to an attorney. No question. Some may give you an initial consultation without a charge...check around. Maybe you could qualify for legal aid? I don't know, but you need to get solid legal advise about your situation from a qualified family law attorney.

It may feel overwhelming, but these only some basic things that you have to take care of..for you and your children.

There's much work to do and keep all the "fixing" focused on fixing you.

Yes, it IS overwhelming.

Yes, we have our accounts at the same bank but NO - I've been assured he can't tap into mine. Passwords are changed, money is transfered & he can't transfer it back.

Yes, fixing things is what I do. And for a long while I enjoyed that, took pride in it, it worked.

No, I didn't brush off the concern about my mom being intermediary, I didn't skip over it either. And she isn't our intermediary!

I don't know what an attorney will say when they look at our obligations. They may cringe. And OK, I can see I'll most likely need one, but whether I've got one job or 4, right now I have to be FOCUSED while I'm at work. I cannot be calling attornies or checking balances or bringing this to work with me! Recently my pay structure has changed drastically. H & I knew this, we were "prepared" for it, then I gave him the ultimatum & he bailed so it's a little scary. I'll get thru it, but it's not going to be easy.