Julie, committedandlovingit is on your side; put down the UZI! She can be a great help to you, so please don't take her the wrong way just because she doesn't mince words. If I believed for a minute she had any malice towards you, I would open up a can of Texas whoop [censored] on her! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> But, she is in your corner, be assured of that. She won't beat around the bush with you and that is exactly what you need.

If I believed for a minute she had any malice towards you, I would open up a can of Texas whoop [censored] on her!

Pack your lunch Mel...coz it's gonna take ya all day if that happens....oh, and bring your biggest and your baddest too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

But, she is in your corner, be assured of that. She won't beat around the bush with you and that is exactly what you need.

Thanks Mel...coming from a nonbush beater like yourself, I take that as a compliment! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

committed

Julie
I think all commited was trying to do was light a fire somewhere!!!

Kids are important and I'm glad this w/your son turned out the way it did.

Whether you like it or not you need to be there as much as possible for them at this time. I'm sure they are also confused and sad and scared about all of this. The whole family is deeply affected.

You being gone from home may be just as hard on the kids as H being gone. They need a rock solid person to depend on.
EVEN IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE YOUR THAT PERSON-FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT...


Question:
Have you really done a money inventory? PUT it down in black and white? Sometimes I've freaked out over a financial problem and found out it was not as bad as it looked when I put it down on paper.
Ideas may present themselves that you can physically see in black and white. You may see where you could cut some corners without big sacrifices.
You may also find bills that are not yours to pay?

Might be worth trying.

GOOD LUCK

Chris

I don't doubt that for a silly NEW YAWK second! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> But..........you is yankee at the end of the day! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I don't doubt that for a silly NEW YAWK second! But..........you is yankee at the end of the day!

YANKEE! Who is you calling a YANKEE?

Thems fightin' words.

I'm a REBEL...all the way!

Born and bred south of the Mason-Dixon.

committed

Pack your lunch Mel...coz it's gonna take ya all day if that happens....oh, and bring your biggest and your baddest too.



CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG......

BY THE WAY IF YOU PUT IT ON PPV I'D PEEL OFF A 20 TO SEE IT!!!

CHRIS

OMG, I just called a southerner a YANKEE! **thud** MEA SO DAMN CULPA! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

YOU PIMP!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sumbody get out the salts...

Mel done got the vapors! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

<<<fan>>>> <<<<fan>>> <<<fan>>>>

committed

Hi Julie,

I hope your night is going OK. I remember when my I received a similar call on my oldest son...it was right after Columbine. The teacher called but told me that she was not going to tell anyone unless another child brought it up at home and it became an issue. I was very involved in the PTA and a cub scout leader so that might have helped. In any event, something dropped out of his back pack and slid across the floor and a girl screamed DS1 has a knife!! He was very into art at the time and it was one of the retractable knives used to cut matts in art class. The blade was about a half an inch long fully extracted. Anyway, nothing came of it but it was still unsettling to get a call like that from work.

Had I been on line today I would have told you the same as the others...get to your son! Your H choice to leave the home so that he is free to drink has consequences for him. You taking legal steps to protect yourself and the kids (find the time to call someone! This must get done!), him having no money, him missing his kids, no contact with his wife, etc. Not getting to the school to support your son would not fall in that category. I am certain you see the difference. Just like you did, your kids are living under the influence of an alcoholic household...they really NEED a rock solid mom that they know is solidly there for them. That is why you are getting strong repsonses about another job, etc.

I didn't hear anything harsh in committed's responses. Your defenses are high right now and that is very normal. You're running on a lot of emotion right now. Committed gave perfectly sound advise and it got you moving in the right direction...to your son.

Please remember to take this slow. It took a lot of time to get to this point and it won't be solved overnight. I know you are fighting the urge to get this all fixed, right now. Reality is, you can't fix him, just you.

There was a prior comment about having to take the bar job so the kids could eat, etc. Poster does hae a point and I have been there, wore the T-shirt. However, if you would get to a lawyer I think you will be advised to not get that second job from there as well. Aside from the time that kids won't have you around to support them, you could be jepordizing child support figures and even possibly custody issues if your H decides to play rough with you legally down the road. GET TO A LAWYER, get informed about your rights and then you will some facts to make a plan.

At the point you are in this, some things may sound like attacks, but honestly, they are not. Everyone wants to help and support you. You're doing fine.

Some states take the custodial parents' income into play when determining child support, some don't. I live in Illinois, and the courts never asked how much I made.

I agree with getting to a lawyer. You can't afford NOT to have a child support order entered.

I'm glad everything turned out all right with the school.

Thanks everybody. H did call last night, talked to DD/11 but didn't get a chance to talk to DS/8 cuz I had to use the phone. I'm reading, just haven't had much to add...till now.

This was H's weekend w/the kids, but he doesn't have them. Today is a Packer game (we're in WI) & I don't know...is it the play-offs now? Anyhoo, H & DS are BOTH big-time Packer fans so they BOTH won't be missing this game. It only just occurred to me the reason H doesn't have the kids may very well be so that he doesn't have any interruptions - watching game or drinking thru its entirety. On one hand I'm glad he made the right choice per my PBL & kids best interest but on the other hand I'm sad that beer wins AGAIN - DS would LOVE to watch the game w/his dad. I've got lots of running around to do today plus I'm not football fan so DS is going to watch it w/his aunt who's very into it.

Anyway don't scold me, I'm not trying to control H's actions & I'm also not spending a lot of time thinking about it. It crossed my mind & so I posted here - often times I "journal" - either on paper or computer as I think of things.

Julie

Just wanted to say Hey!!

Sounds like a good thing with keeping a paper journal. The same as WSs try to change history so do A's. It may not seem important now but 6 mo or a year down the road it may be very important.

With my experience with the A W I felt extremely crazy myself at times. At several points, when things got extremely crazy to me, I would take a few minutes and visualize a stop sign in my mind. I know it sounds crazy but just taking that few minutes and shutting my mind off gave me the opportunity to see what was the most important task at the moment. I could then continue on in the day instead of my mind running wildly.

Might be worth a try. Journaling also helps to sort things out.

Jusy wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and your family.

Chris

Hey everybody. We had a fun/busy morning! The kids are out of the house now, having fun with family & friends, so I'm reading up on some Plan B threads while my chili slow-cooks. Couple questions:

1. Should I have Plan A'd? It doesn't really seem like it because that could translate to more enabling...but I was just reading that the best Plan Bs are those that follow phenomenal Plan As. I didn't have a Plan A. Did we skip that part because we are dealing with alcohol/drug addiction? Just want to make sure I didn't sell myself short (well that doesn't seem likely) or skip a vital part of possible recovery.
2. Regarding the LSA, will NC between H & I have to be broken? Right, I haven't contacted an attorney yet. I figure that'll need to be done during the week & I want to go into it w/as much knowledge as possible. If anything's going to be documented by someone legally, I need to know what I'm doing. Will this mess w/my Plan B?

Julie, Plan A is not to be used with alcoholics/addicts, because it is impossible to meet their needs. It is a disaster, because it is nothing more than enabling. They use it as an opportunity to exploit the BS. That is why we skipped that part.

And no, your NC won't have to be broken during a LSA. It won't effect your Plan B. If your attorney objects to your silence in Plan B, tell him that is how it will be and he needs to support you in that. Attorneys don't know how to save marriages, and often their goal is to facilitate an amicable DIVORCE. You don't want a divorce, you just want to be legally protected while you drag this out. You want him to DRAG HIS FEET.

And you may live in a state that does not have LSA, but only divorce. That is ok, you go ahead and file, get the terms in place and have your atty DRAG HIS FEET. It is all the same, and you can still stop the action when/if you choose.

That is an excellent idea! These journals can be used in court if you ever get to that point. Be sure and write down EVERYTHING you do for the kids, dr's appts, etc.

I want the attorney to drag his feet? Uy, the idea of filing for D really scares me. I know it's not carved in stone but MAN just the impact...

Actually, a few years back we were to D while separated & I picked up the papers. We were going to try and do it on our own, as we were agreeing on most things & it's cheaper.

Is this an option? Pick up/file papers myself, that is?

nooooooo, because the point is NOT to get a divorce at all, but to make sure he pays child support and continues to support the household. Don't let the D word scare you, Julie. This is just a FORMALITY to ensure he supports his family. It can be dropped at any time. The word that should scare you is: DESTITUTION. That is your greatest threat.

Julie, how have you acted in the past when he left? You said this has happened many times before so there must be an established pattern here. Can you desribe the typical breakup? How did you usually act and who usually facilitated the reconcilation?

I changed my UserName. It's time. The W is creeping me out.

OK, just wanted to understand.

I can't wait to hear your analysis of this! (I'm not joking) In the past when he'd leave, I'd beg & plead for him to come home. Well, there was a time before we were married - we were living together & getting along fine mostly, this was when I was partying almost as much as him - still not uncontrollably, always cautiously actually, but often with him. Anyway he said he wanted to move out. That he'd never lived on his own & he wanted space & to see what it was like. I don't remember any blow-up, we were still pretty much BF/GF, and for that few months he partied ALOT. I began looking for a house & when I finally closed on one (this one) I offered for him to move w/me, and he did. There were a couple(?) times early in our marriage when we (mostly mutually) agreed we needed space/time apart, and he'd stay w/friends for a week...then come home. One time we were apart OH, about a month, probably as the result of a fight & most likely I cried, begged, threw myself in front of the door...once he came home on New Year's Day @7:30am from the New Year's Eve festivities. I don't know why I didn't go with him. Anyway he got home & I was beyond LIVID, he was still drunk (and I know now you don't argue w/an active drunk, especially WHEN they're drunk!) and I started in on how UNacceptable it was for him to be out that late/driving drunk...he decided to leave, I begged him not to, he began packing things, I cried and carried on & begged, he was determined to leave, threw myself in front of the door, he moved me & left, and I recall very clearly me saying, sobbing, "Will you give me a HUUUGG?!" and he said, "NO!" as he made his way to his car. Last year, as you know, he was out for about a week because of the 30th birthday party when I had his friends come over & remove him, then wouldn't let him return till he agreed to no more alcohol (do you remember that?). This time he came to me after us not speaking for a week after a drunken blow-up and said he doesn't think this will work, we're not compatible, he's changed so much over the years but I continue to not rub his back or clean the house or take care of him & he still doesn't like the dogs & I'm just never going to change...so he thinks it best he move out, but didn't have money/anywhere to go...then 2 days later I gave him the choice of clean/sober family or go now. He found money AND a place to go! Heh

There IS one "pattern" I just realized recently: he always does this around this time of year. Recently anyway. It's weird. In the summertime if we have a fight leaving never comes up. In the winter, he leaves!

What makes you ask this?