OH, the cell phone, I was going to bring up the cell phone. We have a family plan - 1 for me, 1 for H, 1 for the kids. I paid that bill last week & I can't really cut H's line but I do believe I can suspend it. On one hand, I don't want to because it's how he keeps in touch w/the kids but on the other hand, he put in $350 & spent over $600, so he hasn't contributed at all, plus if that's his only phone he's likely going to land me in the red on our calling plan!

I should suspend his line, huh?

The answer is obvious. I can do it today. He'll obviously grow very hateful though. Tell me something about that, please.

When does he get paid? Has he paid any of your bills? Contributed any money at all?

By my calculations he should be getting paid today. The only money he "contributed" was 2 wks ago when he put in $350, but days later what he'd taken out (including check to cover rent) was over $600.

So, would he normally deposit his pay into your account so you can pay bills, etc?

?? We're not normally separated?

When all is "normal", yes, he normally deposits his check. He can't do that now anyway, since that (joint) acct is closed.

How will he get you the money for the bills? Do you have a plan for this?

NO! That's why I came here saying I'm going to tell intermediary I need money...

Remember, in our last conversation 1/9, H said to me, "I'm going to keep giving you money, no need to get attorneys involved, I'm not sure what my next check will look like so I can't say a set amount, but I'm going to be helping..."

See, he's self employed. Contracts most of his work thru the same guy, his "boss", but he's not on payroll, he's an independent contractor. I fear this can really hurt me in setting up an arrangement, especially if it goes by income. Anyway, I need money. That's for sure.

Try fitting in a couple of calls to some family law attorneys today to find out if they can work with your schedule, have free inital consultations.

And no I would not tell H or IM about it.

Mel-- If you're hanging around here, I would appreciate some comments on my thread... if you've got experience in this alcoholism/A mess I've got going here.

Long story short... H has had a problem with alcohol for awhile. He was out of town a lot in the beginning of our marriage. Had 2 EAs while out of town (he lies a lot to cover his own [censored], so these may have been also PAs but I have no way to confirm that at this point). I did not know of these EAs. I had a PA myself (the P part was only once, and I did not sleep with OM-- not that that makes it better, but just to put in context). The EA part of my A lasted almost a year tho. I told H about my A after the PA part happened, all on my own (he didn't even suspect at that point, guilt killed me). After I told him tho, it was hard for me to break away from the EA part. I eventually did that this past summer. I did move out of the house for about 8 months, but frequently spent nights at home with H. He also had a "revenge" A while I was moved out-- it was only an EA, but I think that was more because of OW than it was because of HIS morals... he was essentially dating her.

OK-- so mixed in ALL of this is his alcoholism. Which was there BEFORE my A, but has gotten worse since. At this point in time, I am home, he has essentially all but given up on the marriage and "doesn't know what he wants" and "doesn't know if he feels the same way about me" and pretty much blames all of our problems on me. I am doing a Plan A right now. I'm learning about boundaries and what I should do with this mess. I'm really at a loss as to what I should be doing to try to fight for this and give it a chance.

I feel like one or the other is hard enough to deal with, let alone As and alcoholism at the same time...

Mel-- if you're floating around I'd appreciate some comments on my thread. Really the last 2 or 3 pages from the past few days are the most relevant, but my first post has the entire "story".

And Julie-- sorry I sort of hijacked your thread there for a bit. Hope you are doing well.

RIM

Hey SOT, I'm going to make those calls. Today.

If you have a chance, let me know what you think: do you think I should have IM tell H I need money? Still giving him the chance to "do the right thing"? He will be picking up DS today so the opportunity to make the exchange exists.

RIM, back to your corner! Er, I mean thread! My H isn't an alcoholic either...he earns his right to drink, he deserves to blow off steam, he doesn't want to be couped up in this house all the time/wants to "go have a few beers" w/his "friends"...and he DOES have control - he wasn't blacked out on the drive home, he only kicked the mailbox cuz he was mad/not drunk, he's just a "binge drinker". Though he's NEVER tried to come up w/a good excuse for mistaking certain parts of the house for the bathroom. I can't believe I typed that. This (was) my life.

BLAH BLAH BLAH...if it's not a problem then it wouldn't be a problem. But it's a problem.

ok, gotcha, my memory is slipping. I would not allow him to make your support contingent upon sporadic income. [your need for income is not "sporadic" but static and no court in the land is going to put up with that] I would have the intermediary tell him something like this:

Dear Joe, Julie has asked me to tell you that she will need $300 per week in order to maintain the bills and support the kids. You had indicated in your previous email that you are willing to continue to give her financial support for the household and the kids and she appreciates that. She is grateful that you are volunteering so she does not have to go through the courts.

Could you please make arrangements to leave her a check every Friday in the amount of $300?

Appreciate it, Joe.

Sally Intermediary

You do good work, Mel! Thanks for that.

Again, this will make him more hateful towards me. But the "hidden threat" in there is good. IM is his sister & this will make her itch too, I'm sure, but I've got a back-up so if she quits or I need to "let her go" I won't be left out in the cold.

Julie

Your only asking H to be responsible like he said he would.

Moving out was H choice.

That does not relieve him of responsibility.

He Could have made a different choice.

Chris

But you won't know because you are in Plan B! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Is his sister able to be entirely neutral about this situation? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

That's a good question. She's sworn since the onset of this (before H left or I gave him the letter) that she can be, but I don't always trust that considering she is, after all, his sister. She is VERY attached to him but has so far been very supportive of me/my kids. H's mother is NOT at all capable. I do have a back-up IM but H doesn't know that/I didn't put it in my PBL...

His sister wouldn't be my first choice but we all know my mom was the WORST choice. That's just the problem Mel, EVERYONE in H's life right now (except me) is his enabler! I do believe if I asked her to relay exactly what you wrote she'll do it. But he will most likely complain and/or...I don't know, but she's his sister.

Here's her (H's sister/our IM) response to my last email in which I told her H lied to DD & I may call on her later to help with money matters:

"I hear ya on the financial strain. Not easy handling stuff all alone. I hope he sticks with helping you. Ahh, the joys of single parenting! I'm sure it'll be a long time until I can rely on (her Babydaddy) for anything. Yes, that sucks that (H's) relationship with (DD) is going to suffer because of this. I hope that doesn't last. She needs him."

My response was: "I'm not a single parent, (IM)"

Her latest response:

"My personal feelings/thoughts/opinions having nothing to do with being the "middle man". I told both of you, I will not include any sideline commentaries when it comes to that. I have listened to you, I have listened to him. I've gotten "both sides". I'm in no position to judge either of your choices because I haven't walked in either of your shoes. I am perfectly capable of putting my personal feelings aside (all of which I would like to keep to myself) to assist you guys through this. I am concerned about how both of you are doing, because I love you both, and I'm concerned about how all of this will affect/has affected the kids. So I will inquire. What I won't do is give advice, or jump on either's bandwagon, because I've agreed to be neutral...and that's what I'm doing."

I want to ask her if she believes/accepts that H has a problem, an addiction, but I pretty much think that doesn't matter. When I talk to her as his sister, I want her to know he is SICK. When I talk to her as intermediary, I realize that doesn't matter. So I need to make sure I continue to make the separation too. I think we're OK.

<Tap, tap>

Is this thing on?

Julie

Hope you have a good weekend and feel better.
Its the week end-Not supposed to be sick-
Hopefully you and the kids can Have some fun!

Prayers for your family

Chris

What about the cell phone?

Mel: in WI, LSA & divorce are esentially the same thing. The only difference being that, in the end of an LSA, you aren't divorced. Weird. For $2K down & $265/hr, I can get this started right away! Sure, but my mortgage is 18 days late! So anyway, that's that. I think my best bet is to file on my own. Though my first next move needs to be getting money out of H...NOW!