I know it's overwhelming...take it as it comes and try not to to project too far into the future. You know the phrase...one step at a time.

I am glad you chose a different intermediary. I wasn't referring to skipping over that. I was referring to skipping over Mel's statement about your co-dependent behavior. . It's not to be critical, just what we, on the outside, see. No matter, really, I just wanted you to be sure to see that, that's all.

Don't worry if someone might cringe over your money situation. It is what it is. They probably have seen it all anyway. Your JOB right now is to take care of you and the kids the best possible way. Please call around. You protect your kids from lots of things, this is just one more.

On the bank side, I was more worried that you could be liable for any problems that he would create in his account, not that he could have access. Just a thought, I really don't know.

You're right, it won't be easy, but keep doing "the next right thing" (another alaonon phrase).

hang in there kiddo!

Committed, that's an interesting take. WHY in the heck would I run from alcohol?

I am not saying to run FROM alcohol.

I thought you wanted it REMOVED from your life.

Isn't that the condition your H has to meet?

Anyway, MY relationship with alcohol is OK.

No, IMHO, it isn't ok. Your H has a drinking problem...a HUGE drinking problem. He is an alcoholic, so alcohol IS problematic for you. You want him to stop ...you cannot surround yourself with it...you have to set the bar right now while in Plan B.

If you want your H to return home clean and sober, ditch alcohol NOW. It would go a long way in showing him that YOU are serious.

JMHO
committed

Hmmmm, I'm nt sure I agree.

Others, thoughts?

If, while he is gone, I am invited out for drinks w/friends, knowing that I have CONTROL and am RESPONSIBLE when I choose to drink, I don't know that I'd decline.

And I'm still on the fence about bartending/bringing in extra money - so far I've got nothing lined up - one day at a time.

So...Mel, SickOfThis, what do you think?

I would have nothing to do with working in bars. They are nothing but trouble. Haven't you had enough of drunks? The thing that bothers me about it is you are already working full time and have 2 kids who need you. That is TWO full time jobs. Using your free time to work in a stinky bar is not going to give you any time to rest up.

Julie, your H needs to step up to the plate here, even if it means getting a LSA. He has to support his family.

I would agree with every word that Mel and committed said about the bar thing.

As for finding the second job I don't know what else to say...he made his choice, he needs to pay for that. It's time for him to be responsible for his choices. You are basically preventing him from that.

You already said that you don't even have the time to call around to talk to a lawyer. How are you going to have the time to work a second job?

Time for healthy choices now.

I get that you have financial problems. I know how hard that is. But you have to stop the enabling behaviors.

Another way to put it...would you get a second (third) job to financially support an affair with an OW?

Julie, I am with you in your thinking.

Bartending is just a job. And it pays very well. You have the right not to live with an alcoholic, but you are not the world's moral police.

As for not taking the second job and letting your H pay the bills????? Sure, if you don't care if your kids eat. I was awarded child support, too, and 10K in arrears sure doesn't pay the rent. Look at how he 'gave' you money this past week. What makes anyone think that's going to change?

We do what we have to do to take care of our children. Not what is 'right'.

Julie
Thoughtful Request:

Could you please stay on one thread so we can stay with you?

Enablers/Fixerss whatever you want to call it have to make everthing alright for everyone.

WE (my family) would still be in the same situation if I hadn't got the he## out of Gods way and let Him do His work.

Co-dependants get in the way of natural consequences. We feel so good for "fixing or keeping things together". We have to "hold it all together". "Make it all work no matter what.

In one of my many situations:

I got a call from a neighbor that my W was passed out, sitting behind the wheel of our vehicle, foot on the brake, and the vehicle in drive, pointed at the road from a business parking lot.
He asked me what I wanted to do. This happened many times but not with the vehicle in gear and running.

OLD ME
I would go pick W up-Yell and scream for days bring it up over and over-remind her how I saved her. This was done many times over different situations in the past.

AFTER A year and a half of Al-Anon

I asked the neighbor why he was calling me? Do WHAT you think is right. This was a dangerous situation. Not only to herself but the public. He called the police.
She did get a DWI .197 Three one thousnadths from a felony.
She had to face the music for her actions.
I could have easily (as I did in the past) saved her from that situastion but what would the life lesson have been. I can do whatever I want and Chris will save me.

THIS IS BIG
I TAUGHT HER THAT WITH """"MY PAST BEHAVIOR"""......
I TAUGHT HER THAT WITH """"MY PAST BEHAVIOR"""......
I TAUGHT HER THAT WITH """"MY PAST BEHAVIOR"""......

There were tons of situations where I saved W from her responsibility. What did I teach Her? NO MATTER WHAT W DOES I WILL SAVE YOU>>>>???.....IT IS an extremely sick way to live. It keeps bad behavior from being addressed in healthy ways.

It sounds like this is your situation may be similar.

SLOW down-Keep going to Al-Anon meetings-

ML and SOT1961 are really trying to help. Slow down and really digest what they are saying. Both of them are way healthier than I and more experienced with the MB principles and how to execute them.

This is not a week long adventure and then everything is OK.
My wife just has a year of sobriety. Thats a good thing. Is my life with her happier? Somewhat. Do I want it to be better? YES. Is it where I want it to be? NO A LONG ways from it. All of this takes time--and lots of it.
ALL of this is a process that takes lots of time.

I wish you all the best. My prayers are with You all.
Take it easy and be good to yourself and children. Do something nice for yourself. Believe this will all work out for the best-As long as JULIE does her part-NOT ALL OF IT.

Chris

Julie,

Do NOT get a second job. You work full-dime during the day. You need to be home with the kids in the evening. Even if you can get evening child care free (family member, fiend) your kids will need you there not someone else.

It is hard for me to fathom that you would even consider working in a bar. How many more drunks do you want to deal with? I know that the money might look nice, but really, you are trading helping your kids deal with there changing life for some cash. I don't think it is a fair trade.

You need to see a lawyer. You need to get a LSA established.

Julie,

NESR hit it right on the head. Very well said and you should read that a few times.

Next get legal help immediately find a good attorney that has free first consultations. You will do your self good to document everything you can that will be pertinent to a divorce and child custody hearing.

For custody it is your part and your husbands part in child rearing. In my state one of the other determining factors is addiction so you will need to tell them that.

Next realize that again in my state support is nothing more then a result spit out of a computer.

They factor in
Your income
His income
The amount of physical custody
The number of children.

So in my free consultation I would ask if taking another job now would decrease the amount of support I get in the long run.

I would also consider what my husband lawyer would say about the type of job I have, bartending, and could you really take care of the kids. So just think before hand.

If it won't effect your custody I would tend bar too. It is good money, just try to remember not to bring your work home with you.

This all needs to be considered before you make any other decesions.

Thanks, you're right. Yes, I'll stick w/this thread. Thank you all for keeping up.

Changing gears...DS/8's principal just called, DS/8 was found with a "weapon" & she said it's worthy of calling the police. (She's not going to, but it IS something she could/would) She said H or I need to come pick it up...I cannot leave here, and I am also not the out of control influence in my son's life right now, so I told her to have H come in for it.

Wouldn't you all agree? Because leaving anyway to handle myself would be "protecting" H from the REALITY of how his actions are affecting our children - no?

Changing gears...DS/8's principal just called, DS/8 was found with a "weapon" & she said it's worthy of calling the police. (She's not going to, but it IS something she could/would) She said H or I need to come pick it up...I cannot leave here, and I am also not the out of control influence in my son's life right now, so I told her to have H come in for it.

Wouldn't you all agree? Because leaving anyway to handle myself would be "protecting" H from the REALITY of how his actions are affecting our children - no

No, I do not agree.

Do NOT...I repeat do NOT use the children as a means to get your H to do what is right. He is not capable of that right now. He cannot parent while he is nursing a bottle of booze.

This is serious stuff Julie. Why aren't you at that school right now? It is a weapon for goodness sake...one that could have landed him in juvie...and OUT of your home. I work in a school right now...it would have meant IMMEDIATE police notification, handcuffs, a visit to the judge AND group home for 10 days.

YOU need to take care of this. You cannot stop being a parent (e.g. night job and not going to his school) simply because your marriage is teetering. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

committed

Thanks. I'm leaving now...

I agree, go get the boy. Did she say what the "weapon" was? I got a similar call about my boy in the 6th grade along with grave threats of being "expelled from school FOR LIFE!" What was the dangerous "weapon?" A FREAKING cigarette lighter! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Hoping it is something that innocuous.

Also -
If you had told your H to go to the school and deal with this - H would have come back at you with "See! You can't handle the boy. he needs to spend more time with me. I want full custody"

You and I know that your son is acting out against his dads bad decisions.
But in your H's mind, he hasn't made bad choices, he just needs to be free to live his life, and when you finally start supporting him better, the kids will be fine.

Let you H suffer from his bad choices as they affect him personally. But not as they affect the kids. for the kids sake, you need to be the hero.

Well thanks for the smack, it came just in time. The principal did call H, left a message, and when he called back she told him what'd happened & said Julie is on her way in.

It was a crochet-hook-looking-thing. It also looks very similar to the hooks the dentist uses, but it's got a rubber grip on it. DS says it's a staple remover. No, I don't think he intended it as a weapon as he walked up to his teacher & said, "have you ever seen one of these (staple removers)?" Teacher said no, and I'd better check w/principal to make sure this is OK...you know the rest. Principal & teachers all agreed this is grounds for a trip downtown. In fact they told DS, in my presence, if your mom wasn't as supportive as she is (we've had a great relationship w/the school staff for more than 7 yrs now) that she would have called the police - not me.

Thanks again. Gosh I'm messing up! But thank you for sticking with me. DS has a sleepover tonight & I'm not going to CXL it/punish him. I do think it was an honest, stupid mistake. I really try to keep school & home punishments separate if I can.

And committed, a note from me to you:


That was harsh and uncalled for. Maybe this struck a nerve w/you based on where you work but there's no need to be insulting. You know, I don't have it all right, but I'm attending Al-Anon meetings & coming here & trying to get advice/support so that I can make the best decisions. After all, even though I made that (wrong) decision I came here & checked against you guys, and then quickly fixed it. So I wish you would have been more considerate of my feelings.

Well, I am not sure how you see it as insulting.

It was unvarnished truth.

The truth often sometimes DOES hurt.

It got you going...that's all that matters to me.

committed

Ah, no, saying I stopped being a parent is NOT the truth.

Even if I'd gotten a 2nd job because when I thought of that I thought it'd be good parenting to make sure we have enough money...even if I would have had H handle the school matter because my thinking on the subject wasn't clear...it wouldn't mean I'd stopped being a parent. So if you're arrogant enough to admit no wrong in your wording, that's on you.

A LOT of what was said on here, to me and to others in separate threads, by a LOT of the members here, has "got me going". So...

Julie,

Look at the wording a bit closer.

I did not say that you had stopped being a parent.

I said that you CANNOT stop being a parent etc.

It's kind of like when someone says "you cannot run a red light". It doesn't mean that you have. It simply means that you cannot.

The bottom line is that you cannot MAKE him do anything.

You cannot make him stop drinking.
You cannot make him be a good parent.


If you want a marriage with this man you are going to have to abandon alcohol for YOURSELF also. You might not have a problem with it, but it is a HUGE problem for your marriage. If he has a problem, then it is YOUR problem too, that is if you want to be married to him.

When you try to force things you are going to be met with a stone wall.

Again...it is all in the way you read it.

committed